Love Guru
The one with the mistake
Lesson 1: Never leave anything to science
I was the queen of coming up with stupid ideas
August 14 2021
Leaving my body to science was probably the stupidest thing I ever did. But when Ms. Peterson told us about how important cadavers were to the saving of lives and passed around the paperwork my stupid seventeen year old brain told me that it was a great idea. I'd never expected to actually use it; at the most I thought that if I had the misfortune of dying I would end up an organ donor or something. I hadn't expected to almost single-handedly bring down the music business, the world's biggest popstar and the 'king of the screen' with me as I signed my name on the line.
But I suppose I'm getting ahead of myself. It all started the day that I 'died.' Being a bit of a science geek and left completely friendless on the shores of the Great Lakes over summer vacation I decided it would be a just peachy idea to go collect specimens. So grabbing the sole swimsuit I owned I’d made my way down to the lake front in the old truck my brother was letting me use for the summer. Being the youngest of 4 and the only one left in the house had its advantages. My parents had gotten so used to my brothers being crazy that when we were at the lake they pretty much let me do what I wanted.
“Sweet mother of Gandhi.” The curse left my lips a little louder than I had intended as instead of managing to strap the specimen bottle to my leg all I’d managed to do was shatter it.
I’d been meaning to try to keep whatever I caught alive. I’d always thought that killing something in the name of science was cruel unless you were dissecting it. But with my jars shattered in a pile of broken glass I had no choice but to grab my makeshift dart gun out of the back of the truck. Wading to the edge of the lake I heard yelling from behind me. An older man was waving his arm at me shouting something. Eager to get in and then get home I waved back before slipping my snorkel on my face and heading in. If I’d stayed and listened none of this would have happen.
A boating competition, it was a freaking boating competition that spelled the end of life as I knew it. If I’d actually thought about it I would have remembered Jackson going on and on about how he loathed missing it the last couple weeks of school. But instead I decided to swim right into the middle of it. In my defense I was just following a rainbow smelt that refused to be caught. I’d never been the most athletic person, I could pass gym class but I wasn’t going to win medals or anything but currently the score was fish 5 and Ansley 0 and I was determined not to let a four inch fish outswim me.
Which is why when I caught it, I pushed towards the surface to victory and right into the tail end of a boat. I’ll spare you the details on what happens when a seventeen year old girl gets pulled into idling propellers and honestly I don’t even remember most of it. But five surgeries, thirteen hours and a medivac to California later my body wasn’t my body anymore. It was a new surgery procedure, something that was still being done on trial error only. Apparently I was a prime candidate for it because of the extensive head damage and the doctor was already performing another one. And while the surgery was successful the nurse put my brain in the wrong container.
Blinding light and silence, that was what met me when I finally woke up. I could only remember brief flashes of what happened, my lungs burning, the beeping of the monitor, elevator music. When I woke the room was eerily empty, there was no sound other than the steady beeping of the monitors. I’d at least expected to see my parents but there was no one there. Pressing the nurse button I took a second to look around the room, it was a lot nicer than I’d expected hospitals rooms to be. Maybe they were just this nice in California?
“What can I do for you Miss Henshaw?” A young overly eager nurse walked into the room carrying a clipboard and a glass of water.
“Where are my parents?” I asked before her words settled into my brain. Henshaw? Did she just call me Miss Henshaw?
“They aren’t here Miss.” She stated with a sad smile before turning to walk out.
“Excuse me, what did you call me?”
“Miss, Miss Henshaw?” The nurse said nervously, it sounded like she thought I was accusing her of calling me something profane.
“My name is Ansley Brooks.” I stated and the nurse’s rosy skin turned pale as a ghost.
I should have known the second the nurse scuttled out of the room and came back ten minutes later with a grave looking doctor that something was wrong. With a stoic but uneasy attitude the doctor sat at the edge of my bed.
“Okay now miss…” He trailed off.
“Brooks.” I offered.
“Miss Brooks, what is your full name?”
“Ansley Elizabeth Brooks.”
“Date of birth?”
“12th of July 2004.”
“Childhood address?”
“918 Rocking Horse Drive San Diego, California.”
With each answer the doctor shifted more and more before he stopped asking questions. The entire process was rather confusing. The doctor folder his hands across themselves before giving me a pitying look.
“Miss Brooks, I’m afraid there has been a mistake. Your parents gave the hospital permission to perform an experimental surgery. Because of your paperwork and the fact that it may have been the only way to save your life you were perfectly suited for the trial. This surgery involved the removal of your brain to prevent damage caused by swelling and other head injuries. We were performing two surgeries at the time and the brains appeared to have been switched.”
