Journal entry #1
There's this boy named Louis Tomlinson. He sits in the back of the class. And I swear all I ever see him do is laugh. He's tall and very smart. He's so god damn beautiful, and from what I see he's pretty strong. Best of all whenever you see a sad face, he always seems to cheer them up and turn that frown upside down.
I just want to know. Please tell me. How does someone so perfect. Feel so insecure. They hurt so much to the point where they have to scar they're skin with cuts and burn and still want to hurt more. How does someone so loving. Learn to hate their own guts. Drawing pictures on his arms with a blade as if his mind isn't already dark enough.
The last bell of the day went off and immediately Harry picked up his book and his bag and shot out of the classroom. All Harry wanted to do was go home and hide away in his room. Where he feels safe the most. Harry was staring down at his shoes like they were the most interesting things in the world. But it reality he just didn't want to see or speak to anyone. These people make his life a living hell the last thing he want to do was waste his time on any of them.
Harry wasn't paying any attention to where he was going and ended up ramming into someone causing him to drop all of his books and fall to the floor. He didn't want to look up but he wanted to see what asshole decided to bump into him. Looking up through his eyelashes he didn't expect to see the most beautiful person to him of course to be standing right before his eyes. Instantly he felt bad because he called him an asshole. Even though he didn't say it out loud he still felt bad.
"I'm so sorry." The boy said. He seemed to panic as if Harry was going to go off on him or something. Immediately the boy scurried to the ground and began to pick up Harry's books and papers and Harry couldn't help the feeling he had in his heart because they were so close.
"Hey." Harry said. He hesitated at first but his body seemed to take over him as his arm reached out and grabbed onto the boys wrist. The shorter boy stopped his movements and lifted his head and their eyes locked. Harry never realized how blue the boys eyes were. They were almost as blue as the ocean. They were beautiful. Harry was brought back to reality when the boy pulled his wrist from Harry's grip and stood up all the way.
"I'm sorry." He stammered. Harry smiled at how shy this boy really was. He always seemed so outgoing and loud. But when you really get up and close with him he seems really laid back and cool.
"It's really not a big deal." Harry assured him. He seemed to relax as these words left Harry's mouth. His face went back to normal and his whole body seemed to unclench.
"Okay." He smiled. With that he spun on his heal and left Harry smiling like an idiot and watching him until he was fully out of his view.
"Okay... Louis."
Journal Entry #2
There is this boy. Who sits in the front of my class. His eyes are glazed over like Newly cut glass. The ghost of a smile hints on his face. He's laughs as they make that joke asking "who's on first base?"
But I still don't understand. How does someone so loving. Learns to hate their own guts. He draws pictures on his arms with a blade as if his mind isn't already dark enough.
Sitting in the back of the class. Harry's eyes remained on the beautiful boy he bumped into yesterday. He's the only thing Harry could think of. His eyes, His hairs, his beautiful face.
Louis' turned in his chair facing his friends and he's laughing at some lame joke they keep repeating. But Harry doesn't mind. He could listen to that laugh on replay. Harry wanted this day to be over so bad. It's Friday which means the weekend. Two days away from this hell. But then again He doesn't really want it to end. Because that means two days away from the boy that seems to makes him smile most.
He doesn't seem to have a clue who Harry is. Yeah they bumped into each other yesterday but that doesn't mean they just become best buds or fuck or anything like that. Harry's just another person who Louis see's in the hall and in class, and is nice to. Harry didn't really understand how someone could be nice though. He's been alive long enough to know that the popular person is usually a bitch or is always out drinking and fucking everyone who breaths in the same air as them.
But Louis' completely different. He could make friends with anybody if he wants to. He talks to everybody and anybody and Harry's never once heard him say anything mean about anybody. He's an angel that God sent to ruin Harry's life because He knows the boy will never have the eyes for him.
Harry was so deep in his thoughts he didn't realize the bell rang. He looked around the room and saw that everyone was long gone, especially the teacher. Sighing He picked up all of his books along with his bag and left.
As Harry was leaving you can probably guess who he saw. Yeah it was him. But he wasn't with anybody. He was at his locker. He wasn't getting any books out either. It seemed like his head was buried far into his locker like he was hiding from something.
