Fragile Hearts

I fidgeted in my seat, the excitement eating away at me as I waited for the café door to open. The tour was finally over and I could finally see her again. It felt like that was all I waited for. The long hours seemed to fuse together, the concerts became nothing more than a stepping stone and my calendar had never been more organised.

I’d counted down the days till this moment and I wasn’t going to mess it up. We’d got back in contact at the beginning of the tour, discussing everything from our hopes and ambitions, to how many pets we wanted when we settled down. We were just friends; really good friends but it wasn’t quite what I had in mind for us. I’d set an obvious goal and I was determined to prove my feelings for her. However, I knew she wouldn’t be open to this particular plan but I had determination and A LOT of it.

The bell chimed above the door, my eyes instantly lifting but it still wasn’t her. I checked my watch, noticing that she was now half an hour late. I couldn’t help but frown and begin to analyse her behaviour. I didn’t doubt for a second as to whether she’d have second thoughts on meeting up with me, I just knew. She’d become the sort of person that would rather text or email.

She’d do anything to avoid proper interaction. She was still being haunted by her past relationship and I couldn’t blame her for that; I didn’t blame her for it.

But what if she never shows up?

My own insecurities were beginning to make an appearance when movement outside drew my attention. She was standing outside, biting her lip and staring in bewilderment at some guy and his group of friends. I noticed how her hands gripped tightly onto the sleeves of her jumper, my frown deepening as I watched their interaction. It didn’t last long before I heard their ridiculous laughter and her running footsteps.

I wasn’t thinking (I never do) as I ran after her. I probably looked like a stalker, a kidnapper after their ultimate victim or maybe even a patient from some mental asylum, I don’t even want to think about how crazy I must have looked. The important thing is that I managed to catch her.

My hand found hers, pulling her into the alley across the street and shielding her from view. I frantically searched around for any waiting cameras but having found none, I gave her my full attention. She had tears flowing down her cheeks and she was visibly shaking. Her eyes never left the floor and I couldn’t quite believe it was the same girl I’d met all those years ago.

The spark had completely vanished from her eyes, she’d lost a fair amount of weight and she just seemed so damn introverted. It seemed like sleep was something completely foreign to her and the way she flattened herself against the wall to get away from me, just showed how alone she felt. She was defensive, scared and incredibly vulnerable. My heart broke just from watching her.

She shakily handed me a piece of newspaper that had previously been hidden from view and I knew it was something bad from the way her whole body started to violently shake. I couldn’t help but pull her close to me, hugging her tightly as I read the article.

Aiden: Just Aiden

After a ridiculously long absence from the music scene, heartthrob Aiden Grimshaw has decided to grace us all with his heavenly voice once more but expect a world of change. “It’s just Aiden now. Forget the surname, forget the X Factor goofball, forget the stupid guy I once was. This is serious, the real deal,” he told us when we finally managed to pin him down for a chat.

His new single “Forever yours” is released on Friday and the excitement of getting himself back out there has made him completely irresistible although there is some bad news girls. “I’m not ready for a relationship right now” (cue heartbreak) “I’m finally in a good place where I’ve managed to get my head screwed on but I’m not looking for love. I already found it.”

And with that mysterious comment, he was out the door and headed for his next interview. The idea of him already finding love but still being single, pegs one question: who is the lucky lady?

Aiden has been single since his split from Erin Holland (now 20) which was caused by an incessant amount of cheating allegations. He never publicly commented on what happened but I can’t help but think that he is referring to his childhood sweetheart. She was last spotted by paps outside her university, looking a tad worse for wear (as pictured below).

Aiden dated Erin for 4 years but was rarely seen with her in public, even back in the X Factor days. Was their relationship fake? Or did the show simply turn them against each other? All we do know is that he’s back and more determined than ever.As I came to the end of the article, I heard her sobbing. Her fingers clung desperately to my t-shirt in an attempt to cling to her remaining sanity. Aiden was such a monumental bell end.

