The Sass Account
I don't really understand what just happened.
Let's try to break this night down: was about to have a meaningful conversation with Troy then Louis shows up out of nowhere to give me pain pills, then he fucking runs out?
Well didn't I want him to leave? I shouldn't have said stop, now he thinks I'm obsessed with his ass. I'm not a fucking fan! I don't care about his crappy music or his pretentious punk attitude he loves portraying. I don't care for posers.
The guy I saw at the auditions was a scared shitless little boy. Not this fake version of Louis he flaunts in front of the media.
Why am I caring so much about this whole thing? It's got nothing to do with me. His issues and insecurities are not my problem. I got enough shit going on in my life to worry about then an egotistical pop star who thinks he's having a stroke of conscious. Get over it.
I threw the bag on the couch and stomped over to the fridge, pulling out the rest of my beer. It's gonna be a long ass night, need to honker down and pray for daylight.
My phone beeped. I hoped it was who I wanted it to be. I hesitated before making a move. I went to grab it as I took a swig of my chilled Corona.
Troy: Sorry that took so long how are you?
Honestly? I don't know where to start. Crap on this, just bury it. He's normal Louis just isn't.
Charlotte: I'm alive. How's your night? Everything go OK?
I fixed my foot back onto the pillow putting my compress lightly on top. I winced when the pain shot up. No I wasn't going to reach for the pills. Doctor told me not to put ice on it and just let it heal naturally. Who cares? I felt bruises on the inside of the wrapped up bandage, I was kind of desperate to get my foot back. Going back to work, feel semi-productive. Never have more shocking thoughts ever came about.
My phone alerted again.
Troy: I don't wanna talk about it. It's done already. So what are you doing?
He makes it seem like it hurt him to talk about it. Oh well, it's dropped. I sure as shit didn't wanna rehash my night. Now it just got better.
Charlotte: Hmm, taking it easy. TV, boring stuff. How's your boy Louis? Where is he?
I actually wanted to know where he ran off to. Alright I probably shouldn't have brought him up since I just saw him but hell; he doesn't have to know that.
Troy: You got a crush on my boy don't you? Don't lie, you're a fan. Just admit it
Charlotte: I will deny that until my demise. I really can't stand the guy. Besides I asked all I wanted to
It's true. I have no desire to stalk the guy or give him my attention for a second. But why did I act that way around him? I acted so different when he was around. Almost like I actually car-
Whatever, I took a big gulp, swallowing the last of this night away. Just talk to Troy, ignore Louis. It's not one and the same.
Troy: Alright, dropping it. Let's not talk about him tonight. So what do you want to talk about then?
What do I wanna talk about? Well, I just want to relax right now. I don't think I can handle anymore surprises.
Charlotte: I don't know make me laugh I guess
Troy: Honestly, I'll try but I'm pretty dry tonight. I should have just talked to you :)
Charlotte: I'm flattered. I wish you had. So who are you staying with?
Troy: Me, myself and I. It's ok. Gets boring but it's a big change from England
Charlotte: I forgot you were English. You really don't seem like a stiff asshole
Troy: There's a compliment in there somewhere. I'll take it xx
I looked away and saw my ice cream on the table melting away. It's probably soup by now. I stood up to put it away in the freezer then sat back down tending to my leg.
My phone had 2 DM messages. Wow. Guess he missed me in the 2.5 seconds I was away.
Troy: I'm just happy we're still talking, you know, if you don't wanna talk tonight I get it
I sighed, he was singeing my uneasiness too, how did he know?
Charlotte: Sorry I'm not myself tonight. Usually I give you more trouble. I'll try harder
Troy: Please do, it's a turn on XD
Charlotte: Is it? I was never into that cyber thing so I'm not gonna go there. No comment
Troy: It means I like it when you're being sarcastic. A lot of people in my life I don't know, I feel like LA sinks you faster than you can swim
Charlotte: *blushing* Sorry I just smiled, don't tell anyone ;) You actually cracked my heart, double don't tell anyone ;)
Troy: *hugs* I can linger if you like.
I drank the rest of my bottle walking up to toss it in the bin. My dingy old acoustic was staring at me again. Maybe it was me that can't look away. It's a life I tried for. X-Factor wasn't the first rejection I faced. I shared an amp with this Jamaican girl on Third Street Promenade who auditioned for The Voice and got pretty far, top 6 actually. I think the show let her go because she was unique and didn't try to sound like Mariah Carey, Whitney or Adele and dress like a 2 cent hooker to gain votes. Nice girl, she told me about playing renditions of covers on the show. Her roots were Jamaican Soul and I'd stay sometimes after my set to watch her do her thing. I guess the world isn't ready for unique.
Stuff like that always bothered me. A lot of good music sometimes doesn't want to be heard. I watched One Direction get bigger and bigger and wondered why I was even trying to get a break. That's the thing; I don't try, not anymore. I refuse to cater cowardly to the likes of Simon Cowell and Louis Walsh on who's talented in this world. What those idiots pick are cheese machines that will fade away just as fast as they reigned in.
