whiplash

I sit there, staring at him as he gets dressed and wonder how in the hell did I let this happen? When had everything between us become such a back and forth, push and pull? I put my hand up to my neck and rub at a sore spot that, lately, I’ve been hoping has been just a figment of my imagination but it's looking less likely every day. It’s an ache that I’ve been having more and more recently. I sigh inwardly, dropping my hand defeatedly. Niall has become a literal pain in my neck and if he kept this indecisive thing up, I was going to get whiplash.

I don’t know why I’m suddenly surprised because this is how it always happens. After he spends an evening laughing with me, after I catch him looking at me with a smile on his face, after a night where he stares into my eyes as he buries himself inside me, just when I’m starting to think we were something, he pulls the rug right out from under me. I fall flat on my ass in a pile of heartache and disappointment. It’s like he gets scared. He tucks his tail between his legs and he runs. All those nights I thought he was going to stay, he did just the opposite. He got dressed, walked out of my bedroom and let himself out of the front door. Each and every time it broke a little bit of me. I was starting to feel the little cracks spreading throughout my body. I could feel them widening, growing with each closing of the door and soon I would start to bleed.

How did I let my heart get so attached to this man?

When I think back, it had all started out so easily, so carefree, and so much fun. It was only a few months ago when I’d had a chance meeting with him backstage at a show that wasn’t even his own. I saw him across the room and mentally did a double take and then had a tiny freak out because he was Niall Horan after all. Yet even with all the craziness happening in my brain, I somehow kept my composure on the outside. I looked cool and calm. I'd somehow managed to get free backstage passes and kept my excitement in check, I should be able to do it again. Even with my resolve, I couldn’t stop myself from glancing his direction every now and then. If you had been there you wouldn’t have blamed me either.

I am not going to lie and say that I am not a fan one direction. I most definitely was then and still am now. So seeing this man who I had looked at and lusted after in the not so distant past standing no more than 10 feet away from me made my heart want to pound out of my chest and my stomach do cartwheels.

5 months ago

I take a discreet deep breath and try to calm my nerves. My heart feels like I just ran a marathon with the way that it's racing. I make idle chit chat with the guitarist of the band I came to see, hoping it helps me compose myself a bit more. He’s a nice looking man too, full of smiles for me, but that still isn’t stopping me from letting my eyes casually wander over to where Niall is standing. If I'm being honest, it feels so strange seeing him here. It’s not that I don’t understand that Niall is an actual human being who exists in reality. Like I get that. I know he is a person just like you or me. He just doesn’t exist in my reality. I have only ever seen him on a stage, as a performer, someone who would always be out of reach. Never as a fan like this right now. But now, standing here with him across the room, the playing fields have been leveled and it's throwing me for a loop. Not to mention the fact that he looks ten times more attractive in real life than he ever has in pictures. I’m not even sure how that is even possible. All I can think is that a photograph could never capture the essence that literally hangs around him. His personality radiates from him, shining and glinting off every person and surface like sunlight on water. He can easily bring a smile to every face in the room. I’ve even noticed the women nearby lean in towards him like they have no control over it.

He is the gravitational pull in the room.
He is the sun and I am just a broken piece of star stuck in his orbit.

So far I haven’t been caught looking his way, but my luck runs out when I accidentally make eye contact with him. I’m looking over at him for the umpteenth time but this time, instead of taking a mental inventory of his profile, I am staring into the bluest eyes I have ever seen. My breath catches in my chest and I feel frozen by his gaze. I finally smile and I'm pretty sure blush because that’s the effect he is having on me. I’m sure he sees it too because he smirks at me with this perfect shit eating grin and I feel my insides melt.

This is it. I’m done for. I'm going to be killed by a smile.

And if you try and tell me that every time he does that grin it doesn’t make you a little weak in the knees, you are lying.
To me.
To yourself.
To everyone.

Just give it up already. That smile has a magical effect. I can feel the butterflies in my stomach tonight. I feel them swirling and swarming. Just then I see him take a step towards me, I think I am going to totally lose it.

Everything that has happened on this night has been left up to chance. It was only a fortuitous fluke that I even got backstage passes to this concert. It is total and complete luck that I am still talking to this guitarist too because Niall walks over to where I am standing and nods at the musician next to me.

