THE DEATH OF YOU

A year ago

I hurry to the reception desk, pulling my suitcase after me, struggling not to fall over in my attempt to move swiftly.
"I was called about Harry Styles! Please! Is he OK? Where can I find him?" My voice comes out high pitched and frantic.
"The motor bicycle racer?" The girl questions eyeing me.
"Yes him quick please!" I cannot believe she is taking her good old time.
"And your name Miss?"
"Cassie Price- I'm on his contact list- you called me! I was about to get on a flight home," I explain annoyance noted in my voice.
"He's in surgery, the doctor will be with you shortly.. Is there anyone you'd like me to call?" Suddenly the girl realizes who I am.
"How long would he be in surgery? How severe is his injury? What happened?" My chin is wobbling trying hard to keep my sanity and my tears under control.
"The doctor will be able to answer all your questions honey, you can wait over there," she points at the waiting area.
I feel- I cannot even start to explain how I feel! I am frantic, and my nerves are frayed. I pull my suitcase after me and take a seat. He was always a reckless driver, but he was at the same time safe and knew what he was doing.. Why did this happen? And so far away from home. Suddenly it dawns on me. Anne and Gemma. They don't know.
I fish out my phone and seek out Anne's number.
"Cass?" She answers.
"Anne.. I'm so sorry.. I.." I start to cry then. Lost. Not knowing what to say.
"Cassie? Sweety.. What is it? Are you all right? Is Harry alright?" She pushes, worry is sound in her voice.
"There was an accident on the race track.. He is in surgery.. They called.. They called me as I was.. You must come.. The doctor.. No one is. T-talking to me," I sob.
"Oh god.. Gemma! Book two tickets now! Cassie love please find a doctor and call me back, he'll be OK darling.. Harry is a fighter," she assures me, or at least tries to while she tries to keep her panic at bay.
"OK.. I will.. Come fast Anne," I beg her.
"I'm on my way," she promises.
"Anne.. Call Ed he will be able to get you here faster," I suddenly remember.
"Right.. I will.. Find a doctor sweetie."
I shoot up and run back to the girl behind the desk.
"You get me the doctor straight away! His mum and sister are on their way from England and his mum would like to know what is happening," I ramble.
"He will be with you shortly-"
"That is not good enough! I want him here now! I want an explanation of what is going on! I want someone to address this!! You will not keep me waiting like this!" I am yelling now, tears running down my face, people are staring but I don't care. I want someone to give me a debriefing on Harry's state of health.
"Excuse me? What seems to be the matter?" A nurse hearing my yelling rushes over.
"My boyfriend- he's in surgery and we are away from home and no one will give me the time of day and tell me how he is and I'm tired and scared and.. And.." I am full on hysterical now.
The nurse wraps an arm around my shoulders and starts leading me away while telling the girl at the desk to page a doctor.
"Please sugar.. Calm down, let me get you some tea, and I'll get the doctor for you straight away," she promises softly.
She takes me to a kitchen and makes me a cup of tea. Then she walks me back out and leads me to a smaller waiting room on the side. A doctor comes in shortly after and she waves him over.
"You must be Miss Price," he addresses me.
"I am! Please tell me he's going to be OK?!" I demand.
"He is still in surgery I'm afraid," he begins.
"Oh god," my voice breaks, not able to contain my sorrow.
"He has a bad head injury, and some broken ribs, his lung collapsed and his right leg is broken in 3 places, but for his sake it wasn't crushed. One dislocated shoulder, but his other organs are whole and unharmed."
"Oh my god.. Oh my god.. Head injury? What does that mean?"
"We don't know yet.. We need to wait and see.. It was a bad accident," the doctor explains.
The only thing I can hear is head injury. Nan had that and she is dead now. Harry cannot die.
"Can you please talk to his mum? She is getting on a plane over here now and she needs to know what is going on?" My voice is shaky as I reach out my hand to the doctor, offering my phone. I am crying and shaking, a real hot mess.
"Here, why don't I help you?" The nurse questions, taking the phone from me.
"Her name is Anne.. She's on her way," I sob.
The nurse plays with my phone before handing it to the doctor.
"Let me give you something to calm you down," the doctor looks me over.
"I- I can't.. I am not allowed.. I am not trusted with pills," I choke on a sob.
"Lisa, help her please.. Find her something natural, call her parents, someone?" The doctor says before leaving the room with my phone to his ear.
"Who can I call for you darling? Mom?" The nurse asks softly.
"There is no on.. Only Harry.." A sob escapes my lips as she reminds me of this fact in my life. Oh god. There is only Harry! Please make him be alright. I cannot lose him too. Life cannot be that unfair to one person.
