whiplash

“I will not call Niall.”

That has become my mantra for the last three hours or so. Over and over again, I’ve repeated those words in a futile attempt to do exactly that, not call Niall. One voicemail shouldn’t sway me so easily, should it? I mean, he sounded honest and sincere. I can’t argue with the way his voice echoed through my chest when he said he missed me. I can still feel his words sitting there, weighted and heavy, pressing down on me. I pick up my phone and think about it once more.

I should call him.

No, I shouldn’t.

Well, I should but then again, that’s probably not a good idea.

My mind is at war with itself and no matter what I decide I am going to lose.

I feel like this is the moment where the main character in the movie starts to make a pros and cons list. I cock my head to the side, thinking about it. That’s not a bad idea. Maybe I’ll do that.

I pull out a piece of scrap paper and grab a pen from nearby, scrawling across the top the words pros and cons in big fat letters and for good measure I underline them too.

I tap the pen against my lip, thinking, trying to decide what to put down first, but all I can see is Niall’s face in front of me. Those blue eyes bright, his voice filling my ears, his laughter bouncing off the walls of my place like a ghost of the sound. I can feel his breath on my skin and it sends shivers down my spine. I let out a deep breath and put one thing under the pros column.

‘It’s Niall.’

Suddenly the image of him the last time I saw him swims into my vision. The look on his face when I told him to get out of my house and the complete lack of fight in his body language make me sigh. He didn’t want to fight for me then what’s the difference now. What’s changed? Can’t get a good piece of ass on the road? Fuck all. I scratch out two words under the cons column.

'It’s Niall.’

I look down at my paper and laugh. Well, that ended up being a short list and extremely inconclusive.

Everything in me wants to call him anyway. Forget the look on his face when he let me go.

Forget the sounds of his footsteps down the hall and how it felt when my heart broke for the last time. Forget all the pain and tears and red noses, the mountains of tissues and the sore puffy eyes. My hand is still itching to pick up my phone because my heart wants nothing more than the chance to beat faster when I hear his voice.

When it comes to Niall one thing is certain, my body will always betray me.

My only ally at this point is my brain, a staunch supportive of the 'Don’t call Niall’ camp, who is yelling at me to get my damn hand away from the phone because I’m not calling Niall.

“Fuck that guy,” it says, “Until he says he’s sorry and proves that he can be different then he gets nothing.”

I remember Lily’s offer of distraction and decide that that’s exactly what I need. I need to get out of this apartment and away from the thought of calling Niall. I need fast paced music, liquor and a warm body to move against. So I call her instead. Two rings and she picks up.

“'ello? Lily’s pool hall. We rack 'em. You crack 'em.”

I’m holding in my giggles. “Really, Lily? Really?”

“What? That’s funny! I can hear you trying not to laugh so don’t try and tell me it’s not funny!”

I sigh and give up, letting the laughter out.

“What if it had been someone important?” I ask, the giggles starting to slowly fade.

“Harper. This is the twenty first century. I have caller id. Your face literally pops up on my screen every time you call.”

I shrug to myself. “Solid point.”

I can hear walking through her flat as she starts to speak, “So what’s up, my love?”

“I don’t know.” I let out a long breath, thinking back to Niall’s voice and how I really just want to call him and talk to him. I shake my head, trying to sort myself out.

I hear her sigh through the phone. “It’s Niall, isn’t it?”

I lay back on the couch, looking more and more like a pitiful mess. “How did you know?”

“Honey, only one man makes you sound so sullen.”

I let out a sad chuckle. “I need to get out of this apartment. Can we go out tonight? Please?”

“Of course we can. What are friends for if not to get you drunk and parade hot guys in front of you? I’ll be over in fifteen.”

She hangs up and I drop my phone to my chest, not moving from the couch. When she walks in the door not ten minutes later I’m still in the same position. She walks up behind me and leans over, her hair dangling in my face, and the smell of her perfume dancing around me. She glances down at the same clothes I was wearing at brunch this morning and makes a disappointed noise in the back of her throat. Walking around the side of the couch and standing directly in front of me, she holds out her hand for me to take.

“Let’s go, cupcake. Time to change your clothes. I’m not taking you dancing dressed like a street creature.”

I begrudgingly take her hand and let her pull me from my spot on the couch. She drags me back to my bedroom where she pushes me to the bed and starts to immediately rummage through my closet. She pulls out a pair of black leather leggings, throwing them at me on the bed. I manage to get my hands up in time to catch them instead of being smacked right in the face by a rogue pant leg. Next she prances out holding a long sleeve, practically see through it is so thin, sweater. My face must have registered my distrust in this clothing choice because she shoves it at me, telling me to put on a cute black bra and get ready.

