“We’re just not right for each other.”

May 22, 2013
The Bently Mansion


I have been close to reaching my very last limit. The day I woke up without Harry and realized that he hadn’t even came over, everything in me had snapped. He hadn’t even confirmed if he had married Penelope or not, and it’s been two weeks. Two weeks, and I haven’t even heard from Harry. Two weeks and I have reached my final peak.

“It’s okay, honey,” mother quickly whispered to me in a gentle voice, running her hand over my shoulder and nodding her head. “It’s been two weeks, Ana. It’s time to move on.”

I had begged my parents to come back as soon as I realized that I didn’t wake up to the man I loved, because I knew I would need company. I knew that if I was in this huge mansion alone, I would just rot. I wouldn’t get out of bed, or shower, or anything. I would just rot.

“No,” was all I said and mother shook her head when I laid down on the living room couch. “It won’t ever be the same, and it won’t ever be okay. I know that’s not what I’m supposed to say but this time, I mean it.”

Then everything just hit me like a bag of bricks. After months and months of presuming, my theory had finally been right: I was literally nothing. Without Harry, I was nothing. He had completed me in more ways than one, whether I wanted to believe it or not. I wasn’t whole anymore, I was… nothing.

And just like that, I let everything go. Every tear I had been holding in, every scream, and every wince of pain, I let go of. For the first time, I was ashamed of how much I loved Harry Styles.

~~

I felt the lump in my throat growing larger by the second. I didn’t know what I was doing, honestly. Was it stupid? Yes. Was it crazy? Absolutely. But I didn’t know what else to do. Mother told me it was a stupid idea and that I shouldn’t have done it, but I couldn’t help it. It’s what my heart wanted.

As soon as I walked onto that familiar mansion’s front porch, I wanted to leave. I wanted to fall straight to my knees and cry out. I wanted to cry out so loud that he would hear me from outside. I knew he was in the Dahm because his car was parked neatly in it’s spot in the front yard.

Without breathing, I knocked four loud times on the front door. Then an anticipation spread over me and the hairs on the back of my neck began to stand. I didn’t have a good feeling. I didn’t know what to expect.

Just as I was about to give up, the door I was standing in front of opened slowly. My mouth dropped when I saw Penelope dressed in one of Harry’s button-ups, her protruding belly causing his shirt to tighten on her body. But… I don’t understand…

“Anastasia?” Penelope nearly gasped and the tears that were swimming in my eyes quickly fell when she pulled me into a tight embrace. “I didn’t know you were coming! I would’ve put on something a little more decent if I had known, please, come in!” her happy, tight voice made me cringe and I nearly puked.

She pulled me through the house with ease and into a bedroom I somehow hadn’t entered before. “Please make yourself comfortable, I know this was once a home to you,” she chirped to me before unbuttoning the button-up and tossing it on the floor as I sat down on the bed in the middle of the room. I wanted to look away, but her structure was distracting me. I was still shocked with the fact that she was pregnant enough to be showing. I was devastated.

My heart leaped into my throat when the light on the ceiling caught the glare of the shiny diamond ring perching on her left ring finger. I covered my face to hide the fact that I was nearly in sobs and began to slow my breathing.

“Ana?” Penelope’s voice came from above me and when I looked up from my hands, the cold air in the room lingered on my cheeks and I realized that I had in fact started crying. “What’s wrong? Are you okay?” she asked me quietly.

“Honestly? No. And you know why I’m not okay. Everyone knows why I’m not okay,” I said to her and she sighed, twisting the wedding band on her finger, as if to show off to me. “I really don’t even know why I’m here. This place just brings up memories that I don’t want to have anymore.”

“Don’t be like that, Ana,” Penelope whispered, grabbing onto my hands and making me look at her with a confused expression. “Listen…” she went to say something but we both stopped when we heard a familiar Brit singing a song down the hall.

My head began to spin and I just started screaming. I started sobbing. I couldn’t handle it. Especially because of what he was singing.

“Anastasia, please stop crying. It won’t solve anything,” she whispered to me, her expression tightening as if she was scared of the man that was about to walk into the room. She quickly stood to her feet and placed her hands on her belly, walking to the opening of the door. “Hello, Harry,” she chimed.

I covered my mouth to prevent myself from calling out his name, because I knew that I would crash. As soon as that man’s name would fly through my lips, I would collapse.

“What was all the noise, love?” I nearly puked. Love? I swear in that moment, by the way he grabbed her face and kissed her, I knew that everything was a lie. I knew that everything we had been through was just for fun. Just a game. Well played, Headmaster Styles. I don’t know why I didn’t see it coming.

“Shit.” When I looked up from the floor, my eyes met a pair of green ones and I felt my bottom lip trembling.

“I-I should go,” I quickly spat and stood to my feet, taking a deep breath and trying not to make eye contact with either one of them.

