Dear Niall,
These past few weeks I've been feeling afraid. Like panic fear. I can't even get up to go to school anymore without crying, I can't even as the employee at the store to see if they have the shirt that I like in my size, I can't even order my own food anymore when we go out. I have to ask Liam to do it. Calum and I went to the doctors and turns out I've been diagnosed with panic disorder. I remember you telling me that you had it when you were younger and you said the only thing that made it go away was not thinking about it. Well that's hard to do. Calum went up to the school to have a meeting with the guidance consular and they recommended him a program for me to go to. I'm not going to that. Zayn volunteered to home-school for my last two months of school, and the start of my senior year I will go back to school. Later that day Calum came home from the meeting and started yelling me how it was my fault that you left and that I was faking my panic disorder. I wish you were here to calm me down and tell me that everything was going to be okay. Well I got to go I can hear Calum coming upstairs.

Byeeee I love you so much <3

Eva
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I quickly shut my book, put it under my pillow and put my head down to act like I was asleep. Calum came in and peeked his head through the door and smile when he saw I was "asleep". I heard the door shut and I thought he left but he didn't I felt the bed dip. He put his hand on my shoulder and shook me lightly. "Eva?" He whispered.

"Maybe if I don't move he'll go away, yeah." I thought.

"Eva?" He said shaking me again.

"Maybe if I stop breathing for like a second he won't care and leave me here." I thought again.

"Eva wake up, dinner is here." Calum said shaking me again.

"I don't care about dinner, you yelled at me why should I-do I smell pizza?" I thought.

*sniffs in mind*

"Yup, that's pizza." I thought.

"Fine I'll eat all the pizza then." Calum said getting up walking away.

My eyes popped opened. "You touch the pizza you will die." I said getting up fixing my sweatpants that were rising up. Calum softly chuckled.

"I'm still mad at you." I said walking downstairs.

Calum grabbed my arm making me face him. "Look I'm really sorry I shouldn't have said that your-." I cut him off by saying something that I thought I would never say in my entire life.

"I want to go live with mom."

I took my arm back and continued to walk downstairs and also was rethinking on what I just said.

Notes

Here's an update. YAY!!!!! This is my third time writing this.

*First time my computer froze and deleted everything
*Second time my computer died

Anyway I wanted to update you guys on my life. I'm really sorry I haven't posted in a while. On Monday I was diagnosed with panic disorder and basically this chapter explains what it is. Basically I can't leave the house without crying and that includes school, I wake up afraid like something is going to happen and don't know what it is, Sometimes I can't sleep, I can't ask the employees at stores for help, I can't order my food when I go out to eat. When I do my chest hurts a bit or I start to cry. So for my next two months of school I being pulled out of school and a teacher from my school will come to my house and tutor me two days a week. And in September when I start my senior year I will go back to school and finish out my last year. And also I will be having indivual therapy and I will probably be getting medication on Monday. So yeah I wanted to tell you guys that. I hope you understand and I probably be posting a lot more now. So yeah byeeeeeeeeeeee don't forget to follow me on my social medias.

Snapchat- stayawkwardxoxo
Twitter- stayawkwardxoxo
Instagram- stayawkwardxoxo
Spotify- stayawkwardxoxo
musical.ly- stayawkwardxo
kik- stayawkwardxoxo

Byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee ;D