I’d never been one for showing emotion but at that point I was certain my mouth was hanging open like the dead bass I’d dissected in the garage during 4th grade. They removed my brain? The word paperwork stumped me for a moment before I remembered poor Ms. Peterson.
“What’s happened?” I asked shakily.
“I’m afraid you and the other patient,” The doctor cleared his throat like what he was about to say was unbelievable and uncomfortable to admit, “switched bodies.”
When I opened my mouth to speak the doctor held up his hand. “Before you ask Miss Brooks, the hospital gives you its deepest condolences but because of the danger of the procedure switching you and Miss Henshaw back will not be happening.”
Henshaw, there was that name again, I could only guess that was the last name of the other unlucky girl; which I knew for a fact when the doctor handed me the mirror so I could see my ‘new face.’
I would be a liar if I said that at that moment I hadn’t recognized the person’s body that I’d near magically jumped into. I was pretty sure everyone on the western hemisphere knew who Tiffany Henshaw was. This is why I was confused when I ended up staring into her face, or should I say my face. I didn’t keep up with celebrity gossip but I’m pretty sure that last I heard Tiffany was partying all night and working on a CD, not having experimental brain surgery. Leaving me with a nurse before coming back with a folder the doctor shoved a piece of paper in my face.
“Sign it.”
“What is it?”
“It’s a confidentiality agreement. It was stipulated upon the entrance to the trial that if anything went wrong those involved would sign one of these. There are people who aren’t fond of our…… methods.”
“So my parents know what’s going on?” I asked hopefully, they signed me into this nightmare of a trial so that meant they were ‘involved.’
“No, I’m afraid we only will need signatures from you and Miss Henshaw. This document states that we are not held in further responsibility and if you explain to people what happened it is a federal crime. I need you to sign it Miss Henshaw.”
The tone in his voice told me that I did not want to get on his bad side so despite my brain yelling at me I signed ‘T. Henshaw’ on the bottom of the document. Giving me a steely smile the doctor nodded at me.
“We’ll have the nurses run some tests and then you should be free to go.”
I gave the doctor a fake smile before leaning back into the pillows. My life was officially over, and I couldn’t tell anyone. I suppose this counts as telling someone, but even if they find it at least someone knows.
I was the queen of coming up with stupid ideas
August 14 2021
Leaving my body to science was probably the stupidest thing I ever did. But when Ms. Peterson told us about how important cadavers were to the saving of lives and passed around the paperwork my stupid seventeen year old brain told me that it was a great idea. I'd never expected to actually use it; at the most I thought that if I had the misfortune of dying I would end up an organ donor or something. I hadn't expected to almost single-handedly bring down the music business, the world's biggest popstar and the 'king of the screen' with me as I signed my name on the line.
But I suppose I'm getting ahead of myself. It all started the day that I 'died.' Being a bit of a science geek and left completely friendless on the shores of the Great Lakes over summer vacation I decided it would be a just peachy idea to go collect specimens. So grabbing the sole swimsuit I owned I’d made my way down to the lake front in the old truck my brother was letting me use for the summer. Being the youngest of 4 and the only one left in the house had its advantages. My parents had gotten so used to my brothers being crazy that when we were at the lake they pretty much let me do what I wanted.
“Sweet mother of Gandhi.” The curse left my lips a little louder than I had intended as instead of managing to strap the specimen bottle to my leg all I’d managed to do was shatter it.
I’d been meaning to try to keep whatever I caught alive. I’d always thought that killing something in the name of science was cruel unless you were dissecting it. But with my jars shattered in a pile of broken glass I had no choice but to grab my makeshift dart gun out of the back of the truck. Wading to the edge of the lake I heard yelling from behind me. An older man was waving his arm at me shouting something. Eager to get in and then get home I waved back before slipping my snorkel on my face and heading in. If I’d stayed and listened none of this would have happen.
A boating competition, it was a freaking boating competition that spelled the end of life as I knew it. If I’d actually thought about it I would have remembered Jackson going on and on about how he loathed missing it the last couple weeks of school. But instead I decided to swim right into the middle of it. In my defense I was just following a rainbow smelt that refused to be caught. I’d never been the most athletic person, I could pass gym class but I wasn’t going to win medals or anything but currently the score was fish 5 and Ansley 0 and I was determined not to let a four inch fish outswim me.
Which is why when I caught it, I pushed towards the surface to victory and right into the tail end of a boat. I’ll spare you the details on what happens when a seventeen year old girl gets pulled into idling propellers and honestly I don’t even remember most of it. But five surgeries, thirteen hours and a medivac to California later my body wasn’t my body anymore. It was a new surgery procedure, something that was still being done on trial error only. Apparently I was a prime candidate for it because of the extensive head damage and the doctor was already performing another one. And while the surgery was successful the nurse put my brain in the wrong container.