She pokes and prods me until I start to make my way to the bathroom. “Come on. If we are going out, you are going to look hot. We’ve got to get your mind off douche boy and what better way then leather pants and cute boys.”

I let out an exaggerate breath, but don’t argue. I head into the bathroom to change. After putting on the outfit, I have to admit that I do feel extremely hot right now. I smooth my hands down the soft legs of my tight fitting pants and suddenly the memory of Niall touching me rushes back. I swallow hard when I feel my core tighten and warm. Months of not feeling a thing for him and suddenly the thought of him touching me turns me on.

Jesus Christ, Harper, get it together.

I put on minimal makeup, mascara and lip gloss. Then I flip my head over giving it a shake as I run my finger through it. Looking into the mirror, I decide that I don’t look half bad and that this will do. When I open the door, Lily already has a pair of heels hanging from her fingertips for me.

“Put those on and let’s hit the road. Jamie is already on his way.”

She’s already at the front door, foot tapping, ready to go before I’d even got them on.

As I slip my feet in, I laugh, “Damn, Lily, you don’t mess around.”

She waves her hand at the door, she holds open. “When it comes to drinking and dancing, you’re damn straight I don’t.”

The club is packed when we get there, but knowing the guy at the door helps a ton. We walk right in with nothing more than a wink and a wave. Once inside, Lily and I navigate through one large group after another until we find Jamie on the other side of the room, hanging out at the bar. He’s already got three drinks in front of him when we flank him on either side.

He wraps his arms around us. “Oh! Two of my favorite ladies!”

The bartender cracks a smile when we laugh at him and Jamie looks up. “You guys haven’t met Daniel yet, have you?” He gestures to the tall brunette still smiling in front of us. “He’s an old college mate of mine.”

Daniel wipes down the counter in front of us and gives us each a nod. He’s really a nice looking lad and his smile is gorgeous, but it still doesn’t break through my cloudy Niall filled brain. Lily says hello and because I’m too busy thinking about a certain blonde I stay silent. That is until she jabs me with a finger to the side, bringing me back to reality. I give him my best smile and say hello. It must seem genuine because he grins at me and nods.

“I’ve heard all about you two.” Daniel says as he smirks in our direction. The same Irish accent as Jamie’s falling off his tongue. Damn. Why did he have to be Irish?

I raise my brows and glance between the two of them. “I’d only believe half of it. Unless he said I was by far the most amazing girl he knew because that’s true. Definitely true. So you should believe that.”

Daniel laughs and gives me another 100 watt smile. I am surprised by my flirtatious tone and it seems my friends are as well. Lily is looking at me wide eyed but smiling hugely. Jamie has a grin on his face that says he knows something I don’t and now I’m starting to feel suspicious.

Picking up my drink and taking a sip, I stall before changing the subject.

“Shall we go find a table?”

I’m three drinks and one shot into this night and I can tell already that I’m going to regret it. Every time I’ve gone up to the bar when it’s my turn for around there has been Daniel, standing there with his cute smile and hair that looks as if I should run my fingers through it. He’s cute and flirty and at first I thought that it didn’t seem like such a bad idea to flirt back. Now I have a pit in my stomach that flames up every time he glances over at me.

Lily leans into me, whispering, “Daniel keeps checking you out. Maybe you should get his number.”

I shrug and ignore how the thought of that makes me want to retch. I put on a smile and force a laugh that thankfully comes out sounding genuine. “Yeah, maybe I will. I could use a new distraction.”

Lily eyes me over the rim of her glass before setting it down and pulling me to my feet. “Come on. You’re thinking too much. Time to dance.”

Out on the floor, the music is loud and the bass fills my ears. I can feel it thumping in my chest as Lily and I move to the beat. It’s impossible to think out here and I’m grateful for it. I let the music take over and my mind turns blissfully blank.

It, sadly, doesn’t last long.

I feel hands snake around my waist and when I look down, they aren’t Lily’s. A pair of grubby manly hands are currently resting just below my navel. My gag reflex immediately kicks in.

I do not like that someone is touching me without my permission.

At all.

I shake off a shiver, stepping forward, pulling myself out of the grip of this unknown handsy man.
Turning around, I see a guy who is the opposite of my type grinning luridly at me. My face transforms into a sneer of disgust. This man has the audacity to touch me unbidden and I’m not having any of it. He takes a step towards me, causing me to hold my hand up, stopping him in his tracks.

