'Jessica, I love you. Not in the way you love me though. You love me like a girl loves their best friend. I love you like a guy wants to spend the rest of his life with you. Th-that's. That's why I was so upset when I thought you were dating Jack. I thought my chance to have you as mine was over and I lost it. I thought it would be better if I just pushed you away, and to forget about you, but truth is. I cant be without you. Ever. If I have to keep you as a friend after this, then so be it. But I just thought you should know that I've been feeling this way ever since year 8. I also just wanted to let you know that I'm shitting while telling you this, that's how scared I am.'

'I love you too Ashton. Your mine and I'm yours.' I smiled wrapping him in a warm embrace underneath the tree we sat under.

'You've never made me more happier.' He smiled at me, and that's when we kiss. The electricity was undeniable, just like last time I felt it.

Then suddenly he starts disappearing. My face turns down in a frown and the scenery starts changing into a dark rain cloud. 'I thought you loved me!' Ashton shouts at me.

'What? Ash I do-'

'Don't call me Ash. How could you just play with my heart like this?!'

'What are you talking about?' I shout over the rain.

'You told me you loved me, just to turn around and tell me that what we were feeling was just something in the moment! I love you so much it hurts Jessica and it's not fair that you can just waltz in a break me, and yet I'll still come running back to you!' Then he starts crying. 'I knew nobody cared about me. I knew that I never had a chance at true happiness.'

'Ash that's not true. Somebody will be out there to love you like you need to be loved. I love you Ash, but not like you want me to.' I crouch beside his now shaking body laying flat on the gravel.

'Save me now before it's too late, Jessie. Make up your mind before you lose me for good.' Then he starts coughing and we're laying on his bathroom floor in his house. 'I don't feel good, Jess.'

I look around the room and find an empty pill bottle laying next to his open hand. I turn back to him in horror as he starts foaming out the mouth. 'Ashton!' I cry out.

'You were too late.' He voice rings through my ears even though his body is now lifeless. 'I knew you didn't care.'

I shoot up and scream, sweat rolling down my face. "Jessica are you okay? What is it?" Travis bolts through my room.

Suddenly the walls I've built up to keep my emotions from becoming too strong, break down and it hits me like a waterfall. "He's gone, Travis! I was too late. I was too late. Too late!" I repeat myself over and over.

"What are you on about?"

"Travis!" I scream his name, feeling very angry all the sudden. Maybe it was at myself for not being able to save him. Maybe it was at him, for not believing that he could be happy, and that we all cared about him. Or maybe I was angry for not being able to confront my feelings that I've been feeling for a while now. "He's dead! Ashton is dead, and it's all my fault! Where have you been for the past month now?! Haven't you heard that Ashton is dead, laying in a hospital bed all because of me?!"

"Jessica, calm down. Your sounding like a crazy person. Ashton isn't dead, I don't know where your getting that from."

"The doctors are only giving him four weeks to live, Travis, and there's been no sign of improvement. I've done all I could too, to try and save him. I've talked to him everyday, and I've tried to get the guys to come and talk with him as well, but nothing that I've done has worked. So I don't know why he keeps blaming me for all of this."

"How is Ashton blaming you for all of this?" He asks with amusement in his voice.

I suddenly feel like a child explaining the monster in their closet to their parents. "He talks to me in my dreams. And it's all my fault."

"But it's not your fault. We still have three weeks. Maybe if you don't talk to him and let him rest, he'll get better. You know all that chatting from you is probably keeping him awake."
"Okay." I sigh, getting angrier and angrier by the minute. How could I be keeping him awake? Why would we want him to get rest? He need to wake up rather than sleep his life away- literally.

+++

I trudge my way into school on my own, ignoring all the stares from everyone. I spot the boys but don't make any effort to talk to them. I was too tired to fool with anyone as it is, so I scoot into my first class of the day, making sure to stay away from everyone. The boys have this class with me, but they've been sitting further up so they won't have to talk to me.

Michael glances at me, and Calum walks in with his head down, whist Luke glares at me before taking his seat. I sigh and put my head on the table, closing my eyes and blocking out what the teacher was saying. A loud bang sounds in my ear and makes my shoot straight up, much like last night.

Jack stares down at me, smirking. "Wakey wakey."

I groan and turn my body away from him. "Look I'm here you know. I haven't forgotten about you and I'd still give you another chance after everything you've done to me."

"What exactly have I done to you?"

"You let me down, Jess. Look your lover boy is no longer here anymore, so let me help you get your mind off of things, yeah?"

"Your foolish if you think I'm buying this. Ashton isn't gone yet, so stop saying he is." I say, feeling like a hypocrite seeing as how last night, I was screaming that he was gone.

"Accept it, babe. Everyone else has, and there going on without him. Death is an ugly thing about the world but it happens. It happens to everyone. But it's easier to over the ones that don't matter."

"Take that back." I hiss.

"Look at them." He points to the guys, snickering to one another. "Do they look effected by this disaster?" No. "They don't do they? They're getting on with there lives and leaving you behind because your letting a nobody hold you back. A nobody that isn't even alive anymore."

I raise my hand trying to not let Jack see me cry. "Yes Jessica." The teacher calls on me.
"May I use the restroom?" I ask, a tears falls. They guys are turned around and only Michael seems to be the one who cares.

"You may." She nods, sympathically.

**One Day Later**

We were all called to the hospital this Saturday morning. Surprisingly the boys had showed up. This was to be our last goodbye to Ashton because they were going to put in the ICU unit where they put people who don't have a chance anymore, but they still try to help until he dies. Lauren and Harry were here too.

"We really did love him." My mum speaks, holding onto Travis.

"He knows that." Anne Marie sniffs.
"He wouldn't be who he was if it wasn't for you four over there." She points to the guys and me. "Come here."

We all shuffle over to her embrace. I am smothered in a bear hug of sadness as I look over Anne Marie's shoulder at Ashton. The last time I'll ever be able to look at him. The chance I'll ever get to admit to myself how I feel. But as I'm standing here right now, I realize that admitting it to myself won't save him. It won't bring him back to life. "I loved him, Anne. I really did." I whisper to her, not being able to find a voice, but also feeling a weight lift from my shoulders.

That's when I see his eyes flutter.

Notes