Harry's head was telling him to leave and not worry about it but his legs were telling him differently. They seemed to take control of Harry because before he knew it he was standing next to the Louis at his locker. Louis seemed to sense Harry's presence because he pulled his head from his locker.
Harry probably looked like an idiot standing there and he knew he couldn't just walk away because that would make him look like a douch. To walk away from someone who looked sad a vulnerable. Having a little confidence in himself, Harry allowed the words to roll off of his tongue like they were the three most important words ever.
"Are you okay?" The boy gave a warm smile and the answer that came out of his mouth seemed to shock him more than it shocked Harry.
"No." He Said. "No. I'm really not." He repeated shaking his head. Harry couldn't help but feel sympathy for him. No one ever seemed to suspect such a thing.
"Do you want to talk about it?" Harry asked. Louis hesitated to answer and Harry thought he was going to say no. But eventually he nodded his head slowly and slammed his locker beginning to walk ahead of the taller boy. Harry was stood shocked at his answer and Louis seemed to notice because he stopped in his tracks and turned around raising his eyebrows.
"Well aren't you coming?" He asked. Quickly Harry nodded his head and began to follow Louis...
And that was the night when Harry learned that the most happiest people can truly be the most saddest people. They are just really good at hiding it.
Journal entry #3
There is this boy. In the front of my class. He's so sad. You don't usually seem him smile or laugh. His friends tell him the same jokes. Like the one with the guy. But all he seems to do is close his eyes and enter his mind.
Please I need to know How does someone so loving. Learn to hate their own guts. Drawing pictures on his arms with a blade as if his mind isn't already dark enough.
Saturday night came around and Harry's mind kept telling him to get up off his lazy ass and go out somewhere. But since he doesn't talk to anybody he had nowhere to go. So instead of spending his money on shit Harry just decided to get lost around town.
So here he is with his headphone, Music blasting, and his dark jack Wills hoodie. Harry seemed to have been walking for some time and since he never usually goes out he didn't exactly know where he am. All he know was he was pretty good distance from his house.
It was pretty late probably around midnight. Harry should have really gone home but it's not like he had any parents to ground him or shit like that. He was walking towards a park. There was this bench at that park. At midnight you'd usually expect nobody to be there. But there was someone there. The closer Harry came the clearer the figure got. He couldn't see who they were because they had they're knees pulled up to their chest and their face was hid in their knees.
Harry tried to be quiet as he walked over to the person but his foot came in contact with a stick and it snapped in half. The figure whipped their head up and Harry wasn't sure if he should have been surprised or not that he saw Louis sitting there. When he saw it was Harry, he gave him a small smile and immediately rested his head back down on his knees.
Harry walked over to the bench and sat down next to him. Not really sure what he was doing Harry lifted his hand up and began to rub Louis' back gently. He was expecting Louis to pull away but what he actually did shocked Harry. He slid over on the bench moving his body closer to Harry's side. He came so close they were right up against each other and Harry's arm that was once on his back was now fully around him. Slowly he laid his head on Harry shoulder and let out a long sigh. Harry was really shocked. Harry didn't know whether to wrap his arm around the boy or not.
"I'm sorry. I... It's just you seem to be the only one who seems to understand me." Louis said quietly. Harry couldn't help but wrap him arms fully around Louis and pull him closer to his body. There was this big part of Harry that wanted to do nothing but comfort this poor boy. Harry guessed that part took over him. Because here Harry am holding Louis in his arms, allowing him to let out everything that he needs to get off his chest.
-
It ended up getting cold out and Harry had to go home. But he didn't want to leave Louis alone by himself. Especially in a state like this. So now here he was walking into his flat with a fragile Louis in his arms. Harry wasn't really sure if Louis was asleep or not. His eyes were closed but that doesn't have to mean he's sleeping.
Harry walked over to his bed that was set in the corner and gently laid the boy on top of his white comforter. His eyes remained closed and he didn't move so Harry assumed he was actually asleep. Sighing he backed away from the bed and walked over to his dresser and pulled out sweats and a jumper. If Louis was going to stay here Harry didn't think he'd be very comfortable sleeping in skinny jeans and a flannel.