Is music officially finished? My time in it is. I should just burn every song I've ever written and throw my acoustic in there too. Trying for this life brought me nothing but trouble. I feel like it's pointless to beat a dead horse when sheep are just going to be replicated. Louis Tomlinson is proof of that. He and his band are just a "Where are they now?" waiting to happen. It's only a matter of time before the world sees it. Teenage girls had it so made with past boy bands.
Or maybe they won't. Louis has serious psychological issues that I can't get involved in. Meeting him was the worst thing to happen to me in a long time, worst than the X-Factor failure? It's near that level.
Can't believe all these thoughts came from gawking at my guitar. This is where dreams ended for me. The last time I dreamed big. The final times I still had hope in my heart for my own happiness. Just like that; shattered. My mom immediately got me a job, told me to move out, basically grow the fuck up and that was that. That is not fun. This is the life I was given. If things are meant to be then they are.
I was meant to sing and write songs. The stacks of songs I accumulated over the years might as well be incinerated in a bonfire because I won't need them for anything. All the melodies I wrote while I was a street performer.
Back then I was known by a different girl. My birthright. I auditioned as this girl and that was buried away along with my passions years ago. I think I made minor history at Third Street for being the youngest singer/songwriter for daytime performers. That was the time I still believed in achieving my dreams. It just got too hard. My ultimate responsibilities were catching up to me. My parents were barely encouraging. My mom was never abusive but I still consider her jabs at cracking my confidence worse than a kick in the stomach. I'd rather I was beaten. Those fade fast. My own self worth, I told myself I'm not supposed to believe the cruelty. I had to manufacture my own sense of myself. My dad was always away, at work or fucking the youngest piece of grade school trash that swarmed near him.
The X-Factor audition wasn't his gift to me, it was a curse. I think success has a restraining order against me. I should just laugh at that because it sounds funny, even written on paper.
We're all alone. No matter what we do, we leave life alone. Why try when no one believes in you? I pushed myself all those years, pushed through the comments, my counselors in school saying I should choose the only three careers, which happen to be the most competitive options in the world: a doctor, lawyer and a journalist. Those are still the only three choices that are supposed to make us happy in life. To me they are death wishes. All I really wanted to do was write and perform my music. That's it.
I grabbed my guitar, stuffing it in a place where it won't keep staring back at me like a killer clown. Tears were about to drop down my cheeks but I willed them back. Crying won't change anything, this is me. I can't be happy.
My cell beeped. I almost forgot and rushed to check it.
Troy: OK, sorry I take it back #inappropriate
I shook my head vehemently.
Charlotte: Don't, please don't
I started to write, wiping my eyes. Was I really alone? I thought about what to write before saying anything. I can't believe he actually waited for me to reply.
Charlotte: don't take anything back if you mean it
Troy: I do. I do so badly
I smiled for the first time that night. I really smiled, through the emotions. Only he could make me smile.
Charlotte: I just feel crazy alone right now. You have no idea how happy you make me feel
Troy: You're the only person who deserves to be happy
Charlotte: Come on Troy. You matter too. We all do
Troy: I've gotten so used to looking after others, nobody worries about me
I had to know something, so I just went with it.
Charlotte: Why are you friends with Louis?
He didn't respond back to me right away like the rapid fire DM session we got going on.
Troy: He and I are more alike than you think
Charlotte: But he's so just so odd. He's rather strange. You're so different. I refuse to believe you're the same
Troy: Babe, we're practically twins XD
I laughed out loud at that; maybe that's probably what Louis confessed on one of those drunken interludes.
Charlotte: So you say :P
Troy: It's true! We like the same things, we feel the same things at the same time, we talk to each other when we need to, its mad lol
Charlotte: You're a lot wittier than he is. Don't tell him I said that ;)
Troy: Good to know :D
Charlotte: You couldn't possibly be the same. Louis takes himself too seriously, like yeah he really does
Troy: That right? What else don't you like about him? I thought I heard it all
Why is it so hard to get to know him, even some of his fans think he's a hermit. He's just peculiar. What did I really want to know in this moment about Louis Tomlinson?
Let's go with the obvious
Charlotte: Did he really love Eleanor?
A lot of people debate this. I say no. Not because of Harry Styles but it looks contrived. Every picture of them looked so calculated. Granted I haven't seen the collection of pap pictures but of the ones I have seen, they didn't look happy together at all.
Troy: I did
Charlotte: You loved her too? WTF? I asked if LOUIS really love her not his FRIEND
I'm starting to breath really fast now. Are people just obsessed with that deformed skeleton no matter what? What am I missing about this girl? What makes her so fucking special I wonder? I've seen prettier girls.
Troy: I mean HE did. He told me. It was real. Sorry, I'm outside having a drink
I exhaled strangely. That was close. I was so worried another guy would fawn over Kate Moss and Pete Doherty's aborted lovechild.
