Human h.s
Chapter 9
Harry
‘Harry, the paparazzi know we’re in contact. What do I do??’
My fingers hover over the screen of my phone as I think of an answer to type. Really, I could just tell her the simple fact of what management tells us, stay out of public places where they can see you, preferably inside, and to just lay low for a few days.
But something about me feels like simply saying that isn’t enough.
I already knew about the fact that word was out now, considering my habit of checking all news regarding myself. Reporters were all over it this morning, and even now at night in my flat, I have that never ending feeling the paparazzi give me of being watched.
After a few more moments of consideration, I finally reply, ‘Just stay low and don’t panic, okay? And no matter what, don’t go online.’
I’m a fucking hypocrite.
It kind of makes me want to slap myself or go irritate Zayn just to get him to punch me. Here I am, telling Marley not to go online, not to see the horrible things that I see all the time now- at least it feels like it.
But just because I do that to myself, it doesn’t mean that I can’t try and keep her away from it, right? I’m only trying to protect her because I care after all.
Then what does that say about how you feel about yourself? A small voice whispers in my head, and I only try to ignore it.
Before I know what’s really happening, my hands are already reaching for the laptop on my coffee table, my fingers slipping between the two parts, separating them and watching carefully as the screen glows to life.
Something about this is like an addiction. I’m not really sure why, considering what I see when I do it makes me feel absolutely terrible, makes me want to do awful things to myself rather than the people who say them.
It’s just become one of those things over time where I just can’t… not know. I just have to, have to.
Ever since things like #HarryShit escalated again, and some that are a bit more creative like #StylesStinks and various other versions with more colorful language, I can’t stay away. Now it’s just like… not knowing is worse than the endless supply of what’s really there. I don’t even understand it myself, but I know it’s true.
‘Harry Styles, finding a new victim for kicks?’
‘Marley Sorin, broken girl, desperate enough to fall for player Harry Styles?’
‘Pop sensation Harry Styles taking advantage of vulnerable Marley Sorin? Is he just in it for the benefits?’
Though the first two are definitely things I expected, the last one catches me off guard slightly. Just what are they suggesting? Are they suggesting that I’m only communicating with Marley because she’s still broken and vulnerable after the incident? That I’m just trying to get into her pants?
Cautiously, I scroll over the link and click on it, feeling my stomach drop from nerves.
It’s going to be really bad, I can just feel it. After doing this long enough, I suppose you start to get a sense for these things. You start to just know, like some sort of sick sixth sense.
‘You’ve heard it right here folks. Harry Styles seems to have found a new victim- er, we mean girl. That’s right, Marley Sorin, the victim in a New Year’s robbery and murder scheme has been spotted with the curly haired band member!
Harry has an advantage of being quite the cheeky young lad. He’s dated the much older Caroline Flack, along with American sweetheart Taylor Swift. Both relationships didn’t end very well, nor did they get great fan support.
Marley was already victimized once, held at gunpoint with her (deceased) friend on New Year’s Eve. She’s already been through so much, the poor girl, and now Harry the charmer is going to come along and use her too?
Now picking up the vulnerable Marley, who would likely fall into anyone’s arms at this point, is it too much? What do you think? Do you think Harry has finally gone too far?’
I feel absolutely sick to my stomach.
They honestly think that I would do that? That I would victimize a girl who’s been through as much as Marley has and still use her anyways? Why does everyone see me in such a bad light, put me in positions that are so negative?
I’m still me; I still have a brain that I use. I’m really not one of the guys who lets their hormones and urges rule them, allow them to ravage girls for one night and be done with… Why?
Plus, since when has the press been so nice to Marley? Everything I read about Marley before was also negative, clearing saying under all the fancy wording that, yes, she killed her own friend. She was no better than a killer herself.
I guess they can only ruin one person at a time.
As I slam my laptop closed and sit back, closing my eyes, I feel almost disgusted with myself.
Obviously, I wouldn’t do anything like that. Obviously, I know I wouldn’t do anything like that. Yet, I nearly feel like I should hate myself, like they’re right.
That’s the thing about these papers, these media workers. They know how to really boost or lower self esteem in a person. I’ve always been firm in telling myself that I’m not that kind of person, never will be, but they manage to almost convince me…
If they can do that, what stops them from convincing the whole world?
Nothing, absolutely nothing, that’s what.
My hateful thoughts are interrupted when I hear the door suddenly open noisily, telling me someone’s come to visit, likely one of the boys.
“Harry?” A higher voice calls, but I don’t open my eyes.
I hear Louis come around the corner, stopping just by the end of the couch. “What are you doing?” He asks, sounding curious, maybe even confused.
“Just relaxing a bit,” I brush it off, just like always. “Tired is all.”
When I open my eyes, I see Louis standing there with a concerned smile,
a beanie on his head and a brown, paper bag in his arms
“Do you need something?”
