Fangirl

Everything feels wrong. It's been a week and I've been sleeping in my own bed, and hugging people that aren't Luke, and not talking to Luke, and I hate it. He's just so emotionally numb lately, and I don't know what to do.

"Breakfast?" Michael asks us all. We're back on the bus, going to do a few more shows in North America, and then it's done. The tour will be over, and I'll never see Luke again. I'll go back to sitting in front of my computer and knocking on the wall to tell my brother to turn the music down. I keep forgetting about Jason. I wonder how he's doing. I already know how mom's doing, she emails me a lot, but nothing on Jason. I'll go back to writing and obsessing and tearing up over pictures of the band. Maybe this time when Luke posts a selfie I won't tear up and squeal, but I'll actually cry. I'll actually cry over what I could've had, and I didn't listen to Liz when she told me to go after what I want.

Ashton, Calum, Max, and Michael leave, but when Luke is asked he just sits on the couch and mumbles no. I feel so bad. This isn't Luke. He's so empty, and he's usually so happy and cuddly and dorky.

"Luke I'm sorry." I say to him, looking over. He doesn't even move, he just blinks. "Lu-"

"It's not your fault." He whispers.

"I didn't-"

"Excuse me." He murmurs, and then lies down on his bed, shutting the curtain. I sigh, and take out my computer.

R.S: Hia.

I just stare the page, constantly reloading, until I get a reply.

Mukeisreal96: hey :)
R.S: How are you? We haven't really talked to each other in a while.
Mukeisreal96: could be better, wbu?
R.S: Could be better.
Mukeisreal96: I'm sorry
R.S: For what?
Mukeisreal96: Just that you could be better
R.S: Oh. Well then I'm sorry too cx
Mukeisreal96: Could I do anything to cheer you up?
R.S: Nope. This is something I have to fix and I dunno how
Mukeisreal96: What is it?
R.S: I just really like this person and this person probably really likes me too but this person is dating this other person but they aren't actually dating they're fake dating, and I really want to date this person but I've never dated anyone before and I feel like if I do I'll mess everything up for both of us and I keep letting this other guy tell me the person can't handle dating me and idek anymore now that person hates me bc I said I couldn't be with them and haihdsuicbusibc I'm just failing at life rn.
Mukeisreal96: I think that person would understand tho
R.S: I don't think they do, they don't know any of that.
Mukeisreal96: Maybe that person thinks you're saying you need them to choose between you or the other person but they really like both.
R.S: Nah, the person don't like the other person at all
Mukeisreal96: What if the person thinks you want him to choose between you and what the other person represents??

My eyes widen. Oh my god.

R.S: Brb

I walk over to Luke's bunk and knock on the wood next to the curtain. I hear a hum. "I don't want you to choose between me and fame."

He opens the curtain, and on his face is a frown. "But you said you didn't want to date me because I'm famous."

"No no, I just don't want to be famous." I pause, staring at the confused look on his face. "Because whoever you date becomes the new gossip on the internet?"

"Ohh. But Ashton's dated a couple people no one knew about."

"I just feel like if we date something will mess it up. Like your management or me, or Michael-"

"Michael?" He raises his eyebrows. "How would Michael mess it up?"

"I dunno. He just sorta kinda told me I sorta shouldn't date you."

"What?"

"Like because it'd be too hard for you to handle?"

"That's not true at all." He mumbles. "And how would you mess it up? You're perfect." I blush at that.

"I've just kinda never had a boyfriend before and I'm not good at telling other people things about myself and I'm really weird and awkward all the time." I say nervously.

"Yeah but I like weird and awkward." He laughs. I smile. "But I get where you're coming from, so.. Friends?"

"Best friends?"

"Deal." He grins.

Notes