Harry

Self-esteem.

It’s one of those things that will either make us or break us. If we have faith in ourselves, are able to see the things that are good about us and still recognize the bad, then self-esteem is good, on a perfect level. If we let our confidence rise too high or fall too low, it’s likely to break you, destroy you a little bit at a time.

Admittedly, my self-esteem has had a bumpy path, especially since joining One Direction.
On one hand, you have all the fans screaming that they love you, that you’re attractive and amazing and fun. Then on the other hand, you have those that viciously put you down, saying you’re ugly, stupid, and shallow.

Even though the positive greatly outweighs the negative, somehow, the latter is able to really crawl under your skin and burrow deep.

Why is that?

As I drive back to our flat complex, I think about Marley, and her own self-esteem.

Because of it, she’s broken into these tiny, barely even macroscopic, pieces. People have been telling her all this time that she’s a coward, a murderer, and many other unmentionable names.

And she’s begun to believe it.

It’s been circling around in her head for so long now that she’s just begun to accept it, to believe in it. It’s not true, I know it, there has to be others who do too… she just doesn’t. And in the end, that’s where it really matters most.

I still have that little part of me that knows it’s not all true. I’ve got that part of me that convinces me that these really are all lies, that I am worth something, that I shouldn’t even try dragging a blade across my wrist again.

Marley doesn’t have that, not anymore.

And I’m going to get it back for her.

I pull into the complex and park by my own flat, getting out and swinging my keys around my finger.

I know it’s probably not good to think about this so much, to fixate myself on her, but she needs someone. With so much of the world against her, including herself, she needs to know at least one person still believes in her.

“I don’t know, do you think we should really butt in like this?”

“He’s obviously hiding something, and you saw him in the interview a couple days ago! I’m worried about him.”

“We all are mate, I know.”

I frown when I reach my front door, keys outstretched, listening to voices coming from inside. They sound like the boys, like they’re all just sitting in my flat… talking about me.

“You don’t think he’s getting involved in anything bad, do you?” Niall asks timidly.

“Like what?” Louis responds, but his tone is challenging, daring even.

There’s a pause before Niall answers. “I dunno… it could be anything…”

I can tell that he’s being cautious, especially around Louis, because he knows he’ll fight to the death to defend me. But what is he really thinking? Drugs? Prostitution even? Something worse?

“Right,” Louis says, and I finally decide that I’ve heard enough.

“What’re you all doing here?” I ask, opening the door and walking in, trying to ignore the way they all jump and exchange nervous glances.

Though I expected Liam to speak first, Louis nervously stands, wringing his hands together for a moment. “We want to just… check on you, Haz,” he says, timid in a way I’ve hardly ever seen him before. “You don’t seem yourself lately.”

“Oh I’m fine,” I say quickly, probably a bit too cheerily. “Just preoccupied and whatnot I suppose.”

“About what?” Zayn asks slowly, and I finally turn to face them all, seeing his dark brows furrowed in concern. My mind races to think up an answer. They obviously have seen me distancing myself, both in the media and from them in general. Like I said earlier, I’d really like to tell them about Marley, tell them that I’ve found someone who seems to truly understand, but she’s the only secret I have left. Is it really so much to ask to want to keep it that? A secret?

“Just… I dunno, there’s a lot going on in the world these days, you know how it is,” I say lamely, cursing myself in my head for coming up with such a shit excuse.

“Like what?” Zayn asks again, giving me that skeptical look he does that always manages to shine right through me.

I sigh and internally curse myself again. “Okay, so I don’t know, I’m just… preoccupied and all, okay? It’s nothing to worry about.”

“You’ve been really distant,” Liam adds cautiously. “We’re like… brothers, Harry. You know that. You can talk to us.”

They all nod in agreement, watching me with a concern that makes me both want to smile and scream.

It’s nice to know that they care, it really is, but can’t I have just one thing in my life to myself? Do people really have to know every little thing about me? How am I supposed to stay sane, stay who I am with everyone just butting into my life uninvited?

Right after that thought, another part of me slaps me in the face. Did I really just think that? Liam’s right, the five of us are like brothers, and here I am, shoving them away like this, persistently trying to kick them out of my life without a warning. It’s not fair to them, not in the slightest.

