Catching Red Eyes

I welcomed my bedroom and the rainy New York weather today. I curled up in between my pillows and blankets and tried to shut my eyes to the world that was surrounding me but every time I did, I saw his face. That haunting blank stare was burned in my eyelids. I tossed and turned in my bed waiting for the sweet release of sleep but it didn’t come.

I slowly got out of bed and walked into the kitchen. I heard Laurie’s TV on but didn’t feel like talking much. I poured myself a glass of water and something caught my eye. It was the clothing racks shoved inside our small hallway closet; they were sticking out from the side of the door. My eyes clouded as I realized that Laurie tried breaking down the racks to hide them. I opened the closet door the rest of the way and the endless amount of new clothes spilled out all over the floor. I had to admit the falling clothes was a terrible but brilliant metaphor for my present circumstances. I absentmindedly picked them back up and did my best to shove them back inside the closet.

Immediately, his smell enveloped me and I moved some of the clothes around and found one of Harry’s white t-shirts wrapped around a jacket. I brought it up to my face and inhaled. I inhaled him into my veins and felt him move through my bloodstream. I pulled off my shirt and replaced it with his and continued to move the clothes.

I winced as something sharp stabbed my finger. I pulled it back and realized it was a pair of broken sunglasses. My sunglasses. I knew it wasn’t Laurie’s fault that they broke when she tried putting the stuff away but it didn’t take away the pain and the anger that was bubbling to the surface. I found the other broken pieces and sat like a child wishing them back together.

Looped in the frame of the glasses was his ring. I quickly took it off and walked to my bedroom. I safely placed the ring and the broken sunglasses on my windowsill and laid back down. I didn’t try to stop my tears this time.

Somewhere between crying and staring at the items on my windowsill, I fell asleep. I dreamt of nothing.

I woke up to my dark bedroom and laughing coming from the living room. I recognized it as Laurie’s and sort of resented her for being able to laugh when I was trying to keep my sanity together within my four walls. I wanted to stay in my bed forever but I knew I had to eventually get up. I pulled myself up and opened my door.

“Hey sweetie.”

“Hey, Laur.”

“Want some dinner?”

Dinner? What time was it?

“It’s 9:30.”

Wait, 9:30 PM? I looked outside and sure enough it was pitch black out. I had slept the entire day. I couldn’t believe it but then again I guess I could.

“You slept the whole day. I kept making sure you were breathing.”

I shook my head and saw the kitchen table littered with Chinese takeout. I wanted to eat but felt nauseous thinking about bringing a fork to my mouth and swallowing.

“Row, eat. You look terrible.”

I waved her off and went to the bathroom. I switched on the light and saw a monster staring back. Wild hair, swollen red and puffy eyes, and I was still wearing Harry’s shirt. I should shower but I didn’t feel like it. I flipped off the light and went back into the kitchen. Laurie was watching me but I didn’t care. I felt like I could fall asleep again.

I closed my door and grabbed my phone. I refused to check any kind of social media because of the backlash I knew was there. I also didn’t want to see anything about Harry. Broken hearts are hard enough to deal with so adding immense popularity on top of that wasn’t making it easier. I never felt this kind of heart break in my 21 years and it sucked.
After quickly checking my email, I saw that I had a text message.

*I know I need to wait for you to come to me but please know how much I love and miss you Rowan Emerson. Forever, Harry*

I wanted so badly to message Harry back but a part of me couldn’t shake how he treated me. I hated knowing that those pictures surfaced of me but I am not perfect but I would also never do anything to hurt Harry. For him to make me feel the way he did was not fair. I would have never left Harry like he left me. I was crying again and hadn’t heard Laurie open my bedroom door. If I cared, I would probably jumped but I didn’t.

“Aw, Row. Sweetie, talk to me. I’m worried about you.”

“He doesn’t get it…he left me alone in that hotel room crying my eyes out. He just left and that hurt…so…so bad.”

“Hon, I know and that was so shitty but you also have to look at it from his point of view…he had people breathing down his neck about bad press and repercussions. I mean, the boy convinced them that he loved you enough for them to back off with that contract thingy and now this. His head was on his career and not you but you can’t be this upset at him for worrying about something that he worked really hard for. I know it sounds like I am taking his side but I am not. I just want you to see how it looks from an outsider’s point of view. I think you did the right thing by taking some space but I also think you two have something so real and so unique…don’t write him off forever, ok?”

I looked down at my hands and knew Laurie was right but it hurt too much. I also knew what would hurt more would be losing Harry. I grabbed my phone and quickly hit the send button.

Notes