A Girl Named Bug

I continue to tend to the remaining customers, my focus everywhere. It was almost impossible to keep myself from day dreaming, something that I do daily; only tonight it seemed to be worse. I fight myself as I continue to serve the customers, more cheerful than usual. I never thought I could be this cheery, kinda made myself sick. No one here would ever believe that I spent a majority of my time alone with my two cats, Kibbles and Boo-Boo.

I had a small number of friends, but for the most part I had become accustom to being antisocial. Nobody would know it though. When dealing with others, I would hide the broken girl behind all this disgustingly sweet cheerfulness. Although tonight I actually feel happy, a feeling that I had forgotten was even a part of existence.

I know it is silly, but I hold hope that someone could actually be interested in me. My head spinning with all the previous events playing in my mind. It has been a very long time since anyone has given me any sort of genuine attention. It felt nice, but at the same time strange. I didn't know what to make of it.

I knew my behavior was awkward, but my self esteem had been lost long ago. I had no idea how to act around people, much less two beautiful boys. I only really knew how to interact with others on a professional level. Any other type of interaction I avoided at all costs. Even though I knew this about myself, I always hoped someone would come around and help me change my perspective on things.

I look at the clock, it reads 9:50pm, so I decide to walk outside and wait for Angel. I patiently waited until she came into view down the road. Every night we walk home together, our apartments are positioned across each other in our building. We walk down the sidewalk, the light posts illuminating the road through the leaves on the trees.

I remain rather quiet, which is highly unusual. On any normal day I would talk about my day, complaining about rude customers. Today I remain silent, she notices. "How was your day?" She questions me, curiosity in her eyes. "Good." I simply respond, returning to the silence.
I didn't want to tell her about my interaction with the two beautiful boys, I wanted to keep it to myself. I wanted something of my own, I did not want to share. I smile as I run my hand over the napkin I had tucked safely in my pocket. My mind continued to flutter as we walk in silence.

So many questions circling around in my head. My mind too occupied to realize we have reached the doors to our apartment. "Everything okay?" Angel's voice interrupts my thoughts. Her concerned eyes set on me, as my eyes meet her gaze. "Yeah, everything is good." I smile at her reassuringly. "See you in the morning then." She shrugs not convinced of my response. As she unlocks her door and steps in. I remain outside in the cool air, examining the night sky.
Finally I decide to enter into the warmth of my apartment, unlocking my door and stepping in, I am greeted by my two cats, both trying to gain my attention. "Hello." I greet them very cheerful, talking to them as if they are going to speak back to me. I guess in a way they do, I just don't understand.

I walk to the bathroom cleaning my face. After I do so I decide to climb into my queen sized bed, opening my laptop attempting to watch an episode of the Carrie Dairies on Netflix; as if I can only watch one. Before I realize it, I have already watched three episodes. My eyes grow tired as I pull the comforter over my body. One cat positioned at my head, the other at my feet. Exhaustion finally setting in, as my eyes close and I am engulfed into darkness.
Morning came as the sunlight leaked through the open blinds into my bedroom. I turn myself over burying my face into my pillow. I had no desire to get myself out of bed, but I knew I had to. My feet touched the cold floor as I hurried into the bathroom, quickly ridding myself of my clothing. I stepped under the warm water, allowing myself to fully wake. Once I am removed from my previously groggy state, I wash myself clean.

I dry myself fully, mentally preparing for the day ahead. I pin my hair back, the bottom half falling unto my shoulders. I examine myself in the mirror, maybe I should care more about how I choose to represent myself. I decide to take a little extra time applying my make-up. It still was not much, but more than I had desired to do in a long time. My clothing still hung loosely over my body. I never wear anything too tight, trying to hide my body shape behind baggy clothing.
After I was comfortable with my appearance, I walk into the living room. Angel sat on my sofa waiting for me to join her. Her eyes darted in my direction, taking in my appearance. "You look nice." She remarked at me, letting me know that she has noticed my slight change in appearance. "Thank you." Was all I could get out, as I awkwardly collected my things. We walk together to Hardback, the coffee shop a couple of blocks from our apartments. Together we share the morning shift.

