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sleepwalker || z.m.

seven

*~Nina~*

I fumbled with the envelope in my hands. I smiled, seeing Harry's messy handwriting that was scribbled across the front. The 'i' in my name was dotted with a heart, although all of the letters were written in capitals. It was dated June seventh, the day he left. The envelope had plenty of stamps and markings on it, probably because of the crazy process it had to go through to get here.

I couldn't look at it anymore without the anxiety and constant nagging of my heart to open it. So I did.
To: My Dearest Nina
It's been thirty seven hours since I've last seen you.

I'm already out of my mind. I never thought it would be this hard to be without you. I don't know how I'm supposed to be away for four months, not seeing your beautiful smile or hearing your infectious laugh.

I remember the first time you said, "I love you." I remember it like it was yesterday. I've included an excerpt from my journal (yes, I have a diary; you probably already knew that though, didn't you?) from that night.

I can't believe it. She said it. She said she loves me. What is love? What does love mean? I don't know what that word means. It must be indefinable.
I know now that it is not indefinable. While I've been away, and I've come to the realization that I'll be away for quite awhile, I've had time to dwell on the thought. Before I left, I looked up the definition of 'love' in the Oxford dictionary. Its definition was: an intense feeling of deep affection.

You know I love my dictionary, but I beg to differ here. Love is so much more than just an intense feeling. It's more than an infatuation. It's more than deep affection. It's more than an emotion. It's so, so much more.

Love is the feeling of wholeness and completion when your with the other person, and a feeling of dissatisfaction and need to be with them when you're not. Love is feeling your heart grow bigger each time the other person smiles. It's the feeling of your heart tearing when you must say goodbye. Love is trusting someone with your whole being; mind, soul, body... heart. Love is the constant source of pain and pleasure. You'd willingly let that person break your heart, because having your heart broken by them is worth so much more than any other feeling or emotion you could ever have. Love hurts so much more than every other form of pain that's physically and emotionally possible. Love is the reason people kill themselves, and the reason people live. It's the force that drives people.

It's an unconditional and binding contract. You see, the way I see it, you can never stop loving a person. No matter what they do or what they say, you'll always love them, because love can't be broken. They can break your heart, over and over and over again, but you'll never let them go.

Essentially, when we don't have it, we look for it. When we discover it, we don't know what to do with it. When we finally understand it, we never want to let it go.

Love is a contradiction cloaked in ambiguity.

So, I say this to you, Nina Belle (soon-to-be) Styles, with more meaning than it's ever held before.

I love you.

Harry x