The Sass Account
I don't think I've ever seen Louis Tomlinson so scared and serious before in my life. I don't have a clue what the hell is going on. Is he starting to remember that I'm Charlotte? If he knows I was Charlotte the entire time he probably won't believe it, this is my strong guess.
Then if he does, his reaction says everything.
I sat still, confused on what to do. He sat on his desk chair, staring at the ground. My body shook but I tried my best to hide it. If I grew scared then he'll get even more freaked out.
Why am I doing this to myself? I mean so what we met three years ago, said two words to each other, met over a month ago, reconnected and now, these feelings? So fucking what? The problem is if I just walk out of this room I take these feelings with me. No matter who I meet in life Louis will remain in my head and the harder I try to push him out of my heart, the more he'll always be there. I only wish I can tell him this, not be so afraid.
To be honest I don't think he wants anything to do with me right now. He isn't paying attention to me. If he's figured out that I am Charlotte, the depressed girl on Twitter confessing all of her problems/secrets to him, yammering on about Louis to no end, god, I sounded so obsessed. I should leave him alone. He doesn't look happy and he doesn't want to talk to me obviously. What am I supposed to do now? I don't know anything; I'm not in his head. Louis is so crazy secretive with what he says. Sometimes he says the most amazing things that make me really fall for him, other times I just want nothing to do with him, pretending to hate him was safer than what I feel now.
But this silence is worse than him saying all anything bad. I want him to speak to me but I know how guys are, which is why I stayed away from them. I avoided them for a while, it was easy. I got along with myself much better without all the drama. Even if Louis is Troy which he probably is, it makes the most sense really; I can't let these feelings take over me; no matter how strong they are. Sure it means something but when he is this quiet, I just want to fucking leave the scene. It scares me more than I want to admit.
I reached for my bra putting it on quickly under my shirt and scooted down the bed. I bit my lip as tears stung my eyes. Louis is still being so quiet. I can't fall for this guy. He's not for me. Nobody is for that matter. Not feeling anything is more ideal for me. I don't really think love will ever happen for me. I know I sound inherently cynical but I'm almost realistic. It doesn't happen for everyone. I suppose I was just temporarily distracted and Louis was the guy to make me almost believe in love. Now I am just a broken mess of feelings…I knew eventually it would lead to reality…
But I wanted to pretend he liked me as much as I liked him. The fantasy of this thrilled me I guess. It was fun to pretend something that will never happen. Only now the curtain is rising on this performance. I am just a clerk, nothing to offer anyone. I have no dreams, no goals and no real purpose. I just skate by on life bitterly and it's worked out fine for me since I was kicked out of the house at 16. That's the only secret I never told Troy, aka Louis. If Louis and the world found out who I really was, my dark past, what I had to do to survive those two years before I turned 18, it would ruin his life. I can't let that happen, because he doesn't deserve this.
He needs someone normal. Someone like Hannah. She was so good for him. The fans adored her. Plus Louis as Troy told me himself that he still loves her, he dreams of her. God, that hurts. Now I really feel like crying my eyes out and for a man I can't have. He isn't mine, what the fuck was I thinking? I suppose I got sucked too far into this fantasy to see straight. It's not me; I have to keep reminding myself that. He wouldn't choose me.
Horny and alone and maybe he feels a little sympathy towards me. I mean I don't come from a good family. My parents haven't spoken without a lawyer present in the room as a mediator since I was 12. The fights growing up were unbearable. Louis knew this, he knew everything about me and who was I to think he'd handle all of me? He doesn't accept me; he is just lonely and needed someone to talk to. It was all a lie and this was the truth.
What am I still doing here? Oh yeah, I'm afraid to move…but I have to, I know this. Come on Carrie, leave. Shit, this is Louis' nickname for me. Maybe he has nicknames for lots of girls, not that I'm anyone special in his life. I am really no one important. When I die no one will see my burial. It's inevitable, my fate. Being with Louis Tomlinson was a nice dream. I thought it was real.
Just go Carrie, get the fuck up and go. Leave his life; you were never in it, stop pretending it's real. Stop pretending you were enough. Go back to who you really are. Put the fucking wall back up. I cringed at the thought of doing that again. This has never happened to me before. I never had my vulnerable wounds exposed so brightly. My heart was open and I can't remember how to close it back up again. I can't.
Man, I really do love Louis, but I know he doesn't love me. It's over Carrie. Go back to your fake name, fake life and authentically real bitterness toward society. The safe world of unfeeling and zero promises. Don't try so hard to care. He doesn't love you. Nobody did, nobody does right now. Erase him like you know he's going to do to you eventually. Beat him to the punch, he deserves someone normal. You can do this. Will it. This is the only positive action that makes sense.
