Secrets

I woke up for the hundredth time tonight. The park bench was not comfortable in this cold weather. Wind whipped around me. Dogs howling, waking me up every couple of hours. Owls hooting. Loud bangs. Loud thuds. Noises that I hadn't been aware of because Idon't normally sleep out here like this. I had the mostinterruptedsleep of my whole life.
I knew I had to get up early off the park bench I couldn't get caught. I knew I was wanted. Everyone wanted me from state to state it's a wonder that they haven't actually caught me yet. Maybe it's just cause I keep out-smarting them time and time again or that I am one step ahead of them at all times.
It was freezing outside and I swear to God that it had been snowing or something at some point last night as I stood up and shook off the small amount of snow that was sinking into my already ripped clothes.
I rolled up the sleeves on myflanneletteshirt, exposing my elbows. I don't know why I did that to be honest. I instantly regretted it the moment the wind whipped around me again. I pulled them straight down again and refused to pull them up again.
I knew the one thing that I wouldn't be doing today.... talking to Harry or having anything to do with him at all. I was in a hateful mood and I definitely know why now.
It was for several reasons really. Reason one was Aaron being a complete tool and hitting me so bad but I knew that I shouldn't have trusted Harry. That's the one thing I regret now. I still owe Aaron that money and day-by-day my debt is getting larger. Something I don't think I can handle much longer. Reason two was Harry being a complete idiot and also a tool just like Aaron and telling me off and all of this stuff. You know what I really need? To find out something about Harry and hold it over him. Could I get any information on him? I knew that he seemedbadasstoo. I just want to find out more about him and I don't know why. And third was my addiction. I needed some more of what Aaron had but I knew he wouldn't give it to me because I was up to my eyeballs in debt already. He'd just laugh at me and walk away there was no point in trying at all. Maybe I'd find myself a new dealer?
I best be off I thought to myself as I walked slowly around the town, while the sun was still rising. I didn't really know where I could go. There weren't a lot of places in my mind that I could go to, to hide in.
Then it suddenly hit me. The perfect place. It was a good walk away though whichreallysucked and I knew Harry wouldn't even think to look for me there. It was in the opposite direction of where his hideaway was.
I picked up a bit of pace. Quickening my step but that didn't last long as pain shot up both legs again, causing me to go back to a slow walking pace.
After what seemed like centuries walking, I finally arrived at the small park that was dark still. No sun in sight. There were trees surrounding everywhere. Rocks scattered everywhere too. Some big rocks. Some small.
I lay on the green grass, on my back and just briefly closed my eyes as I started to think about a few things. Since it was much quiet over this part of the town, I could think clearly for the first time in awhile.
A few memories came back to my mind. Ones I thought that I had forgotten about.
*Flashback*
"You know how poor we are, right?" Crystal said,fidgetingin her pocket.
"No? I don't," I said looking at the ground, afraid to look my mother in the eyes.
"Well we don't have enough money to let you finish school. Your brother won't even be able to go to school and your sisters? They won't either," Crystal told mefiercely.
"Well maybe I could do something to help out around here?" I insisted.
"There's not really a lot you could do to make a lot of money here. Unless you were to get a job or something," Crystal said firmly.
"I'm up for that if it helps you out. What type of job do you think I should get?" I said promptly.
"Maybe we could sell you for sex or something. I heard that market it always open. Maybe you'd make enough to finish your schooling or something," Crystal swiftly replied.
"Sex? Really? I'm only 14! Are you fucking crazy?!" I scoffed.
"Language! For God's sake Louis I thought I raised you better than that!" Crystal explained.
"I'm not doing it! You can't make me!" I said angrily.
"Well if you want to still be living here then I don't think you have a choice. It's either here and being sold for sex or living in the streets or with a friend and you'd probably never see me again because I don't have enough to pay for much anymore," She stated grimly.
"I'll just move out then. I'm not being sold for sex at 14 year old!" I said firmly.
"Louis WilliamTomlinson, do you think that is the best decision for your brother and your sisters? Do you want them to have a future?" She stirred as she folded her arms over her chest.
"Mother! Do we really have to discuss this now?! I snapped.
"I want them to have a future! I just don't want to get dirty by doing stupid things to get money for you. Do you know how wrong it is to sell your young child for sex? What if my sisters ask me where I am going late at night? What if my brother asks me why I'm not around to play cars with him? I can't just tell him I'm out making a living at 14 cause he'll want to do the same thing when he turns 14. Don't you get that?" I finished.
"How about we just keep it our little secret, Louis? If you go outand getpaid for sex then so be it. A lot of people do it for extra money," She stated.
"Yes, a lot of people do it but not 14 yearolds. More like 20 yearoldsor something like that. 14 yearoldsare meant to be hanging out with their friends and eyeing off hot girls and playing play station all night against their friends or staying up late watching movies or television and what do you want me to do mother? You want me to use myself for sex? You want me to give up my virginity to some stranger? You always told me to wait til you were married before you 'give' yourself to your partner," I interrogated.