Throwing the clothes over his shoulder Harry walked back over to Louis. Harry wasn't sure if Louis would be comfortable with him taking his clothes off but Harry wouldn't look, he'd respect Louis' privacy, no matter how many time he had dreamed of being able to do this.
Harry began to unbutton the buttons on Louis' shirt. When he got every button undone, careful not the wake the boy, Harry slid his arms out of the shirt. Keeping His promise Harry kept his eyes on the jumper and slid it over Louis's head.
"Okay... One down... One to go." Harry sighed. He lifted the jumper that He put on Louis up a bit so he could access the button to get the jeans off. When they say skinny Jeans are extremely hard to get on and off they are correct. It was like they were painted onto Louis' legs and they would get stuck every tug. Finally after what seemed like hours Louis' pants fully came off. Harry didn't mean to but His eyes gazed over Louis' legs and he could feel my heart stop right then and there.
They were vertical, horizontal, some were angled weirdly. But that didn't matter. All that occurred to Harry in this moment is that they were everywhere. Cuts, and scars, Some were really deep and some were small. Some were healing and some were already scarred. Harry just couldn't understand. This poor beautiful boy is hurting so much and no one ever seems to notice. Harry's heart hurt for him and all he wanted to do was tell him everything would be okay. But Harry wasn't really sure if that's the case anymore.
A thought came to Harry's mind and before he knew it he was pulling the sleeve up of the jumper on Louis. Gripping his wrist firmly Harry got a close look at it. Like he assumed they're were cuts up and down his arms. The same as his thighs. Some deeps, some not so deep, some were healing, some were brand new.
"What are you doing." Harry heard a shaky voice ask. Harry's eyes shot from his wrist to Louis' face and Louis was staring at him with scared eyes. He yanked his wrist from Harry's grip and pulled the jumper down trying to cover his thighs.
"I know it's disgusting." Louis stammered. Harry felt so many emotions for this boy he couldn't even straighten them out correctly.
"I want to go home. Please... Please take me home." Louis cried. Harry took the fragile boy into his arms and tried his best to calm him down. He thrashed around in Harry arms but he didn't let go. Harry wasn't letting him go.
After a while Louis got tired and he stopped moving all together. The only thing that could be heard was our breathing and Louis' quiet sobs.
"They aren't disgusting. I'm not going to judge you." Harry whispered. Finally Louis picked his head up looking straight at the green eyed boy.
"That's what they all say. Right? Oh I'm not going to judge you, I'm not going to leave I'll be here till the end." Louis scoffed. "Yeah I've heard it all you can stop playing with me." He said. Harry's words were caught in his throat. He wasn't really sure how to respond. Suddenly something popped in his mind. Harry knew this wasn't such a great idea but if it will make him believe him then so be it.
"I can't judge you because look." Reaching down Harry lifted up the sleeve of his jumper revealing the cuts and scars he's made. Harry Heard a small gasp then a hand reached down and grabbed ahold of his larger ones. Louis' thumb ran over Harry's arm and Harry focused on the boys face and the emotions hidden in it. After a while he lifted his head back up and both boys eyes locked.
"I guess we aren't so different after all." Louis said. Shrugging Harry kept his eyes locked with Louis. He didn't want to look away. This moment felt perfect and Harry didn't think it could get better. Boy was He wrong.
Harry didn't realize what he was doing. He didn't even know he was doing it but he felt himself start to lean in towards Louis. He tried my hardest to stop but it was like there was some force pulling him towards the boy. When their lips were only about an inch away Harry stopped. Should he really do this? They only just met. Harry didn't want to take advantage of Louis. He didn't want the boy to hate him
Louis had a whole other plan though. Suddenly Harry felt a hand circle the back of his neck and Louis pulled him close, closing the gap between them. Their lips began to move together and Harry grabbed Louis' cheeks gently running his thumb along Louis cheek bone. Spark, electricity, fireworks. You name it Harry felt it, and he's hoping Louis did too. Harry kissed him slowly not wanting to go too fast with thing. Louis seemed to become impatient because soon the kiss became more heated and Louis crawled up to straddle Harry's lap. Harry moved his hands around Louis' waist and they continued to kiss.
