Fangirl

In the morning, everyone went to breakfast early, which just left me alone on the couch, and Luke. Thankfully he's still sleeping. I know for any fan that kind of thing he did would be a dream come true, and it was, it really was, but he's with Amy. I mean, that whole cheating thing says a lot about him, and I don't know.. I guess I just thought he wasn't like that. I guess I haven't ever really seen behind the scenes, huh.

I sit cross legged on the black leather couch, trying to distract myself with my phone. I really, REALLY have to pee right now, but to get to the bathroom I'd have to pass Luke's bunk, and I don't want to risk that weirdness we have going on.

I put three fingers on the spot of my jaw he kissed, but quickly remove them.

"God, Riley, don't think about that." I mumble to myself. "He doesn't like you. You're just a crazed fan, who is gullible enough to think he does." I frown and scroll through Instagram. Out of my frustration, every time I saw a picture of Luke and Amy, and or just Amy, I'd unfollow whoever posted it. Which also means unfollowing Miley. To be honest, she hasn't even crossed my mind since Max got here. Damn, she probably hates me by now, it's been a few months.

I stare in disgust at the stereotypical, pretty, blonde girl smiling on the small screen. What makes her better than me? I know I'm not like her, but what's so great about her that Luke loves so much? I'd be better for him, I know him. I know everything about him, all his pet peeves, all of his little quirks, whether he's a morning person or not. I love everything about him, so why not me?

I grumble a couple curse words, readjusting my position so I don't pee. Fuck, if he could just get up early like every else, I could go to the bathroom, but nooo. I squeeze my eyes shut, and eventually give in. I huff and slam my phone down onto the leather, getting up. I prepare myself incase he wakes up while I walk by, and silently tip toe past his bed. I can hear his little gentle snores. I smile and bite my lip. I go to the bathroom, and wash my face.

"Okay Riley, you got this. I mean- you've never been in this situation, and you're probably in a worse situation than a boy going to prison for you, but you got this. Well. I mean you're probably going to say something stupid and fuck everything up, which'll end up in you leaving the tour early or you'll kiss another band member and go home early. But you know. You got this." I laugh at my dorkiness, and walk out of the bathroom. I stop, because in front of me is Luke, half dressed, still attempting at figuring out if his black shirt is inside out or not.

"Is it.. Is it like that?" He flips the shirt inside out, and I can't help but smile at this. "No wait. It has the little ruffly thingies now." He mumbles. "But wait. Wait- what?" He frowns. I do my best to not laugh, and walk over to him, taking the shirt out of his hands. He just stares at me.

"It's like that." I say, handing him back his shirt.

"Oh um, thank you." He says awkwardly.

"Yeah." I smile, and find my way back to the couch. Okay, not terrible. I pick up my phone, trying to ignore Luke dressing himself in the small hallway to my left. If I just looked over a little bit. Sigh.

MILEY: YOU'RE ON TOUR WITH 5SOS AND YOU DIDN'T TELL ME

Oh, wow. The day I actually think about her.

ME: Sorry :/
MILEY: BITCH WTF WHAT HAPPENED HAS LUKE OR MICHAEL FALLEN IN LOVE WITH YOU YET
ME: None of them have fallen in love with me?? xD

MILEY: Does that mean Ashton is still free?
ME: I thought you were a Malum girl
MILEY: I switched.
ME: How do you switch from not being able to pick from Michael or Calum, to Ashton??
MILEY: ANYWAY, have any of them kissed you yet at least?

I bite my lip.

ME: No cx Why would they
MILEY: So are Luke and Amy a PR stunt??
ME: Nope.
MILEY: WHAT
ME: I know. I almost broke down and cried right infront of them lmfao
MILEY: WAIT YOU MET HER
ME: I wouldn't say met. She ran past me and made out with Luke. Not a single word was exchanged between the two of us tho
MILEY: That's so awkward though. I would have bitch slapped her.

No she wouldn't have.

ME: Lmao same.

No I wouldn't have.

MILEY: So whose dating who then
ME: Luke&Amy, Ashton is single, as far as I know of Michael is still status Pringle, and Calum is with like, a LOOOOT of girls.
MILEY: Seriously? He seems to like, committed or some shit.
ME: Ikr I nearly died xD
MILEY: Ok well I have that whole school thang, so talk to me later
ME: k, bai
MILEY: Byyyyyye

"God, why can't they just be a PR stunt.." I mumble, forgetting how close the hallway is to me.

"Huh?" Luke turns his head to me.

"Nothing." I shrug.