“Hey, man! Great show tonight!” He grabs his hand and pats him on the back before leaning back and shoving his hands in his front pockets. My own breath seems to get trapped in my lungs as I watch him continue. “You killed it out there!”

I stand for a moment watching the two catch up and start to feel more and more like a third wheel. That feeling of awkwardness starts to overwhelm me so I decide to move away. I am actually starting to turn my body to make an unobtrusive getaway when Niall speaks to me.

“And who are you?” I turn back quickly, completely flustered and he nods his head in my direction as if I might not realize he's speaking to me. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you backstage before tonight. I’m pretty sure I’d remember a face like yours.”

The guitarist takes this as his cue to leave and quickly says goodbye to Niall, slapping his back as he walks away. As I watch this happen my brain goes into immediate overdrive and but my mouth, the joy that it is sometimes, stops working completely. But I am glad to know that my blood is pumping normally seeing as it chooses to fill my cheeks again, coloring them a pretty shade of pink. I know I'm blushing, not because I feel it, but because I when I look up I see Niall smirking again and that grin somehow knocks my tongue into motion.

“I’m Harper.” I stick my right hand out to him and he pulls his own out of his pocket, taking it. My hand disappears into his for a moment and I can feel the warmth of his body radiating through him into my palm. I try to remember it so I can recall it later on when I tell my best friend all about this.

He chuckles lightly and I let go of his hand, somewhat reluctantly. “Lovely to meet you, Harper. I’m Niall.”

Before I can stop myself, I spit out an awkward, “I know.” It makes Niall laugh but I want to crawl away and hide. I shake my head in apology. “I’m sorry. That was weird. And dumb. And just I don't know. Ignore me. I don’t even know what’s happening right now.” I take a deep breath trying to stop myself from continuing on but I utterly fail . “You’ll have to forgive me. I think I might be a bit star struck by you.” I am so fidgety that I can’t stop cracking my knuckles and messing with my fingernails. This is getting out of hand. “Seeing you in person that is. I mean I’ve seen you in concert before. Like a couple of times actually, if I’m being honest. Fantastic shows by the way. And it's not like I've never met a celebrity or anything before. I mean, I did run into Colin Firth once. Like literally, I ran right into him.” I chuckle and put my hand to the bridge of my nose. “I don’t know what I’m saying.” I’m standing here silently begging my mouth to stop but the words keep coming out. I am going to make a total fool of myself before the night has even started. “My brain doesn’t seem to want to work correctly right now. Turns out I’m a bigger fan of One Direction than I originally thought. I actually don’t have any clue what I’m doing right now. Like why am I still talking? Can you please tell me to stop? Maybe you could do something that would make this moment far less mortifying for me?” Niall’s face is strained from holding in his laughter. So I decide to give him permission to let it out. “You can laugh. It’s okay. I won’t be offended.” I smile at him and laugh at myself. “I realize I sound absolutely ridiculous right now.”

Niall lets out a loud barking laugh and it is like music to my ears. But then he does something that makes me completely melt on the spot. Still laughing, he takes a step towards me and wraps his arms around me, hugging me. Instinctively, I return his hug, my hands patting his back. I can feel the muscles in his shoulders move as he wraps himself around me. I take my chance while I have it and inhale the scent of him, something that I have always wanted to do. His cologne fills my nose and sinks into my pores. God, does he smells amazing. Strong and manly, but also with this tiny touch of sweetness. I want to bathe myself in it. I want to wash my sheets in it. I want to smell this every day. He moves slightly and pulls back just a bit and I jump but just barely when I hear his voice and feel his breath on my ear.

“You sound ridiculously adorable.”

At this moment I’m surprised my heart isn’t exploding on the spot. A nice looking man whom you have just made a fool of yourself in front of tells you you’re adorable, that’s cause for a meltdown. Or a celebration. One of the two. But I hold it together. I attempt to play it cool.

Attempt and somewhat succeed.

When he pulls back completely, I smile at him. “Thank you for thinking my word vomit is adorable. It does make it much less embarrassing. At least for right now. I make no promises that a week from now I don't die of humiliation when I remember this moment. But one last one before I sew my lips shut forever.” Niall lets out another laugh and I go on. “You smell fucking fantastic. I mean, how do girls just not fall into comas every time you walk by? Like I am honestly not even sure how I’m still standing at this point. Especially…” I pause to smell edge of my sweater and there it is. “…since I’m going to be smelling like this the rest of the night. Not that I’m complaining.”