“I’m sorry,” I finally sigh, allowing my guard to drop a bit. In response, I see that they all look so hopeful, still concerned, but hopeful that I’ll actually let them in. “I’m… seeing someone.”

They all look really concerned then, and I realize quickly what they’re probably thinking of.

“No, not like that,” I quickly assure, and I can’t tell if they’re relieved or not. Maybe they think I’m seeing a shrink. “It’s just a friend… she’s really nice. She… understands, not herself exactly, but me. She gets it.”

Louis frowns for a moment. “We get it Haz,” he says quietly. “We’re in the same band, we’re going through the exact same thing, have been for years now. We should get it better than anyone.”

They should, but they don’t. Not really.

The rest of them remain silent, neither agreeing nor disagreeing aloud, but I can tell they’re saying the same thing in their heads.

“Who is this girl?”

What are they going to think when I tell them it’s Marley Sorin, not exactly one of the most well liked people in world, nor the best for a pop star reputation. But what else can I do? Just lie to them and say another celebrity, or a local, ordinary girl? Either way they’d want to meet her, there’s no point in lying anymore.

“Marley Sorin.”

They’re silent for a moment, their expressions twisting in various ways. Louis and Zayn look more surprised than anything, not horrified, not approving either. Niall seems like he’s unsure of what to think in general, sitting there with pursed lips and a slight frown. Liam on the other hand… I’m not sure what to make of him at all. He’s sitting with his jaw slightly slack, and I can tell he’s not sure what to believe. He seems more concerned than anything, yet also… glad, even? I can’t really tell. He’s always been one of the hardest to read, and this is just proving that point more than ever.

“The girl that’s been in the papers?” Niall dares to break the silence.

I nod slowly, hesitantly. I don’t know what they’re honestly going to make of it, of me being around her and compromising my reputation in the media. Sure, I don’t care anymore, but I’m sure that they do.

“She’s different than they portray her though, I swear,” I say quickly, trying to stop any debate or scolding before they can even start. “She’s real and genuine. She’s really broken and hurt too, but she just… she sees and understands. She’s different.”

They look skeptical, but I can tell that they see how genuine I’m being myself.

“That’s nice and all Harry,” Liam clears his throat. “But think of what’s going to happen to you if you’re spotted in the media with her. Just by association, she could ruin you-”

“Which is one of the reasons we haven’t been publicly meeting,” I retort. “It’s fine, we just meet in private and no one is the wiser. It’s… nice, for once. To be able to not have everyone know.”

I can tell that they understand where I’m coming from, but they’re still uncertain.

“What if she hurts the band’s image mate?” Louis tries to add, and I instantly feel a bit of rage bubble in my veins. Is that honestly what they’re concerned about? They’re more worried about their images, our image, than a girl who’s been through a traumatic experience? Are they really being selfish enough to imply that I should just ditch her all together and forget that we ever met?

“She won’t!” I snap. “That’s why we’ve kept it under wraps, I said, don’t worry about it.”
Louis looks taken aback, maybe even a bit hurt, that I snapped at him. Though part of me does feel guilty, the part that’s angry right now overpowers it easily.

“Harry-“ Zayn finally speaks up again.

“I don’t want to hear it,” I don’t give him to chance, cutting him off right away. “I don’t care anymore, alright? People already think I’m a whore and just a stuck up pop star!” I think back to the article I saw the other day. “They even think I’m into bloody drugs, alright? Unless they’re going to go and say I’m a rapist or a child molester, I don’t think it can get much worse you know!”

They cringe at my outburst, and I’m even surprised myself. Though the adrenaline is pumping through my veins, fueling my fire, I don’t think I’ve ever really snapped at the boys like that.

I’m a horrible person for it I know, but all I can do then is turn around and walk out. I know that they’re not about to leave, and if I can’t go in my own bloody flat, I’ll go somewhere else.

They can’t just judge people for what they read, they should know that most of all. They might not be as bad as mine, they might be, but either way, they should know, you can’t believe everything you see and hear in the media.

Maybe even though I see myself, I can’t help myself.

Somehow, I’m okay with that. Even though my self-esteem is low, it’s still there, just barely.

Marley’s isn’t.

And I’m going to help her get it back again if it’s the last thing I do

Notes

School and my family is so draining, meh.