“I vowed then I would never lose him”

We all sat in silence around the table, everyone was too scared to speak to me and they had every reason to be, I either broke down or lashed out at them, I had no control of my actions any more it was like I had turned into two different people, the me who wept and sobbed and blamed everything on herself and then in an instant I would be full of rage and anger and I desire to get revenge, the problem was there was no one to get revenge on.
I had left the day after we came back from the hospital, being in the flat with Luke and all of my childish dreams that clung to every baby outfit i had purchased, every name list I had printed was just too much for me to bear, I would have rather plunged a knife straight into my heart than stay and be mentally tortured.

Even my mother didn’t know what to do with me, it was like they thought one word could send me off the rails, it probably could. A doctor came and examined me at mums request, he prescribed me tablets for sleeping and depression, as soon as he left I chucked them away, no amount of tablets could fix a broken heart.

The icing on the cake was when Calum turned up… hand in hand with Jade Kyle. They were both so full of apologies and requests to help me. Like I would have accepted their help in a million years, they disgusted me. Especially Calum how many times had he told me Jade was bad news? he didn’t seem to think so anymore parading around with her.
When I was alone, I wanted to be with people, when I was with people all I wanted to do was be away. The old Ashley would have reached out to Luke, as he did to her, he must have been going through so much, without his family to support him but the old Ashley had died, this version of me felt nothing and shouted at him to leave her alone, not caring how much her own pain was mirrored in his eyes.

I hated myself, I sat in front of the mirror. It was my fault, I had been careless, I could have stopped this happening and really I would have traded places with my child in the blink of an eye, being dead was no worse a fate than living your whole life thinking of the dead.
I let out a scream of frustration and chucked the first thing I could grab at the mirror, my phone. Glass shattered all around me and some of it lodged itself in my skin, like jewels. I felt no pain even as blood trickled down my forehead, maybe it would all be over now. I lay watching glass and scarlet blood mix together in a beautiful, chaotic mess.

I smiled as I watched the world blur into shocked voices and screams, thats the world I was leaving I thought to myself, who knows where I’ll end up?

Notes

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