When I followed Harry to the door, and he kissed me good-bye, I realized something.

I was in love with Harry.

***

The moment I closed the door behind Harry, I hurried to my bedroom to call Perrie.

She answered on the third ring. “Hello?”

“Perrie”, I started. “I know it’s late, but … could you come over? Like now?”

I heard her mumble something to someone else, probably Zayn, and then she said, “I’ll be there in five.”

“Thanks”, I said, and I knew she heard how grateful I was. I hated to interrupt her and Zayn now that they’d finally started dating, but I needed to talk to someone about this before I exploded, and I couldn’t exactly tell Harry. He’d run for the hills screaming.

Five minutes later, someone knocked on the door, and when I opened, I found not only Perrie, but El and Dani, too. They all hugged me when they saw me, and I don’t know how long we just stood there, with the door wide open, hugging.

The first one to pull away was Perrie. “Let’s go inside, and then you’ll tell us everything.” Her face told us she was serious, and we all went to the living room. I got us some drinks from the kitchen – nonalcoholic, or course – and then I started telling them.

“So”, I started, “you know I’ve been spending some time with Harry, right?” They all nodded, and I was hit by a wave of guilt when I realized I hadn’t been the one to tell them. I’d asked Perrie for advice, but that was it. She must’ve told El and Dani. I’d been a terrible friend lately. I shook my head to clear away those thoughts. I’d have to apologize later. At the moment, I had to focus on telling them, because I knew that if I didn’t do it now, I’d never do it. I took a deep breath before I continued. “He, uh, he took care of me when I had a concussion, and then yesterday, he took me on a date. He was really sweet.
“Today, after the signing, he came here. I was scared that it would be awkward after the date, but it wasn’t. He … He told me that he cares about me and that he … that he likes me. And then when he left, I … I realized that I … that I’m in love with him.”

Perrie, Dani and El looked at me silently for a few moments, their expressions sad for me, and something in me broke. The tears that I’d been fighting off throughout the whole story finally came, and there was nothing I could do to stop them.

Seeing their reactions to my feelings, it was a wake-up call. Perrie had told me to be careful, as had Luke, said that they didn’t want to see me hurt, but I hadn’t listened, and now it was too late. Maybe Harry really liked me, but I knew I wouldn’t be happy with like. It would never be enough, because I loved him. It would never work between us, because we didn’t want the same things. Maybe I wasn’t just a one night stand, or a possible one, anymore, but he certainly wasn’t ready for the things I wanted – needed. The realization hit my like a ton of bricks.

“Oh, sweetie”, Perrie said, and then they were all hugging me again. We sat there a while, until the tears came slower. They didn’t stop, and I suspected they wouldn’t stop any time soon.

Dani was the first to speak up. “It’ll be okay”, she said. “I don’t know how, but you will be alright. And I know this probably doesn’t help, but he’s an idiot. He doesn’t deserve you.”

It didn’t make it hurt any less. “What should I do?”

They were quiet for a while, before El spoke up. “Do what feels right”, she said. “I mean, we can give you as much advice as we want, but in the end, it has to be your decision, because you’re the one who will have to live with it. Do what you think will hurt less.”

Her advice only made me more confused. If I broke up with Harry – if we were even dating – then that would hurt like Hell, but if I didn’t, it would hurt being around him and knowing that, in the end, we could never work.

“You know what you need?” Perrie said, and when I shook my head, she continued. “You need a girls night out!”

That sounded like a terrible idea. “Not gonna happen”, I said. “You know I don’t drink.”

“Come on!” Perrie said. “It’ll be fun! And you need to relax. Get your thoughts away from Harry.”

I shook my head again. “Not a chance.”

But El and Dani quickly jumped on her idea, and they were three against one.

I sighed. “You suck”, I said, but we all knew I didn’t mean it.

They rushed into my bedroom to find something for me to wear, and settled on a black, short dress that I didn’t even know I owned. I must’ve bought it ages ago, and when I tried it on, my suspicions were confirmed. It looked more like a shirt than a dress, but it was impossible to fight with them. It must’ve been very old, though, since I hadn’t grown a millimeter since I was fourteen.

Perrie fixed my make-up, and El let out my hair, which was usually in a ponytail or a messy bun, and tousled it. When they were done, it was nearly impossible to recognize me.

I let them borrow some clothes from me, but most of my dressed looked way to short on them, who were several inches taller than me. When we were all done, we decided it was better to walk to the club, that wasn’t that far from my apartment.

When we arrived, the first stop was the bar. When it was my turn to order, I was seconds from ordering my usual – a coke – but then I decided that one drink couldn’t hurt, so I let Perrie order something.