Niall shakes his head, laughing at my last outburst. “Ya done now, are ya?”

I cock my head to the side, scrunch my forehead, and tap my chin, pretending to think. I finally nod. “Yeah. I think I’m done embarrassing myself.”

He stands there for a moment just looking at me before he speaks. “Harper, I like you. You’re a different sort of girl than I usually meet.”

I blush and make a joke of his statement. “Oh, do the others not ramble on about nonsense when they meet you? No one mentions Colin Firth?” I snap my fingers in disappointment. “Damn. I knew I was doing something wrong.”

“It’s true that girls don’t act like you just did, but I happened to like it quite a bit. It was a breath of fresh air to have someone be so completely honest.” His face softens into a smile, his words coming out in a chuckle. “No tears too. That’s always a good thing.”
I can’t help the laughter that spills from my lips. “If I had cried, I would’ve been way passed mortified. That might have ended in me just turning and walking out of this room and straight into traffic. Not that I’m counting it out yet. The night is still young and there are plenty of more chances for my foot to go into my mouth.”

He looks me over, his tongue running over his teeth, eyebrows raising, his face a seductive smirk and I can see a thought forming in his head. “That’s true, the night is still young. What are your plans for the rest of it?” He shuffles back and forth on his feet. I can't tell if he’s nervous or just fidgety. From what I know about him already, I’m guessing it's the latter and not the former because how in the hell would I make Niall nervous?

“Oh, I have big ones.” I nod sagely at him. “I have a date…” I see a tiny spark of disappointment flash over his face before I continue. “…with my couch, and some ice cream, and Netflix.”

That charming smile appears once more and I feel my insides rejoicing. “Do you think I could maybe talk you out of your date?”

I’m lucky my brain doesn’t choose this moment to go on strike, marching off with its own little homemade sign demanding better treatment and less stress. It might decide to join my heart and my nerves in the overworked side of things. I have to try and not seem overly excited by the possibility that this man wants any form of my attention. I decide to be flirty. I am good with flirty. It is my niche, my forte, my thing if you will. I’ve always been a huge flirt so it is time to put that attitude back on. I play with my bottom lip, rolling my fingers over it, pretending to think. I am pleased when his eyes drop down to watch my movements and even more pleased when he licks his own lips in response. I pause in my movements to speak. “Well, my couch is pretty comfy so I might be a tough sell. Whatcha got in mind exactly?”

Niall dips his hands back into his pockets and glances around the room before turning back to me. He leans in closer to me and speaks in a softer voice than before. “I was thinking maybe we get out of here. Go somewhere where we could have a drink or two. Maybe get to know each other a bit more. See where the night takes us.”

I bring my bottom lip between my teeth and slowly roll it back out again and then turn my mouth up in a playful smirk. “I might be interested in that. Any place special you were thinking?”

He tells me about a small little pub that he likes to go to. His words were, “It’s out of the way and most people don’t even realize it’s there. Makes for excellent cover when you want to disappear for a bit without anyone noticing.” He shrugs. “Sound good to ya?”

I agree and tell him I’ll meet him there in a half hour or so. I drove myself to the show and it was just as easy to head over that way as it was to head in the direction of home. I say goodbye and turn to go, leaving him standing there. I just reach the door when I decide to glance back to see what he was doing. I am surprised to find him in the same spot, watching me. He sees my glance and smirks at me with that same grin, except this time I watch his brows quirk up into the blonde fringe laying on his forehead. The combination of his smile and that eyebrow raise could send me places. As it is I feel a rush of heat straight to my core and I know exactly what I want to happen tonight. I smile and blush once again before shaking my head and walking out the door.

