Broken

"I am broken." I say to my therapist.

"Wow. I am really proud of you Kate. The first step is admitting that you have a problem." Ms.Spencer, my therapist smile at me.

The first step is not admitting that you have a problem. I knew from the start I had a problem when I switched to 3 different schools in the past year, I knew I had a problem. Or when I started to cut my self I knew I had a problem.

The first step is to cry. To just sit there and cry until it is physically impossible that you can't cry anymore. People think that crying is a sign of weakness, but honestly it shows how lost you are. Crying releases so much better stress and anxiety that is built in your body.

"How does it feel to finally admit it." Ms.Spencer says.

"I don't feel anything." I respond honestly as Ms.Spencer writes in her journal.

"What do you write in that journal?" I ask. Every class she scribbles things in her journal and I can't help but feel that every word In that journal is judging me.

"Just notes." She replies."You should keep one too."

"Why? I mean your whole job is to fix me, but as I mentioned before I am broken."

"Just because your broken does not mean you can't be fixed." Ms.Spencer says finally looking up from her note book.

"Most of the time when something is broken you throw it away, and when you throw it away you find something new to replace it with. Therefore all you need to do is throw me away and replace me." I say while Ms.Spencer just laughs at me.

"Maybe not all of you is broken. Maybe some of you can still be fixed. Our session is over Kate. Next session I want you to come with a a journal. Have a nice day Kate." Ms.Spencer smiles before grabbing her coat and leaving the room.

I hate therapy. Everyone treats me like I'm some handicap person who can't walk on their own. Everyone thinks that they need to hold my hand through everything. People seem to forget that I am seventeen and that I am fully capable of doing things on my own.

“Hi Honey, how was therapy?” My mom asks as she enters the room.

“Fine Mom.” I say leaving it at that.

“I wish I knew what went on in there.” My mother curiously says.

One thing that I actually like about therapy is that no one but me and Ms.Spencer knows what is going on. The only thing she can tell my mom is what medicine I should be taking or if I am improving or not.

“You're not going to know mom.” I huff.

“Fine.” My mother says.

The whole ride my Mother tries to make small talk with me. I don’t think she understands that I just don’t want to talk right now. I remember when my mother first found out that I was cutting. The first thing she said is, “How can you do this to yourself?" She did not even ask if I was ok, or why I was doing it. I’m still not sure if she was mad.

Pulling up to the drive I see a whole bunch of notes stuck to our condo door.

Before my Mom can even stop the car I run up to the door and grab the papers.

Bitch, slut,whore. They all say the same hurtful things.

"Kate are you ok? What do the papers say?" My mom says running after me.

"Nothing." I mumble going inside the house and running up to my room.

"AHHHH!" I scream ripping up the papers and throwing them in the trash.

I start to cry until I saw a small black figure come out the closet.
"Hey Oreo." I choke out stroking his head.

Oreo is my cat. I call him Oreo because he is black and white just like an Oreo.

"Hey Kate I am going to work. If you want to order yourself pizza there is money on top the fridge." My mom yells.

"Ok bye mom." I tell back before the door closes.


I would get messages like the ones on my door every day. Even when I changed my number or moved out of the state I would always get the same message about me being a slut or a whore. I’ve always tried to put the past behind me but it so hard because my life is a never ending cycle of crap.

I did not realize I was crying again till water started to hit the floor. I need a stress reliever.

Instantly pick up my phone and text my friend Niall.

Kate: Is there a party tonight?

Niall:There is a party every night.

Kate:Cool I'll be there text me the address.

Niall has always been there for me when know one is. I met him my first year of high school. He was pretty much a nerd. He met some guys got and couple tattoos and piercings. Niall may look like a bad guy but underneath all his tattoos and piercings is a huge softy.

I throw on my Nirvana tank top with some black leathers leggings.

I look a hot mess. I have gotten no sleep, and the bags underneath my eyes are the proof. I look like a disaster.

I put on a bit of concealer to hide the bags. I also use a bit of liquid eyeliner and mascara. I then pull my hair up into a high ponytail.

At least I look somewhat decent.

Niall texted me the address, and in 5 five minutes I was out of my house and at the party.

The first thing I noticed about the house was that it was Nialls parents vacation house. They don't really use it that much so that is where Niall throws his parties.

"Ehh Kate!" Nialls drunkenly states while draping his arm around my shoulder.

"Hey Ni." I say.

"Know what brings you to my party." He says while stumbling over himself.

"I need a blunt." I say.

"Hell no. Last time I gave you one you went a-wall trying to drive my car." Niall stammers.

"Please I am stressed . I just need one." I pleaded.

"No you cannot have one, but you can have a drink. Help yourself to a drink." Nialls says pointing to the variety of beers and vodka bottles.

"Fuck you." I say throwing up my middle finger at him while Niall just laughs me off.

"Hey babe you want a drink." A male voice says.

I turn around and see a dark haired boy standing behind the bar. He has a bottle of vodka in his hands.

"Umm yeah sure." I reply

"The name is Zayn." He says smiling

"Riley." I reply with a small smile.

Somehow Zayn making me one drink turns into five and I am pissed drunk.

"I should go home." I say to Zayn getting up from the bar stool.

"You’re drunk, where do you think your going." Zayn says reaching for my hand and pulling me back to the bar.

"Home." I reply bluntly.

I need to go home. I head feels like crap. I feel as if someone took a rock and slammed it into my head. My thoughts are cloudy, and I can barely conform a sentence.

"The least I can do is take you home." Zayn says smiling.

"Ok thanks." I say smiling.

"Yeah come with me I just need to get my keys." Zayn says grabbing my hand.

Zayn brings me into a room. He starts to look around for his keys before pushing me on the bed.

"Your are going to be so easy."

"What. I thought-I-i."

"You thought I was going to take you home. All I really wanted to do is take you on my bed." Zayn smirks while pushing me on the bed.

I try pushing him off but it does no good. I'm so weak. Why did I do this. I could have been at home with Oreo but instead I am being raped.

Zayn starts to remove my shirt.

"You’re perfect." Zayn mumbled kissing my ear. He traces the line above my boobs.

"Get the hell off her Zayn." A voice yells through the door.

"Shit." Zayn whispers underneath his breath.

Zayn got off of me only to get punched square in the jaw the guy in that was by the door. I just sat there. I did not want to get up. I physically couldn't.

"Don't touch a woman like that ever, ever again." The guy says gripping Zayn from his shirt color.

"Styles we have it out for you. Next time you fuck up shit. I will be coming after you."

"Get the fuck out of here." The man says throwing Zayn to the ground.

"Are you ok?" The man asks coming closer to me.

I flinch away from him. I could not help but cry. I just cried. No one has asks me if I'm ok in a long time....

Notes

first chapter. Hope you like it! Oh and lets not forget to thank @vanilla. for the cover!

xoxo,
sydni