The two boys pulled away for air and Harry thought they were done but Louis moved his lips down to Harry's neck and began trailing kisses. He continued to bite, kiss, suck and Harry couldn't help but let out a moan as Louis hit his sweet spot.
Harry felt Louis' hands reach down to the hem of his shirt and Harry panicked. Should they really be doing this?
"Louis." Harry interrupted. Harry gripped onto Louis' hands and he finally stopped what he was doing all together. Louis pulled back and looked down at the taller boy with confused eyes
"What are you doing?" Harry asked. Louis' expression immediately changed to embarrassment and soon he was crawling off of Harry to the other side of the bed.
"I'm sorry I don't know what came over me." Louis said lowering his head in shamed. Sighing Harry crawled over to where he was and lifted the boys head up with his thumb. He stared up at Harry with his shining blue eyes and Harry almost felt bad for stopping things.
"I get it. I'm not really experienced or anything. You want to do it with someone who knows what they are doing. I just want my first time to be with someone who I trust. I trust you." Louis' words became quieter by the end. Harry didn't think he was meant to hear that last sentence but he did and he felt something weird in his stomach as Louis said this. All he really needs is someone to show him that they can love him.
"Your probably not even gay. God why am I so stupid." Louis said. He shut his eyes tight and let out a loud breath. Harry kept a good grip on Louis' chin not letting him looking anywhere else but at him.
"I just don't want you doing something you not ready for. Your first time has to be special." Harry assured him. He opened his eyes back up and let their eyes lock for what seemed like the millionth time today.
"I don't care where we are or if it's special. The only thing that would matter is you and me that's it." Louis said. Harry smiled and leaned down and pecked the boys lips softly. Pulling back Harry leaned his forehead against Louis'. Looking into them eyes made Harry cave. He couldn't seem to hold in anymore.
"Fuck it." He said and molded his lips with Louis' and immediately he kissed back and crawled back onto Harry lap pushing him onto his back in the process. The kiss soon became heated and Harry ran his tongue over Louis' bottom lip asking for entrance. Louis' obliged opening his mouth. Harry's tongue massaged Louis' and the boy let out a moan causing Harry's lower region to twitch. The kiss was heated but gentle at the same time. The two boys didn't get sloppy, Harry kept it at a good pace, not wanting to rush Louis into anything too fast. There lips almost fit like a puzzle piece. There was nothing Harry could hate about this kiss, it was perfect.
Harry moved his hands down to the hem of the jumper ready to pull it off but he stopped. He pulled away and looked at Louis to make sure he was okay with it. The boy nodded and Harry finally pulled the jumper over his head. Louis was now left in just his boxers since Harry never got the chance to put the sweats on he got out for him. Instead of going back to kiss his lips Harry lifted Louis' chin a bit so he could get enough access and connected his lips to the boys neck. Harry trailed kisses along Louis' jaw but immediately stopped when he hit the spot that made Louis let out a quiet moan that caused Harry's pants to tighten.
Harry sucked for some time which made Louis let out a few more moans until the curly hair boy was satisfied with the Purple bruise left on the boys neck.
"Did you leave a hickey." Louis asked. Harry smirked up at him through the curls that fell in front of his eyes. Louis gave him that small yet heartfelt smile and reached down pushing the hair out of the way.
"Your turn to take your clothes off." He said. Harry pushed him off gently and stood up from the bed to pull his jumper over his head. Usually Harry wouldn't do this around anyone. But something tells him, he can trust Louis. Harry stripped his pants down so that now both of them were in only boxers. He focused his attention back onto Louis and saw that his eyes were in a daze.
"You like what you see?" Harry asked. Louis fixed his eyes up onto Harry's face and bit his lip nodding his head slowly.
"I've got to get a few things first." Harry said. Walking over to his nightstand he opened the drawer and pulled out the clear tube along with a silver packet. Harry threw the item down and got onto his knees on the bed just above Louis. Reaching down Harry pulled at the strap of Louis boxer and let go of them right after.
"Can I take these off?" Harry asked. right away the boy nodded and Harry reached behind and pulled the boxers down his legs and fully off leaving him naked. Harry stood there for some time taking in all his feature. His stomach, his chest, his thighs, even his penis... Everything about him made him beautiful and Harry couldn't understand how someone like him can be so insecure.
