Only Ever You

Melissa is in my room, I can tell its her because unlike everyone else she isn’t smothering me with kindness or keeping her distance. She stands just close enough to me that I feel okay and at a respectful distance. Melissa is the only one who really understands, she lost Grace. And it killed her just like its killing me now, bit by bit I am wearing away soon there will just be a pile of bones where a girl once was.

The hospital bed is stiff, I feel stiff with bandages wrapped around me. Melissa comes closer and gently touches my face “Ashley, why did you do it?” she says softly. I know what she wants to hear, what everyone wants to hear that it was an accident, just all an accident, that I couldn’t be so unstable that I would want to hurt myself. I look into Melissa’s sad eyes and I can’t keep up the pretence any longer because at that moment I had wanted physical pain, and pain was better than the pain in my mind.

“Oh, Melissa” I say my face crumbling “I’m so sorry” “So, so sorry, I did do it on purpose, I just felt so alone.” she carries on stroking my face “Oh, Ash you are never going to feel alone again, I promise you, Im not going to tell you that the pain will go away, because it won’t but there are so many people who love you, and thats what makes me get up everyday, love.” Love, love… the love I have for my mother, for my brother, for my unborn child, for Laurel, for Grace..and for Luke.

“Why are you so nice to me?” I sob out. Melissa looks shocked “Because I love you” she says in a tone as if I should have known already. “But why?” I ask “Look at me, I’m a wreck I dont know where my life is going” “Ashley Irwin you listen and you listen carefully you are a beautiful, kind and talented girl, who terrible things have happened to you, but instead of giving up you have carried on, you know what, you’re the bravest person I know.” Melissa kisses my cheek and then turns to leave saying “I’ll leave you to rest.”

But suddenly, I dont want to rest I feel like I have rested enough to last a lifetime. “Is Luke here?” I hear myself saying “Of course, he’s been here every single day” she replies. “Send him in please” I say. She glances at me like she’s going to speak but then just nods.
Luke walks in, he looks awful. His hair hangs limply and he looks like he hasn’t shaved in a week, but he still looks so gut wrenchingly handsome.

“Hey” I say “Hey” he replies, “You look awful” I say smiling trying to lighten the mood “You’ve looked better yourself” he replies grinning at me. Ok this is good, were joking now, this is very good. “So how are you?” we both ask at almost the same time. “Im good” I say “Well as good as I can be, but seeing you is already making me feel better.” “Thats so cheesy” he says smiling “Whats wrong with cheesy?” I quip.

He takes our carefree banter as an invitation to come right next to me. “Ashley, seriously how are you?” our light hearted conversation is gone “Upset, angry sad and about a million other things” I reply truthfully. “But also hopeful” I add as an after thought, he stares at me quizzically “All these tragedies, they knock me right down, but I always find a way to get back up again, but then I guess its not a way, its a person.”

He looks so comically confused that I giggle “God Luke do I have to spell it out?” He just blankly stares at me. “Jesus, its you!” I shout out. “Oh” he says, his cheeks reddening. “Why are you so surprised?” I ask “You’ve seen me at my very worst, and my very best, loved me when I didn’t even love myself, and your still standing beside me where so many have left me, I love you Luke.”

“I’m going to get my life back together, a life including you, I want to carry on teaching, I want to one day have a family with you, because you Luke Robert Hemmings are the one for me.” Luke looks like he’s about to cry, I punch him playfully “Dont you tear up on me mister that speech took a lot of thought.” He doesn’t say anything, he just tipped his head towards mine and kissed me.

I didn’t care that I looked like a mess
I didn’t care that I hadn’t brushed my teeth in ages
I didn’t care that I probably stank
I just didn’t care

Notes

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Just to tell you guys I have slightly changed my plans and now more than one of you will be in my story xx