Pretend It's Ok

*Melinda*

I woke up in the morning feeling like a ton of bricks was placed on my chest. I couldn't move my torso nor could I feel my fingers. I could feel the tips of my fingers brush the cold side of the bed - Zayn's side. I had no strength to leave my bed whatsoever. I stared at the ceiling expressionless with my lips slightly parted. The cool air from the crack left open from the window seeped underneath my blanket caressing my bare legs. I knew the air had been extremely chilly yet I felt numb to everything. With each breath escaping my mouth I felt a pang in my chest. It was hard to bare but I couldn't do a thing about it.

Silence. All there had been was silence around me. That's how it had been since Zayn walked out the door.

My anxiety had been acting up, but not so severely - at least that's what I thought or liked to believe. I hadn't slept right since Zayn left to sleep at Niall's - which had been three days - so, I knew my eyes weren't looking any better either. I turned over onto his side which was colder than the air entering through the crack of the window. Resting on his pillow, I could smell of his hair gel seep into my nose filling me with anguish. I laid on his side for what felt like hours. I hadn't noticed just how much he effected me. My eyes teared uncontrollably. I couldn't help but let the tears rolls down from my eyes to the side of nose and drop onto his pillow. I held onto one of his throw pillows as if it had been him. I closed my eyes feeling the stinging sensation return.

I also hadn't realized how much emptier it was without him. Usually the mornings were filled with the blissful and soulful sounds of Zayn's voice echoing from the shower, the continuous questions of where his stuff was and what it was that I made for breakfast.

My days weren't much easier than my nights either.

Everything around me wasn't as bright and vibrant like it used to be. The fall leaves were colorless from the view of our...my bedroom window. Everything I made was tasteless and could never fill my appetite. Every sip of liquid that rolled down my throat couldn't quench my thirst. I felt as if I was left out in the open, isolated, a helpless baby lion cub... for anyone to snatch me and harm my every being. With Zayn around I felt protected. With Zayn around I felt wanted. With Zayn around I felt loved regardless of the situation. When Zayn was around...I felt....

Untouchable.

I struggled to get out of my bed holding my chest tightly wincing at the sudden shock. The pain was unbearable. I couldn't straighten my posture without feeling a sharp pain running up and down my spine. I held onto the night stand near the bed for support to support my weight - not like there was much of that either. I had dropped massive weight within these three days. My head spun quickly almost dropping me back onto the bed.

"What the...", I said placing my hand on my head closing my eyes waiting for them to get back into focus.

I shook the sudden dizziness off continuing the routine. I checked my phone for any texts or missed calls from Zayn. Alas, nothing. I felt the back of my eyes sting causing me to blink the oncoming headache.

I couldn't lie, I cried. I cried almost every hour waiting for the door to bust open. I was hoping to see him to step in and hold me in his arms. I never wanted to be one of those girls who relied on men, but this was different. Zayn is my husband. I needed him to be with me to cherish moments together; even if they were just sitting around in sweats watching Indian soaps. Without him, every second seemed like an eternity.

Every second felt like a year passing.

But on the other hand, I have to be tough. He was wrong...

Nevertheless, I continued the daily routine - even with a slight shock of pain in my lower chest every few minutes - by getting up to do household chores. Zayn's laundry still needed to be done, I had to clean the bathroom and had to go out for some grocery shopping as well.

I spent a little while longer folding his clothes than usual. His smell was seeped into his shirts and it became harder and harder to control everything piling in my chest. No matter how many times I cleaned his clothes, his scent refused to leave. I could feel the lump in my throat return heavier this time. I reached for the next item in front of me which happened to hit me harder than I expected. I held his black sweater in between my cold fingers. I stared at it as if it had been a ghost. I held it closer to me inhaling his signature aroma. A tear managed to escape my eye leaving me weak yet again. I curled into a fetal position holding onto his sweater crying hysterically into it leaving filled with tears.

"Come home...", I sob to myself. "Please come home.", I heave with force as it got harder to breathe.

After the emotionally painful housework was done and after my long shower, I got my knee-length trench coat and black knit beanie heading out the door with my flat keys. I need to head to the local grocery store for a few items.

Once I got into the streets of London, I felt the weather join the melancholy state my mind had been in. It was gloomy outside. The skies were covered in a thick blanket of gray and threatening to cry along with me. The trees were filled with yellow leaves falling every few seconds. The wind blew a lightly against me causing me to shiver a little - as if I could feel it anyway. My eyes were rimmed with kohl but were soon faded with the tears surrounding my waterline. The thought of how the weather was so familiar to when me and Zayn made everything official a year ago. The sound of the cars passing, the feel of the chilly air and the sounds of leaves blowing across the pavement reminded me of it all.