He clears his throat uncomfortably, seeming to snap back from his slight daze. “I just came to… apologize,” he finally says, adjusting the bag in his grasp. “About the other day.”
I know he’s talking about the slight fight with the boys, more like the boys and me. I can’t find myself able to say it aloud though, so I only nod slowly, waiting for him to continue
“It wasn’t fair,” he finally continued on, looking more awkward and nervous than probably anyone had ever seen him before. “To you, or to Marley. I trust you, and I trust your judgment, therefore I should have trusted Marley,” he paused, seeming to think for a moment. “The other boys are sorry too, I know. They just figured that it would be better to leave you alone for a
bit. We all agree that we shouldn’t have been so selfish.”
After his spiel, I find myself smiling faintly, though deep under my skin I’m still upset. It’s nice to see him making an effort, trying at least, understand his error.
Louis is one of those people who have pretty thick skin. He doesn’t let much get to him, and isn’t easily offended, though because of that he’s not always very sensitive to other people and their feelings.
Knowing him as long as I have, I know how difficult it is for him to apologize for things, along with all that. He’s just one of those people that doesn’t like to admit to larger mistakes easily- which I understand, I mean, who does- so I appreciate the effort.
“What’ve you got there?” I question with a small nod, showing him acknowledgement of the apology.
Louis glances at the bag and smiles slightly. “A few drinks, sandwiches I picked up, and Love Actually because you’re an insufferable best mate and have a thing for chick flicks.”
I can’t help but grin at that. What can I say? I really like that movie, I can’t help it. What kind of player likes those?
At the thought of being a player, everything else comes rushing back at me from the article. My smile drops slightly and I just motion for Louis to put the DVD in and come on the couch with me.
“Something else wrong?” He asks, peering cautiously over at me as he kicks off his shoes and begins taking the DVD out of its case.
“No, nothing,” I say, though as I am, I can already see that Louis isn’t buying it.
Louis runs a hand through his hair before turning to face me, eyes narrowed dangerously. “How many times are you going to say that before you tell me the truth?”
I look up in surprise. I thought I had been doing a pretty good job of hiding my feelings lately. Apparently I was wrong.
“Wha-“ I begin to say before Louis cuts me off.
“What? You think I don’t notice, that the boys don’t? We saw how you were at the interview last week, how you’ve been distant, even before then,” he pops the case closed and moves over to sit beside me. “You may not believe it, but we all see Harry, we see you hurting.”
My head spins slightly. They’ve known for as long as it’s been going on and haven’t said anything? Why?
“We thought just giving you space would make it better in time,” he continues as if reading my thoughts. “But it’s obviously not, so talk to me. Please. I want to help you, but I can’t unless you say something.”
He’s seen all this time.
Before I know it, everything is spilling out of my mouth in one big rush. Everything I told Marley at Leatherbound, at her flat for dinner that night, over the phone, and more.
Once I start it’s a never-ending flow. A rush of how much hurt there is, so much pain all brought to me because I’m not brave enough. How I don’t have as thick a skin as him, as bright an attitude as Niall, as good a looks as Zayn, as kind of a personality as Liam…
“Harry,” Louis stops me after I say that. “Don’t compare yourself to us,” he frowns deeply, shaking his head. “We’re not you, okay? You’re your own person, and that’s someone wonderful and brilliant and amazing. We love you for you, and so many of the fans do too, there’s nothing to change. You’re only human.”
Only human.
The words echo in my mind, causing something to spark that makes me realize something.
He’s right. I’m only human.
I shouldn’t try to change myself for everyone else, want myself to even. I’m who I am and that’s not going to change. Like everyone else, I make mistakes; I just have half the world commenting on them.
I’m in the spotlight, therefore all those mistakes are on display, all those nasty assumptions and comments. That doesn’t mean they’re true though.
“You’re right Lou,” I say slowly, finding that after spilling it all to him and having him tell me what he did, I feel strangely better. “I shouldn’t do this to myself, let it get to me. I’m only me… only human.”
He smiles softly before breaking into a grin and happily picking up the remote. “Of course I am,” he says cheerfully, punching me lightly in the arm.
“Now let’s watch this sappy story for the hundredth time.”
“Thanks,” I tell him, genuinely meaning it. “This means a lot Louis, really."
“It’s only because I love you,” he answers, and though it appears that he’s referring to the movie, I know that he understand what I’m really trying to say and is accepting it.
It’s only me, another human on this world. It’s all I can ever be too, and now I realize.
All I have to do is help Marley see it too.
‘Harry, the paparazzi know we’re in contact. What do I do??’
My fingers hover over the screen of my phone as I think of an answer to type. Really, I could just tell her the simple fact of what management tells us, stay out of public places where they can see you, preferably inside, and to just lay low for a few days.