“Come on baby. Let’s dance. Your body is amazing.” Creepiness dripping from this nameless man’s every word, he attempts a face that I’m assuming is supposed to be puppy dog-esque but all it does turn my stomach more.

One eyebrow arches up as I answer simply with a shake of my head. “No.”

I grab Lily’s wrist, pulling her towards the edge of the dance floor away from weird nameless guy. She glances around bewildered for a moment before spotting the shady fella and then follows me, her expression changing to one eerily similar to my own.

She leans into my shoulder to speak into my ear. “Was that guy hitting on you?”

“Ugh. Yes”

She starts to giggle. “Bit of a step down from pop star.”

I glare over at her then roll my eyes, yanking her towards the bar. “I need a fucking drink.”

Daniel is smirking as we walk up and lean heavily onto the wood of the bar. I don’t have time for this. I just need to be drunk so I can stop thinking. “Vodka soda, please.”

Daniel chuckles to himself as he starts to make the drink. “Bad taste in your mouth?”

I huff as Lily starts to laugh harder. “Everyone’s a fucking comedian today.”

I take my drink and stalk off towards where Jamie is sitting, feet tapping to the beat of the music. I sit down wearily next to him and take a sip of my drink. The vodka is smooth and the soda tangy with just a hint of lime. A perfect drink. I feel Jamie glance over at me and I know he can see my foul mood showing all over my face.

“You okay, Harper?”

I sigh and shrug my shoulders, ignoring the pit in my stomach. "Yeah. Sorta. I guess. It’s whatever.“

Jamie bumps his shoulder to mine. "It’s going to be okay, ya know?”

Taking another sip, I nod. It will be okay, eventually. But I thought I was already okay and now I feel like I’m right back to the beginning of all this nonsense. Halfway through my silence Jamie gets up and disappears into the crowd of sweaty but mostly pretty people. I down the rest of my drink and head to the bar for another. Back in my seat, I look out over the crowd. Why did I want to do this? Why did I think this was a good idea? Fucking hell, I knew this wouldn’t work. I actually thought I could drown out Niall with loud music and liquor. It doesn’t help that Lily keeps walking cute guys in front of me, waggling her brows, trying to get me to dance with them.

Every time I turn them down and send them away, she scowls. I know I’m letting her down, but I don’t want to dance. I don’t want to act happy. I don’t even want to talk to anyone. I just want to sit here and be sad and unhappy all by myself.

Pity party for one! Your table is now available.

I keep drinking, letting the vodka numb my mind some more. I’m not sure how long I’ve been sitting here, but Lily must’ve finally given up trying to get me to dance because the parade of men has stopped. Now I’m sitting here stirring my empty glass with my finger and making a list of all the reasons why Daniel wouldn’t be a good choice for a date. I don’t even remember how I got on this topic, but my list is quite extensive and even includes a bit about his parents. Why I think I know anything about his family is beyond me, but drunk Harper is a different sort of creature.

Drunk Harper enjoys talking about baby animal videos and judging people’s clothing choices out loud. She also likes to swear way more than regular Harper.

Yes, hard to believe, I know.

Drunk Harper is currently thinking about how much she misses Niall and how she wants to run her fingers through his hair. Regular Harper, who is just behind drunk Harper, is getting pissy about these thoughts and wishes she could change the damn subject.

Jamie walks over just in time to stop me from silently rhapsodizing about the color of his eyes and how they change depending on his mood.

“You okay there?” He asks, glancing down at my table with a concerned face.

I follow his eyeliner and to my surprise there are three empty glasses sitting there not including the one in my hand. When the fuck did I drink all of those? Fucking hell. I’m going to regret this decision.

I sit straighter in an attempt to appear less drunk and it only makes Jamie smile broadly.

He picks up a paper napkin laying there as Lily walks up to join us. He shows it to her with a somewhat cocky grin. “Looks like someone got Daniel’s number.”

Lily beams at me. “Oh good! He’s cute Harper!”

I’m belligerent in my drunken haze. “I did not. I didn’t ask for that.” Then remember him slipping it to me and my promise to call him. Drunk Harper is an idiot. She’s also severely stubborn. “He gave it to me. I’m not calling him, though.”

Jamie looks thoroughly confused for a moment. “Why the hell not? Daniel is a nice guy. He’s funny and smart. You’d like him.”

“Well, if he’s so fucking great why don’t you date him?”

See, stubborn. She’s also a brat.

Jamie rolls his eyes and lets out an exasperated huff. “Please tell me that Niall isn’t the reason you aren’t calling him. Please, dear god, tell me this isn’t about fucking Niall still.”

