I had decided to take a gap year after high school with my best friend, Adri. We tried to convince Sissy to go with us, but since she was a year older, she had already started the University and couldn't drop half way through her junior year. She went out her way to study a numerous list of careers: cosmetology and law enforcement in Ohio State University. When she moved out of the state to chase her dream, we still kept in contact. During the gap year, we gone to various of places and gotten important stuff out of the way. For instance, I had moved out of my mother's house into a new home. Adri and I were planning on getting an apartment together, but because we decided to take a year off, our little fantasy of living together had to wait, for a while. Since Jake and his friends were already in college, he asked me to live with him in the mean time until Adri and I managed to find an apartment. The idea wasn't absurd, but thinking realistically, I agreed and left my belongings with him, while I visited unknown places yet to be discovered, with Adri. I must say, that was one my best years, and one I will never forget. But unfortunately, the year had ended, and I had decided to return to my educational life after it was over. So when I finished off my freshmen and sophomore year of college in Bennett, Jake had already been accepted into the school he always aspired at a young age. He had just finished off his junior year in Duke University. It wasn't easy for him. I remember for the last few teenage years, I spent every moment reminiscing them with Jake under the stars, in his bedroom, your abnormal cliché settings.

"Do you have a thought of where you want to go after this?" He turned to me, faded blue eyes staring straight into mine. It was 11p.m as we laid in a grass field, under the hot moisture night. It was almost summer, and a lot had been going through my mind the last few weeks.
"No, not yet." I replied abruptly, then lightening the topic by adding, "I mean, I'll take whatever accepts an average gpa and offers a one way ticket out of here." Jake didn't say anything afterwards and I turned my head back up and stared at the sky. I don't know if he had taken offense to my comment, and if he did, he didn't show in any way that he had been affected. We stayed quiet for while, observing the way the stars formed constellations and I knew that he was contemplating what will come in the next few days. For our future, and for us.

My relationship with Jake wasn't always perfect either. During our high school years, we accommodated the sweetheart phase, whispering sweet nothings into one another's ear, telling each other what we wanted to hear, but not keeping a single promise. Looking back now, I should've felt content with myself. I had someone who loved me more than I ever loved myself, and he cared for me. Cared for me enough, that I let myself care for someone else behind his back, Harry. The good thing about your teenage years is that if you're not in agreement with some things you've done, you can say you were just a kid. I realized that we're still so young and we're going to make mistakes, and if you don't like it, you have the power to make a positive change. The last few weeks before high school graduation, I had recalled so many good memories, except for that one night. The last week of school, I had gotten into a series of arguments with Jake. Most of them were minor insecurities Jake had been doubting between us. But one of the important nights I encountered with him was after I decided that I wanted to spend my last few weeks with him, or so I thought I did. I found out that he had cheated on me, not for the first time, or a second, but three times. Was I upset at him? No. Did I feel humiliated? Yes. I ran out that same morning, trying to escape the pain, but mostly the humiliation and stupidity I had put on myself when I saw the messages. After a few short minutes of walking, I heard Jake's car engine pull up beside me on the road, mocking my pace as I took a step every time. That morning consisted of a lot of arguing and desperation for answers that could've been answered, but not promised. But when Jake stood in front of me that day, carrying his heart up on his sleeve, he took me by surprise when he asked me the simple truth. “What hurts more, being with or without you?” I didn't put much thought into the idea, until the day before graduation. I have only ever been terrified twice in my life, and the day of graduation was undoubtedly one of them.

"You look gorgeous, honey. I- We couldn't be any more proud of you." My mother pulled a moist napkin up to her eye, giving me a smile to assure me if I understood what she had meant. Of course I knew what she meant. Although my father was out of the picture, my mother knew if he was here with us, he'd be just as proud as the both of us. He wasn't dead. My father was a pilot, traveling the world without a cause.

"Lynn, move a little to the left! The camera can't obtain your eyes." But before she could capture the moment, a cell phone began to ring.

