Tell me if you love me

I kneel in front of the gravestone and place a bouquet of Lily’s in front of it, behind me I hear Melissa choking out a sob, as if she has just been told all over again that her daughter couldn’t be saved. My tears drop onto the hard stone, I silently grieve for my niece, after all this time I thought maybe I could be strong today on the anniversary of her death, it turns out I can’t. “I love you Gracie” I whisper, and try to picture her smiling face looking up at me.Anika is here, but she is keeping a respectful distance away from our family, I wish she was standing next to me comforting me, but I think the rest of the family just want it to be us. Ashton stands near Melissa looking helpless, not knowing how to comfort her without touching her I can tell the separation is killing him, I have never seen him go so long without smiling. I know its bad of me but I resent the fact that Calum is not here with me, he had to go for a job interview, but I can’t help feeling that being here to support me was way more important.

My mother silently watches on and I know she is hurting, she has always been the fixer of our family, even when dad left her she still put our feelings before hers. She cannot bear not being able to stick the broken pieces of what was once our family back together.
Someone comes up behind me and lays a single daisy onto Grace’s gravestone, I turn to see who it is and my breath catches as my eyes meet crystal blue ones, Luke. He came, he came, so does he still care?

We stand like strangers, until I find myself in his arms and I feel safe. He strokes my hair as I sob into his chest, I gasp and shudder as sobs shake my body, I cling onto him as he whispers comforting things in my ear. For a second it is as if the past few years havent happened and we are back together again, stronger than ever before. “Luke, can you take her inside please I think its too hard for her out here” says my mum as she squeezes my shoulder, I dont protest as he leads me into the church.
We sit on the pews and my sobs have almost stopped, I give him a teary smile “You came, thank you” he smiles back at me “How could I leave you to face this alone?” as he says that and looks at me with such concern and affection, I can’t help myself I lean forward and kiss him, he kisses me back and it feels so right, I havent felt this wanted in a long time, not with Calum, not with anyone.

“Oh God Calum!” I hear myself saying as I roughly pushed him away. He’s not smiling anymore, his mouth curls up in distaste as he spits out “Oh yes your fiancee, my dearest friend Calum” his voice is edged with sarcasm. God, what the hell am I doing! I love Calum, dont I? What am I even thinking of course I do for gods sake I’m gonna marry him! “You know Ashley, you may be engaged to Calum but you dont love him, not like you love me, so just stop pretending to yourself and everyone else.”

“Im not pretending” I whisper. He laughs mockingly “Right thats why your’e sitting here and you just kissed me? You know its true, so stop running away from me.”
But right now I dont know what I want or who I am so do just what he said I always do, I blurt out “Sorry, this was a mistake” and run as fast as I can out of the church.

Notes

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