But something about me feels like simply saying that isn’t enough.
I already knew about the fact that word was out now, considering my habit of checking all news regarding myself. Reporters were all over it this morning, and even now at night in my flat, I have that never ending feeling the paparazzi give me of being watched.
After a few more moments of consideration, I finally reply, ‘Just stay low and don’t panic, okay? And no matter what, don’t go online.’
I’m a fucking hypocrite.
It kind of makes me want to slap myself or go irritate Zayn just to get him to punch me. Here I am, telling Marley not to go online, not to see the horrible things that I see all the time now- at least it feels like it.
But just because I do that to myself, it doesn’t mean that I can’t try and keep her away from it, right? I’m only trying to protect her because I care after all.
Then what does that say about how you feel about yourself? A small voice whispers in my head, and I only try to ignore it.
Before I know what’s really happening, my hands are already reaching for the laptop on my coffee table, my fingers slipping between the two parts, separating them and watching carefully as the screen glows to life.
Something about this is like an addiction. I’m not really sure why, considering what I see when I do it makes me feel absolutely terrible, makes me want to do awful things to myself rather than the people who say them.
It’s just become one of those things over time where I just can’t… not know. I just have to, have to.
Ever since things like #HarryShit escalated again, and some that are a bit more creative like #StylesStinks and various other versions with more colorful language, I can’t stay away. Now it’s just like… not knowing is worse than the endless supply of what’s really there. I don’t even understand it myself, but I know it’s true.
‘Harry Styles, finding a new victim for kicks?’
‘Marley Sorin, broken girl, desperate enough to fall for player Harry Styles?’
‘Pop sensation Harry Styles taking advantage of vulnerable Marley Sorin? Is he just in it for the benefits?’
Though the first two are definitely things I expected, the last one catches me off guard slightly. Just what are they suggesting? Are they suggesting that I’m only communicating with Marley because she’s still broken and vulnerable after the incident? That I’m just trying to get into her pants?
Cautiously, I scroll over the link and click on it, feeling my stomach drop from nerves.
It’s going to be really bad, I can just feel it. After doing this long enough, I suppose you start to get a sense for these things. You start to just know, like some sort of sick sixth sense.
‘You’ve heard it right here folks. Harry Styles seems to have found a new victim- er, we mean girl. That’s right, Marley Sorin, the victim in a New Year’s robbery and murder scheme has been spotted with the curly haired band member!
Harry has an advantage of being quite the cheeky young lad. He’s dated the much older Caroline Flack, along with American sweetheart Taylor Swift. Both relationships didn’t end very well, nor did they get great fan support.
Marley was already victimized once, held at gunpoint with her (deceased) friend on New Year’s Eve. She’s already been through so much, the poor girl, and now Harry the charmer is going to come along and use her too?
Now picking up the vulnerable Marley, who would likely fall into anyone’s arms at this point, is it too much? What do you think? Do you think Harry has finally gone too far?’
I feel absolutely sick to my stomach.
They honestly think that I would do that? That I would victimize a girl who’s been through as much as Marley has and still use her anyways? Why does everyone see me in such a bad light, put me in positions that are so negative?
I’m still me; I still have a brain that I use. I’m really not one of the guys who lets their hormones and urges rule them, allow them to ravage girls for one night and be done with… Why?
Plus, since when has the press been so nice to Marley? Everything I read about Marley before was also negative, clearing saying under all the fancy wording that, yes, she killed her own friend. She was no better than a killer herself.
I guess they can only ruin one person at a time.
As I slam my laptop closed and sit back, closing my eyes, I feel almost disgusted with myself.
Obviously, I wouldn’t do anything like that. Obviously, I know I wouldn’t do anything like that. Yet, I nearly feel like I should hate myself, like they’re right.
That’s the thing about these papers, these media workers. They know how to really boost or lower self esteem in a person. I’ve always been firm in telling myself that I’m not that kind of person, never will be, but they manage to almost convince me…
If they can do that, what stops them from convincing the whole world?
Nothing, absolutely nothing, that’s what.
My hateful thoughts are interrupted when I hear the door suddenly open noisily, telling me someone’s come to visit, likely one of the boys.
“Harry?” A higher voice calls, but I don’t open my eyes.
I hear Louis come around the corner, stopping just by the end of the couch. “What are you doing?” He asks, sounding curious, maybe even confused.
“Just relaxing a bit,” I brush it off, just like always. “Tired is all.”
When I open my eyes, I see Louis standing there with a concerned smile,
a beanie on his head and a brown, paper bag in his arms
“Do you need something?”
He clears his throat uncomfortably, seeming to snap back from his slight daze. “I just came to… apologize,” he finally says, adjusting the bag in his grasp. “About the other day.”