"Hello? Yes, we are. Oh! Well, I suppose we- oh? I suppose she can. Alright! I hope so. Goodbye." She slid her phone into her purse and shook her head slightly. "That was Jake's aunt. She says Jake isn't feeling too well and she has a feeling you can do something about it." I should've seen that coming, I thought to myself. These last few days I've spent with Jake, he'd been acting weird. Of course we tried talking about it openly but it would eventually end by Jake shaking his head and driving me home in silence. I knew he was upset of what would come after high school, what that would mean for us. And in a way, I didn't blame his behavior. These last few days we've spent discussing the same possibilities and disadvantages, I hadn't once given him a proper answer to reassure him, but how could I? I drove to my way over to Jake's house. When I pulled over on the sidewalk and put myself on park, I turned the engine off and sat their in silence. Graduation was today and I don't know what was more nerve racking: facing Jake once more or knowing I'm almost done with my teenage chapter. I exhaled a deep breath and stepped out of my car, making my way up to the Wood's house driveway. It's not the Woods' house anymore, I thought, feeling sick at the idea of Jake living alone in this empty home. A horrid memory of two years came flashing back and I winced. The moment I had learned that Jake's family had been killed in a fatal crash, I felt a pang of pain go through my chest and I shook off the vivid image as I stood in front of his door. I rang the doorbell once and heard faint commentary from what I believe was the living room. I rang the doorbell a couple more times and when I realized no one would be answering the door soon, I turned the doorknob. To my surprise, it was unlocked. It's not like it was the first time. I muttered to myself, another inevitable memory of when we were together forced itself into my mind. I sighed as I opened the door gently and looked around.

"Jake?" I walked into the kitchen, nothing.
"Victoria?" I called again, slowly walking down the corridor of his house and stopping right behind the door that led to the living room. I pressed my back to the wall, and listened carefully through what Jake was discussing with his aunt and his uncle. This is wrong. I should leave before they open the door and find me eavesdropping on their conversation, I whispered to myself as I began to make my way out only to be stopped by what I heard next from Jake.

"I won't calm down! This is it for us. Today's the day. And if I hadn't already drove her away, I know for a fact I'll lose her completely after today." He choked out with anger, and my throat tightened to the truth.

"Jake, you're over reacting!" Victoria said trying to calm him down.

"This is it." Jake said, sounding broken. “I waited too long. We didn’t have enough time.”

"Enough time for what?” Victoria asked.

“For her to have strong enough feelings for me. She doesn’t feel the way I do.”

“Jake, you’re eighteen. You’ve got your whole life ahead of you,” His uncle scolded. “Lynn's a sweet girl, but she’s not the only girl. If she moves on, then you can, too.”

“You don’t get it,” Jake said. “You just don’t get it. If you had ever loved Victoria the way I love Lynn, you wouldn’t say that to me.”“Jake!” Victoria screeched.

Jake's next words were muffled.Then, his uncle spoke, “I know that it’s better to feel that kind of love for even a little while than never at all. I also know if you keep pushing this, you’re going to push her away.”As I crept down the hall, Jake spoke again, “I can’t help it. I love her. I’ve always loved her. I don’t know what it is like not to. Now that I know what it’s like to be with her, I’ll never get over it. I don’t think I should. Everyone keeps telling me that I have to let her go. But why would I do that to myself? I already know what it feels like to suffocate—to run out of breath after a 4 hour practice, and still having trouble trying to regain your breath no matter how many times or how deep you breathe. You say I’m being melodramatic, that I’m overreacting, but I know what dying feels like, and I’ve felt it more than once. This is worse.”I slipped out of the front door and covered my mouth, reaching for the railing just as my knees gave way. Every faltering breath that filled my lungs made me think of his words and the agony and panic in his voice.

After taking a few minutes to gather myself, I balled my hand into a fist and banged against the wood. Jake had been looking forward to these last days of high school, and I wasn’t going to let him regret anything. Even if I was the only one still forcing myself to it, he needed to hear a few simple words from me, and I would say them—words that I was afraid to say out loud, but that didn’t make them any less true.When no one came to the door, I rang the doorbell, listening to what sounded like church bells on a Sunday.
Victoria answered the door, her expression tired. “Lynn,” she said, relieved.“Can I come in?” I asked.She stepped to the side and opened the door wider. “Yes, please. He’s in the family room.”

