*Journal Page*
Lizzie was right. As soon as she and I started being ourselves, Liam relaxed. Some time has passed, and Liam and I’s friendship is pretty much back to normal.
We are on a break from the tour, and I am on my way to Italy, to attend Ella’s first birthday party.
Hard to believe my sweet little goddaughter is a year old. Everyday that passes, she
looks more and more like her mum. Of course it is always her father’s eyes looking back at me. A constant reminder that little Ella is not mine.


*Journal Page*
I arrived at the villa late last night, Lizzie was already in bed. This morning, I looked around the kitchen for her, finding her talking with Niall. The moment I saw her, I knew something was wrong. She didn’t look as though she was feeling well. I felt an immediate knot in my stomach.
As she walked past me, I gently grabbed her arm. “Are you alright, Lizzie?” I asked her quietly.
She gave me a smile, however not her usual sparkling smile. She assured me she was fine.
I didn’t believe her. “You’d tell me if something was wrong, wouldn’t you?” I asked her, concerned.
She patted my arm. “Nothing’s wrong, H.”
I had to hope she was telling me the truth. There’s no way I could handle if something was seriously wrong with Lizzie.

Ella’s first birthday party was perfect. Large but not too over the top. My little goddaughter was quite the hostess, making her way around to all her guests.
I tried my best to hang back a bit, not wanting to take anything away from Lizzie and Liam’s big day with little Ella.
I did, however, keep my eye on Lizzie. I could tell she did not feel well. Liam seemed fine, so if it was something serious, he mustn't be aware.
Then I watched as Ella, Liam, and Lizzie sat down together to watch Cinderella. That’s when it hit me...she’s pregnant again.
The mixture of emotions hit me like a freight train. Lizzie is an incredible mum, and the thought of her having another child made me happy for her.
However, somehow Lizzie and Liam having another child felt like another nail in the coffin of my hope of ever being with the woman I love.
I know...I’ve told everyone that I’ve never expected Lizzie to leave Liam. That I know I can't have her. That’s not completely true. A large part of me doesn’t believe she’d ever leave Liam, yet a small part has hope. Hope that life isn’t so cruel that it would keep me away from someone I love so much.

I took a long walk, making it back to the party in enough time to hear the song Liam had written for Ella. The song was amazing, he did an incredible job. Makes me a bit sad, knowing Lizzie will probably never hear many of the songs I’ve written for her. The ones she has heard, she doesn’t even know they are about her.
After the cake, Lizzie, Liam, and Ella disappeared for a little while.

When they returned to the party, Liam made the announcement I knew was coming. Lizzie was pregnant again.
I made my way through the crowd of people congratulating them. I went up behind Lizzie, whispering in her ear. “Congrats, Lizzie.”
She turned around and we hugged. I could now see the glow behind the obvious
effect morning sickness was having on her. “That explains why you weren’t feeling well earlier.”
She smiled. “Yes.”
“I’m very happy for you both.” As I said it, I knew a part of me truly was.
She thanked me, then I looked towards Liam. He was talking to some people, not looking our way. I kissed Lizzie on the forehead, then went inside the villa to pack.

I made an excuse, and left Italy sooner than I’d planned. How much longer can I go on like this? Why do I insist on keeping my life on pause, while Lizzie is clearly going on with hers? I know exactly why, because I deeply love a woman I can’t have. I love her so much that I can’t let her go, no matter how hopeless the situation.

************
“You’ve been awfully quiet these last few pages, Alice.”
She looks up at her friend. “Honestly, Harry, I’m not sure what to say.”
He smiles. “I understand.”
“It just doesn’t seem fair. I feel horrible for you, H.”
“Believe it or not, just you reading my journal pages, helps me. Having someone I can confide in.”
“What are you going to do?”
“I’m not sure. It’s been awhile since I’ve seen Lizzie. We text, but haven’t physically seen each other. Being away from her hasn’t changed my feelings. I’m not sure anything will.”
“I wish I had a perfect solution for you, Harry.”
He smiles. “I know you do, and I appreciate that. I’ll just throw myself into work, and spend my free time alone for now.”
“Harry, you do realize there are hundreds of thousands of women who want you.”

His eyes find that distant, nonexistent object. “That doesn’t matter when the only one you want, you can’t have.”

Notes