MAX: hows it going with luke-makes-me-wanna-puke?
ME: Why do you ask?

I told Max about what happened, obviously. Luke did the same thing Calum does to her, yet she hates Luke for it, and loves Calum still?

MAX: because i know youre in a room alone with him and last time that didnt go great. plus calum brought a girl.
ME: ARE YOU FUCKING SHITTING ME RIGHT NOW
MAX: its not a big deal, i just need something to distract me
ME: EVERYONE GOES OUT TO BREAKFAST AND HE DECIDES HES GOING TO BRING A GIRL EVEN THOUGH HIS GF IS ALSO THERE??
MAX: I'm not his girlfriend, and hes not my boyfriend. no biggie.
ME: Well then what are you two?
MAX: I dont know. were just us.
ME: Hm.

"Um." I lift my head to see Luke standing in front of me, fiddling with his coat sleeves. "I'm- I'm really sorry, for what happened yesterday." He stutters, refusing to look me in the eye.

Well, might as well be truthful. No point sugar coating it for him. "Yeah, it was a really shitty move." I shrug. "I honestly thought you were better than that." I laugh a little, and bite my lip. "Guess I was wrong." I look back down at my phone. He stands there for a few seconds, not saying anything, and then he leaves. I turn and watch him cross the street through the window. He lowers his head so the hood is covering his face, when he sees a bunch of girls waiting for him.

LUKE'S POINT OF VIEW

"Guess I was wrong." She looks down at her phone, and in that moment, I can physically feel my entire world crashing down in front of me. I attempt at saying something to her, but no words come out. I'm in utter, depressing shock. Any chance I had with her is gone. My heart has never in my life felt so numb yet so much like a sharp pain keeps poking at it. I close my eyes, and walk off the bus. I get to where everyone is having breakfast.

Michael is talking to a waitor, and without saying anything to him, I take his arm with every inch of force I have, and pull him into the bathroom.

"What the fuck?" He frowns.

"You ruined everything!" I yell.

His eyes widen, "Whoa, Luke, calm down man, what happened?-"

"I'm not going to fucking calm down! I always calm down! I'm always quiet, so you can be loud! I might've actually had a chance with her!" I shout. The guys in the bathroom look at me like I'm crazy, and walk out. Michael rolls his eyes.

"You couldn't have had a chance with her-"

"How do you KNOW that though?! Because I'm PRETTY SURE you aren't god?!" I yell. Fuck, how much I want to punch him right now. "I'm in LOVE with her, Michael! I've never been in love with anyone EVER, and you fucking it all up for me!" I scream, tears starting to stream down my face.

"Mate, you ruined it for yourself. She's a fan, she knows you're dating Amy, she would've slapped you eventually." He shrugs.

"But wasn't it MY choice?!" I scream, "I had a plan, and you ruined it! You ruin EVERYTHING for me, Michael-"

"I started the band!"

"Every time I feel something, you knock it down! This one girl, I actually wanted to be with this ONE GIRL, and you HAD to get involved!"

"I like her-"

"Well I LOVE her!" I yell.

"You don't know what love is! You're a kid!"

"So are you!"

"You act like a fucking four year old, Luke! You're awkward, and you're quiet, and you don't want people to know how MUCH you think you're a failure, because somewhere in your life, someone fucked you up, and NOW you don't know how-" Before he can finish that shitty sentence, I slap him straight across the face. My eyes widen along with his. I've never slapped him before, we're family.

"You fucked up the one thing I actually want." I say quietly, and walk out of the bathroom.

I get back to the bus, trying to hide my tears, and walk straight past Riley. I lye on my bed and pull the curtain closed. I squeeze my eyes shut. "I am a failure." I whisper, more tears falling from my eyes.

RILEY'S POINT OF VIEW

"I am a failure." I hear faintly from Luke's bed. I frown, and look over at the closed curtain. What?

LUKE'S POINT OF VIEW AGAIN

"I don't know what I'm doing anymore." I say quietly.

"Um, Luke?" I hear Riley say.

"Yeah." I say like a twelve year old first waking up.

"Are you like, okay?"

"Yeah." I repeat. She doesn't say anything back.

Know I'm not okay. Know I haven't been okay. Know I need you, know I'd do anything for you, know it's hard to breathe these days.

Nope. She won't know those things, because the media doesn't know those things.

I hear a little tap on the curtain, so I hum.

"Can you open the curtain." Her voice says simply. I pull it back, revealing her perfect face. "If you're actually okay, sorry to bother you. But you don't seem okay... So don't lie to me, are you okay?" Wow. She actually cares. Unlike everyone else.