I rushed down the hall, past the same corridor I was just in a few minutes ago and I abruptly stopped five feet from Jake. His back was still turned.“Jake?” I asked, unsure if he even wanted to see me.He turned. His eyes were red, his jaw tightened. “Did they tell you to come?”I shook my head, hoping he would believe the lie. I didn’t want to upset him further. “I wanted to see you.”

"Well I'm a fucking mess."

"You're not the only one." I said, trying to comfort him in any way possible.

He hooked a couple of his fingers on each hip and stared at the floor. His chest rose with each deep breath he took as he attempted to calm down. “I feel crazy sometimes. I mean…I knew I was crazy about you, but…damn it. I can’t control this. It’s scary as hell.”“Talk to me,” I said.“It’s the end, isn’t it? We’ve got a few weeks of summer left, and then it’s over.”

"No," I said, shaking my head. "Why won't you believe me?"

His eyes danced around the room for a few moments, staring at every object, then finally settling his eyes on me. "I've been hoping you'll say what I want- No, what I need to hear. I don't even know what I want to hear anymore. Every passing day has been making me feel worse."

"It's not suppose to be like this. We're suppose to be making the most out of this," I said, my voice getting small, "You're not suppose to feel miserable."

He walked over to the couch and sat down, dropping his head into both his hands. "Lynn," Jake sighed, "I need you to need me. If you don't, then I know you're not invested enough to make this work."

"Jake, are you listening to me? I'm trying to tell you-"

"Everything but what I need to hear."

I walked over to him and frowned. "You want a promise."

"I can make that promise, right here, tonight. I can promise you to make you my priority and to make us work. I promise I won't give up."

I dropped my head and placed my forehead between my thumb and index finger. "You can't promise me something you don't know for certain, Jake. You can't promise the either one of us won't fall for someone else. You can't promise that we'll stay together. And you can't promise that what we feel now, will remain the same in a few years."

"Yes I can Lynn." He turned his head towards me and kept his gaze on me. "Is it just me or you just don't believe in us?"

"A few days ago, you kissed someone else."

"Don't do that," he searched my eyes with desperation, wincing at my words. "We've made mistakes, both you and I, but I won't let that define us, this very moment."

"I'm not trying to hurt you Jake, I'm just being realistic."

He got up from the couch and kneeled before me as he touched his forehead with mine. "I know we're just high school students, but after graduation, my education will only be four years of my life, the rest is you." His eyes were closed and breathing was uneven.

"But you're leaving."

Jake's eyebrows pulled in. "I'm not going anywhere."

"You're wrong. You're all kinds of wrongs and everything."

Jake jerked slightly, being affected at my words. "Lynn-" he held his breath, embracing for what I'd say next.

"But you are. And so am I. You'll be leaving in a couple of months for Duke and I'll be going to Bennett college for two years. Whatever comes after and during that time, is unpredictable. I can't promise you, we won't struggle, but I can promise you that Bennett will be my second home, and Duke will be yours. But this is our first home, whether it hurts admitting, we can always come back.

He pulled off his graduation hat from his head and cupped my jawline, tilting his head and pressing his lips on mine. All his fear and relief and been consumed in that moment and he didn't question me any further. He'd only needed the reassurance that I was as scared as he was and that, I could promise.

He placed his cap back on his head and took long breaths like he'd do after sport practices. And for the first time, he could finally breathe properly after a short amount of time.

"I'm sorry," he exhaled.

I shook my head, snapping back from the memory of graduation day. I looked down at my cup of coffee, twirling my straw inside the warm beverage with one hand and held a yet-to-be-opened white envelope on the other.

"Lynn! Over here!"

I snapped my head towards the direction of the sound. I stood up as I saw the familiar brunette, coming towards me. I smiled warmly as I approached her and gave her a welcoming hug.

“Hey,” I said as I unwrapped my arms around her.

“Ready?”

“Yeah, just let me grab my keys, and we’ll be on our way.”