I still there quietly, soundlessly stewing, my jaw clenching and unclenching in frustration.

Jamie’s throws his hands up irritation with my lack of response. “Jesus fucking Christ, Harper!”

He starts to yell, his hands flying all over the place. I’ve honestly never seen Jamie this upset.

“How many fucking times does he have to treat you like shit before you realize you deserve better than that? I don’t understand!”

In my inebriated state, my emotions are running high. The part of me that can still think sober knows that Jamie is only upset because he’s my friend and he’s tired of seeing me hurt all the time, but the rest of me just wants to scream at him for making me want to cry. I don’t want to cry right now, but I just may if I don’t fight back. I don’t want to be mean and hateful to Jamie so I swallow back down the vicious word vomit threatening to spew out.

But Jamie isn’t done with his tirade. I’ve clearly crossed a line with him and he’s tired of this.

“If you want to be fucking treated like a perpetual one night stand, then by all means pine over the fucking twat. But Jesus, Harper, make a goddamn decision about it. Stop riding the fucking fence and feeling sorry for yourself. Self pity isn’t an attractive quality for you.”

Now I really am going to cry. The truth really fucking hurts when someone yells it at you. This is all too much and I can’t stop myself from what one about to say even though I know it to be a lie. But right now drunk Harper just wants to hurt Jamie’s feelings like he’s hurt mine.

In a tone that couldn’t sound more venomous, I spit back at him. “Fuck you Jamie! You’re just jealous that I didn’t pick you!”

Lily’s eyes go wide and the incensed look on Jamie’s face makes me wish I could rewind this moment and take it all back. I want to scream at him.

'I’m sorry!’

'I didn’t mean that!’

'I know that’s not true!’

Instead, I just silently watch him walk away through the crowd.

Once his figure disappears, Lily turns back to me with a sad expression. “Come on babe. Let’s get you home.”

With Lily’s arm wrapped around me, steering me towards the exit, I only stumble once or twice. We make our way to the car slowly and she sets me inside like a mother with a sick child. My stomach is churning with embarrassment and too much liquor. As Lily drives me home Jamie’s face keeps popping in front of my eyes. He was livid when he walked off. I know what I said was wrong and uncalled for. I feel atrocious about it, the guilt eating away at me.

Lily clears her throat next to me. “Ya know, Jamie is only trying to help. We are all only trying to help.”

I can feel her eyes on me so I slump further into my seat, leaning my forehead against the cool glass and closing my eyes. She stays silent for a few more minutes, but I know that she wants to say something else. Thankfully, she stays quiet the rest of the short ride back to my place. I sit up when she pulls to a stop on my curb and put my hand on the door handle.

“Harper…”

I make no move to get out, letting her speak her piece.

“You shouldn’t have said that to Jamie.”

Great, now a lecture from her too. I already know what I did was stupid. Just let me live with my stupidity all by myself. I perfectly capable of making berating myself, thank you very much.

“He only cares about you and he hates to see you hurting like this. We both do. Niall really did a number on you. But you’ve got to let it go. Move on. You can’t keep wallowing in this self pity filled abyss.”

I start to breath harder, my emotions starting to take over again, tears threatening to spill over.

This is not good. I can feel the word vomit coming. Mean spiteful words are about to come out.

I open the door and climb out of the car, turning back to where Lilt sits, watching me.

“You never liked him anyway. Why should I even listen to you?”

And just as she opens her mouth to respond, I slam the car door and walk away. I don’t look back as I make my way into my building. Regret begins to seep from my pores. I’ve officially alienated myself from my two best friends.

Go me.

As I walk into my cold, dark apartment, I feel like my world is a mess. Jamie is right. I need to make a decision. I can’t keep wasting my time thinking about Niall. I either want him or i don’t want him. And the fact that I can’t stop thinking about calling him even after all we’ve been through tells me that the first option is me.

I still want Niall.

My stomach rolls. Oh god. This isn’t good.

Please let what I’m about to do, have no bearing whatsoever on what I just concluded.

I put my hand to my mouth and race to the bathroom. It’s not word vomit coming up this time.

I spend the rest of the night hugging my toilet and sleeping for short periods of time on the cold tile floor.

Karma is a real bitch.

I wake up bleary eyed on Monday morning, thankful the weekend is over.

I spent all of Sunday either throwing up, feeling sorry for myself, or feeling sorry for myself while throwing up. I had the hangover to end all hangovers. I must have picked up my phone a thousand times to call Jamie but I was so ashamed of myself for how I had treated him I couldn’t bring myself to do it. Lily was somewhat easier. She actually called me mid morning and asked if I was hungover. When I told her yes, she’d only said, “Good. You deserve it.”

