Shattered

What is determined and daring, yet timid and cautious; refuses to be lead on yet will willingly follow anything if coaxed; it is the strongest thing, possesses an iron-like will but is also the most fragile; the most highly guarded item known to man, however, is easily stolen; wise and senseless, fierce and bitter, but weak and sensitive; contains the darkest of secrets yet is innocent; when cared for right, it can be the most beautiful thing, but one choice will render it forever broken; although the greatest warrior it is easily conquered, it can skip but has no legs; sink, but is not a ship; can fly but has no wings; is not paper but easily torn; it is hard to obtain but easy to lose; it is not glass but has the potential to shatter; is not an animal but is often caged...
What is it?
A heart.
I hate myself. Every time I look in the mirror, I am disgusted by what I see staring back at me. Cursed. Cursed is what I am. I was once on top of the world- a Rugby and footie champ, musically gifted, all the girls loved me... Looks are what mattered in highschool.
But then God decides to play a sick joke and take that life of success away from you. That is why I am here, in the dark, sentenced to live out the rest of my life in this empty house that is too big for one.
I have a valid reason to be a bitter man. After the accident and all the drama before that, one thing after another fell apart. I do not even know why the three stuck around, they have become just as miserable as I am. And now that child has to be here, too.
I am toxic, I swear. Everything that I touch deteriorates, and I have to watch it all happen. And you know, fuck my dad. I would hardly call him a friend to the Lane's.
If only they had known. . .
Not everything is as it seems
"Couldn't sleep?" he asked, coming to sit beside me.
The April air nipped at my bare cheeks and tugged at my damp hair. Liam and I stared out across the yard through the slits of plywood over the window; I simply shrugged in response. I leaned on my forearms resting on the cold oak table tightening my grip around the bottle of beer in my hand. I gazed out the open window absent-mindlessly, only taking note of how unusually dark it felt here. There wasn't even a moon, but I refuse to turn on any light.
"Li, do you ever feel like you're lost, like you know where you are and how to get around but at the same time it feels entirely foreign to you?" I said suddenly.
Payne released a heavy sigh as he leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees and one fist clasped in the other.
"Something, I dunno, feels a bit off."
"Your balance, maybe?" he teased. It was a poor attempt to lighten the mood.
"No." I frowned.
Liam shifted uncomfortably as he grew serious again. "What are you on about?"
"That's just it, Li, I wish I knew." I gritted my teeth out of frustration, squeezing my eyes shut as I tried to center and focus my thoughts. But no words were surfacing, only blurry lines. I rubbed my eyes, worn by my own mind, then lifted the bottle to my lips and took a long swig of it. I set it down carefully, clearing my throat as my gaze settled itself across the overgrown yard.
Liam, studied me intently, nodding that sympathetic smile as his way of saying 'I get it'; he didn't, though. "Get some sleep Hazza," he murmured. "We have a lot to do tomorrow."

Notes