I told Niall I’d be there in half an hour with the thought that I could stop off at home and maybe freshen up before meeting him but London traffic had other ideas. After ten minutes of not moving, I turn around and head in the opposite direction of home, having to forego any sort of attempts to look cute. By the time I make it there, I am already fifteen minutes late. I look in the mirror of my car and puff my cheeks out exasperated. I sweep my long hair back away from my face, swipe on some lip balm and grimace at my reflection. This is as good as it is going to get. I step out of the car, wrap my coat around me and head for the front door, taking one final moment to straighten my spine and open the door with a confidence I don't exactly feel in my bones. When I walk in the smell of polished wood and a fireplace greets me. The pub is small and cozy. Little round tables line the walls, bar stools stand sentry in front of a long polished bar top and a weathered older man stands behind it pouring drinks.

This is not your typical trendy place. This is a place to where you don’t go to be seen. This is a place you go to sit and enjoy the company around you.

I spot Niall seated near the end of the bar, a pint glass half empty in front of him. I surprise him when I sit down next to him and bump my elbow to his. “Fancy meeting you here. Sorry, I’m late. Traffic was a bitch. You’d think I’d have learned by now, but nope. I still never expect London to be that bad.”

He turns his head to better see me. Smiling, he says, “It’s okay. I only just got here myself.”

Glancing back down at his drink, I quirk up a brow. “Only just? And you’re already ahead of me. That will never do.” I raise a hand to the bartender and watch as he makes his way over to me.

Niall chuckles from beside me. “I am bigger than you, ya know? Also, I come from people that are known for holding their alcohol.” He nods sagely, hinting at his Irish background.

“That may all be true, but you really shouldn’t underestimate me. I may be smaller than you but who knows.” I shrug. "I might be able to drink you under the table.“ While Niall is busy with his head thrown back laughing I order two more drinks. The bartender sets one in front of Niall and the other in front of me and I grab mine, holding it up to him. I toast, "To a very interesting night.”

He clinks his glass against my own and nods. “May it get even better.”

The night goes on for me as normal as it possibly can when sitting next to a world famous boyband member. I only trip over my own tongue a few times which is incredible seeing as I normally fumble much more when I'm nervous. But Niall finds it funny and his laughter puts me at ease. I end up not really caring if I spend the night embarrassing myself because every time I do I get to hear that laugh over and over again. The longer we sit there cutting up and drinking the more bold I become. I am starting to feel the beginnings of sexual tension between us. I can tell that he wants to make some sort of move, but doesn’t dare because of where we are. There are just too many incidents of touching to be ignored. Not to mention the fact that his leg has been pressed up against mine for half the night.

In all the time I have been a fan of the band, and more particularly the man sitting next to me, I have never realized just how easy it could be to be completely overwhelmed by Niall. I mean, we’ve all experienced a small part of that intoxicating personality, but having it right in front of you is a whole other thing. I find myself forgetting to speak because I am too busy watching him talk or imagining just what his lips would feel like as they travel over the skin of my neck. I have to stop myself from clenching every time his accent grows thick. He is like a walking aphrodisiac, pulling me deeper with each dampening of his lips and I want every part of him. I am three drinks in and ready to let this man do whatever he wants to me even if that means that I will probably never see him again. If a one night stand is what I get, I’ll take it and spend the next year reliving it in my head every chance I get.

We reach a natural lull in our conversation so I use the moment as a chance to go to the restroom. I walk towards the back of the bar and down a small, wood-panelled hallway. It is secluded back here; the perfect place to sneak a kiss or two. Niall must have thought the same thing because I am met by his figure as soon as I walk out of the ladies room. I am not exactly sure what is happening until I find myself up against the wall with Niall’s hands in my hair and his body pressing into mine. He stares down into my eyes for only a moment and a brief glimmer of hesitation passes over his features before he completely dismisses it and slams his lips into mine. He kisses me greedily, hungrily. His mouth is soft and warm as it moves easily against mine. His tongue slips passed my lips and the taste of beer and man fills my senses. Everything is heated and fast. I have never felt a hunger like this before. I want to press every inch of myself against him. I want him to take me into one of these rooms and fuck me senseless. I don’t even care if he leaves me there in a spent heap. I will happily lay there in my euphoria as he walks away. A soft moan escapes my lips as his mouth moves to my jaw and down my neck. I feel his teeth nip at my ear and it is like bolts of lightening directly to my center. I know that I am dripping wet. I can feel the blood rushing there, filling me, making me ache with longing.

I want him.
I need him.
And he damn well knows it too.