Everything reminded me of him. Everything.

I pushed back the tears and kept a straight face on. Paparazzi could've been anywhere ready to take any snapshot of me crying at any given moment. I did not want the bump in me and Zayn's marriage to be leaked anywhere in the media. Especially to my family. What went on between me and Zayn stayed between me and Zayn. I had a feeling the boys knew though. How could he hide it from his best friends - brothers actually - anyway.

I had mentioned it to Gharram - who seemed as if she had something major going on as well - already and her advice was the only advice she could give me.

Patience.

Sniffling and holding my jacket tighter to my body avoiding the cold, I made my way near the grocery store and before I could walk in I had spotted the news stand. A picture of Zayn had been on the cover which grabbed my attention.

"Zayn Malik's New Found Marital Status Too Much For Him?", and there underneath the headline was a picture of Zayn.

My eyes failed to move from the gray paper in front of me; as much as I told myself not to pay attention to it. I grabbed the newspaper into my now shaking hands. There Zayn was on the cover of The Sunday Times smiling with Perrie. Not just any smile. I hadn't seen Zayn smile like that in weeks. I couldn't make him grin that widely or happily and felt, as a wife, I wasn't doing my job properly. The pang in my chest hit me and caused me to lose balance slightly. I held myself up and stared blankly at the article. Without me realizing, a tear had dropped onto Zayn's face. How did I not have the power to make him happy like that? I sniffled holding my composure from breaking in public.

Perrie, I remembered, being humble and nice. Zayn wouldn't do anything behind my back... Would he?

No...

I shook my head lightly getting the thought of crying out of my head. I read a few of the words below the picture to understand what it was the author of the post was saying or assuming. I continued down the page making my heart beat faster than usual. My head spun again at the adjectives they had chosen in the article.

Date. Caught up. Reminiscing. Rekindle. Love.

I felt the weight of my body shift to the left. A flash caught my attention away from the paper below blinding me for what seemed like a while. "Smile for me."

I squinted my eyes that were now blinded by tiny specs from the flash, "Whoa..."

"Mrs. Malik, how do you feel about them saucy headlines?", a thick accented man asked with a camera lens in my face.

"What?", I said covering my eyes not hearing the question properly. My mind had trouble registering what was in front of me.

"Yeah, Melinda, tell us. Did you know about the affair?", another flash blinding my vision.

My heart rate picked up at a pace I hadn't been familiar with in a while. I felt another shock go through my veins. My finger tips felt numb to the touch and my feet were losing feeling as well. I was taken aback - literally. It had been hard holding my balance.

Affair. Affair? Zayn? Perrie? In an affair?

I could feel the banging of my heart against my rib cage only increasing the the struggle to breathe. It was as if my heart was fighting against me. I couldn't handle being strong for this much longer. I am human and there were certain extents that I couldn't deal with. The paper fell out of my hands as my grasp loosened. My knees slowly gave in with each ridiculous and heart shattering question.

"Is Zayn not satisfied with the marriage?"

"Was he forced into it? Did you pay him to marry you so that you could gain popularity?"

I could hear the faint snaps of cameras and questions being blurted around me. Tears were filling my eyes with confusion. Why me? Why do I have to suffer while Zayn is doing as he pleases without a care? I must endure all this pain for him...the one who is supposed to protect me and the one who promised to be by my side always.

I couldn't stop myself from crying anymore. The salty water droplets fell from my eyes within an instant. To think I had no more tears, after all that I have cried, left in me...I was wrong. I just wished Zayn was here to tell me it was all lies. To hold me tightly against his chest. To comfort me like how he use to. To carry me away from here, because I was in no state to walk on my own physically and emotionally.

'Where are you Zayn?'

My throat ran dry with a huge thick pain sitting in the back of it and to make matters worse, I couldn't see. I was imprisoned. My pulse didn't help much either. With each flash and question screamed at me, came another shooting sting to my chest. Their words were bullets and my shield was no where in sight.

Mrs. Zayn Malik was falling apart in the place where she dreaded she would the most and nothing can save her now.

All my fears had come alive and my rescuer was nowhere to be found. I just wanted to be held by him in this cold world of 'celebrity life'.

I felt everything around me darken. What the fuck is going on? My pulse quickened and I struggled to keep count of my breath. Counting each breath became useless. I looked up to the sky my eyes rolling back and with a gasp of retrieving air into my lungs came a thud. My surroundings were filled with nothing but black. I heard mumbling and a thud. I was on the ground. Knocked out cold with the last thought in my head.

"Where are you Zayn?"

Who said being inclined to a celebrity would be amazing?

Notes