I stood up from the bed, slipping on my flats. I stood up straighter, smoothing my hair back out of my eyes. My fingers stayed there. I could still feel his fingers inside my hair; still feel his warmth radiating off of his hand when he pulled my hair back. It was a nice dream, yes, but like all dreams, like all fairytales, its over because it never was meant to last. It's been passed midnight long ago. I just wanted to keep it, because I really don't think I deserve him, even if at one point I wanted him, I really did. I fell for him. Not for his image, his money or his talent. I fell for this boy, this now man, his heart. I saw it that night. I saw something in him I didn't see in anyone. I saw his everything. I saw his disaster and I still fell.
But it's really over. Leave before it gets worse and you start looking pathetic. He still wasn't looking at me, not moving, it was like he was frozen in time. Someone put him on pause. He didn't flinch when I moved toward the door, I slowly backed out of the room, shivering, unsure of what to do but I knew this had to be done. I need to forget, start to forget all the times I thought he truly cared as if it meant something. It did, I saw his face, know his secrets, I accept him. Just didn't work the same way for me. He's not going after you, just go Carrie. Stop day-dreaming. It's fake just like your name.
I managed to walk to the closet to get my jacket, putting it on as fast as my shaky hands can accomplish. I went to the door and began opening it but a hand harshly slammed it shut.
"Don't. Even. Fucking. Try. It." Louis' breath brushed harsh against my neck.
I painfully swallowed. Oh no, that didn't sound very good. I dreaded what was about to happen next. Louis fingers rubbed me through my jeans. My ass was cupped; he slid his hand in the back of my jeans until he cupped my naked ass. I felt his fingers slid across suddenly moving skillfully between my legs, pressing into me through my panties. Fuck. Shit. Oh my god. Don't fall for it. He's just using you for a fuck. The way most guys do. They say "I love you" and you're—wait, Louis never said this to me. Saying those words are pretty pathetic anyway. They hold no real meaning until you show someone how you feel.
I was writhing; his fingers rubbed me through my panties even rougher now, picking up the pace. I can't stand this. I know what he's doing. He knows I fucking want this. As bad as this is I want him. Fuck him for knowing this and taking full advantage of it. His other hand went to unzip my jeans, pulling them down to my ankles. Oh fuck. Am I dreaming? What's going on? How can I allow this to happen?
I felt Louis come close to the crook of my neck, whispering haughtily against my skin. "Relax, it's OK…"
He licked a spot on my neck, planting his lips over the pulsating veins that were about to burst, he was so gentle with me. He wanted me to enjoy this as one of his fingers slowly slid inside my panties; I didn't like how amazing it felt to have him touch me that way. I hate that he was the reason I remained soaked since I saw him. I swallowed nervously as his fingers buried themselves inside my pussy. Oh my fucking god. This felt too good I had to bite my lip to keep from moaning. I felt him swirl his fingers inside then begin to pump themselves rapidly in and out of my cunt. Jesus. I thought I was drooling at this point.
"Louis…" I managed to say in a breathy voice. "Mmm…" Holy fuck I was sure gone.
I wasn't sure if I even said his name correctly. Was it Lewis or Loueh? Hell if I know, oh god, I think I might get really close to coming. I never cum. I can barely make myself cum. I don't think I ever pleasure myself much. Its bull shit. Even I don't know where my limits are. How would Louis? He seems to know me more than any guy out there. Women always fake orgasms, it's sad but true. I'm shocked that I don't need to with him. It helps that I really like him, that I know him and he turns me on more than anybody. He knows my body, this is so hilarious but guys aren't known to be good listeners. Louis seemed to put all those guys to shame. My hands wrapped around his neck instinctively and I felt his lips back on my neck, moaning from two forms of pleasure now.
I licked my lips and felt my face turned. My eyes opened to Louis' striking blue eyes.
"Enjoy it babe, don't hold back because I won't. You feel so, ugh, fucking good, love." He kissed me roughly as he stripped down my half and turned me around so I was facing him.
I could barely focus on anything other than what he was doing to me. I didn't want him to stop, the more he touched me, the better everything felt. I don't think I ever felt this alive before.
My jacket was removed quickly and my body was trapped against the wall. I almost sunk down but Louis pulled me back up to meet his eyes. He wanted to see the dazed look he was responsible for as he added another finger, began pumping and slowly pulling them in and out then faster at the same time. I grabbed his body for support, holding onto his shoulders, nails digging into his tough skin while staring at his determined face. Fuck, I've never seen anything hotter. I felt myself getting even more wetter watching his face contort. He groaned and grunted the louder my moans were. Shit, now I can't control anything. Louis has me completely at his mercy.