I apologized to her and she forgave me easily. I explained that I knew everything that she and Jamie had said that night was right and that I was an idiot for reacting how I did. I felt better after talking with her, but I still couldn’t bring myself to call Jamie so I left it for today.

I look slightly disheveled as I make my way into our office. My eyes immediately scan for Jamie but I don’t see him. Glancing at the clock, I realize it’s still early so I wait. I sit down at my desk and get to work on proofing a new manuscript that’s just come in. I look over at Jamie’s empty desk every few minutes, completely distracted from my work.

Where is he? I look at the clock again. He’s late.

I get up to go grab a mug and make some tea in the kitchen when I run into the resident office gossip. Ten pounds says she knows where Jamie is.

So I nonchalantly ask, “Have you seen Jamie 'round?”

“Oh! He’s sick! Called in this morning. Early.”

Well, that was easy. Told you she’d know.

I make my tea and stalk back to my desk. I guess I won’t be apologizing to him face to face then.

Work drags through the rest of the morning. Finally a little before lunch I decide just to text him.

“Hey…I know that you’re probably mad at me and you have every right to be. I was a complete ass. I’m really sorry I said any of those things to you. I knew they weren’t true the moment I said them. I suck. I’m sorry.”

I take a deep breath and set my phone back down, trying to concentrate on work again. A few minutes pass by and then my phone buzzes. I pick it up quickly, heart hammering with nerves.
“It’s okay. I know drunk Harper is an asshole. I forgave you the moment I woke up yesterday. I was just pissed at you that night because, well you know. I’m not going to bring it up again. All is well harps. I promise.”

My chest immediately unclenches and I feel a rush of relief. He’s not mad. Thank god.

I text him back quickly. “You really are a way better friend than I deserve. Are you really sick today?”

“I am. Deathly ill. Not fun at all.”

“Can I stop by tonight? I’ll bring you some soup…”

“Of course. Sounds lovely. Gonna take a nap now. I’ll call you later.”

I feel infinitely better now. Jamie isn’t mad. Neither is Lily. The only problem left to solve is Niall.
My stomach rumbles telling me it’s lunchtime.

I solve Niall after I eat. Heartache on an empty stomach isn’t good for your health.

I head over to a local patisserie to treat myself. It feels like a sweet, decadent baked goods kind of day. It’s drizzling outside and overcast also a little chilly. I’ve got my sweater wrapped tightly around me as I walk back into the office. I head towards my desk, a warm chocolate croissant resting in a plain brown paper bag, waiting for me to devour it, when I look up and stop dead in my tracks a few feet from my desk.

There is a large bouquet of purple and white flowers sitting on my desk. It’s beautiful. I mean, really, really gorgeous. I walk closer and I can see white orchids surrounded by purple and white calla lilies. There’s a small card poking from the top and I snatch it up, opening it quickly.

For some reason my heart is racing as I pull the card from its small envelope. Printed on the inside are two small words.

“I’m sorry.”

I smile softly at the card. I can’t believe that Jamie bought me flowers. How incredibly sweet is he? What a good guy. That new girl he’s interested in is extremely lucky to have him. I mean, so am I.

I sit down at my desk and stare at the flowers more as I pop the card into my bag. I think since he was so sweet I’ll be sweet too. I’ll stop by the store on the way home and make him soup from scratch. Nothing like homemade chicken noodle soup to heal the body and soul. I smile widely to myself.

Yes, that’s exactly what I’m going to do.

The store was beyond crowded and it took me forever to carve a path through everyone so I am a little late getting home. But that’s okay. I have plenty of time to make this and get over to Jamie’s. He’s been resting all day I’m sure he’ll appreciate the company. In fact, he should be calling me soon.

I’m standing at my door, my arms filled with bags, my phone in my hand, fumbling with my keys.
Just as I get the key in the lock, my phone rings. I switch hands quickly,answering it and pressing it between my cheek and shoulder.

“Hello?” I say still juggling my things as I try to get my door open.

“Hey, it’s me. Did you get the flowers?”

I pause for a moment as the voice penetrates my ears.

Jamie?

This isn’t Jamie. This doesn’t sound like Jamie. But the flowers. Those are from Jamie. Aren’t they? And then it hits me, just exactly who the voice is on the phone.

Oh my god.

Wait.

The flowers.

They’re from Niall?

I hear Niall ask me again. “Harper? Ya there? Did you get the flowers I sent you?”

That’s when my whole world went white.

Notes