As we headed out the coffee shop, Adri kept glancing towards me every now and then.

“Hey, is something wrong?”

“What?” I glanced at her while opening my car door. “No, nothings wrong. I just had a small walk down in memory lane, towards graduation,” I forced a smile.

“What’s that?” She pointed towards my hand holding the envelope.

“Well this is what I wanted to tell you about," I fiddled with the envelope nervously. "It’s my letter from UCLA.”

We both looked at the white folded paper, endless scenarios replaying through my mind. I held my breath for a second, trying to recount the many times I've prepared for this exact moment.

“Well? what are you waiting for? Open it!” She said excitedly.

I took a deep breath in, and stared at the envelope in my hands. I began to open the envelope, my hands shaking a bit, and I got nervous.

“Wait!” She paused for a few seconds. “Whatever happens, if it’s not what we were expecting, just know that it’s not your only option.” She said as her eyebrows furrowed in concern.

“I know,” I proceeded to open the envelope. Once it was open wide enough, I carefully took out the tri folded white paper and began to lift each layer upward, slowly revealing New Times Roman font and a scented smell of fresh published paper. My throat closed up. My heart rate sped, each word evident on my face, and I began to cry.

"Oh- no no no! Lynn, look at me. UCLA doesn't have to be your first priority. Hell, any university would be honored to have a student like you at their campus. If Los Angles or-"

"Los Angeles-" I corrected her, swiping my hand under my eyes.

"Angles, Angeles, potato, potàto! Same thing honey. Point is, just cause some big league school in California didn't see how intellectual and poetic you really are, that don't mean you can't stay here with me. We both got accepted to NCSU and I mean, it's no UCLA but-"

"Adri, I got accepted." I choked out, still trying to process it all. I have dreamt of this moment every day for the last year and half when I realized what I wanted to be. And LA was that place for it. I re-read the words over and over, my mind still processing it.

"Oh my god! Lynn! Come ere'!" But before I knew it, Adri had engulfed me into an uncomfortable hug.

“I can't believe it, I'm still trying to process it, my mind is going everywhere," I wiped away the tears that have already fallen, but it was useless. The more I wiped off, the more tears would surface and blind me. "This is so overwhelming, I have so many emotions all in one."

Adri looked at me, she had mixed expressions, exhilaration was written all over her face. She was more than happy for me. But she also had a bit of melancholy. I'm moving to California, and she's going to stay here, in North Carolina. For the first time, I'm going to experience a whole new area, not knowing anyone. I was going to leave everyone behind, and start a new life in the golden state.

But for some reason, I felt more upset than content, why? Maybe it was knowing that I was leaving Adri behind, for good. I was leaving North Carolina, for good. And I was leaving Jake, for good. Although we were only a few hours away from home, it occurred to me that California was in the west. My whole life, I've been living in this small south-eastern town, but my mind was captivated by the big city dreams. I didn't know if the idea of living in a big city had been brainwashed into my head with all the magazines I've read before, but it wasn't. Back in the apartment, I had taped a world map on top of my bedroom ceiling, right above my bed. I spent many nights, staring up at the worn out map, pinpointing a location I haven't been to yet. During my gap year I took with Adri, I always carried a map, just a pocket away, draped in markings almost resembling a 5 year olds coloring book. Some places had small X's next to them meaning I had spent time there or visited on my way to another location, while others were circled around in black marker symbolizing my absent presence.

I'd occasionally glance over at Europe late at night when everyone's asleep, only to find a small X over it. And the letter H right next to the city of London. My heart began to race recalling the winter of my senior year. For the first time in my life, I had gone out of North Carolina and took a trip to Europe, to be with the one I loved. Or so I thought otherwise. I took some of my blanket into my fists and tightened my eyes. Is love suppose to be this difficult? I thought to myself, feeling aggravated and helpless all in one place. I thought of the same idea for the last few months now, that I could easily pack all my stuff one night and vanish to London to be with Harry. It didn't sound absurd to me at that time, how could it? After years of hiding my emotions and running all over the place, I didn't need to anymore with Harry. That was the difference. Harry made my map look pointless, as if the only place I should be marking, was wherever he was. So I took a year off, trying to look for that familiar feeling somewhere else, but as hard as I tried, and wanted, I knew I wouldn't. I glossed my eyes way over to the left of Europe, until I landed on the North America. And then I found the United States, and got a rush of adrenaline when my eyes landed on California. A marked circle was around it.

