Social Casualty

*Luke* Chapter 14 2015

This is all my fault. Every single bit of it. I just want to see her, but they won’t let me. Amber comes back in after talking to Calum.
“He left,” she simply says.
“Where?” Hayley asks.
“I don’t know. Cal just said that he just needed some time and he would be back soon…” Amber replies. He left us. Why? He had a chance to see her!
I sit apart from everyone. I don’t want to be with them. I watch them and for some reason, I can’t hear anything. I feel like I’m underwater.
I watch Amber sit next to Michael, speaking quietly. Hayley and Ashton sit, speaking as well. Maddy’s nowhere to be seen. None of them look at me.
What would they do, if I killed myself? Would anyone care? Surrounded by people, with no one to talk to. Right now, I feel that way. You were given this life, because you are strong enough to live it. I am not. That’s the problem with being the strong one; no one offers you a hand. No one has ever, ever offered to help me. And it hurts. What defines us is how well we rise after falling. I have to stay strong. I feel like I’m waiting for something that isn’t going to happen. I feel like Reign won’t ever love me again. They will ignore you until they need you. Everyone does.
Good people are like candles; they burn themselves up to give others light. I feel like Hayley is that way. She confronted Maddy about all of this, and she didn’t have to. I love Hayley, like a sister, and I wish she didn’t have to go through this. She wants to, though. She wants to help us.
I don’t know. Can I leave them? Will they actually care? Maybe…maybe I’ll just try it. Just once. If Ashton can do it, why can’t I?
I can’t take it anymore. I’m crumbling under the pressure. I just want to fall back into that depression. It was numbing. It numbed everything and I just felt like I was…there. There’s no other way to explain it. I didn’t feel anything. I was just there. I need that again. I know that I’m already falling back. It’s coming over me again. It’s overtaking me.
There are two types of people. Those people who burn themselves up to give others light, like Hayley. And there are those people who burn others up to give themselves light, like me. I don’t want to be that way. If I sink back into my depression, I don’t have to worry. And that’s what sickens me.
It sickens me that I only do this to myself for my benefit. So I don’t have to worry. I should worry. A true person has to deal with this. I just don’t know how. I can’t do it, so I just simply say that I won’t.
Everyone says that you have to live your life. In the end, you should be able to say, “I swear, I lived.” I can’t though. I didn’t live.
The meaning of living is different than not dying. Living is getting out there, making a statement, making your mark, doing what you want to do. Not dying is simply just being here, not doing anything. I am simply, not dying. I don’t live my life. I’m just not dying. Yet, that is.
Sure, I might be “famous”, but that doesn’t mean anything. People think my life is perfect, when it’s not. I just feel horrible about everything. Especially myself. I feel like I’m not good enough. No one wants me. I already know that. No one needs to tell me again. Once is enough.
I should go home. I don’t want to just sit here. Waiting. It’s pointless, even though my life is pointless as well.
I stand up and walk out to my car. I get in and slowly drive to my house. I open the front door and collapse on my bed upstairs. I sit, just thinking.
Should I just slice my arms? End it? Or stay? If I stay, I could fix things. I could try and mend our relationship. I don’t think I could do it though. Reign doesn’t want me anymore. I don’t think that I should stay. She doesn’t want me…

*No One*

Luke stays at home, thinking about life and death. Should he stay? Should he go? He can’t figure it out. Hayley talks to Ashton about his sister, trying to get him to visit her. Michael and Amber simply talk about everything that has been going on. Maddy sits in her bedroom, staring at a wall. She doesn’t know what to think. Many hours are passing, quickly.
Reign remains unconscious, as Addy sits in a wheelchair in Reign’s room, holding her hand and praying. She prays that Reign will live. Reign actually was not ready to have someone see her. She is in horrible shape.
Calum arrives at the hospital and walks in. Andi is on her way to Sydney, not sure how she’s going to find him with the thousands of people in the city. Andi doesn’t even know why she needs to find him. She just does…

*Calum*

I run into the hospital. “Guys! Where’s Luke? Any news on the girls?” Hayley silently shakes her head.
“Luke left. We don’t know where he went,” Ash says.
“Can I see Reign now?” I ask. When I ask, a nurse is walking out, to my luck.
“Um, excuse me, Calum right?”
“Yeah, can I see my sister?” I ask, hopefully.
“I’m sorry, sir, but she is not in any shape to be seen. Adelaide has been sitting in her room for the past six hours, holding her hand and praying. Reign has been unconscious, but we will notify you when she wakes.” I can’t believe this. Why didn’t I see her before? I’m so stupid.
“Cal, just sit down,” Hayley says. She runs over to me and pulls me over to Ashton. She makes me sit beside him.
Ashton runs his hands through his rumpled hair and sighs. “I just want to see them,” he whispers.
“Me too,” I say.
“Someone needs to find Luke,” Michael says.
“I’ll go look for him,” Hayley says.
“I’ll come with you,” Michael says.
Hayley is always the first. She volunteers to help. She’s amazing. I don’t know, she just volunteers to help all of us, instead of worrying about herself.
*Michael*

Hayley and I walk out the door. “We should probably check his house first,” Hayley says. I nod and we drive there.
“Luke?” I say, when we walk in. No reply.
“Okay, you check downstairs and I’ll check upstairs,” Hayley says, and walks up the stairs.

*Hayley*

The first room I go to is Luke’s. I already know he’ll be there.
“Luke, tell me, what’s on your mind?”

Notes