Just as I made it through the door and past them both, I caught a breeze of the minty smell that I had gotten so used to and tears began to stream down my cheeks. Now she would be able to get used to it. Now she would be able to hold him dearly in his sleep while he cries out at night for someone to hold him. Now she would be able to hold the love that he had for her so tightly. Now she gets to have a family with the man that I love.

Just as I had thought all hopes were gone, as soon as I stepped out of the mansion, a firm hand caught my elbow and I whipped around, terrified of myself and how I would react. “I need to talk to you,” the words came out of his mouth so smoothly and I cringed.

“I-I said I should go,” I whimpered and his grip on my elbow tightened.

“Please, Ana,” he closed his eyes when he spoke so subtly to me and I sucked in a breath, tucking my bottom lip in between my teeth and nodding my head. “Let’s go to the pond?” he suggested and I whimpered again, halfway shaking my head and halfway nodding it.

As we walked to the back to where I thought of too many things, I began to shake. I was so tired, and upset, and I was still crying. I knew why he didn’t ask why I was, because I knew that he knew the reason. He knew why I was crying, and he knew that if I confirmed it, he would get upset.

His hand was still on my elbow and he moved his hand to my forearm, obviously scared I would run away. I wanted to as soon as the cool metal of his wedding ring struck my skin.

I shivered. “Why did you bring me out here? I wanted to leave. I can’t be here anymore, I’m obviously not wanted here.”

Harry sighed beside me. “Ana―”

“You lied to me Harry. You lied the entire time. While I was falling in love with you, you were falling in love with another woman. Do you know how much that hurts?” I mumbled and we stopped walking. I went to walk away but he stepped in front of me and grabbed a hold of my hand. I couldn’t pull away, I didn’t have the strength to. “You played me the entire time.”

“No, I didn’t―”

“And what about that letter, huh? The one that you wrote me before you decided to get married to Penelope? The one that you wrote me before you mentioned to tell me that she was fucking pregnant?” I was beginning to yell. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“She told me the night before our wedding day, just after I wrote your letter…” he whispered to me and I swallowed hard. “That’s why we got married, Ana. That’s why I went through with it.”

I fell silent. It made sense, but I still felt uneasy. “You could’ve called me, and told me. I had to be rushed out of that church because I knew that if I would’ve said something, things would have been bad. The way you look at her, Harry…” He winced as if me saying his name pained him. “I know you never loved me as much as I loved you. Sure, you could have loved me once, but I don’t think it lasted very long. Your love for me… it was weak. It wasn’t pure… and for that I am ashamed to believe that it was.”

“You’re talking as if you’ve given up, Anastasia,” when he spoke, he sounded angry, and that confused me. He also didn’t deny anything that I said. My lips parted when he cleared his throat and placed his hands on my cheeks. He pulled me forward and rested his forehead in the crook of my neck. Yet I still didn’t have the strength to wrap my arms around him. “I can’t… I won’t… fuck,” he growled and pulled away from me, running his hands through his hair and looking at me as if he wanted to tell me everything.

“So tell me,” I mumbled and he looked away from me for a moment.

“Anastasia…” he ran a hand down his mouth and shook his head. “You won’t believe me. You will not believe me.”

“Tell me, Harry,” I was becoming a little impatient. I was tired and I was hurt. I didn’t want to be in this area any longer.

“I love you,” he blurted and I nearly fell to my knees. The sincerity of his voice made me cringe and couldn’t stand it. I didn’t know what to do. “You won’t believe me, but I fucking love you. I love you so much that I hate myself for it. I have a wife, and a baby on the way, and I am miserable where I stand. For the hundredth time in my life, I am ashamed of the man I have become. I wasted nearly four months of my life, worried that I would lose you because I had finally gotten someone that loved me. Someone who wanted to take care of me. I wanted someone who would love me like you did, and I took you for granted. And look, here I am, losing you. I am losing you, Anastasia,” he talked with grief and I wiped at the tears falling down my cheeks.

“It was your decision to marry or leave Penelope. You had to make a choice while considering the circumstances, Harry. And you chose to marry Penelope, and you chose to leave me. That was your own decision, and that was your own fault,” I told him and he walked back up to me, wiping my tears away. “I-I.. no.. don’t touch me.”

“Ana, please. Stay in my life?” he begged, bringing his hands through my hair and pulling me closer to him.

My face suddenly twisted into an expression that brought tears to his eyes. “How could you ask me that when you’re married to another woman and about to have her child?” I gave into him when he brought me closer and pressed a kiss to my forehead. “I don’t want to be in that kind of life, Harry, I’m sorry. I know you’re happy here in your home with a woman who treats you with so much respect. Make sure you take care of her. She loves you. Don’t lie to her like you lied to me, love her like I used to think you loved me…”

I felt my chin trembling and I shook my head.

