Ready Or Not

He was naked. Not partly naked; not sort of naked; but completely naked. On his bed. I took a deep breath to calm myself down but instead I let out shallow, panicked gasps for air. He gazed up at me, concerned. I was a little concerned too considering I was about to do something I knew I’d regret for the rest of my life.
I’d pictured my first time as being special. The room filled with scented candles; the bed littered with rose petals; and soft music playing in the background to help with the mood. At least that’s how they portrayed it in the movies. As I took in my surroundings, I realised it was all a lie. At least I stop living in denial now that I knew the cold, hard truth: there was no such thing as special.

“What are you waiting for?”

He raised his eyebrows at me. I could tell he was getting impatient. It was a good question really. Maybe I was waiting for an excuse not to go through with it, a way – any way – out of this. On the other hand I couldn’t stand being a disappointment to anyone – especially him. I knew that’s what he’d be if I told him I just simply wasn’t ready. He wouldn’t think that was a good enough reason. It wasn’t like he was a virgin or anything. No, that ship had sailed a long time ago.

Of course, I’d heard all about the other girls he’d been with, how they’d been so eager to get ‘down to business’. There were a lot of them too – not that I cared. I just wondered how many of them were prettier than me. With my luck, they probably looked like Victoria Secret models. I mean, I was dating the most popular guy in school after all.
It wasn’t all it was cracked up to be though. There was a lot of pressure on me to do certain things – tonight was a great example. I had no idea how I’d pulled a guy like him in the first place or what he saw in a girl like me – or if he even saw anything at all except my DD boobs – but I wasn’t about to question it.

Sometimes, I just felt like I didn’t quite fit in with it all though. He was always going to parties with his friends and getting smashed. I’d never been to any even though I’d been invited in the past. It wasn’t like I didn’t want to go. I just never had the chance.
Between Netball training, trying to finish year eleven, my baby-sitting job, as well as maintaining a strong friendship and a high maintenance relationship, I was swamped. He’d probably rather go out alone anyway just so he could get up to no good without his nerdy girlfriend telling him off. It was odd how he didn’t seem to be embarrassed to be seen with me.

He sat up and placed his hand softly in mine, pulling me towards him with force. I resisted at first but then gave in. I was next to him, leaning against the backboard of the bed. He kissed my neck, his hand slowly grazing the inside of my thighs. I shivered and not because it felt nice – although it did.

My stomach churned like a washing machine filled with delicate clothes on the highest speed. I wasn’t sure if it was the moment or the person but there was something not right about this. I’d been going out with Eugene for three and a half months now. He was such a great guy. But was I in love with him? No clue. I mean, don’t get me wrong. I liked him, I liked him a lot.

We usually got along like wildfire. He had a lovely smile, an awesome body, a good sense of humour, and always knew how to cheer me up – he was everything a girl could ask for. It just felt as though he was lacking something. Maybe it was depth, respect for others, or even charisma but I couldn’t be certain.

I mean he acted kind of shallow sometimes and didn’t know when to take no for an answer, but that’s what usually happened when you were a part of the popular crowd – you became obsessed with yourself and forgot how to treat others. Other than that he was quite a catch.

“Don’t tell me you’ve changed your mind,” he frowned, outlining my cheeks with his fingers.

He sounded sympathetic but deep down I knew the future of not only what remained of my dignity but also our relationship depended on my next move. I was afraid of him telling all his friends how I chickened out like a little girl even if he’d told me that he wasn’t like that. I didn’t want to answer – afraid to lie and afraid to tell him the truth.

“I…uh…well I don’t really…” I started, desperately trying to string together something even remotely plausible to say, “I still want to do it with you. I just don’t really think now is a good time. Isn’t there that party tonight you wanted to go to? Mum probably wants me home anyway,”

Lies. It was all lies. He didn’t have to know but it still felt wrong. It was kind of lucky that there was a party on tonight though.

“I was going to make an appearance,” he sighed, “but I was hoping we could have a little…fun first”

He shot me a look as he placed my hand on his upper thigh and forced it closer and closer towards his crotch. It was obvious what he was implying. My heart sank. I knew I wasn’t going to be able to talk my way out of this one that easily.

“I have to urinate,”

Another lie. I leapt up, ashamed of my poor choice of words and made a run for the bathroom. I locked the door and flipped down the lid of the toilet so I could sit down, resting my head in my hands. This night really wasn’t going my way.

“Ri-Ri?” He yelled as he banged on the door, “Is everything okay?”

I flinched, holding back tears. I wasn’t ready and that was all there was to it.

Notes