Niall pulls back, his breathing heavy, matching my own pant and his voice comes out breathless and ragged. “I don’t normally do these types of things with girls I’ve just met.” He takes another deep breath. “I think maybe we should go back out there and have another drink before I have you half undressed in that bathroom. Maybe it’ll cool my blood a bit.”

I calm myself as best I can while struggling to bring my breathing back to normal but I do manage to nod in agreement. “Probably a good idea.” I swallow hard thinking about how I’d like him to do just that, though. “There’s not a ton of room in there anyway.”

Niall laughs softly and he raises his hand to move a fallen piece of hair from my face. “Well, then that wouldn’t work at all, would it? You head back out there. I’ll be just a moment.” He sends me off with a little pat on my ass and somehow instead of hating it, I find myself loving it.

I head back in the direction of the bar and take my seat, still a little shaky from the impromptu meeting in the hallway. Niall joins me a few minutes later. He clears his throat beside me as he sits down. “Sorry, I had to make myself presentable again.” Without meaning to, I glance down at his crotch and my face turns bright red. I know I have been caught when I hear the loud carefree laugh that tumbles out of his mouth. “Tryin’ to get a free show, Harper?”

I play it off with a shrug. “Maybe. But you can’t blame a girl for trying.”

We talk for a few minutes more, the conversation coming easily despite my raging hormones demanding me to somehow take this man home with me. But our night is cut short when Niall overhears a few ladies that recently walked in, talking about him.

“I think it might be time to call it a night.” I nod in agreement, having heard the same thing he did. With a quick hand, he pays for my tab and his own and walks me to my car.

I stand beside my door waiting, hoping for something more. Niall glances around the small parking area checking to see if there are any people about. He seems satisfied that no one has followed us outside so he steps closer to me. “Harper, it has been a pleasure meeting you. I think I’d like to have the pleasure again, though. Why don’t you give me your number and I’ll call you.” I’m surprised I even get the numbers right as quickly as I reel them off but I do. He smiles and sticks his phone back in his pocket then takes one last glance around us.

It looks absolutely deserted outside. My heart skips a beat when Niall’s hands tangle into my hair and his mouth takes mine once more. He kisses me hard and quick and, just like before, it sends bolts of electricity charging through my body. Just as fast as he has taken me it is over. He pulls back and I am left trying to catch my breath again. With a cocky grin, he raises his chin in goodbye, “See ya ‘round, Harper.”

I watch him walk, no, strut over to his Range Rover before I climb into my own car. I sit there for a moment, letting my night sink in. I laugh, one of those slightly mad sounding ones, when I think of what just happened. I clap both hands over my face and let out a muffled scream. “Holy fucking shit. What the hell just happened? Oh my god.” I put my heads on the steering wheel and shake my head in amazement. “Oh my god. I just gave my phone number to Niall Horan. Fuck that. I just made out with him. Oh my god. I think I may have lost my last brain cell. Shit.” I take a deep breath. A movement outside catches my eye and I laugh when I see the faces of three men looking at me as if I've just lost my mind. Honestly, I think I have. As I buckle my seatbelt something occurs to me, “I’ve got to get home and tell Lily! She is not going to believe this!”

I drive home quickly. Traffic has died down so the trek across London is amazingly easy. The moment I step foot in my apartment I grab my phone and fling myself onto my couch to call my best friend, telling her to come over immediately. I guess the tone of my voice is all the convincing she needs because there is no arguing on her end.

She walks through my door to find me still laying there, legs hanging over the arm, hands in my hair, a wild look on my face.

“What the hell happened to you?” She asks incredulously.

I sit up and grab her arm dragging her down beside me. Once I have her on my couch I tell her the whole thing. Every tiny detail I can think of. The night spills out of my mouth like beer from a bottle tipped upside down.

She stares at me, open-mouthed, for a minute before hitting me in the shoulder. “You have got to be fucking kidding me.” She looks dumbfounded. “No. Fucking. Way. Seriously?” I nod and she hits me again. “Oh my god! This is amazing!”

“I know!”

She looks serious for a moment. “Do you think he’ll call?”

I look at her nervously and shrug. “I have no idea. I hope so! Who knows. We’ll have to wait and see.”

And wait and see is exactly what I do.

Notes