“Why didn’t you tell me?” I say softly. Its 2am in the morning but who cares, Luke has just called me from the hospital, the hospital where his mother is living out the last few days of her life with cancer.“I know its sounds weird, but it was almost like by telling you it would seem more real, i wasn’t that I didn’t trust you or anything, I just thought it would be easier this way.”

“Oh Luke” I sigh sympathetically “I know exactly what you mean” And I do, denial was my main tactic in the past, just deny everything and it will al be okay.

After he hangs up I dont know how Im meant to sleep, all I can think about is how this loss will break him, his mother is his absolute rock, without her i dont know what he’ll do, what we’ll do. Anyone who has met Liz can’t help but love her, she’s that kind of a person, all the bad things that have happened in her life just make her more understanding, more likeable.

I wish I could be like that, use my sadness as strength. I end up using alot of concealer for under eye bags in the morning, I dont want the kids thinking a zombie is teaching them.

Luckily I have a quiet class first thing on a Tuesday morning, they just put their heads down and work while I try to concentrate on poetry, when my mind is somewhere else completely.

At break I collapse onto a chair in the staffroom, cradling a mug of coffee like its a baby. Mr Roberts, a nice, but slightly irritating guy in his twenties sits next to me, I wish he hadn’t I want to sit her in peace with just my thoughts for company, but obviously I can’t say that so instead I smile wanly “Hi Peter” I greet him, he smiles enthusiastically back at me, too enthusiastically, with him its sometimes like having a lost puppy follow you around.

“Hey Ashley” he replies “So I’ve been wanting to ask you for a while actually what luck that I ran into you!” he exclaims every sentence he speaks, being a drama teacher and all he knows how to over react. I groan in my head, please dont make him say what I think he’s going to say. He does, “Are you free this weekend by any chance so we can meet up?” God, he’s asking me out on a date.

My cheeks flush red “Oh, its really kind of you Peter but I..I have a boyfriend” I finish. He looks startled “Oh Ashley, Wow that must have sounded like..I meant go out for a coffee and talk about the seniors, their exams are coming up” My cheeks are burning so much right now with mortification, I have never really had any reason to look at his hand before but now I do I see a gold wedding band around his finger, me and my big mouth.

I am saved from utter humiliation by the bell signalling break is over, my coffee is cold and my pride is dented. “Another time” I blurt out and take off down the crowded corridor.

Notes

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