Charlotte: You scared me
Troy: Why's that?
Charlotte: She seems like the girl that guy's think they're in love with but it's a manipulation
Troy: Jealous of my mate's bird are we now love?
I rolled my eyes. I wanted to stop bring up Louis but I can't help it. Troy pulled it out of me. He just knows so much about the guy it's crazy. Plus getting this kind of dirt was making me feel uneasy now. Gag.
Charlotte: No way I'm not his type; I eat food, hate Starbucks, talk and my legs touch
Troy: LOL what about you? You don't think you'll get on with him? Personality-wise?
Judging by how it went tonight, I'd say nothing has changed. Doesn't matter what he did, he just ran out, like a coward. Just like I remember him, scared and far from this confident guy everyone sees him as.
Guys don't care about personality, especially Louis. Sometimes I really believe he's no different than Harry.
Charlotte: I'm completely not his type, on all levels
Troy: Well that's mean isn't it? What if you could talk to him, what'd you say?
I giggled before writing a DM back.
Charlotte: Have better taste in girlfriends? Lord, why would I ask him anything? Why would anyone?
Troy: If you like me, you'll like him I guarantee it :)
Cocky behavior is a turn off.
Charlotte: OK moving on you said you were outside, where?
Troy: Santa Monica, it's this pub I went to last week. Feels like home to me :)
Charlotte: You Brits and your obsession for the drink. Anyone hit on you in there? I assume it's crowded by smelly old people
Troy: Hit on? No I'm enjoying being single. I come here to relax. Believe it or not pubs can be relaxing
Charlotte: I totally get that. I'd rather nurse my drinks in the corner of said bar, away from any signs of life
Troy: There are a few people actually from the UK so it's nice
Charlotte: My dad's from the UK, the past 10 years, that was his home
Troy: Louis and my dad's are from Doncaster, imagine that? SO much in common
Charlotte: Get married in Paris, it's legal :P
Troy: And we're back to the gay jokes let it go woman! I'll never DM you again
Charlotte: Hardly a joke when it's true. I didn't bring him up this time
Troy: You know you don't mind ;;)
I blushed. I didn't, truth be told. Troy doesn't have to know that. Louis is a complicated guy now. Not me, least not anymore. I used to be this mysterious girl, now I say every thought in my head. People change. I can't help but how I react when Louis is brought up, even when I bring him up.
I remember his ex-girlfriend, Hannah; she was standing backstage watching his audition with wide eyes. I never met her but I heard she was polite. The producers of the show told her to stay backstage when Louis auditioned. I remember watching her sitting on the stairs, she looked sad but at the same time happy. Maybe she thought this was going to be the end of their relationship. The fans always liked Hannah; it was never split down the middle like it was with Eleanor. I understand not everyone is going to like who dates One Direction but there is something so superficial about Eleanor that always bothered me. She doesn't deserve death threats, but at the same time, the praise is so fucked up.
Nobody is that perfect so spare me the bull shit. I've addressed her looks, if people that is the most beautiful person in the world than they need to rethink their life choices. She always creeped me out even more than the Crypt Keeper. So what if she was a regular person? It's a vibe you get from someone even before they talk. Call it intuition but Eleanor always gave me bad ones. Not one ounce of her seemed authentic and I wondered how she could afford all those expensive clothes being a University student. Louis must have footed the bill on her every wish and whim like she was a princess. Then there's the alternative: suppose hooking was a side job for her, no wonder Louis was the one who ended it.
Charlotte: Does he ever think of his ex-gf Hannah?
I don't know why I wanted to know but it wouldn't leave my mind.
Troy: He does often. He's mentioned it a few times ..
Clearly he hasn't moved on since their breakup. First loves are so eternal. Part of me, a small minuet part, felt for him. Maybe that's why he felt so scared tonight.
Troy: Sorry, maybe you're right, I won't bring him up anymore
Charlotte: But hey now, I brought him up :) Just curious, have they talked since breaking up?
Troy: Can we talk about something else?
Like what? All of a sudden talking about girlfriends is off limits? Since when did asking questions on Louis' personal endeavors have rules?
Charlotte: What's wrong Troy?
Troy: Nothing's wrong! Look I'm sorry let's change the subject? Louis' personal life is just boring to chat about
Jesus, I pulled my phone back to make sure he wasn't kidding and I read it right. I wasn't prepared for Troy to get offended so quickly. I thought everything was out on the table.
Guess I was wrong. Hit a sore spot. But why was HE upset? Weird.
Charlotte: He is your friend, why are you so reticent to talk about his personal life now? A few nights back no question went unanswered?
Why did I ask him such an obvious question? Maybe he was involved in the breakup between them. Did he sleep with Hannah?
Troy: I just am it's gossip. It's not real conversation. Charlie, please, let's talk about something else? :)
I signed off Twitter and shut off my phone.
How dare he call me Charlie. Oh yeah, he doesn't even know.