The morning was busy as usual, customers coming in and out; many of the male population flirting with Angel as usual. I playfully roll my eyes at her. She is very beautiful, thin frame, long dark hair, and a flawless complection. I have always been a little jealous, with my shorter curvier stature, along with my flawed complection, and plenty of scars filling the canvas of my body. Despite all my insecurities and jealousy, I love her. We have after all been friends since middle school. She had always been there for me when I needed her, it just kinda sucks being the ugly friend. I guess that is why I have gotten used to the invisibility. As much as she has tried to make me feel like I belong, when we are around other people I feel invisible. I have always known that I do not belong. I heard the questions, from others. "Why does she hang out with her?" "That girl is lame." I ignored it most of the time. I only ever got attention when one of the guys would talk to me for a while, only later to ask me for her number. I stopped getting my hopes up long ago, I guess that is why I stopped caring about my appearance; it didn't seem to matter anyway.

I was taken away from my thoughts. "Bug, where did you go?" Angel playfully nudges my shoulder in reference to my blank state of mind, while standing at the register. "Sorry." I laughed. Her face changed to concern. "You sure you are okay?" She asks, trying to re-initiate the lack of conversation from last night. "Fine." I smile.

My attention shifts to the young male in front of me at the counter. "What can I get you?" I smile at him. He looks past me at the menu over my head. Finally deciding, his eyes meet mine as a child like smile takes expression on his face. His face beaming with excitement as he orders.
He pays and I ask him for his name, marker in hand. "Liam." He smiles at me as I scribble his name unto the cup. He watches me intently, the small smile never leaving his lips. Slowly he walks away from the counter allowing me to tend to the growing line behind him. I smile, and a laugh escapes my lips as he clumsily moves past the people; his eyes meeting mine as his cheeks redden. Angel notices our back and forth glances. Playfully she nudges me for the second time today. I smile in response.

After a few minutes had passed, I held the cup with Liam's name written upon it. I glance around the room trying to spot him, with no luck I yell his name into the crowded room. Before I can blink, Liam is once again standing in front of me at the counter. "You know, it's not fair." He paused. "You know my name, but I don't know yours." He raises his eyebrow at me, while reaching for his drink. "Bug." I simply respond, my vision darting in any direction but his. He chuckles at my response. "Well see you around Bug." He smiles, while following my eyes in an attempt to make me focus on him. Eventually I surrender, giving him a small smile; my cheeks burning red. "Bye." "Until next time." He corrects me as he makes his way out of the building.
The rest of the morning started to go slowly as the rush of customers once filling the building slowly disappear. Our shift came to an end, so we decide to grab lunch and hang out at the park. Anytime I needed to think, the park was the place I would go. I could sit in silence on the swings, and would feel happy as if I were a child with no cares.
We pick up a pizza and a couple of energy drink. Our walk to the park rather quiet, once again I was not in the mood to talk. I take my seat on the swing, drinking my energy drink while stuffing pizza into my mouth. I decide to play music from my ipod. I press play to hear D.I.N.O.S.A.U.R. by Kesha. We smile and sing along, as we swing back and forth. Although it was more like we are yelling along.

I love that I could be myself around Angel and not be afraid of what she thinks about me. With her I could act like a child and everything was still okay. Despite the joyful event of playing like a child, I still held onto my secret. No mater how much I want to tell her, I would not give away my secret. I could't bring myself to let her in on this, for fear of her once again stealing any attention I have ever gotten from the male population.
For the next fifteen minutes we continued to shove pizza down our mouths, while singing rather loudly. Despite all of my thoughts and insecurities, In this moment we both enjoyed being immature together.

My phone vibrated in my pocket, so I take it out, as I do Zander's name is displayed across the
screen. I open the message.

