When He Holds Your Hand

The overwhelming sadness I felt was starting to consume me; Harry's rejection had ripped out my heart in a way I'd never expected it to. To make things doubly worse the nightmare was almost nightly, and every time I'd try to wake myself up before Harry appeared but it wouldn't work. Night after night I was tortured by the look of Harry's disgust for the person I truly was.
I hid myself away for months, ignoring calls and messages from friends to go out for lunch or dinner, and I would even make up excuses to not see Rose. She was loved up and happy with Dionne and I was not going to be the person to bring a depressing cloud around them. I'd thought to myself that friends were like family but the truth was that for those who have normal, loving families they don't need to have friends as replacement family members. Rose didn't need me as much now that she had Dionne, and Will was... well, Will and everyone else just knew the me I presented to them.
I had no one. I'd forgotten what that was like but I'd known it before Rose and Will were in my life, and I'd remember how to cope again.
My first action, and despite Will's furious protestations, was to get myself a job. It was just a part time receptionist position for a small wedding planning business but it was new and exciting and it felt thrilling to have my own money coming in, money I'd worked hard for.
By mid March, in fact, the dreams had stopped, I'd been given more hours and more responsibility at work and Harry felt like a far and distant dream. When I saw pictures or reports about him, my brain wouldn't click that he'd once been so incredibly important to me. I went from hating him to hating myself to feeling nothing but understanding that it must have been strange for him to be with me. The fun of sneaking around wears off quick when you realise things can't go anywhere no matter how much you may want them to.
During that time, whether because I was no longer in a Harry based fog or because he'd become lazy at hiding, I realised that there was a huge chance Will was was having his own affair and more than likely it was with Mia.
They'd always been close, practically growing up like brother and sister, but whenever I'd ring Will's office to see if he would be home for dinner, or to let him know I had to go into work, she would answer his phone or he'd be out to lunch with her and Terry. I had no way of proving it, but the more I thought about it the more logical it became.
I'd been so consumed with Harry and my jealousy that Mia had been trying to flirt with him that I hadn't considered she was jealous because Will was showing me affection; in fact, had he been showing me attention to make her jealous because he was more worried about her and Harry than Harry and I?! It made my brain ache. It was messy and added to my thoughts that I couldn't rely on anyone. Terry would be furious but he would always side with Mia.
Until I had proof, however, I'd let things roll. But my new job and rediscovered independence was setting a ball in motion that made me less fearful of being without Will. I still had everything to lose but there was now a glimmer that maybe I had a whole new world again.
"Thank you for doing this!" I reached for Rose's hand and squeezed it tightly. "I honestly think I wouldn't be able to cope if you weren't here."
The two of us trailed behind Will, Terry and Mia as we walked down the breeze blocked corridor, his voice echoing loudly off the walls while he spoke on the phone, demanding that something very important be fixed or else. I watched Mia for any sign of subtle touches or glances but she continued to chat with Terry and text on her phone.
'Probably to him!' I thought, my eyes narrowing and burning a hole of suspicion into the back of her perfect head.
In all honesty, they could have stripped off and started fucking right in front of me and I would struggle to care. All I could home in on was seeing Harry for the first time in roughly 9 months.
I wasn't sure if I was strong enough to face him, but latching on to Harry's previous insisting I'd be at the premiere, I was told flat out to make sure I was free for their first night at Wembley - no excuses. With a huge reluctance I agreed, on the condition that Rose could come. Will agreed and here we were.
My entire body was jelly as we walked into where the band were hanging out. There was lots of shouting and laughter where most of the people in the room were playing computer games, but to my horror, Harry was sat almost exactly in front of the door. He looked up from his hot drink and I saw the flicker of panic across his face.
"Harry!" Will strode over to where Harry was now on his feet, "how's the voice? Feeling better?"
I intently watched them talk, well, mainly Will talk and Harry nod to save his vocals, "doctor's orders." He'd croaked with a smile, eyes darting around to avoid making eye contact with me but also wanting to look me over.
He was quick to leave, slipping out quietly, eager not to be in the same room as me, so I suggested to Rose that we head to the booth to make things less awkward. Harry had left but I didn't feel comfortable being in that room, in his space and ruining his time to get ready for the show. He was unhappy I was there, I could tell, and it made me feel like I looked desperate, like I was there in a bid to get him back.
"Well...that was tense," Rose spoke once the door was closed behind us. I'd gone so far into my thought I'd forgotten she was with me.
"Hmmm." There was so much I wanted to say that I thought it best to say nothing. Seeing each other was awkward and that was all I needed to know.
The months where I'd hidden away suddenly reappeared and hit me like a train. The panic in Harry's eyes was painful to see, he'd regretted everything and there I was reminding him of the mistake he'd made. My palms began to sweat, my heart race and bile rose in my throat; agreeing to come had been a huge mistake - why hadn't I made up an excuse at least not to go backstage?!
"Are you ok?" Rose held onto me as I stumbled.
"Will you just wait here?" I gave a weak smile, my lips trembling and my eyes tearing up. "Bathroom."
I headed for the nearest toilet, the furthest cubicle and locked myself in praying my own panic would die down quickly. It was an overreaction, and I needed to get a grip and stop being a baby before Rose came in asking questions. I wasn't ok but I didn't want to tell anyone that, especially when nobody could fix it.
I messaged her saying I'd be with her in a sec and to go with Will if he came out, that I'd make my way to the viewing box once I felt less unwell.
**"Are you sure?"**
I rolled my eyes with frustration; too many questions and demands! Then I felt bad: she was worried and if the role was reversed I'd be the same.
The need to be sick passed but I was still impossibly hot, so I built up the courage to take the step of unlocking the door and going back to join Rose.
Leant against the sink, arms folded, and a slightly red nose stood Harry.
"Hello, Lil."

Notes