I shook my head slightly, looking over at Adri, wondering what she was thinking about. Was she just as upset as I am? Does she know I'm just as upset? After a few moments of silence, I turned the ignition, and the engine stirred.

"I'm so happy for you Lynn," Adri said, whole heartedly.

"Thank you Adri. I'm just as overwhelmed as you are." I shifted the gear to drive and finally broke out a smile.

"Hold on," I turned to Adri going in reverse, turning left from home.

She gave me a half smile. "We're going home?"

"Not yet."

I drove for two miles straight until I exited on Fayetteville Rd in Durham. Adri furrowed her brows, wondering what we were doing here until I pulled into The Streets of Southpoint.

"Hell yeah! Shopping is just what I needed," She said giving a one glance at her outfit and scrunching her face In disgust.

We spent the whole day wandering through the inside and the outside of the mall, till Adri had showed little efforts of continuing, so we took a quick stop at the Cheesecake Factory. We waited a couple minutes to get seated, and then we scanned the menu as if our lives depended on it.

"God, I'm starving. All this university talk and gossip has been nice, but isn't doing any good justice to my stomach." Adri snapped, desperately looking for an employee to attend us.

"Hi, welcome to the Cheesecake Factory, My names Katie and I'll be your-" The waitress paused for a moment and then her eyes narrowed at us when she met ours.

"Katie? Katie Horan from high school?" I heard Adri gasp out with curiosity. I know she was secretly enjoying this moment.

"Adri," Katie nodded once and then looked at me for a brief second. "Lynn."

"Who knew I'd see the day where Katie Horan was doing something right and smart for once." Smiled Adri, feeling pleased with her remarks that would've been praised a few years ago.

Katie rolled her eyes and lifted her notepad and pen. "What will I start off ya'll with today?"

"I'll take a strawberry lemonade please."

"Strawberry lemonade it is. What about you sunshine?" She addressed Adri a little coldly, but she ignored her completely.

"I'll take the Cheesecake Factory special lemonade," Adri smiled fully. "Sunshine."

We looked at Katie as she kept her clean and sophisticated posture trying with all her strength not to pick an argument during her work. When she finally finished jotting the rest of our meals, she took a right to the kitchen and we bursted out with laughter.

"What is she doing here working?" I asked Adri almost curiously.

"Right! I swear to god, I thought the Horan's were so wealthy, they were made basically made out of greed."

"You're right. Jake has told me about how wealthy the Horan's were. Since the Wood's and Horan's were very close, I'd assumed both families were financially stable and equipped for the rest of their lifetime. But," I traced off, eyeing Katie from the corner of the kitchen, making her way to our table.

"There's always an explanation." Adri pointed a finger at me.

"Here are your entrées. If you both need anything else, don't bother hesitating to ask me or anyone else." She empathized the anyone else part, making it obvious to avoid any future interaction with us. She turned on her heel when we didn't bother thanking her for her service, but abruptly stopped by the sound of Adri.

"Katie, wait!"

Katie turned around, and sighed loudly. "What Linton?"

"Why are you working here?"

"Because unlike some," she said, shifting her eyes back and forth between Adri and I. "Not all of us get a full ride scholarship to hell." I shifted in my seat uncomfortably, feeling a bit of sympathy for her, but completely shook it off after a second later. She doesn't deserve sympathy, I told myself, remembering all the horrific things Katie has done in the last few years.

"But I thought your family was w-"

"What about my family?" Katie snapped, quickly shooting Adri a warning stare.

"They can just pay for your whole tuition and fees?" She said, stating it more as a comment then a question.

"Family money is useless, sweetheart. News flash: we're all corrupted. The wealthy just do a good job at hiding it," She said smoothly. "Anyways, why's it suddenly your business to question me. I can assure you with whatever you hold against me from high school is pointless, I've changed and moved on. I think you should do the same Linton."

