Harry

“I thought we were a team Niall! What’re you doing!”

“Sorry mate, gotta do what you gotta do to win!”

I try not to laugh at Liam’s almost aghast expression before he turns back to the television screen, eyes narrowing intently on the four racing characters.

“Bloody hell, where did that come from!”

“You are a wanker if you throw that shell at me, you know that, right? Don’t you da- God dammit Zayn!”

Ah, leave it to Mario Kart to bring a group of boys together, right? Though the boys had insistently tried to get me to join in, I decided to sit out on this round, promising to join the next. It was obvious that the four of them have been enjoying having me back, the real me, but I still need time to think.

Time to think about helping Marley.

Now, I see everything differently. It’s like my eyes have been opened for the first time, and now things aren’t just in black and white, there’s color now, there’s flavor. The world suddenly doesn’t seem so grim, so terrible and bitter.

And I want her to be able to see that as well.

A couple days ago when she came over and realized what I was doing, how I basically spent my time looking at the things that hurt me, she seems to understand even more, in a way even I don’t.

I could tell it from her eyes at the time, the pure moment of realization in them. The way she seemed to speak to me differently, just… understand.

Now I need to figure out how to do the same for her, understand. What is it that causes her self-loathing?

“I’m so going to get you back for that!” Louis laughs, before a thud and sound of someone losing the breath in their chest hits my ears.

Though I’m still staring at the screen, I force myself to mentally check out, focus on Marley and her own problem now.

Think Harry, think.

After sitting and thinking for another few minutes, mindlessly watching the boys continue their race, my eyes almost bulge out of my head when it hits me. Like waking up and realizing you had only been dreaming, comprehension plows into me at full speed.

The public.

Just like how I would go online and read all the awful, heart wrenching things people said about me, she goes out in public. She insists on going out on evening walks in the park, doing all her own shopping by going out to groceries.

She does it because she knows that people will talk, will stare. She always says that she may as well, since there’s no point in hiding, but she wants to feel the eyes on her, wants to feel the way people look at her, to justify the way she feels about herself.

She tells everyone, including herself, that she’s going out to face the world head on. Only thing is, she goes out, but she doesn’t face it, not really. We both do the same thing, just in different ways.

“I have to make a call,” I suddenly blurt, rising from the couch so quickly it’s as if it’s a seat on fire.

The boys all stop for a moment, completely ignoring the game, staring at me. “Okay…” Liam slowly says, looking almost concerned.

Louis watches me the most carefully, narrowing his gaze before nodding. “Don’t be gone long. You’ll miss the next round.” Though I can tell he’s talking about anything but the game.

“I won’t,” I simply tell him, before moving across the room to the front door and stepping outside.

The whole night we’ve been hanging out in Zayn’s flat, just deciding to spend the night together as five, regular mates again. Under any other circumstances I’d join like any other night too, but I need to do this for Marley, after all she’s done for me.

“Hello?” A tired voice questions after two rings.

“Marley!” I almost shout in relief, walking down the steps of the flat to linger around the parking area. “Thank goodness you picked up,”

She sounds confused when she speaks next, and possibly even more tired. “Harry, what’s going on? Are you alright? Do you need me to come over or something?”

“No, no!” I immediately shake my head, a type of excitement building in my system that probably shouldn’t be. “I’ve figured you out! Just like you figured me out, I understand now!”

“Harry, what the hell are you talking about?” She sighs. “Figured me out how?”

A small smile lifts the corners of my mouth. “Just like how I go on the Internet, seeking out all the hate? You go in public. That’s your way of justifying hating yourself, letting everyone gawk and glare. That’s the way you damage yourself. But guess what, you don’t need to Marley. Because you’re not a bad person. I know that, now you just need to.”

There’s complete silence on the other end, and for a fleeting second, I wonder if the call dropped. Then I start to think and realize that if anything, she’s realizing something about herself just like I did, letting it sink in.

“Harry, what you’re saying is insane,” she finally says, but I don’t miss the way her voice quavers a bit. “I thought I was going to get attacked when I went out to the park one day, by a stranger that hated me for the incident. What person in their right mind would go out and do that to themselves?”

“You would!” I quickly retract the statement, realizing that calling her insane will do nothing to help the situation. “I mean, not because you’re crazy or anything. Just like with me and the Internet, you do the same, just in a different way.”

She’s silent again, and I remain so as well, hoping that the time will make it sink in even more.

“We both let them get to us, Marley,” I say firmly, glancing back at Zayn’s flat. “We let ourselves be torn down like this in a sick way of justifying the way we feel about ourselves, so now we need to build up all over again.”

Still silence.

“We all make mistakes,” I say in a gentler tone, soft enough that it sounds like a whisper, even to my own ears.

“It can’t be helped-”

“But Amy-” She sounds equally quiet, but ten times as broken. It’s the kind of broken that almost makes me want the ground to open up and swallow me whole right there. It’s the kind that makes you feel a physical pain in your chest, like an invisible hand is just squeezing your heart with the intent to crush it into dust.

It’s the kind of broken that I refuse to deal with anymore, coming from myself or from her.

“Her death wasn’t your fault,” I cut in. “You’re not a bad person, that man would have killed you both if you didn’t step aside. You had the choice of life and death, and you chose life… and there’s nothing wrong with that.”

Something sounds like a garbled mess, and it takes me a moment to realize that she’s crying, weeping even, at least by the sounds of it.

It’s the sounds that someone stripped bare makes. Sounds that someone who’s just lost their way, lost themselves, make. Realizing that not too long ago, I was practically in the same state crushes me. It makes me want to hate myself all over again, but I know I can’t do that. I’d only be letting my demons win, taking all this work and throwing it away so I’m right back at square one again.

“Not everyone can be a hero, Marley,” I tell her, closing my eyes and just breathing. Focusing on helping her. “Sometimes, we forget that we’re only human.”

The crying calms a bit, at least enough for me to be able to make out what she’s saying. “You’re right,” she chokes out. “I guess… I just had trouble completely hating myself, so I found ways to force myself to.”

“Well now that we both know, we don’t have to do it to ourselves anymore,” I tell her, feeling both sad to hear her like this, yet also relieved that she at least knows now. “We just have to get the rest of the world to realize that we’re only human too.”

Taking slow, shaky breaths, I hear her quietly say, “Do you really think we can, Harry? Get everyone else to believe that?”

Chuckling quietly, despite myself, I nod, glancing up at the night sky. “We won’t just get them to believe it. We’ll get them to see it.”

Notes

So now that they've both woken up a bit, where do you think this is going to go? How do you think they're going to get the world to see what's really going on? Let me know in the comments, please! As always, I'd love to hear it!