I simply held her, letting her cry herself out and texting management to send a car to our location. This wasn’t how I’d pictured my day going but I certainly wasn’t going to leave her by herself. The car pulled up across the street, drawing a little too much attention for my liking and I poked my head around the corner, spotting the paps before they saw either of us.

Suddenly my hat was on her head and my sunglasses, my hands working of their own accord. She seemed puzzled but I gently placed my hands on either side of her face and spoke to her. “There’s no need to be worried. Just keep your head low no matter what and hold onto my hand.” She was biting her lip to pieces so I gently pressed a kiss against the back of her hands, still grasping them to my chest. “Nothing will happen to you, I promise.” She nodded simply and wiped away her tears before replacing the glasses. “I won’t let you go Erin.”

My words were filled with so much meaning and emotion, but I couldn’t stop to see whether it had all sunk in as it was time to move. Holding her hand tightly, I managed to get us across the road and into the waiting car without too much hassle. Pictures were obviously taken but she was beyond unrecognisable now (and that was before I’d attempted to hide her with my things). I couldn’t help but stare at her. Her hair was lifeless and she looked as broken on the outside as I knew she was on the inside. She met my stare and quietly handed me back my things. We drove in silence before we both realised that we had no idea where we were going.

“Should we go-“

“Can I just-“

We’d both started at the same time and I couldn’t help but smile. When I noticed that she was smiling too, my grin grew significantly.

“After you Erin.” She smiled when I used her name and bit her lip, trying to keep her happiness to herself. I loved her name. I loved everything about her after all but I wasn’t going to tell her that (talk about keen).

“Could I just go back to my flat please?” She gave her address to the driver after my nod of approval. I didn’t want the day to be over. No matter how badly it had gone, it was still better than watching her leave again. I couldn’t let her get away from me again.

The car came to an abrupt stop and I silently watched her grab her bag and step out the car. I continued to stare as she walked up to her block of flats and proceeded to drop her belongings everywhere.

I rushed out and bent down to help, placing everything back into her bag. Two books tumbled out: Pride and Prejudice and The BFG. Now this is an odd combination in any circumstance but I knew the significance of these books. She’d studied Pride and Prejudice and it had gone on to become her favourite book. She used to always talk about how incredible Jane Austen was and how she’d posed as a man in order to make a statement on the society of the time. Her eyes would light up as she spoke about her idol and my smile grew as I saw that the girl I knew was still in there; Erin was still in there.

As for The BFG, that happened to be my favourite childhood book. I’d told her about it when she was backstage at the X Factor all those years ago. That was when she told me that she’d never read anything by Roald Dahl, her parents always pushing her to read the most difficult stories such as: Moby Dick and Great Expectations. I bought her a copy shortly before Aiden left the show. From the battered appearance of the book, I could tell that it had been thumbed through quite often and when I opened the front page, my own handing writing gleamed back at me:

Still can’t believe you haven’t read this. Guess I can start off your collection  Just do me a favour and never watch the cartoon version, it’ll give you nightmares for weeks,
Love Niall xxxI quickly opened the door for her (once I’d located her keys) and placed the books back in her bag. I followed her inside and she led me over to a sleek black door. I handed her the bag and smiled knowingly at the floor again. She still hadn’t lost her love of classic colour combinations.

“I guess I’ll just be going then.” I said sheepishly, rubbing the back of my neck with my hand. I went to turn away from her but was startled when she reached out and clung to my hand.

“Please don’t go…” She bit her lip, her eyes staring at me with desperation. I sent a quick text to my driver alerting him of the change in plan and watched as she opened the door. The living room was a mess as was the kitchen. Take away boxes filled the room and I could see empty bottles of vodka resting on the dining room table.

This wasn’t Erin, not even close.