Adri just breathed out a tired exasperation, but knew that picking a fight for no reason would just be completely stupid. She nodded at Katie and picked on her food, leaving behind all her hatred she carried for years. Unluckily for me, I couldn't do the same. As quiet as I was the last few minutes, I couldn't help but feel hatred for Katie all over again. After graduation, I finally believed I'd be free from everything. Did I feel stupid for thinking that? Yes. Because no matter where you go, you're problems will follow you close behind.

"So, why'd you do it then?" I blurted out, feeling my face heat up with embarrassment.

Katie looked at me with surprise, but shook her head with understanding.

"I don't know. There's many excuses I can lay out on the table, and they might work. But I don't want to lie to you- or anyone for this matter. You want truth? Here it is: I envied you Lynn. I'm not exactly sure what it was that made me envy you, but I did. So I vowed in freshman year to make your life a living hell. But I mainly did it because I knew you had the one thing I wanted most," She shook her bangs to the right and laughed softly. "Once I knew that you were what Jake truly wanted, I tried to find ways to destroy you. It sucks knowing you want someone so much, but you can't have them fully. You should understand."

Her words had evicted a hint of hurt towards me, but I mostly sat paralyzed. The mention of her love for Jake didn't come as surprise to me until now. She had done it all for a boy. She was/is in love with a boy. She couldn't have the boy. As much as I wanted to hate her for being the reason Jake cheated on me three times, I understood why she had done it. All for a boy. Because I had done it all for a boy once too. And I know what love can do to you. It can make you crazy. This didn't mean I forgave Katie either, but it was a start, and i know that all the hatred I once carried as well, was gone and left behind.

As we all sat there in silent for a few seconds, Katie started up again. "I'm genuinely sorry for the mess I've made the last few years. Maybe this apology won't mean anything right now, but it'll come a long way. I have to get back to work, but ya'll are welcome back anytime," She said giving us a small smile. "Ladies." And with that, she turned around once without looking back.

After our little encounter for best or for worse, we decided to finish off our shopping even if it was getting close to closing time. On our last hour, we decided to go into Victoria's Secret, Adri's decision, for some "body washes" she didn't own.

"Oh my gosh, Lynn! You gotta try this bra, it's so fricken cute." Adri squealed, handing me not one, but multiple hangers with bras and bottom lingerie from the "Angel" section.

"There is no point of me trying this on, Aid. I got no man, and I definitely got no more money." I said, somewhat lying, but mostly being truthful.

"Ok, both are huge lies! And you know it!" She said, pulling my hand towards the fitting room. "Cmon, if you actually try them on and like it, it'll be my treat."

"Adri," I started.

"Think of it as your give away present when you leave." She teased. I was going to miss her a lot.

I'm not going to lie, every single bra I tried on was gorgeous, but I once I got a glimpse at the price tag, I immediately took them off and pushed off the idea of owning one. $69.99 for this bra! Jesus better had made this himself. I chuckled to myself and was interrupted by a ring from my phone. It was a text, from Jake.

Where are you guys?


Durham.Y?

What are you doing all the way in Durham? I'm not in school anymore... ;)

U wish. We actually went shopping.. I'm personally being victimized by gorgeous lingerie atm. It's not cool.

Send me a picture.

Silence.

Of the lingerie. I meant the lingerie! I want to see how gorgeous it is too.

I shook my head, laughing and slid my phone back in my bag. As I stepped out of the fitting rooms, I lied to Adri that I didn't like any of them, but she knew off the bat that the money was the only problem. After ignoring my protests, she took all the ones I tried on, and the ones she liked, and pulled out a plastic striped, pink card that read "Victoria's Secret Angels Card." Once we got in the car, I quickly got out of the parking lot and turned the radio on. The song Ocean Avenue by Yellowcard began to play and Adri briefly glanced at me to make sure I was okay. That band had many memories, but all I can do was shake off the remaining of the past and think of the future, my future. There is a place off Ocean Avenue, and that's in California. My next destination and my future.

Notes