I know he’s talking about the slight fight with the boys, more like the boys and me. I can’t find myself able to say it aloud though, so I only nod slowly, waiting for him to continue
“It wasn’t fair,” he finally continued on, looking more awkward and nervous than probably anyone had ever seen him before. “To you, or to Marley. I trust you, and I trust your judgment, therefore I should have trusted Marley,” he paused, seeming to think for a moment. “The other boys are sorry too, I know. They just figured that it would be better to leave you alone for a
bit. We all agree that we shouldn’t have been so selfish.”
After his spiel, I find myself smiling faintly, though deep under my skin I’m still upset. It’s nice to see him making an effort, trying at least, understand his error.
Louis is one of those people who have pretty thick skin. He doesn’t let much get to him, and isn’t easily offended, though because of that he’s not always very sensitive to other people and their feelings.
Knowing him as long as I have, I know how difficult it is for him to apologize for things, along with all that. He’s just one of those people that doesn’t like to admit to larger mistakes easily- which I understand, I mean, who does- so I appreciate the effort.
“What’ve you got there?” I question with a small nod, showing him acknowledgement of the apology.
Louis glances at the bag and smiles slightly. “A few drinks, sandwiches I picked up, and Love Actually because you’re an insufferable best mate and have a thing for chick flicks.”
I can’t help but grin at that. What can I say? I really like that movie, I can’t help it. What kind of player likes those?
At the thought of being a player, everything else comes rushing back at me from the article. My smile drops slightly and I just motion for Louis to put the DVD in and come on the couch with me.
“Something else wrong?” He asks, peering cautiously over at me as he kicks off his shoes and begins taking the DVD out of its case.
“No, nothing,” I say, though as I am, I can already see that Louis isn’t buying it.
Louis runs a hand through his hair before turning to face me, eyes narrowed dangerously. “How many times are you going to say that before you tell me the truth?”
I look up in surprise. I thought I had been doing a pretty good job of hiding my feelings lately. Apparently I was wrong.
“Wha-“ I begin to say before Louis cuts me off.
“What? You think I don’t notice, that the boys don’t? We saw how you were at the interview last week, how you’ve been distant, even before then,” he pops the case closed and moves over to sit beside me. “You may not believe it, but we all see Harry, we see you hurting.”
My head spins slightly. They’ve known for as long as it’s been going on and haven’t said anything? Why?
“We thought just giving you space would make it better in time,” he continues as if reading my thoughts. “But it’s obviously not, so talk to me. Please. I want to help you, but I can’t unless you say something.”
He’s seen all this time.
Before I know it, everything is spilling out of my mouth in one big rush. Everything I told Marley at Leatherbound, at her flat for dinner that night, over the phone, and more.
Once I start it’s a never-ending flow. A rush of how much hurt there is, so much pain all brought to me because I’m not brave enough. How I don’t have as thick a skin as him, as bright an attitude as Niall, as good a looks as Zayn, as kind of a personality as Liam…
“Harry,” Louis stops me after I say that. “Don’t compare yourself to us,” he frowns deeply, shaking his head. “We’re not you, okay? You’re your own person, and that’s someone wonderful and brilliant and amazing. We love you for you, and so many of the fans do too, there’s nothing to change. You’re only human.”
Only human.
The words echo in my mind, causing something to spark that makes me realize something.
He’s right. I’m only human.
I shouldn’t try to change myself for everyone else, want myself to even. I’m who I am and that’s not going to change. Like everyone else, I make mistakes; I just have half the world commenting on them.
I’m in the spotlight, therefore all those mistakes are on display, all those nasty assumptions and comments. That doesn’t mean they’re true though.
“You’re right Lou,” I say slowly, finding that after spilling it all to him and having him tell me what he did, I feel strangely better. “I shouldn’t do this to myself, let it get to me. I’m only me… only human.”
He smiles softly before breaking into a grin and happily picking up the remote. “Of course I am,” he says cheerfully, punching me lightly in the arm.
“Now let’s watch this sappy story for the hundredth time.”
“Thanks,” I tell him, genuinely meaning it. “This means a lot Louis, really."
“It’s only because I love you,” he answers, and though it appears that he’s referring to the movie, I know that he understand what I’m really trying to say and is accepting it.
It’s only me, another human on this world. It’s all I can ever be too, and now I realize.
All I have to do is help Marley see it too.
Notes
So how's that for nice? Louis has helped Harry open up, and helped him realize something very important! What a good mate. x) Anywho, sorry for the late update and all. There's just been a lot going on in my life that's pretty hectic, but hopefully I can catch up this week!
Thanks so much for reading, please don't forget to vote and/or comment! I love to hear what you guys think! Do you think Harry's going to be able to get the same message through to Marley? How do you think she's going to handle all this press coverage? Let me know! :)]
Marley is going to be doing public speaking in a chapter coming up soon!
@Chocolatestyles Xx
4/6/16