“It’s my flat mate,” she mumbled quickly, shutting the door behind us. “She’s at work right now but she doesn’t hang around with the best of people. I-“ “You don’t have to explain yourself to me Erin. You never did.” I wanted to keep saying her name now. To remind both of us that she was still there, that there was someone worth saving. A girl worth remembering.

I quickly walked over to the kitchen, grabbing a black bag and started to clear through all the rubbish. At first, she was shocked. I would have been in her shoes. I don’t clean and I’m a pretty bad cook too (not that it’s important but I thought I might as well mention it). I also don’t stick my nose into other people’s business but then again here I was, prying and trying to slot myself into this girl’s life. I don’t do anything easy me.

She quickly rushed around to help me, throwing things into the bags and placing the empty bottles in recycling. I was finished pretty quickly but I noticed she was ferociously scrubbing the kitchen and I once again started to smile to myself. Erin had always had a touch of OCD. She could keep it under control most of the time but every now and then, she would need to clean and tidy and it looked like I’d managed to shock her back into herself.

I sat on the sofa, patiently waiting for her to finish and deciding to absorb myself in whatever was on TV. I was too busy watching Embarrassing Bodies, to notice the slight dip in the couch as she took a seat next to me. However, as the screen went blank, I turned to her with a surprised expression.

“You didn’t have to do that.”

This caused me to frown. She thought I had some sort of motive, it was obvious. This stung more than it probably should because she thought I was capable of using people and because that was what she was now used to.

“Yes I did.” Her gaze fell back to the floor and I sighed in irritation. “Stop doing that.” She ignored me so I grabbed her hands and laced her fingers with mine. “Stop looking at the floor like you should be ashamed. You have nothing to be sorry for.” Her eyes filled with tears and I gently brushed them away with my fingers, keeping my left hand locked with hers as I did so.

“You’re too good for me.”

“No, you’re too good for Aiden.” She bit her lip once more, the tears stopping and I couldn’t control myself.

I’d watched her bite her lip all day and my mind couldn’t stop the visuals from popping into my head. I gently pulled her closer to me, watching her every move with my eyes as my hand caressed her cheek gently before following the outline of her jaw, angling her chin towards me. I smiled when her eyes fell to my lips and gently leaned forward, bringing our lips flush against each other.

I could tell she was hesitant and I was just about to pull away and apologise for being the biggest dick in existence, when her lips moved against mine. What started as the most innocent of kisses, quickly turned passionate as she pressed herself against me and I was quick to pull myself away when my brain finally noticed that she was now straddling me.

Her eyes fluttered open and I stared at her in shock. Her lips were slightly swollen, her cheeks flushed a fair shade of pink and her expression was one of simple happiness, although it was gradually turning into one of pure horror.

“I’m sorry- I urm-“

“You have nothing to apologise for.” I placed my hand on her cheek, staring intently into her eyes to ensure that she understood. But she wasn’t paying attention and Erin was gone again to be replaced by this hopeless and frantic girl who seemed to think that I was rejecting her.

“No I’m sorry. You didn’t want that. I’m stupid and I’ll just, urm, go-“

I cut her off by pressing my lips to hers, brushing my hands down her arms to reassure her that I wanted this. I wanted her. I wanted everything that was her. I heard her gasp, allowing my tongue to trace against hers gently before I gently pulled back. Kissing her nose and watching as her eyes remained closed, enjoying the feeling of being loved. I burrowed into her neck and waited for her to come to grips with what happened. I knew that she needed time to come back to reality but I was shocked when her mobile started ringing and stole Erin away from me.

She stumbled off my lap and ran to her bag, grabbing her phone and pressing it to her ear.

“Urm, hello?” She looked really confused and I could tell that she didn’t get many phone calls but the voice at the end of the line caused all thoughts to vanish from my mind completely.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Her gaze met mine and I rushed over to her, lacing our fingers together and pulling her closer to me. She had me, she just needed to let me in.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” she paused to look up at me and I gave a reassuring nod while playing with her hair with my free hand. I could see the tension lifting already and I couldn’t help but be pleased with myself that I could gain this sort of reaction from her.