"You can stop staring I know it's gross." Louis snapped Harry back to reality. Harry looked back up to Louis' face and his lip began to quiver. Quickly Harry reached down and cupped his cheeks shushing him.
"Your beautiful." Harry said simply. Louis' eyes lit up and he leaned into Harry's palm. Harry figured they have both been waiting long enough and it was his turn to expose himself fully. Harry leaned one elbow on the side of Louis' side and reached his other arm down to take his boxers off. He struggled a bit but when he got them off he leaned fully down on his elbows so he could stare down at Louis. Like before, Louis reached his hand around the back of Harry's neck and pulled him down for their lips to meet. Harry's elbows buckled and he fell on top of Louis but he didn't seem to care much because he continued to move his lips against Harry's. They seemed to be doing more kissing than what they really planned to do right now. Harry pulled away with one last peck and tried to catch his breath.
"You have to turn around on your stomach." Harry said. Louis' eyes filled with confusing along with something else that Harry couldn't read. Eventually Louis began to shake his head.
"I want to see you." He said.
"Lou, I don't want to hurt you." Harry sighed. Louis shook his head again and pushed Harry off of him bringing the condom with him.
"I don't care if it hurts. I'll get over it. I just want to see you." He said. Louis brought the condom up to his teeth and ripped open the packet.
"Can I put it on?" He asked. Harry nodded and gave the boy more access to his now hard erection. Louis took the condom the slid it onto Harry's length and he let out a shark breath as the small amount of pleasure shot through his body.
When the condom was fully on Louis laid back on the bed and Harry followed behind him setting his hands on either side of the boys head.
"I have to stretch you first." Harry said. He reached for the lube bottle and put a good amount onto his fingers before reaching down to Louis' hole. Harry looked at the boy for confirmation and once he nodded he slowly pushed his finger in. Louis' face twisted and he shut his eye tightly.
"Are you alright?" Harry asked. He didn't answer for a while and Harry was going to pull out thinking the boy wasn't ready but his words stopped him.
"Move." He demanded. Harry obliged and began moving his fingers slowly. Soon Louis' face relaxed and his body eyes opened.
"Add another one." He said. Listening to his request Harry slid another finger inside of him and started to thrust them a little faster. The moans coming out of Louis' mouth told Harry that he was enjoying this. Harry continued to move his fingers at a good pace but was cut off by Louis.
"I'm ready." He said. He gave Harry one last nod confirming his demands. So Harry pulled my fingers out and grabbed the lube bottle again so he could put some lube on his dick. He poured some lube into his palm and wrapped the hand around his length making sure he was good enough for Lou. Finally Harry lowered himself onto Lou and lined himself up with his hole,
"This is going to hurt. I'm not going to lie. If you want to stop just tell me." Harry said. He could see the nerves in Louis' face but he didn't seem to let that get the best of him and he nodded for Harry to go on.
Harry pushed into him slowly and watched as his face twisted.
"Oh fuck that hurts." Louis groaned. His lip began to quiver and he squeezed his eyes shut.
"Oh lou." Harry sighed. He couldn't stand the fact of seeing the poor boy hurt, especially when he's the one causing it.
"I got to pull out. Your in too much pain." Harry told him. He was about to pull out but Louis stopped him by wrapping his legs around his back locking them together.
"You have to move." Louis said. Sighing Harry remained in the same position and began to move slowly inside of him. The pleasure was building up inside of Harry, but he didn't want to enjoy this if Louis wasn't. And from what Harry's seen, he doesn't seem to be enjoying this too much.
Louis eventually opened his eyes and Harry could see the pain disappearing from his eyes and soon it was replaced with pleasure.
"Faster." He demanded. Harry started to thrust into him faster causing moans to come out of both of their mouths. Harry was hoping Louis was enjoying it now. Soft pants continued to leave the boys mouths as Harry thrusted into him. His legs were still locked around Harry's back giving him better access. Harry continued to thrust into Louis and soon felt his walls clentch around his dick and he could tell they were both close.
"Harry I'm..." He didn't even have to finish. Harry moved his hands from around Louis' waist. Harry intertwined one of his hands with Louis' and reached down with the other and grabbed the boys length. Harry began to pump Louis at a good pace trying to help him reach his high.
