Tell me if you love me

Ashleys POV:

I was meant to break up with him, I think as we reach the loud Christmas Eve Party. But its not that simple, how do you break up with someone you are engaged to and still have feelings for? I know I’m terrible I want Luke and Calum, but obviously I can’t have both. When did my life get so complicated? I think as I walk hand in hand with Calum to the party.
Every time I look at him he smiles and my resolve to break up with him fades. I just can’t do it, above all I don’t want to lose him as a friend, which will obviously happen if I dump him for Luke. At times like this I wish to God Laurel was still alive, I could tell Anika my problems but it not the same I feel like she would judge me way more than Laurel who had told me all her secrets would.

I already vowed I would not touch a drop of alcohol, me and alcohol are a terrible combination every time I have drank some at a party the consequences have never been good. “So I was thinking, shouldn’t we think about setting a date for our wedding?” Calum startles me by speaking “Oh, yeah I suppose” I reply. I must sound unenthusiastic because Calum looks at me “You’re still sure?” he says to me and I nod.

“Dance with me” I order and pull him onto the dance floor, we dance madly until the song ends “Ashley, I love you” he says with such sincerity I want to weep. I look at him, Calum my best friend, the guy who saw me at my worst but chose to see the best. Always second best to Luke always the guy girls used to get closer to Luke, including me, always there for me except when there was no way to be with me. I think of my Grace watching me from heaven and wonder what she would think of me playing with two guys hearts like this.
I lift my ring up so it glints in the rainbow lights “Calum I love you too, I want to marry you, I want to have a life with you.” He doesn’t say anything, he doesn’t need to he just hugs me tight to him. “Goodbye Luke” I whisper into the night.

2 years before:

Anika had just left after I had promised her I was okay, even though I wasn’t. I thought I would never be okay again I was scrolling through my phone, it was the same one I had the year Laurel had died I refused to get a new one it would feel like I was replacing her, all the old messages we had sent each other were still on the phone, it sometimes felt like if I just tried hard enough I could summon her back to me and she would send me her usual happy messages

Laurel only pretended to be happy for my sake, she was always the strong one even with the weight of the world on her shoulders with her abusive stepfather and mother who couldn’t care less she still did whatever she could to make everyone else smile, it was only those lucky enough to know her best who could see the sadness in her eyes.

I hated myself, blamed myself. Why hadn’t I said anything, tried to do more to help her, told someone. I can’t say its just because she had begged me not to, I really can’t but I would give anything to turn back the clock and make things right. “Im coming over” says the text on my phone and I smile when I see its from Calum.

Notes

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