Constructive Criticism ahead with Bloody Reviews

3 AM

So these are few little tips that can make your story even better, because I really enjoyed reading it, it was cute sweet and slightly a hint of pure love :) But beware, cliches are right around the corner if your not careful ^^

So here a small list following your different chapters:

I think the introduction a bit short, I would add a few sentences (but not too long either), 3 should be good.

Chap 1:
The story's beginning intriguing, different from what can usually be read^^
really nice to have a normal beginning which puts all the variables in place (if you understand what I mean by that) we get to understand hat kind of girl she is, catch a glimpse of her personality, her habits etc...

Chap 2: It’s weird because you kind of feel the different writing style, be carful not to make any misinterpretations. Anyway I like the fact that there’s a unexpected accident, and it’s great to be leaving the suspens at the end of the chapters. But the accident is maybe a bit sudden and out of nowhere, I believe you should work up to your turning points a bit more :)
Also in general I think you could make your chapters juste a tiny bit longer, don’t be scared to go into details, after all we want to read your story when we click on it.

Chap 3: Way to short!! and it’s tightS not tight ^^no biggie don’t worry about it :)

Chap 4: “the loveliest thing you laid your eyes on” can be a puppy or a cute cat, even a stylish mug, but not a Boy or Man ^^ you can’t have a “smile pressed upon your lips” it isn’t english.

Chap 5: it’s not very realistic that somebody calls a stranger calling at 3 in the morning beautiful. Then again if we had heard a conversation made it would have made a bit more sense. Nonetheless, I like the cute style but don’t try to be over-dramatic

Chap 6: Here’s a little misinterpretation, in the previous chapter you show us a shy little Kinsley and now she really really really wants to Harry but without the awkwardness she had before. At the I thinks it’s a bit too much to say he “melted her heart”, because it’s as if your not ailing about the same person as before ^^ You made us understand that they built a relationship on the late night phone calls. Don’t you think it’s a bit superficial to say that say that they she is suddenly madly in love with him?

It’s a bit late now, but I would have enjoyed reading one of their conversation before the accident, a real one. Maybe one were he talks about the family problems he’s mentioning. Maybe you haven’t figured it out yourself but I think it would have set the base and helped you describe her feelings when she discovers he’s in the hospital and then how he looks like. The reader would have also had the “surprise” (we know it’s Harry duh). However it would have given the story a bit more depths

Overall: I still say it’s a nice story which is cute and has a sweet storyline. Be careful not to fall into the cliche ideals of a fan fiction ^^

But I liked it and hope this was of any help for your futur Chapters.

Lot’s of Love

Chloe

Notes

hope you liked it and that it actually helped you :)