“Bollocks.”

“Don’t talk to me like that.” I’d never heard an edge in her voice before but I knew this was old Erin like behaviour. She hated swearing, even if it was in the silliest of contexts.

“I’m sorry but my parents just told me. Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I don’t know-“

“Stop living in denial!” His raised voice made her jump slightly but I was quick to kiss her forehead and whisper sweet nothings into her ear. I listened as her heart beat returned to normal and her attention was back on the conversation. “Did you not think they’d tell me? Our parents are like best friends. Of course they were going to tell me about your stupid habits and your medication. You needed me, why didn’t you tell me.”

She gulped and looked up at me, clearly scared that I was going to run away and leave her. “I’m not going anywhere Erin, I promise.”

“I didn’t tell you because you’re the reason it all started again Aiden.”

There was silence and it felt a little awkward then. I didn’t like the idea of him talking to her at all but it seemed that this was helping her find her voice and that was what she truly deserved.

“So you became a nut job and are now blaming me.”

I’d grabbed the phone before she had a chance of backing down. “Aiden that is no way to talk to Erin. Who do you think you are?”

“Who is this? Who’s with my girl?”

“She’s not your girl Aiden. She never was. She’s her own fucking person!” I mouthed a sorry to Erin after I’d sworn and smiled when she grinned back at me. She was being strong and I liked it. I was bringing her back into the light already.

“She’s not. She’s clearly going to pot without me. Medication! I mean she has anti-depressants and stuff now, like what the fuck.”

I turned to look at her but she was suddenly running off and locking herself in the bathroom. I knew that she was priority, not this idiot on the phone.

“Look Aiden, you lost the best thing that ever happened to you so stop being a dickhead and learn how to treat girls. They aren’t objects! And you’re the one that left her so don’t you dare try and act like the victim!”

“….Horan?” I hung up, not wanting to hear his response once he’d confirmed it was indeed me.

My footsteps carried me over to the bathroom door and I knocked gently.

“Go away! I’m not insane, I swear! I just-“I could hear her harsh breathing from where I stood and I knew she was having a panic attack. I rushed over to her bag and fumbled around until I find two pill cases. I quickly scanned their contents. One was for regulating anxiety and the other contained the anti-depressants. They were both nearly full and I just knew she hadn’t been taking them.

I was back at the door in an instant but now her crying was the only sound I could make out. She was definitely moving around in there though I couldn’t be sure as to what she was doing.

“Please just let me in. You’re not insane, I know that. Just let me in. Let me help you.” I could hear a tap being run but no other sound could be heard. A few minutes passed by as I paced up and down before I finally heard her answer.

“You can’t help me.” It sounded so helpless that the cogs were already turning in my brain. I needed to get past this door. It didn’t seem too strong but barging my way past it was probably the worst idea in the world. My gaze fell on a discarded paper clip on the side and I didn’t hesitate before picking it up and placing it in the lock. I resounding click was heard and I barged my in.

The tap was running, water splashing over the edges and she sat in the bath, hugging her knees to her chest. Tears fell down her face and the arms of her jumper were rolled up, revealing scars. They covered the entire expanse of her arms and blood was dripping into the bath, a few of the scars having been opened up due to his words.

I set to work quickly, cleaning the wounds and getting her changed. I left her in her room as I tided the bathroom, being as quick as possible so I could return to her quickly. When I re-entered her room, she was wearing her leggings and another baggy jumper, her hair in a ponytail to keep it from her face. She had a glass of water on her bedside table and held her hands out expectantly for her pills. I handed them over without a second thought and watched as she took them.

“What now?” She was looking at me like I had all the answers and as I looked at her tear stained face, all I could think was that she deserved everything I could give her.

“We get through this, together.”

Notes

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