Constructive Criticism ahead with Bloody Reviews

Hey,

so here all the little things I noticed in your story that might help you make it even better next time.

Well the first paragraph is kind of like a bomb explosion. I mean sex, pregnant, best friend, drunk and party shouldn’t be in the same paragraph. But somehow you make it happen and weirdly it actually works :)

Okay, well next weird thing why isn’t she going to school? You hardly notice a pregnancy at 3 months, well it depends on how you dress I guess (watch Desperate Housewives if you haven’t already seen it :P) the cloths you chose aren’t exactly the one a pregnant woman would, if she wants to hide it ^^.

It’s still quite funny how she meets Liam spilling coffee on him ^^ quite cliche but I guess we’re suckers for it anyway ^^

Be careful with your conjugation (especially past tense)

chap 3: a long day? she just went to Starbucks and met Niall? She’s a pregnant teen, I believe she’s a bit stronger than that :P

there’s honestly no need for the (*skip the car ride*) or (*skip the appointment*). You should be able to weave it in your text. For exemple: After the appointment, … As soon as we arrived…
As I pointed out earlier there are a few errors… especially concerning time( for exemple: So I was reading chapter 16 and suddenly she goes into labor but she only a few months pregnant a few chapters ago?), past tense and doctor appointments (you don’t need on every second day ^^)

and there are quite a lot of mistakes concerning spelling and grammar but again no biggie (remember proof reading is always important) don’t worry I usually forget as well ^^ important: accepted is not the same as expected (you often confuse the two in your chapters)

I like the story but people wanting to hang themselves, and are beaten to the point of having their arm broken (and not treated) is a bit extreme and overdramatic.

Somehow the relationships evolve too quickly, you can take your time describing something instead of jumping from one situation to another. :) The characters are in a difficult position and it’s not going to be fine in just a few sentences (again have you seen Vampire Diaries or Gossip Girl? they take time to treat every matter thoroughly (maybe even a bit too much sometimes))
Okay so let’s talk about labor? why don’t you describe her feelings of motherhood and pain, but pure happiness etc… You don’t really emphasise on what Nicole is probably feeling in this moment ^^ she doesn’t care about baby voice James is using or hope for Niall’s Love, she only sees her baby girl, the one she carried for 9 months. All the pain she had to endure but forgot the moment Jenna was on her belIy. The sparkles in her eyes and sweat drops on her face. The redness on her face. The blood she doesn’t care about. The new world she just entered. It her baby, her only daughter she loves and almost worships.

You only stay in the cliché feelings of Love not really learning to give other emotions to your characters. You’re a great writer or at least you have the skills to write a good story and believe in yourself a bit more. But I think that you should use that talent to “get to know your characters” better. :)

However I will add that the brother James has some cute lines in this scene.

You try to convey all the feelings through the dialog the characters are having, but I believe you can say so much more if you take the time to describe them. The dialog isn’t the entire story and it shouldn’t be the main objective. Indeed, if you want to convey something in an even better way, you need to give your story depth.

James should file a law suit for parental abuse and have session with a therapist, that would the most realist option for him :) As a witness and also victim of neglect Nicole could also file a suit since she’s probably a minor (I don’t know about that though). Also if the mother is drinking she has no legal right to claim her son if she can’t take care of him :) So in the end, there’s no way the Mother could have had that court order. (First of all they should first all be in court together and fight over this before there any final verdict such as a court order.)

But I like the dramatic dimension. The idea is very good it’s a twist I wouldn’t have thought of, you just need to take more time or words to built of to it. I didn’t expect the mother to be back in the picture so I guess that was a very pleasant surprise !

Again the encounter between Nicole and Jenna isn’t very believable. She just had a child and she completely forgets about it? A new mother would care if she gets killed ^^ You need to be careful not to rush and take every single thing into consideration when you act (watch Revenge, they are awesome!!). The ideas are raw diamond but you need to cut it before you publish it as your final paper :)

You don’t go straight home after you had a concussion ^^ she’ll probably have to stay the entire day there and do a testimony for child abuse to the police. And when they discover she has extreme memory loss she’s definitly going to stay in for a lot more tests ^^

Again the memory loss was a great idea but you rushed it, to have an happy ending ^^
So the whole fandom starts of quite well, even if it’s a bit extreme to the point that James get’s his wrist broken. But I think it’s good idea even if isn’t very original :)

Overall: I really enjoyed the story. It was entertaining but be carful not to rush from one situation to another! Otherwise I think you have a real talent as a storyteller but you should work on your writing :D Take your time to describe the feelings of the different characters ^^

Hope it will help you in the futur

Lot's of love

Chloe xoxo

Notes

If you still have questions I don't mind just sent them to me ^^