All that you want’s under your nose.
You should open your eyes but they stay closed.

March 20, 2012
The Dahm Mansion

Everyone left the party at about 4:00 this morning, and I was completely exhausted.


Harry stayed at my house last night. He didn’t stay in my room, but he stayed in the spare bedroom, which is right next to mine.


He didn’t really say anything when I confessed to him a second time last night. He just ran his hand down his face, and left my room.


And that left me more than heartbroken. But Malina went after him and convinced him to stay. I am afraid to go downstairs with him and Malina, because I’m afraid of what he might say.


I do not want him to walk away from me again. Despite the countless number of times I’ve walked away from him.


I took a deep breath and walked towards the dining room. But then I heard laughter? I stalked closer and looked in the small doorway.


Harry, and Malina. Are getting along? Wow.


I took a deep breath and tried to walk into the kitchen without them seeing me, but they both stood up when I hit my hand on the wall.


I grasped it tightly and let out a breath through my teeth, slowly looking at Malina.


“What’s up?” She said, walking over to me smiling.


“I just wanted some food.” I muttered, and I tried to take a glance at Harry, but she seemed to be blocking my view entirely.


“He’s okay, Anastasia.” She gave me an assuring smile and I let out a sigh.


“Well, I’m going to get some food.” I let go of my hand and walked into the kitchen. I grabbed the cereal out of the cabinet, as well as a bowl and the milk out of the fridge.


But then Harry walked into the kitchen. Please don’t make me say anything stupid.


He began to wash the bowl that he was using and I put the milk back in the fridge, watching him in the corner of my eye.


I put the cereal up and grabbed a spoon, and he began to dry his hands with a towel.


I looked to the doorway and hastily took a bite of my cereal. Clear getaway.


I was certain, that I was going to make it to the doorway. But as soon as I walked past him, his hand grabbed my arm and I froze in my tracks.


Feel my bones ignite. I was afraid to look up, so I just looked forward. But then he pulled me in front of him so I was forced to look at him.


I tried to look away but he used the back of his fingers to push my face towards his. “What do you want?” I asked and he sighed, taking a step towards me.


“What do you want, Anastasia?” He furrowed his brows and took my cereal out of my hand, setting it on the counter.


“I want my cereal.” I mumbled and he closed his eyes.


“What do you want from me?” He asked and I looked up at him. “I have nothing to give you anymore, bébé. I can’t deny the marriage, because my mother will kill me. So,” He opened his eyes to look at me. “What do you want from me?”


“I don’t want anything.” I sighed and tears filled my eyes, once again.


“Anastasia.” He breathed, and ran his hands up and down my arms.


“I want my cereal.” I said, tears spilling from my eyes before I wiped them away. He blew air from his mouth and handed me my cereal, his fingers purposely brushing over mine. “Thank you, Harry.”


I then walked out of the kitchen and sat down in the dining room. I was hoping when he came in here, he would sit down in front of me so we could talk more, but he walked out of the dining room and up the stairs.


“Are you going to eat that?” Malina asked, pointing to my cereal.


“I was going to five minutes ago, but now I don’t want it.” I pushed her the bowl and buried my face in my hands.


Why is everything so complicated? Why was there ever a love invented in the first place? Why did anything have to be here, and complicated, and stupid?


I stood up and Malina looked at me. “I’m going to my room. If you need me, I’ll be there.”


I walked up the stairs and nearly jumped out of my skin when I saw Harry viciously pacing around my room like a maniac.


But he stopped when he saw me.


“Why do you love me, Anastasia? Honestly. I always pick a damned fight with you and I am such a pain in the ass to you. Why would ever love someone like me?” He began breathing hard and I walked up to him. “What do you want from me?”


“All I want is you, Harry. That’s all I ever wanted. But now that’s unable to happen. So why would you bother asking that question? You know I can’t have you.” I shook my head and he reached for my cheek, but stopped.


“I want to make you happy, Ana. But I can’t make you happy with this shit! I told you that I’ll never be able to make you happy, and I never will.” He fell to his knees and I covered my mouth. “I want you so bad. I want you to be mine. I want to wake up next to you in the morning, and call you my wife instead. It hurts to love you this much, Anastasia.” He cried into his hands and I sat down in front of him, wrapping my arms around his neck. And he immediately wrapped his arms around me and pulled me close to him. “And I can’t even kiss you without feeling bad…” He looked at me, eyes wild and soaking wet.


“I know.” I nodded my head and he licked his lips.


I wanted him to kiss me, oh God I did. But he doesn’t want to. Yet, his actions definitely got the best of him.


He put his hand on my cheek and leaned forward, kissing me softly.


“Oh God.” He mumbled on my lips, kissing me softer and more desperately.


I put my hands on his arms and he pushed me backwards so that I was laying on my back and he was hovering over me. He put his hands on the ground on either sides of my head and kissed me harder. I ran my hands down his torso and he groaned in my mouth.


“Ehem.” We both looked to the doorway to see a grinning Malina. I scrambled out from under him and wiped my mouth with the back of my hand. He stood up, but he didn’t move after that. “There’s some girl calling the mansion. Says her name is Gina?”


“Dammit.” Harry grated and walked out of my room and down the stairs.


I wiped the tears from my cheeks and Malina walked up to me. “You need to stop this, Anastasia.” I looked at her, confused. “You know exactly what I’m talking about. You’re in love with a man you can’t even have. You need to stop before you get hurt.”


“M, I have already been hurt. I know that this pain won’t ever go away. I need to have him while I still have the chance.” I said and she shook her head.


“He’s getting married, Ana. Stop trying to make it like he’s not.” She then walked out of my room and I sighed.


You know what? Fuck it. Shit happens, Anastasia. The least you could do is go along with it and pretend to love it.

Notes

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