"Oh sweetheart," the nurse feeling bad for me pulls me into her arms holding me close and trying her hardest to comfort me. It doesn't really help, though my sobbing stops, and I'm only left with silent tears.
The doctor is back with my phone.
"You kept getting calls while I was speaking to Anne," he notes, holding it out for me. Sure enough, it starts to ring. Eleanor.
"El?" I answer my voice breaking once more.
"Oh love.. It is true? Is he hurt?" I can tell she is trying to hold herself together.
"Oh El.. I'm so scared," I cry.
"Sweetie! I know.. we all are.. Anne and Gem are on their way with Ed, he was able to get them flights straight away.. They should be with you in a few hours.. How are you holding up?" She is crying now as well not able to keep her tears from me.
"He's still in surgery and no one can tell me anything.. And it's so different from home.. And I wish you were here.. I can't do this on my own," I am shattered with grief and fear for Harry's well being I don't know how to contain it all.
"There is no one you can call? What about his manager? Someone from the tracks? You must have someone who can wait with you," she is in thinking mode, taking hold of her emotions and putting her brain to use.
"No! I don't know them well enough.. And I can't even stand to look at them! Not after what happened," I shake my head as if she could see.
"What did happen?" She questions.
"I'm not really sure.. I wasn't there," I exhale.
"What do you mean?" She is confused now.
"I wasn't at the tracks.. I was at the airport on my way to catch a flight home," I whisper.
"Pardon? Did I hear correctly?"
"I was coming home for a short visit.. And Harry had a motorbike race which he refused to miss," I explain.
"A motorbike race? As in to watch the race?"
"No.. As if it be part of it.. We were fighting because of it.. I wanted him to turn it down and stay with the cars but he refused to listen.. I wanted him to come with me.. I got him a ticket.. But he.. He wouldn't listen," my voice is breaking so I stop.
"That idiot! I hope he comes out of this so I can kill him!" She exclaims angrily.
"You and me both," I agree.
"How is it then that no one from the tracks is there with you?" El ponders.
"I don't know and frankly I don't care!"
"Fair enough.. Look Cass.. He'll be alright.. You know he will.. I mean it's Harry.. Nothing happens to him.. He's too tough for these things," she tries to comfort us both.
The doctor is back peeking into the room.
"El I must go.. The doctor is back," I inform her.
"OK keep me posted Cass," she makes me promise before I end the call.
"Is he OK? Is he out?" I hurry to the doctor.
"He's out, I understand you have the permission to sit with him so I can take you to him if you'd like," he offers.
"Yes! Please! Right away.. Is he alright? Is he up?" Question washes after question.
"Cassie.. He has tremendous amount of trauma to his brain.. He will be out for a few good hours.. We are keeping him under at least until the swelling goes down," he explains.
"But he will wake up right?" I stop and hold on to the doctor's arm with both my hands.
"I cannot tell for sure, but I do hope he will make full recovery," he tries his best to keep my hope up.
"You need to be sure! Please don't tell me lies.. My heart can't take any more deaths," I break, letting tears slid down the drying trails of the tears beforehand.
"I won't make you promises or give you false hope my dear.. He didn't have his helmet on and for most people that is a sure death, But he was lucky.. And he is young and strong and I have hopes for him," he assures me. I gasp at the new knowledge of Harry riding without his helmet. He pushes open a door. Inside on a bed wrapped up in bandages is my Harry. I almost don't recognize the purple and blue face, but those lips.. That nose.. I would know them anywhere.
I step closer, leaving my case at the door.
"Oh Harry..." My tears fall faster now as I stand by his bed leaning over his broken body.
"Is he in pain?" I ask the doctor who is left to watch me at the door.
"No, he's not," He promises.
"Harry.. I'm here.. I didn't go home.. I'm here with you," I whisper. I slip my fingers under his palm, scared to close them over his, scared to hurt him.
"I'll leave you for now.. Soon a nurse will be back to check on his vitals."
"Harry.." I whisper to him again. I let my fingers trace his cheek softly making sure not to press so I don't hurt him.
"You'll be alright.. You'll make it.. I know you will.. We have so much more to do with each other, so much more places to visit and people to see.. We still need to have our family and grow old together.. Remember that.. You promised me.. And you keep your promises," my voice shakes so I stop. He keeps his promises until today.. He didn't have his helmet.
What a stupid, stupid thing to do.
I wipe my eyes and make myself a promise. If he wakes up I will never let him race again. He is done with it. I will not lose him to the races. He will grow old with me and we will have our happy ever after. He will honour me with at least that after all the grief we both were put through.

Notes

So I was away snowboarding this week.. Tried my best to update even though for you guys.. so hope you like it xx