He pumped me extra fast now; my moans were getting the better of me and rising even higher in volume if at all possible. Oh shit, my body was shaking. I don't think I've ever felt like this before. Jesus Christ. He held onto me as my breathing got faster and shallower. Oh god I feel like I might faint. I've never felt so out of my body before, this must be all a dream. The way Louis is looking at me right now, I'd give anything to be with him forever. To be his, it feels like I am right now.
"Come now, do it, don't hold back on me, love." He grunted pumping in and out of me faster now; I could feel my legs start to shake. Oh fuck.
Little explosions were going on through my veins, I was cold but I felt hot, there was a white hot energy that streamed through my thighs and I knew I reached where I needed to be. I came hard, almost collapsing against him. I removed his jacket to kiss his neck, about to pay attention to him now, feeling his erected smashed painfully against my naked half when my eyes widened as my body felt lighter.
It wasn't over because Louis picked me up and carried me back to his bed, staring into my eyes as he brought his lips to touch mine, gently, so softly, I barely heard the sound of our lips smacking it was incredibly delicate. He was taking his time with this kiss, oh my god, Carrie, don't fall for him. Try to control yourself.
Louis laced our fingers together and leaning me back on his bed, coming to lie on top of me. I felt like he was claiming his territory. He looked feral, agile and extremely alert. He licked his lips slowly as his eyes trailed up my body to meet my shaking ones.
"Are you alright?"
I nodded almost too quickly, I wanted this. God I did. I wasn't drunk either; I really did want this with him. Why do I feel like he is not mine? Why do I feel like he can never be mine? I couldn't control my emotions well but I forced myself to do it. I had to hide everything. All my insecurities, though he knows all of them I still can't show them.
"Are you sure? Carrie?" I didn't realize my eyes drifting off until he spoke again.
"Yeah," I looked at him from the side of my eye. "I'm OK."
I really did have feelings for him. As far as my doubts go I have to forget them. Relax Carrie; Louis was right, stop hating yourself for feeling good.
He rolled over on his side of the bed with his arm around my stomach, my shirt was sliding up. He saw my eyes, looking at me very carefully. I really wanted to know what in the world was he thinking. Does he know who I am at all? He's not saying anything about it; he's just looking at me with glassy eyes sliding his fingers over the exposed skin of my belly. I shivered when he slid his hand in my shirt, was he waiting for me to do something?
I placed my hand over his about to reach up to me, why was I so scared?
"I've never been touched this way…" I confessed, his eyes followed me as I sat up slightly. "I don't know if I deserve to be."
Louis narrowed his eyes, confused at my words. "What do you mean? Of course you are. I want to make you feel good."
"Why?" I breathed out, looking in his direction.
His thumb touched my cheek, tracing my face until it rested on my chin. "Because you need me."
My eyes filled with tears but I couldn't spill them so I closed my eyes, turning my face. "I do…I want you, so badly."
I saw him smile from the corner of my eye and he leaned in close to my neck, kissing stray spots, along my jaw until I turned my face to him.
"I wanted you 3 years ago Caroline…I still want you." He hungrily lunged for my lips, kissing me, practically leaving me out of breath as I tried to match his pace. Louis wanted me. Wow…nobody has told me this ever. No guy, no friend. Really, I had nobody saying this to me and I never thought anyone would. He pulled away to whisper something in my ear.
"I don't think I stopped. I saw you, you were so scared before the show, I looked for you, thought about you everyday, I couldn't let you go, but I tried to forget you. I'm sorry I didn't remember you right away. I should have. I am so sorry babe." He hugged my stomach tightly, propping his chin on my stomach. I felt him sniff, oh no.
I touched his head, hugging him back, feeling myself really cornered with these intense fucking emotions.
I shook my head, still in utter shock that he would care to remember or even think of me. We barely met, it was so long ago. He's been with other girls, it just didn't make sense. Girls that had things to offer him. Why would he remember me? I am truly anonymous.
I smiled sadly; hardly getting the words out now. Laying here with him was enough for me but to hear this, hear more than I ever dreamed about with this guy. To talk to him on Twitter, know his secrets, get to know the real Louis, all the bad, the good and the embarrassing, to hear he wants me just as much as I want him is overwhelming. I almost can't understand how that's possible. I am such a basket case. How is he not seeing that?
And at the same time, he's here, I am here and I love him. We're together.
I shook my head again and kissed his hands. I was feeling so lovely out of nowhere, I kind of liked it. A sure break from the closed off, well-trained reserved me. I can't be that with Louis, he really knows me. He brought his hand to the back of my head, looking at me like he was about to ask me something, eyebrows rising.
"Will you let me make love to you?"
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