YOU AND I

"Dear diary,
Today was ”
I totally didn’t know how to write on after that. My life was not particularly great to be written down every single moment of it. A few months ago, if you had said to me that I would be sitting all alone, staring into oblivion all on my own, I would have undoubtedly laughed at your face. Well, who knew that life could change overnight. I know it’s a cliche, but like all cliche, it’s the truth. Your life can change overnight, or even in a moment. So, as I usually did, I tucked my journal away in my safeplace, which was only under my mattress. And I lied on my bed. Sleep hadn’t always come to me easily and I usually had had to tire myself out before hitting the sack. But nowadays, that’s not the case at all. I just had to close my eyes, and before you knew it, I would be very well asleep-which was not a bad thing at all, I guess. And so, I fell into a deep, dreamless slumber.

Now, all I had to do was wait for the sun to rise, so I could repeat the day all over again. Nothing ever had happened in my life since the ‘incident’-as my counselor would like to refer as. And I didn’t mind about it at all. To be honest, that’s the last thing I would want in my life-something happening and me having to respond to it which would probably mean that I had moved on or had forgotten all about the past of my life. Well newsflash, I didn’t want to move on and I was so not moving on. At least, not yet. I brought this upon myself and I wanted to face it. I wanted to dwell in it as long as I could as a punishment for myself and I very well deserved it.

I knew it hurt my parents to see me like this but I had no choice. I wouldn’t,no, I couldn’t move on. Not when I had this deep void inside of me that I couldn’t seem to get rid of. I didn’t even know how to move on. I mean like in our everyday life, it seems like somehow someone is moving on from something. Not to mention, even in books and movies. But apparently moving on is not as easy as it seems. Moving on requires you to come to terms with your past and letting it go.

Letting. It. Go. I couldn’t do that. I could never do that. Not to myself, not to… Not to him… Then that would just mean I was betraying him and myself, him more than me. And that would just kill me. It was all because of me. This could all had been avoided if only I had had not been so persistent and reckless… But there’s nothing I could do now other than just live with this guilt engulfing me every waking second of my life… Knowing that, I closed my eyes and let the darkness take over for at least a while as that had apparently seem to be the only peace I could find in myself.

Notes