The tears start back up again, and her facial expression softens. I shake my head, "No."

She frowns. She seems like the type of person to ask first, or not bother at all, but instead she just lies down next to me and pulls the curtain closed. She doesn't say anything, I don't say anything, yet somehow it's helping.

"You're not a failure." She says quietly. Yes I am.

"Okay." I say. What am I supposed to say? I'm not going to rudely disagree with her, but I'm not agreeing with her either.

"You saved my life." She starts fiddling with the hem of her shirt.

"I did?" I raise my eyebrows. She nods, staring at the wood of Ashton's top bunk. "H-How?"

Riley shrugs, "Just.. Being alive, I guess. You're the only person who makes me genuinely happy, or feel like I'm not a mistake." She mumbles the last part.

I wanted to tell her I feel the same about her, I wanted to tell her I love her, but do I? No. Because Michael's right. He's mature, I'm a four year old who can't do anything right, and feels to much and says none of it.

"Um. N-Not to ruin this, but aren't you worried about Amy.." I say quietly.

She sighs, and turns over to face me. "I know you like her and everything, but if we're having a huge truth fest here, I don't give a shit about Amy. Will I kiss you? No, that's just slut behavior. But what's happening right now is completely innocent. So. Yeah." She bites her lip. She's being way more confident than she usually is right now. It's a good look on her.

"C-Can I ask you something?"

"Mhm." She looks up at me.

"Do you... Um. Do you love.. Michael?"

"As a fangirl, yes. As a person, yes. Romantically, no." She says. I smile, my cheeks turning pink.

"Okay, just wondering."

RILEY'S POINT OF VIEW

I've never wanted to kiss someone so badly in my entire life. My eyes focus on Luke's soft pink lips form into a smile. He chews on his lip ring; I imagine me straddling his hips and chewing on it for him.

Neither of us get up. When everyone gets back and call for us, neither of us answer, we just pretend we're not there.When everyone leaves for dinner, we don't go. When they come back, we don't answer again. When they go to bed and shut off all the lights, neither of us move an inch. It's actually really nice. It's completely innocent, so I have nothing to feel guilty for, but we just talked about a bunch of random shit. He told me about what it was like growing up with the famous Jack Hemmings, and I told him Liz was my queen which he responded with, "Liz is Liz's queen too.". I told him about how I grew up. My dad stopped caring, so I stopped writing him, my brother never liked me, my mom didn't want to know me anymore. I even told him about the cutting. Instead of looking at me funny, he pulled up his pant leg, and showed me a few little scars he has. I poked his nose (because who DOESN'T want to do that?) and he poked my dimple when I smiled. He told me cheesy jokes and I showed him the worst songs ever made. I told him about Stazzi, and accidentally said the part of imagining him there, and he just got the cutest little giggle and told me I'm cute. He told me what management controls with his life, and he isn't even allowed to tell his own mom some things about what they're making him say or the band will be released from the contract. A.K.A, no more 5SOS.

When it's gets darker outside, and everyone is already sleeping, and the bus is driving, he says, "D-Do you want to sleep in here tonight.. I just like, don't like being alone all the time."

I smile a little, "Being alone sucks." He smiles back and flips the little nightlight off. I find it really adorable everyone else has normal night lights but his is a Star Wars one. Nerd. I happily point out his nerdiness, too.

"Oh shush." He huffs, smiling, and pulls me into him. It's really late, even for me, and normally I'd be sleeping already but his touch is way more sensitive than other people. I don't know, it's like I feel more than what I usually can? That doesn't make any sense, oh well, I tried. For the first few minutes I just lye there with my eyes closed, practically beaming. Luke Hemmings has his arms wrapped around ME. Luke Hemmings' body is pressed against MINE.I bite my lip and mentally squeal. I can't believe today actually happened.

MAX'S POINT OF VIEW

I sit in the dark, on the couch, tears dripping onto my bright phone. The screen is showing me a picture of Calum, and as cliche as I'm being right now, I think I love him. How is that possible? How can I possibly love someone if we aren't even together? If he's always with other girls? I'm fifteen, I shouldn't even want to be in love yet. I don't EVER want to be in love, actually. Love hurts people, every time. I've been hurt enough.

Notes

(rileys part)

I SHIP IT BITCHES

(lukes part)

Don't mind me, heart currently crying.

(maxs part)

FUCKING FACONFCUIDNFOIEH ISS OKAY MAX I FEEL YOU I FEEL YOU
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Like how I do author notes like I didn't even write it XD