Rebellious Love
The Secret Life of the British Teenager pt.2
Harry's POV
I sit next to the sleeping Selena with a sigh. I can't believe she didn't remember me. Gary, What the hell? I'm almost positive it was the alcohol running through her system, though. I mean, she has to remember me, I was her first time. I know I never stopped thinking about her. Three different girlfriends and years later, I've never forgotten that girl. I'm almost certain Selen is a partial reason I'm the way I am. Im not saying she's a bad influence or anything, quite the opposite.
Everyone just thinks I take a different girl home each night just because I can. While than might be a bit true, its not the real reason. The real reason is Selena. I try every night to forget about her.I have sex with different girls because thy help me forget about her. Sometimes I think: maybe this girl will be different, maybe she'll be like Selena. But they never are. It's just another slut. I hate myself.
Everyone is expecting me to be something I'm not. I don't know how to act anymore. I don't know who I am. Who am I supposed to be, what am I supposed to do? I don't know where I'm going with my life, because let's face it. I can't be in a boyband for the rest of my life. And once I'm not, I don't know what I'll do. Get high, get drunk, have sex, repeat. That looks about right. Im going to end up just like everyone says I will. A washed up, good-for-nothing.
I'm snapped back to reality by Zayn's voice. "Haz, you gonna sleep here orr...?" Zayn shoves his hands in his pockets.
"Erm. I guess I'll leave you alone..." I mutter, not wanting to leave. I really have no where else to go, but I think Zayn wants to just be alone with Selena. I don't want to leave him here with her though. Thinking of them together makes my heart drop. I can practically feel it in my shoes, getting kicked around. I know Zayns a good guy, better than me and Selena and him deserve each other.
But I don't want that. Not that I have a say in the matter. I just wish I could go back. To when I was genuinely happy. To when I didn't have to sleep with different girls to feel something. To when Selena and I were together.
Selena made me happy. I think those were the only times I felt true and real happiness. Now all I feel is numb. Nothing makes me happy anymore, Ive got everything I could possibl want and yet, I don't want it. All this money, this fame, it means nothing anymore.
Zayn looks at me with worry. He's always been so easy for me to read. Everyone thinks he's such a closed and mysterious person, but to me, I feel like I always know what he's thinking. I guess that's just because I'm close to him. I can see the closed look he has during interviews and such, but I have the same look. The poker face, if you will. But just now, Zayb looking at Selena, he's happy. Very happy. That pang of jealousy hits me like a semi truck once again. I can't see them together or I'll die. I have to go somewhere, I can't be here.
Yet I want to stay and see Selena. I want her to wake up and see me and embrace me and kiss me. I want her to tell me how much she missed me and how happy she is to see me and how she's sorry for leaving me to deal with the fame on my own. I want her to love me. I sound like a fucking baby but it's true. I just want someone to love me for ME. Harry, not THE Harry. Everyone loves the fake Harry that they make me out to be.
But no one would like the real me. Even if I could figure out who that was, they wouldn't. I dont even like me.
"Harry. I want you to stay. You don't have to leave silly, you can always stay with me," Zayn sits next to me and puts his arm around my shoulders.
Zayn is looking at me with his eyebrows furrowed. He is worried. And he should be. "I love you Harry, you better fucking know that." Zayn continues. I can feel tears starting to fill my eyes. I quickly blink them back, I'm not going to cry. I haven't cried in years, I'm no going to right now.
I groan and fake laugh. "Zayn, you're getting soft on me," I push his shoulder teasingly, but Zayn isnt taking my bullshit. I think he actually can tell how fucked up I am right now.
"You know I love you right? All of us do Harry. I dont know whats going on with you right now, but I swear if you do something stupid I'll fucking hurt you." Zayn raises his eyebrows at me. By "all of us" I know he means the rest of the boys and by "something stupid" he means like committing suicide. Like I said, easy to read.
I know Zayn loves me. Right? I know alot of people love me. I think... I'm not sure of anything anymore it seems.
"I know you love me..." I reply, looking in his eyes.
"Good. You better, you little fucker, if something happened to you, I'd fucking dig up your grave and scold you," I laugh lightly at that, knowing he probably would. "then I'd throw myself in there with you," Zayn continues.
"I love you too, Zayn." He stands up and embraces me in a hug. I laugh and push him away teasingly. "Look at us, being so mushy. Quick, someone put it on a card, this is a hallmark moment." Zayn rolls his eyes at my comment, but chuckles.
"You're such a cheeky little bastard, even when I try to be serious." He says and I shrug.
Selena mutters something in her sleep and rolls over. Unfortunately, the couch is only so big and she rolls right off it.
"Fuck, motherfucker!" Selena yells in pain. I laugh at her choice of words, yep she hasn't changed. She groans as she sits up and rubs her eyes.
"What the hell?" Selena looks around then understanding fills her eyes. "Oh yeah, I met a famous singer in a tattoo parlour and then we went to a gay bar and grinded... Normal night for me." Selena mutters, mostly to herself. She shakes her head like she's still trying to believe it.