"Well Louis, desperate times call for some to do one for the team. I'm not going to ask you again. Will you go out and earn some money?" She spoke fiercely.
I nodded my head in defeat to her. There was no way that I could say no. She'd force me to do it in the end I had no choice. Least my brother and sisters might have a future now. Mine's screwed though.
I walked away from her and went into my bedroom and fell down face first on my single bed'smattress. My brother looked up at me.
"Are you okay Louis?" He said sitting up and moving a little closer to where I was lying.
"Yeah I'm fine. I just need a minute to think about a few things," I told my brother promptly, he jumped off the bed and headed out to another room, probably to talk to his mum.
"Why me!" I screamed out into my pillow.
So I was going to be considered a slutty prostitute at age 14. What a wonderful name to call myself. I bet in the year book under my fucking name it will have 'LouisTomlinson- Doncaster's Finest ChildProstitute.'
*Flashback Over*
What I was thinking about really hurt me. I didn'trealisehow hard it was to play those memories over in my mind after filing them away in the back of my mind. I didn't want to have to go back and resurface them anytime soon but I guess when you are all alone and sitting in the middle of the park while the sun was rising that you didn't have a choice.
Do you know what else today is?
It's my mother's 3rdanniversary. The 3rdanniversaryof her death. Today, 3 years ago I murdered her for all the hell she put me through whilst growing up. The sex slave she made me become. The fact that my father left her because she was a bitch. The fact that since all the kids aregrownup now and married and had nothing to do with her before she was murdered. The kids hated her too. I wouldn't blame her if she forced them into sex slaves too.
I felt a warm tear drip down my face. Maybe I was truly sorry that I did kill her. She didn't deserve it did she? She did though.
*Flashback*
"Hey Louis meet Steve, he's staying over tonight," Crystal said as she kissed him on his lips and dragged him towards the bedroom.
"Not again mum! For God's sake you have like eight men in a week! How the hell do you remember all their names? Are you sure his name is Steve?" I stirred.
"My name isn't Steve! It's Jim," The man yelled out.
"Whatever your name is I don't really care. I'm only using you for enjoyment you know that," Crystal said as she continued down the hallway to her bedroom.
"Oh and Louis, look after your sisters and brother please. Feed them and then go watch a movie or play a game in your bedroom or something," She continued.
"Ewwmum that's gross. I didn't need to know about you and your enjoyment needs. God. I think I am scarred for life now after what you have just told me," I said fiercely
****
After 3 hours of my mother being in there with Steve or Jim or whatever his name was doing whatever they did. She finally came back out and Steve or Jim or whatever his name was left the place and only a few hours later there was another knock on the door. I answered it and there was another guy standing there.
"Mum, some random guy is here for you," I yelled out.
"Tell him to come in and I'll be out in a few moments," She hollered from back in the bedroom.
"Well Iuhmsuppose you can come in or whatever. She said she'd be out soon. Or I guess you could just go in there with her or something. I don't know," I slammed the door behind him as he walked in and went towards the bedroom door where she was.
I didn't see her for hours.
**Flashback Over*
She did deserve it. She told me to be exactly like she was. She was a slut. I was a slut. I ruined myhighschoolimage. From the good guy with good grades to the slut whose a prostitute and he's only 14. Then from that everything went downhill actually.
I started smoking weed. I started taking drugs. I tried to numb myself so I couldn't feel myself being to sexually active. I wasn't at the point of having 8 come over at once. I went to their houses and the most was 3 or 4 in a night for me but I still hated everything that I was doing.
I was not myself at all. I was becoming something that I didn't want to be. I was becoming exactly like my mother wanted me to be.
The drugs got more and more frequent. The smoking everyday. Two, three and four times a day became ten, eleven and twelve times a day. Then all my money I was making and meant to be giving my mother. I was using for drugs.
Until I didn't want that life anymore. I didn't want to be sold for sex. The addictions all stayed though. See how things from earlier on in your life can impact yourself when you are like thirty? I regret everything. I should have just stayed with a friend or something and did what she said.
I look back now and wish I just ran away.
I wouldn't turn out like how I did now.
I'd be normal.
I'd be in college or university.
I'd be studying.
I'd have a better job.
I wouldn't be in debt.
I'd have a life.
I'd have something worth living for.
Possibly even would have a girlfriend.
Maybe I should go back to being a prostitute. Earn myself some more money or something like the older days.
Now I have nothing apart form a debt, a insane friend whoexperimentson me (would you actually call him a friend or a mad scientist?) and an addiction that is leaving a hole in myself and eating away all of my money.
No one said that life would be easy.
But then there is my life and it is a complete and utter screwed up mess that just keeps getting worse and worse.

Notes