The Sass Account
I lay awake most of the night on her couch until I was sure she fell asleep. I had too much to think about to fall asleep. This was the same girl I was searching for at the auditions, before I was famous, before the world pretended to care who I was. Even though I had Hannah in my life and I was so happy, I was still looking for her face. So much was left unsaid. I barely had a real conversation with her and now, she's just so bitter. What happened to her that day? I hated myself for not going after her when she came to me, who knew she would appear later on in my life? Who knew she'd feel the way she does? I sure as shit didn't believe she cared so much about hating the group let alone me personally.
Who knew I would find her by herself at night on a beach in Santa Monica.
Who knew she actually thought of me too?
Did she really? I couldn't tell honestly. When she did it was mostly bad thoughts. She was green. She wanted this life. She didn't want to be ordinary anymore. Or…who knows? Tons of people want this life and would hardly admit to it. Getting inside her head is harder than anything. I don't know where her brain is.
When she fell asleep I carried her to her bed, slipping her body carefully in the covers. She looked peaceful so sound asleep. I relaxed when I stared at her for a few long moments. Not even sure when I decided it was enough. I look at her and I just want to know her. I wasn't thinking about anything else. When she turned on her side, her back faced me when she made this aberrant moan deep in her throat. I watched her in case she moved again. Nothing.
I sighed; I wasn't going to be getting any fucking sleep tonight.
I was faced with two simple options, ignore this girl completely, let her face her issues with a professional or stay as she requested.
I felt so torn. Maybe she was right about this life changing me. It's such a phenomenal life I really can't say that enough, but, I suffered the side effects. I think all of the guys in some way signed our souls to the devil when we signed that contact with Syco. Do I regret it all? So fucking hard to say. Why is this girl making me doubt myself suddenly? Sure people hated us but I was hardly affected by all the rumors and shit the fans would make up. Not until now.
But it's different because this girl knows me. Even though we've never talked before, we seem to know each other. She was just like me many years ago and now I am feeling like I did before the audition. Shit. What is she doing to me? I hardly know what to think is real anymore.
On the earning her name part? I don't know how far she'll allow me to go with that one. She may wake up the next morning, kick my ass out and get a restraining order.
Why did I care so much about knowing her name? It's just a name. Then again, I hide behind a cover too. My real name isn't known by the fans so well. People still believe its Louis William Tomlinson, but it's not what I was christened with. Louis Troy Austin is who I really am. My birthright anyway. And Charlotte, god knows where she is or what she's doing; she is knowing the real Louis. Now it's over I feel. This girl is not the same. Even if she said what I told Charlotte before, which is pure coincidence honestly. Mum used to say until you know someone you can't hate them.
Does that mean this girl deserves to hate me because I made it in a talent competition and she fell off the music radar? I can see her point. But I still think hate is such a strong option to go from.
The strange thing is I actually want to get to know this girl, whoever she is. As tough and challenging as it probably will be, I still want to. God help me.
Maybe this was easier than just waiting for someone to come online. Am I giving up on Charlotte? I hope she comes back. For now I have this girl. I saw something in her eyes. This intense need for someone to help her. I mean, I am not in a position to help anyone, psychologically speaking.
But earning someone's name? I don't know if anyone's ever said that to me before. On Twitter I'd get ridiculous messages from girls all over the country and in Europe, the most shallowest things you can think of. Then after mild amusement, I see their names and its boring after that. I know everything about them and I walk away.
I don't think anyone of the guys me included could really date a fan. As much as we say the opposite, it's a complete lie. I can't personally date a fan, though really, imagine that? Dating someone who already more or less knows everything about you? Most of the stuff she knows is what she reads anyway on Tumblr or Twitter anyway. Least not forget The Mirror and various similar outlets claiming to tell "the truth." I mean it's fucking crazy the lengths people will go just to know us because we're not five unattractive lads. It's like enough already. I am not interested in anyone right now.
I've barely been single for two months, that's like some record for me since I became well-known. Jeez, the levels people will go to be the girl in my life.
Can't someone just not want to be with me for once? I think I may have found her. I am sleeping on her couch, but she's not Charlotte. She's not that girl who knows the real me, or does she?
Shit I am so confused; I could use some fresh air. I got up from the couch, trying to be as quiet as I could and made my way to the balcony. I took my phone along with me. The one management knows of. My secret phone was in the car downstairs, buried in the glove compartment. I glanced at the phone in my hand. Should I?
I think my verified might be working but I wasn't interested in that right now. I had shut the mobile off days ago when Modest shunned me from the verified account and haven't reopened it since. Now I don't even care about it. I know fans will basically try and scratch their own eyes out if I don't tweet again, even if it's something stupid. I still had Troy. Harry was good to his word. I still got to keep Troy, on the off chance Charlie might come back. I hope she does.
I closed my eyes, biting my tongue as I switched on the mobile. If I went down to the car to get the phone I really wanted I'll make a lot of noise and I didn't want that.
I missed Charlotte so badly. I wanted to talk to her. Right now. I wanted to meet her, hear her voice and see her mannerisms. I wanted that girl. I wish she would come back.