"What? You guys went to a gay bar?..." I look at Zayn and he shrugs.
"Yeah, well I didnt know it was a gay bar until we got in there."
"Then Selena grinded on you?" I ask, disbelieving. Zayn just shrugs but a small smile forms on his lips.
"Kinky." I grin widely. Zayn laughs and shoves me lightly.
"Can you guys help me up?" Selena complains and giggles. She's still drunk as piss. I laugh, she definitely hasn't changed.
"Sorry love, should I take you home?" Zayn asks her. My insides turn in disappointment. I dont want her to leave.
"But we haven't even had sex yettttt," She whines, getting up from the floor and sits on Zayns lap. I'm flaming with jealousy, but I dont let it show. Zayn laughs nervously and takes Selena off his lap. Damn, he has alot more self control than me.
Selena pouts at him then turns to me with a huff. Shes mushed in between Zayn and I on the couch, with very little space. So she swings one leg over my waist and straddles me. Selena pouts that little pout and feel my willpower dwindling. And my bulge hardening. Shit... I squeeze my legs tighter, but I know Selena felt the affect she has on me. She grins and evil smirk.
"Zayn won't have sex with me it's quite frustrating you know?"
"Oh yeah, totally, Zayn never wants to have sex with me. So frustrating." I wink at her while Zayn chuckles.
"Damn straight." He huffs.
Selena is giggling like no tomorrow. "Won't yooooouuu have sex with meee Garrrry?"
"Course." I grin at her. No self control, I told you. However she still doesn't remember my name so that's a little off putting.
Zayn huffs and drags Selena off me. Selena protests a little but then snuggles into Zayns arms.
"You never let me have sex with anyone!" She whines and I laugh. Selena was always really horny whenever she was drunk which I found oddly hilarious.
"Maybe later, babe." Zayn chuckles and sets her on a different couch.
"Selena come here." I walk over to the bathroom and start to run the water in the sink. Selena stumbles over, giggling.
"Are we going to have steamy sex now Gary?"
"As much as I want to love, I dont think that would go over very well with Zayn." I reply.
The sink fills up with warm water and I gather all of Selena's hair back. She's not going to like me very much for this, but at least she'll be sober.
"What-" I cut her off by dunking her face in the water. She quickly let's back up, spluttering. "Fu-" I do it again, just for good measure.
"What the fuck?" She gasps out and swats my chest. I hand her a towel and she proceeds to dry her face. When she finally looks at me, recognition flashes in her eyes. Shes sober.
"H-Harry?"
I sit next to the sleeping Selena with a sigh. I can't believe she didn't remember me. Gary, What the hell? I'm almost positive it was the alcohol running through her system, though. I mean, she has to remember me, I was her first time. I know I never stopped thinking about her. Three different girlfriends and years later, I've never forgotten that girl. I'm almost certain Selen is a partial reason I'm the way I am. Im not saying she's a bad influence or anything, quite the opposite.
Everyone just thinks I take a different girl home each night just because I can. While than might be a bit true, its not the real reason. The real reason is Selena. I try every night to forget about her.I have sex with different girls because thy help me forget about her. Sometimes I think: maybe this girl will be different, maybe she'll be like Selena. But they never are. It's just another slut. I hate myself.
Everyone is expecting me to be something I'm not. I don't know how to act anymore. I don't know who I am. Who am I supposed to be, what am I supposed to do? I don't know where I'm going with my life, because let's face it. I can't be in a boyband for the rest of my life. And once I'm not, I don't know what I'll do. Get high, get drunk, have sex, repeat. That looks about right. Im going to end up just like everyone says I will. A washed up, good-for-nothing.
I'm snapped back to reality by Zayn's voice. "Haz, you gonna sleep here orr...?" Zayn shoves his hands in his pockets.
"Erm. I guess I'll leave you alone..." I mutter, not wanting to leave. I really have no where else to go, but I think Zayn wants to just be alone with Selena. I don't want to leave him here with her though. Thinking of them together makes my heart drop. I can practically feel it in my shoes, getting kicked around. I know Zayns a good guy, better than me and Selena and him deserve each other.
But I don't want that. Not that I have a say in the matter. I just wish I could go back. To when I was genuinely happy. To when I didn't have to sleep with different girls to feel something. To when Selena and I were together.
Selena made me happy. I think those were the only times I felt true and real happiness. Now all I feel is numb. Nothing makes me happy anymore, Ive got everything I could possibl want and yet, I don't want it. All this money, this fame, it means nothing anymore.
Zayn looks at me with worry. He's always been so easy for me to read. Everyone thinks he's such a closed and mysterious person, but to me, I feel like I always know what he's thinking. I guess that's just because I'm close to him. I can see the closed look he has during interviews and such, but I have the same look. The poker face, if you will. But just now, Zayb looking at Selena, he's happy. Very happy. That pang of jealousy hits me like a semi truck once again. I can't see them together or I'll die. I have to go somewhere, I can't be here.