Blinding light and silence, that was what met me when I finally woke up. I could only remember brief flashes of what happened, my lungs burning, the beeping of the monitor, elevator music. When I woke the room was eerily empty, there was no sound other than the steady beeping of the monitors. I’d at least expected to see my parents but there was no one there. Pressing the nurse button I took a second to look around the room, it was a lot nicer than I’d expected hospitals rooms to be. Maybe they were just this nice in California?
“What can I do for you Miss Henshaw?” A young overly eager nurse walked into the room carrying a clipboard and a glass of water.
“Where are my parents?” I asked before her words settled into my brain. Henshaw? Did she just call me Miss Henshaw?
“They aren’t here Miss.” She stated with a sad smile before turning to walk out.
“Excuse me, what did you call me?”
“Miss, Miss Henshaw?” The nurse said nervously, it sounded like she thought I was accusing her of calling me something profane.
“My name is Ansley Brooks.” I stated and the nurse’s rosy skin turned pale as a ghost.
I should have known the second the nurse scuttled out of the room and came back ten minutes later with a grave looking doctor that something was wrong. With a stoic but uneasy attitude the doctor sat at the edge of my bed.
“Okay now miss…” He trailed off.
“Brooks.” I offered.
“Miss Brooks, what is your full name?”
“Ansley Elizabeth Brooks.”
“Date of birth?”
“12th of July 2004.”
“Childhood address?”
“918 Rocking Horse Drive San Diego, California.”
With each answer the doctor shifted more and more before he stopped asking questions. The entire process was rather confusing. The doctor folder his hands across themselves before giving me a pitying look.
“Miss Brooks, I’m afraid there has been a mistake. Your parents gave the hospital permission to perform an experimental surgery. Because of your paperwork and the fact that it may have been the only way to save your life you were perfectly suited for the trial. This surgery involved the removal of your brain to prevent damage caused by swelling and other head injuries. We were performing two surgeries at the time and the brains appeared to have been switched.”
I’d never been one for showing emotion but at that point I was certain my mouth was hanging open like the dead bass I’d dissected in the garage during 4th grade. They removed my brain? The word paperwork stumped me for a moment before I remembered poor Ms. Peterson.
“What’s happened?” I asked shakily.
“I’m afraid you and the other patient,” The doctor cleared his throat like what he was about to say was unbelievable and uncomfortable to admit, “switched bodies.”
When I opened my mouth to speak the doctor held up his hand. “Before you ask Miss Brooks, the hospital gives you its deepest condolences but because of the danger of the procedure switching you and Miss Henshaw back will not be happening.”
Henshaw, there was that name again, I could only guess that was the last name of the other unlucky girl; which I knew for a fact when the doctor handed me the mirror so I could see my ‘new face.’
I would be a liar if I said that at that moment I hadn’t recognized the person’s body that I’d near magically jumped into. I was pretty sure everyone on the western hemisphere knew who Tiffany Henshaw was. This is why I was confused when I ended up staring into her face, or should I say my face. I didn’t keep up with celebrity gossip but I’m pretty sure that last I heard Tiffany was partying all night and working on a CD, not having experimental brain surgery. Leaving me with a nurse before coming back with a folder the doctor shoved a piece of paper in my face.
“Sign it.”
“What is it?”
“It’s a confidentiality agreement. It was stipulated upon the entrance to the trial that if anything went wrong those involved would sign one of these. There are people who aren’t fond of our…… methods.”
“So my parents know what’s going on?” I asked hopefully, they signed me into this nightmare of a trial so that meant they were ‘involved.’
“No, I’m afraid we only will need signatures from you and Miss Henshaw. This document states that we are not held in further responsibility and if you explain to people what happened it is a federal crime. I need you to sign it Miss Henshaw.”
The tone in his voice told me that I did not want to get on his bad side so despite my brain yelling at me I signed ‘T. Henshaw’ on the bottom of the document. Giving me a steely smile the doctor nodded at me.
“We’ll have the nurses run some tests and then you should be free to go.”
I gave the doctor a fake smile before leaning back into the pillows. My life was officially over, and I couldn’t tell anyone. I suppose this counts as telling someone, but even if they find it at least someone knows.
Notes
Hi everyone,
So this might be entirely horrible but I'd just realized when my sister bugged me about it that I hadn't written anything creatively in ages. Welcome to Love Guru, I wanted to write something fluffy and comedic but with a bit of a twist and this was born.
Hope you enjoy it :)
Let me know what you think,
London
@Red Balloons
Thanks :) and I'm working on the next one now
3/7/16