RooftopSinning's Autobiography

The day before third grade, the students got to go and meet their teachers. We never had a car, so we walked all the way to my school - which was pretty far. By the time we were walking out the door, a boy walked in with his mom. As we walked out, and he walked in, my eyes followed him.

Before that day, I'd never really known what a crush WAS, I didn't know the feeling, I didn't know the fear that goes into some of it. I just assumed you'd pick a cute, sporty boy, and silently fawn over him like they do in the movies.

The entire year, I had probably the biggest crush I've ever had on him. Let's go ahead and say his name was Ivan. I'd lye awake all night, just thinking about what he's thinking about, if somehow, I ever crossed his mind. We didn't speak to each other ONCE that entire year, but somehow, I KNEW that I liked him. His last initials were P.B. so everyone called him Peanut Butter. Every single night during dinner, I'd describe him to my mom and brother. Of course this annoyed the hell out of my brother. He'd ask why not just TALK to him, and I'd stare blankly at him and say:

"What." He'd roll his eyes and I'd keep talking.

In third grade I had this weird desire to be goth. I wanted to wear black, I wanted to embrace my silence, I wanted the feeling that people knew not to mess with me. Maria always told me I'd never be a goth. I didn't know what "emo" was either.

In fourth grade, Maria started taking her violent WORDS, to a whole new level. She started talking down to people, blackmailing them, she'd kick them so hard in the knee sometimes they'd bruise. The very moment I realized, hey, she's my only friend. And I'm a little scared of her, was the worst moment of my life. Because then I started doing it. And I never stopped. The thing is, (this is really hard for me to write, I've only told a couple people who weren't in that class about it) we bullied boys. Mostly Ivan. And I still liked him. Four OTHER girls in that class liked him to. He wasn't popular. He just had that special charm and twinkle in his eye we all loved. He never told us to stop though. He just laughed when we chased him, and grunt when we kicked him. But he never told us to stop. Like he enjoyed it somehow. The moment when he was wearing shorts in the lunch line, made me realize what we were really doing. A HUGE gash was taken out of his knee, a large scab forming over it. Maria had kicked him the day before... But I didn't realize she did it so hard. I wanted to yell at Maria for getting me into this, that I'm probably in love with Ivan even though I'm nine, and that I'm sorry. But I didn't. Maria had knocked me down so much, it's almost as if I wasn't my own person anymore. Like I was her minion. And she says, goes.

That same grade, I had a best friend, (more like a brother), his name, let's say, is Nathan. Nathan had the most dirtiest mind I've ever seen. Like, it was bad.

But he never offended anyone. he was nice to everyone. One day I told him I had a little crush on his friend, let's say Mason.

I guess he told him, because at lunch he asked me out. After the guys at his lunch table heard him, three other guys tried asking me out. It was ridiculous. I just got really flattered and said um. Maria whisked me away to recess, and I didn't answer him. When I did, I said sure. But it was a weird kind of dating, it was like we used to word, but we were NEVER together.

Even though it was nothing, the guilt of lying to my mom about "dating" someone, was killing me. After a day and a half I got Maria to break up with him for me.

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