Yet I want to stay and see Selena. I want her to wake up and see me and embrace me and kiss me. I want her to tell me how much she missed me and how happy she is to see me and how she's sorry for leaving me to deal with the fame on my own. I want her to love me. I sound like a fucking baby but it's true. I just want someone to love me for ME. Harry, not THE Harry. Everyone loves the fake Harry that they make me out to be.
But no one would like the real me. Even if I could figure out who that was, they wouldn't. I dont even like me.
"Harry. I want you to stay. You don't have to leave silly, you can always stay with me," Zayn sits next to me and puts his arm around my shoulders.
Zayn is looking at me with his eyebrows furrowed. He is worried. And he should be. "I love you Harry, you better fucking know that." Zayn continues. I can feel tears starting to fill my eyes. I quickly blink them back, I'm not going to cry. I haven't cried in years, I'm no going to right now.
I groan and fake laugh. "Zayn, you're getting soft on me," I push his shoulder teasingly, but Zayn isnt taking my bullshit. I think he actually can tell how fucked up I am right now.
"You know I love you right? All of us do Harry. I dont know whats going on with you right now, but I swear if you do something stupid I'll fucking hurt you." Zayn raises his eyebrows at me. By "all of us" I know he means the rest of the boys and by "something stupid" he means like committing suicide. Like I said, easy to read.
I know Zayn loves me. Right? I know alot of people love me. I think... I'm not sure of anything anymore it seems.
"I know you love me..." I reply, looking in his eyes.
"Good. You better, you little fucker, if something happened to you, I'd fucking dig up your grave and scold you," I laugh lightly at that, knowing he probably would. "then I'd throw myself in there with you," Zayn continues.
"I love you too, Zayn." He stands up and embraces me in a hug. I laugh and push him away teasingly. "Look at us, being so mushy. Quick, someone put it on a card, this is a hallmark moment." Zayn rolls his eyes at my comment, but chuckles.
"You're such a cheeky little bastard, even when I try to be serious." He says and I shrug.
Selena mutters something in her sleep and rolls over. Unfortunately, the couch is only so big and she rolls right off it.
"Fuck, motherfucker!" Selena yells in pain. I laugh at her choice of words, yep she hasn't changed. She groans as she sits up and rubs her eyes.
"What the hell?" Selena looks around then understanding fills her eyes. "Oh yeah, I met a famous singer in a tattoo parlour and then we went to a gay bar and grinded... Normal night for me." Selena mutters, mostly to herself. She shakes her head like she's still trying to believe it.
"What? You guys went to a gay bar?..." I look at Zayn and he shrugs.
"Yeah, well I didnt know it was a gay bar until we got in there."
"Then Selena grinded on you?" I ask, disbelieving. Zayn just shrugs but a small smile forms on his lips.
"Kinky." I grin widely. Zayn laughs and shoves me lightly.
"Can you guys help me up?" Selena complains and giggles. She's still drunk as piss. I laugh, she definitely hasn't changed.
"Sorry love, should I take you home?" Zayn asks her. My insides turn in disappointment. I dont want her to leave.
"But we haven't even had sex yettttt," She whines, getting up from the floor and sits on Zayns lap. I'm flaming with jealousy, but I dont let it show. Zayn laughs nervously and takes Selena off his lap. Damn, he has alot more self control than me.
Selena pouts at him then turns to me with a huff. Shes mushed in between Zayn and I on the couch, with very little space. So she swings one leg over my waist and straddles me. Selena pouts that little pout and feel my willpower dwindling. And my bulge hardening. Shit... I squeeze my legs tighter, but I know Selena felt the affect she has on me. She grins and evil smirk.
"Zayn won't have sex with me it's quite frustrating you know?"
"Oh yeah, totally, Zayn never wants to have sex with me. So frustrating." I wink at her while Zayn chuckles.
"Damn straight." He huffs.
Selena is giggling like no tomorrow. "Won't yooooouuu have sex with meee Garrrry?"
"Course." I grin at her. No self control, I told you. However she still doesn't remember my name so that's a little off putting.
Zayn huffs and drags Selena off me. Selena protests a little but then snuggles into Zayns arms.
"You never let me have sex with anyone!" She whines and I laugh. Selena was always really horny whenever she was drunk which I found oddly hilarious.
"Maybe later, babe." Zayn chuckles and sets her on a different couch.
"Selena come here." I walk over to the bathroom and start to run the water in the sink. Selena stumbles over, giggling.
"Are we going to have steamy sex now Gary?"
"As much as I want to love, I dont think that would go over very well with Zayn." I reply.
The sink fills up with warm water and I gather all of Selena's hair back. She's not going to like me very much for this, but at least she'll be sober.
"What-" I cut her off by dunking her face in the water. She quickly let's back up, spluttering. "Fu-" I do it again, just for good measure.
"What the fuck?" She gasps out and swats my chest. I hand her a towel and she proceeds to dry her face. When she finally looks at me, recognition flashes in her eyes. Shes sober.
"H-Harry?"
9/7/13