"I can't hold in any longer." Louis stuttered
"It's okay. Cum." Louis' hand tightened around Harry's so tight he almost couldn't feel it. But Harry didn't let go. He continued to pump Louis' length until he felt the liquid shoot from his dick getting all over Harry's chest and his.
Not stopping Harry thrusted into Louis at the same pace until his thrusts become sloppy and soon he was cumming inside the condom. Harry continued to thrust until both boys road out theirs highs then Harry stopped all together glancing down and Louis. His eyes were shut and he was breathing heavily. Slowly Harry pulled out of him and jumped off his bed so he could go find something to clean up with. On the way Harry pulled the now used condom off his dick and tossed it in the trash can.
Harry found a washcloth in the tub and brought it back to his bed where Louis was still panting heavily. Crawling on the bed on his knees Harry reached down and ran the washcloth over Louis' chest causing his eyes to shoot open. When he saw Harry he gave him a tired smile. Harry gave him one in return and continued to himself and Louis off until they were clean of any sticky substance.
Not bothering to get back up Harry threw the washcloth onto the ground and plopped down on the bed next to Louis'. Right away the boy moved closer and nuzzled into Harry's chest. Harry slowly wrapped his arms tightly around him pulling him as close as possible.
This boy was something special and Harry felt like it was his job to protect him from the world, from everything. Harry planned to do that as long as he is around.
If only Harry knew that tonight would have been the last time he would ever be able to hold this fragile, broken boy in his arms.
Journal Entry
There is a boy. Who sat in the front of the class. Who yesterday took the breath that was his last. He wrote some notes. One said "I'm sorry I didn't say but my mind was messed up you couldn't save me anyway." But there was one note that caught my eye it read
"to the boy in the back of the class, who feels the way I did. How does someone so perfect. Feel to insecure? As the scars on his skin with the cuts and the burns and still want to hurt more."
Here Harry is. It's been a week since the boy he fell in love with in a matter of hours took his own life. Harry wasn't really sure how to feel. He didn't whether he should cry, or if he should scream. He just don't know. When Harry found out, it had only been a day since Louis and him had sex. Harry's doesn't even want to refer to it as sex. They connected and Harry had felt something with the boy that he hadn't felt in a long time. Harry's heart doesn't feel like it's beating right anymore. His mind is racing with so many questions that nobody will ever be able to answer besides Louis.
The priest said a few words. The usual "We are gathered here today to celebrate the life of Louis Tomlinson." along with a long speech Harry didn't really pay too much attention to. It was the last few sentences that caught his ear. It was one last note that Louis wrote for him. Harry was never given It though.
"There's this boy I met. He was definitely a mystery I had trouble reading. He's a closed book, and it's one of those books that has a lock on it, and the key is long gone. But he opened up to me in a way I don't think anyone else could have. He showed me what it feels like to be loved and I couldn't have been more thankful to have spent the last few hours of my life with the most amazing down the earth man on this planet. I'm not very good with my words but I want to say something to him I didn't have to guts to say before I left. Yeah we did only just meet but I felt closer to him than I did with anybody, even my parents. I just want him to know that I'm sorry that this had to happen this way but I felt like it was the best option. I just want him to know that I love him."
Harry didn't expect to cry during his viewing. He wanted to be strong. But he didn't think he could have after that. Soon enough the tears were streaming down Harry face like waterfalls and he couldn't stop them. He reached up and wiped the tear the best he could, even though there were still tears dripping from his eyes.
"Okay. Before we end would anyone like to say anything." The priest asked. Harry wasn't planning to say anything. He didn't want to make a big speech or anything because he was sure would break. But before Harry knew it he was standing up and making his way towards Louis' casket. Everyone's eyes were on him. Harry knew exactly what he had to say. It wouldn't be too long. It was going to be simple but it would mean the world.
Harry finally reached Louis' casket and looking down at it. He ran the edges of his fingers along the wooden top and let out a deep breath before opening his mouth to speak. Harry thought the words were going to be hard to say but as soon as he opened his mouth they were rolling off his tongue like a melody.
"I love you Louis Tomlinson."

Notes