Zander: "Hey, What's up?"

Me: "Not much, hanging out with Angel at the park. You?"

Zander: "Lets hang out."

Absent minded I hold my phone in my hand, thoughts running wild. I have always had a thing for Zander, and for a while I thought he had liked me to; but that proved to go nowhere. He used to show interest in me, until Angel started hanging out with us. As usual when she was around I drifted into the background, as she was displayed as the beautiful center piece.
Zander and I still talk, but I knew he only used me to get to her. I knew this, and it bothered me, because for so long I have liked him. Zander was my first kiss, my first everything really; things which I now thought were big mistakes. I realized this all too late. Despite this feeling I still chose to stay friends with him. In my mind it was better than nothing, pathetic I know.
The thing that made all of this painful for me, was watching the two of them flirt with each other. Even if she knew how much I had liked him, she still managed to flirt with him. As usual though, I chose to pretend that I don't care; even if it killed me inside. I always did my best to put everyone else before me, I hid how I really feel from everyone. Refusing to let anyone else into the darkness that clouds my mind.

"Rachel!" My head shot up to find Angel's eyes set on me. "Yes?" I respond, as if nothing is going on in my over active brain. "You sure everything is okay with you? You haven't been acting normal since last night." The look in her eyes a mixture of confusion and concern. "Everything is great." I say as cheerful as possible, with the largest smile plastered across my face. I know she knows I am lying, but I don't really care. Once again my phone buzzed in my hand.

Zander: "Bug?"

Zander: "Lets hang out."

Me: "I can't."

Zander: "Why not?" :(

Me: "I got work in a bit."

Zander: "Ask Angel if she wants to hang out then." =)

Me: "Ask her yourself."

My eyes instantly rolling as I hit send. Before I have time to think, I hear Angel's phone buzzing in her pocket, great I think to myself. A joyful smile grows on her face as she reads the message. "Zander want's to hang out." She states, unaware that I already knew. "That's cool." My tone very uninterested. "I have to go." She looks at me confused. "I picked up an extra shift at the restaurant today." I inform her. She nods in response. We walk back to the apartments, once again in awkward silence.

As we near our apartment, I see Zander already standing outside Angel's door; a smirk forming on his lips as we approach. He greets her with a hug. "Hey." He says in response to my presence. "Hey." I respond, as I unlock my door and quickly slide behind it. A smile grows on my face as my cats greet me. "Hello." My tone jolly, despite the emotions going on in the back
of my head.

******************************
Once again I find myself at the restaurant tending to customers. I am here, but my mind is far away. No matter how hard I try to focus, all these events replay in my head; followed by an annoying urge to burst into tears. Thankfully though, I am able to control this urge. What is wrong with me? I think to myself. Why do I care so much? It's actually really fucking annoying. I am overwhelmed with the feelings of sadness and annoyance in myself all at the same time.

"Fuck this." was the only thought that finally took over my mind. My eyes shot up at the sound of familiar laughter coming from behind me. "Everything okay Bug?" Niall's eyes meeting mine, as concern floods over his face. My cheeks instantly turning red, "Did I say that out loud?" I question him. "Yes." He chuckles in amusement. Damn was all I could think.

"It will be." I say responding to his initial question. I smile as a crowd of people make their way into the restaurant, gathering behind Niall. Among the group I see Harry, surprise taking over as I also see the boy from the coffee shop this morning.

The two familiar faces greet me. Harry's strong arms embrace me into a calming hug. As he releases me, Harry and Niall's faces turn confused as Liam approaches me with a jolly smile. "I guess it is next time." He smirks. "It would appear so." I smile in response. Little did I know that in this moment, this group of people would forever change my life.

Notes

Sorry if the writing sounds weird I decided that I want to tell the story in the present tense so I had to edit and may have missed a few things. I will work on it while writing the next chapters(: I hope you guys enjoy <3