Only Ever You

2 years ago:

It was our first major fight, ever. I was sitting in our shared apartment surrounded by pictures, snapshots of memories of how my life used to be, there were some of Laurel, some of Grace. They encircled me like they were all alive, even though the two of them were quite the opposite.

Anika came through the door, smashing it against the wall, she was clearly in a bad mood but I hardly flinched at the loud bang. She came over to my corner of the room, where I was but also wasn’t sitting there. “Whats up?” she asked in a resigned tone, she crossed her legs and sat across from me. She had been doing this alot recently, acting like my problems where a burden that she was forced to carry, like our friendship was an inconvenience.

I tried to understand, I really did I was not the easiest person to talk to, let alone listen. Anika had put up with alot from me and I was so grateful for that, but I suppose I didn’t really show it. “Its alright” I said trying at a teary smile “Im fine, its just Ashton dropped off some things of mine Mum put together that I left when I came here and these pictures just brought it all back again, the accident, the fight and my guilt.” Anika tries to look interested, and miserably fails.

“What?” I demand, she raises her hands in a placatory gesture and then it seems like something in her just snaps “Ill tell you whats wrong Ashley I just about had the worst day I possibly could getting kicked off my childcare course and then I have to come back and deal with you moping about, and I’ll tell you what I am utterly sick of it, and living in your deceased best friends shadow!” she goes as far as shaking me “Sometimes I really dont understand you its like all you want to do is grieve your whole life not realising that there are plenty of people still alive in the world!”

Anika then promptly bursts into sobs. She just sits there and cries, mascara streaks running down her usually immaculate face, and its scary because Anika never cries, she is the strong one and I do not know what to do. So I switch into Anika mode thinking about what she would do her words still echoing in my head, I gently usher her to a chair, sit her down, make her the sweetest cup of tea and ordered her to not move until she had drank every last drop, and she did so without complaining, occasionally gulping.

When she had finished I turned to her “You were right Ani, Im going too far, I need to stop and focus on whats in front of me.” she tries to speak but I silence her “And I was selfish, I know expecting you to always be there for me when I never was for you, so from now on it will be different I promise, and just so you know, I never compare you to Laurel, theres nothing to compare she is the past, you are the present.” Words can heal, and I know those ones just did, smiles can heal to I realise as we smile at each other. Everything will be okay.

A day later:


“How do you feel today Laurel?” Sally asked me in her soothing voice. “Better I suppose” I replied. She looked down at the notes on her desk “Miss Irwin, I must say I am surprised from our recent conversations you do not seem at all suicidal to me, sad and sometimes misunderstood but definitely not suicidal.” Maybe because I’m not, but I’m not going to say that, definitely not. “I feel fine” I reply “I have no idea why Dr. Andrews referred me here the incident with the mirror was an accident, Im telling you the truth.” She nods like she believes me. Im sitting in her small room with its white walls behind an oak desk that has a placard on it reading “Sally Blessing Mental Health Consultant.” This is meant to be helping me get rid of any ‘suicidal thoughts’ which should be easy seeing as I have none.

“So what are your plans for the future?” she asks me, I take a split second to evaluate what I will say “I want to go back into teaching, when… I am fit to teach again” Again she nods “Very good Miss Irwin, well that ends todays session, I wish you luck but I see no reason to carry on these sessions, you seem perfectly sane of mind to me and ready to carry on with your life.”

I begin to stand “Just one more thing” she says “My sister happens to work at a college that are currently looking for an English teacher are you interested?” Im liking this woman more by the minute “Very” I say grinning at her. She shakes my hand as I leave I see a single picture on her wall, a picture of a much younger Sally Blessing holding a young boy with curly hair, they look alike but she doesn’t seem like the mother type, curiosity causes me to ask “Is that your son?” gesturing to the wall “Oh, no thats my nephew Austin” she says “Everyone says we look more alike than he and his mother do” she chuckles

“Goodbye Ashley, I would say I hope to see you here again, but in these circumstances I hope not.”

“Goodbye Sally” I call out.

Notes

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