“Harry?” Penelope stood on the back porch with her hands on her stomach, worry clearly stained in her innocent puppydog eyes. “I have to go to town for an ultrasound,” she stated loudly and I pushed Harry away from me, sadness melting all over my body from the ghost of his touch.

Harry covered his eyes and spoke, “Would you like me to come with you, Penelope?” I looked back at Penelope and she shifted from one foot to another, obviously uncomfortable with answering that question. Either she take him with her and leave things unfinished between us once again, or she leave her husband with a woman that is madly in love with him. If I were her, I’d be quite uncomfortable as well.

“No, I’d rather you stay here. I trust you both not to do anything crazy…” she trailed off and when I looked at her with raised eyebrows, she ushered herself back into the house.

“It’s time for me to go,” I said bitterly and took off to my car in the front yard. I could have guessed that Harry was going to chase after me. By the time I made it to the front yard, Harry’s car was gone and I realized that Penelope had taken it to go to town. “I want to go home, Harry!” I screamed at him when he grabbed my arm and he seemed a bit taken aback, but then he pressed my body up against my car and grabbed my chin.

“I don’t want to let you go. I can’t let you go,” he dropped his head onto my shoulder and let go of my chin, wrapping his arms around my waist and leaning against me so that I had nowhere to go. “I’ll leave her.”

“Don’t leave her, Harry. She loves you,” I mumbled against his shoulder.

“She doesn’t love me like you do.” His breath was tickling my neck and I felt tears in my eyes again. He was right, she didn’t love him like I did. She never did and she never will. But she deserved him.

“Harry, I have to go. You deserve this happy life, and this happy life doesn’t have me in it. We’re just not right for each other, Harry, you have to accept it,” I muttered and he turned his head to look at me.

“Don’t say that. Please don’t say that, I know you’re lying. That’s not right. Ana, baby, we’re perfect for each other. Yes we fight and you get on my fucking nerves all of the time. But I love you, more than anything in this entire world. Accept that,” he whispered on my cheek, turning his head all the way so that he could stare into my eyes. He was so close that he could kiss me, and I shook my head.

I shook my head because I wanted him to kiss me. I wanted him to wrap me up in his arms and tell me that he loved me again. Even though I’d have a hard time believing it. I wanted to hear it. I wanted to feel his lips against my own as if nothing bad had ever happened. As if he didn’t have a pregnant wife that lived in the house that he now owned to himself. The house that we used to make love in and pretend like nothing was ever wrong. I wanted everything to be okay.

But only things like that come true in fairytales.

And this isn’t a fairytale.

“I have to go,” I whispered to him. “I never should have come.”

Then as if he couldn’t hold back any more, he mushed his lips against mine. When I whimpered and held his cheeks, he kissed me harder. I wanted to pull away because I know that he was just trying to get me to stay, but I couldn’t. I didn’t want to stay but I couldn’t seem to pull my mouth from his. I wrapped my arms around his neck and he grunted, quickly kissing me with every piece of passion he had left as we both committed an act of infidelity. It was wrong, it was all wrong, but it was both what we wanted. I hated to admit it, but I loved the man so much that it was all I wanted to do. I wanted to forever be trapped in his arms, but I knew that I couldn’t be.

I knew that it wouldn’t work. When I pushed the man I loved away from me and out of my grip, I touched my lips and tried to remember what it was going to feel like without him. I looked back at Harry and bit my lip, wiping at my cheeks and remembering what it felt like for his hands to touch my skin, hoping that I’d always remember.

The last look that he gave me was devastating. The last look he gave me held so many emotions that all I could do was cry. I knew what he was feeling, because I was feeling it too. He was accepting the fact that it was over; he was telling me through his expression that he knew it would never be.

The last look we shared was everything but happy. The last look told our story. It held every hello, and every goodbye. It held every kiss and every touch. It held everything that we had ever been through, and just like that, it all vanished. It was gone. We both knew that what we had was something that we had to let go of and that we couldn’t keep holding on to. We both knew that we needed to move on with our lives in order to be completely happy.

That last look held a last goodbye, a last kiss, a last smile.

“I will always love you, Harry. Don’t forget it,” I mumbled to him before opening my car door. After he spoke one last time to me, I got inside my vehicle and a wave of emotion and grief washed over me.

As I drove down the old Bently mansion driveway that I was forced to forget but will always remember, I thought everything over. I knew that I wouldn’t ever forget Harry, and I would always love him with everything that I had, even if I was to marry.

A small smile drifted to my lips as I repeated his last words in my head, as if he were whispering them over and over just at the top of his driveway.





“And I will always love you, Anastasia. Even when we both have completely moved on with our lives and carried on, it will always be Ana and Harry.”

Notes

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