Darling I'm No Angel

I think something is wrong with me. I'm present but I'm not here. He's talking to me but I hear nothing. I miss him but he's in front of me. Is it wrong of me to want the clock to rewind? To get another chance with him again. That thought alone solidifies I am insane. I'm in love with a version of Harry that only existed in my head.
I wrote that last sentence with my ink pen hanging in midair. Pandering carefully my next words. Before I was released from the hospital I was given a journal to start off with. I was asked to write down nonsense and the clutter that circled in my head. This was the beginning of my supposed "Healing Process", whatever that meant. I mostly just feeled the pages with drawings. After all as an artist that was my medicine. Though I can't forget my Eszopiclone to help me sleep. I'm a fucking cliche in the making. Great.

"We should be taking off soon." Harry leaned in to kiss my forehead ,but quickly decided against it. Harry sat in the seat across from me. He buckled in his seat and rested on his right arm while placing two fingers across lips fixating his eyes on mine.

"Is this a seduction tactic?" I asked him, while tossing the pen between the bindings of the leather bound journal and closing it in my lap.

"What the hell are we doing?" He asked.

"Oh isn't this us running away? I thought we were two crazy kids in love." I told him sarcastically. There was a moment of silence in between.

"Well one of us is." Harry said somberly. I turned my view to the left of me and watched as the runway disappeared beneath us. "You still carry feelings for him?"

My head snapped back to focus on Harry. "What?" I asked confused.

"I know the night things went to shit I went mental during that fight, but we are passed that right?" He asked leaning towards me in his seat. Searching in my mind for a plausible explanation why he was bringing this up boggled me.

"Zayn?" I whispered.

"Who else?" His tone getting louder. I didn't like how upset Harry was becoming and I may not fully remember what happened last year the night of our accident. But I wasn't going to let Harry lose his temper on me.

"What are you even talking about?" I said raising my tone to match his. Loud enough for two whispering flight attendants to turn around and look at us.

"Victoria I remember how you two use to be around each other."

"Harry we were just friends! After my grandmother died he was there! And finally he's probably happily married to that singer by now." I said catching my breath.

Harry sighed. " They never even made it to the I do's."

"Are you saying it's my fault?"

"No, but. . ."

"But what?" I pressed.

"I saw the way he used to looked at you." Harry admitted. I looked at him and he looked at me and you could see plainly in his face he was hurting and exhausted.

"Well did you see the way I used to look at you?" I said getting choked up.

"Key words used to." Harry said sitting back in his seat. "That's not what I meant Harry."

"I love you. So much and it won't just go away like footprints in the sand. But I can't make you love me."

"So what do we do?" I asked swiping a tear away with my finger."

Notes