When the phone finally loaded I waited for the Twitter app to function and instantly logged into Troy. I couldn't help myself. I smiled at what I saw the second everything came to focus.
Charlotte: I need you. I'm so sorry I logged off. Please forgive me. I don't know what to do anymore…please talk to me Troy!
I'm here. I shut the balcony door, I thought I heard movement from her room and shut the door even more closed. I turned off the alerts so the girl won't wake up. It's nearly 5am, I didn't want to take my chances but I was desperate. I needed Charlotte too.
Troy: I'm here. Please don't leave like that again. You scared me love :)
I had everything on silent so it only lit up when I got anything. New DM at 4:43am.
She's up! Yes…
Charlotte: I'll never do it again. Just had a rough time tonight. Please don't think it's you. I shouldn't have mentioned Hannah…
Troy: No it's not an issue anymore. I don't care about that. I'll answer whatever you want, anything at this point
Charlotte: :) It's not my place to ask. It's Louis' personal life, I shouldn't care if he talks to her or not
Troy: He doesn't. Not anymore
It's true. I haven't heard from Hannah in at least a year. I hear she's well though. Studying botany, making new friends back home, working with children, she's happy. So I hear from our mutual friends.
Charlotte: Does he still love her?
I can't lie about this, only my mum knows how I feel about Hannah and I never told anyone this, not even to the guys.
Troy: Part of him does…he has dreams about her
Charlotte: Oh…how do you know all this really? How close are you guys?
And in that moment, that's when I knew she liked me. I knew it. But I didn't have 100% assurance if she had feelings for me. A crush maybe for all I know. We're friends so it couldn't help to turn the tables and now ask her how she feels about me.
Troy: Babe, how do you feel about him?
Charlotte: Come on lol I don't feel anything about him…he still has feelings for his ex. You just said it
I cleared my throat. It was getting a bit cold out here, I debated going back inside but I stayed put. I think I was getting somewhere with her.
Troy: How do you feel about Louis love?
I waited a few long silences before she came back...this was a big deal. I had to know how she feels about me.
Charlotte: Oh God...please don't tell him OK?
Alright, I braced myself for what's to come next. I prayed it was good news.
Charlotte: I haven't stopped thinking about him since three years ago, I see his face everywhere. That's the truth
What? What is she talking about? Did we actually meet? What happened three years ago I wonder? Why couldn't she tell me? Did we meet before Hannah? What? That couldn't be possible. I was in England all that time. I was never in LA.
I found myself smiling as I gave an answer.
Troy: He'd be happy to hear this, trust me, tell me more, where did you meet?
Charlotte: A while ago, it was so long ago I thought he'd forget me, in fact I wish I never seen him ever
Wait a minute…something about this is fishy. It was too cold now to think. I stood up to go back inside and shut the sliding door quietly.
I stopped in place. Something about this story was making me shiver. Was she in England three years ago and we ran into each other somewhere? I had to know.
Troy: Tell me everything, Louis won't know anything
Charlotte: Troy I need to move on. He's still in love with Hannah. I can't tell you anymore about it. Hurts too much
Troy: Babe I wish you would, for me…I could just listen
Charlotte: He doesn't belong to me. What I felt years ago just isn't there anymore. And he doesn't want me
Yes he does! Just say it. Fucking say what you feel already. Why can't I be the one to say it's me? That I'm the guy she feels this way about? Jesus, what am I waiting for?
OK, no more games. I was going to say it. I was too deep into this, my hands were shaking and I knew it was time.
Charlotte: Hold on…
I jumped up when the girl's door opened. Her eyes were oddly bloodshot; she looked like she'd been crying, her hair was amiss.
"Louis…" She paused; she said it so quietly I forgot about my phone. "Three years ago, what do you remember, about me?"
What? I was taken aback by the question. It was already past 5am, I haven't slept, I was on the verge of telling Charlotte who I really am when this girl asks me about the fucking X-Factor auditions? I was so damn close.
I willed my head to make sense of everything. The look this girl was giving me was scaring me now.
I swallowed strangely, searching for the words I had before when I did remember what happened. Those flashes, think Louis. She's there, just say it.
"I just remember seeing you there. I never saw you after that day. I looked for you at boot camp when the group got put together. I wanted to tell you about the good news but you weren't there. That's it." I let out a huge chunk of air I was holding.
I was getting nervous again.
Her face changed. "That's it?" It was her turn to swallow like I had. I didn't understand why she was acting this way. Why she was looking so sullen, like someone punched the air out of her.
She backed up back inside her room, tears rolling down her cheeks. I moved to say something; I didn't know what else she wanted to hear. I tried again but she held her hand up.
"It's OK, that's all I wanted to know." Her voice had no color. The tone was dark and dangerous, she looked at the ground then picked up her eyes to lock on mine.
I moved closer but she harshly backed away further. "What's wrong? What happened?"
She stopped shaking and backing away, taking a deep breath. "I have to know something." She bit her lip. "Please…"
I was about to ask what she wanted to know when she walked toward me and held my face in her hands. My eyes went wide eyes as she gave me a wild look, she moved her face closer and closer until her lips touched mine in a strong, passionate kiss that smothered my heart.