I took a hesitant sip of it. It was fruity, and it was actually pretty good, so I finished it and ordered another one.

When I finished that one, too, Perrie stopped me. “Whoa, take it easy”, she said. “While we’re all happy that you’ve decided to live a little, you shouldn’t drink too much. You don’t want to get too drunk, and you don’t know how much you can take.”

We hit the dance floor, and for the first time in my life, I actually let go. Someone put their arms around my waist from behind, and I let them. I turned around and we danced together. I had fun.

Why haven’t I ever done this before? I wondered. This is so fun! I completely forgot about all the heartbreak over Harry, and I never wanted it to end.

We took a break, and he bought me a drink. Then we continued dancing. When he wanted to go someplace quieter, I let him lead me to some dark hallway, or something. I didn’t really look. And when he started kissing me, I didn’t stop him. I kissed him back. He tasted like beer.

His hands started to travel down from my waist, to my thighs, and then under my dress, and I froze. He pulled away a little, and looked at me, confused. We didn’t move for a second. Then I leaned in and kissed him.

That is, until he was suddenly gone. It took a moment for me to realize he wasn’t actually gone; he’d just been thrown a few feet away, by none less than Harry himself. Perrie stood a little away, and she looked so terrified and sad. I’m sorry, she mouthed to me.

I tried to give her a reassuring smile, but I think it looked more like a grimace.

I think Harry said something to the stranger that I’d been making out with, and I realized I didn’t even know his name. It dawned on me how stupid I had acted, and I knew the slight regret I felt for what I’d done that night would be a hundred times worse the next day.

The stranger hurried off, clearly in a hurry to get away, from me or from Harry was unclear. He didn’t even glance in my direction when he disappeared into the crowd.

Harry then turned to me, and I wanted to just disappear. I’d been worried he’d be angry with me, and he had every right to be, but that wasn’t what I saw in his eyes. That look … It was worse than any anger I could’ve ever faced. He didn’t look angry at all. He looked confused, hurt, disappointed. It broke my heart into a million pieces.

He opened his mouth to say something, but Perrie came to my rescue.

“We should probably get her home”, she told Harry, and he moved his gaze to her. He opened his mouth to protest, probably to ask to talk to me. Or to tell me to go to Hell, which he had every right to. God, I had messed up.

Perrie’s eyes softened, but she didn’t give in. “You two can talk tomorrow. Right now, she’s not in the right condition to have a proper conversation.”

I wanted to feel insulted by her statement, but I knew she was right. If I talked to Harry now … God knows how that would’ve ended, what I would’ve said.

Harry looked like he wanted to protest, but then he just nodded. He turned to me. “I … I’ll talk to you tomorrow”, he said, and then he just left, without another glance my direction. Seeing him leaving like that, it … it broke whatever tiny bit that was left of my already shattered heart, and the tears that I’d been able to keep at bay all night returned with full force. I had no chance to stop them.

Perrie hurried to my side. “Come on, sweetie”, she murmured. “Let’s get you some water, and then we’ll get you home. Okay?” She steadied me, since I wasn’t that steady after all the alcohol I’d consumed, and we started making our way through the crowd. Suddenly the music was way too loud, and I started to get a headache.

Perrie asked the bartender for some water, and he gave me one with a questioning glance in our direction, but he didn’t say anything. El and Dani appeared and helped us through the crowd to the exit. Perrie called Zayn, and he showed up to give us a ride home, since it was obvious I was in no condition to walk.

***

The next morning, I woke up with a terrible headache. For one blessed moment, I didn’t remember the previous night, but then it hit me like a ton of bricks.

Oh my God. I’d messed up big time. Not only had I had my first drink (except for one beer on my eighteenth birthday party), but I had also gotten drunk for the first time, and made out with a complete stranger, and I was sure if Harry and Perrie hadn’t shown up, I would’ve given him my virginity.

And I had cheated on Harry. If we were dating. But it still felt like cheating, even if we weren’t boyfriend/girlfriend.

And that look. I still remembered it clearly. That look in his eyes when he looked at me. It was all I could do not to break apart again when I thought of how he’d looked at me.
I went to the kitchen to get some water and perhaps an aspirin for the headache, and found Perrie already awake.

“Ally?” she said when she saw me. “Oh my God, I’m so, so sorry. I shouldn’t have convinced you to go out, not after everything that happened. I should’ve known this would happen. I’m so sorry.”

I shook my head. “Don’t blame yourself for this”, I said. “It was my choice to drink, and it was my choice to dance with that guy and to go with him. You didn’t make me do any of that. It’s entirely my fault.”

“But I convinced you to come”, she said.

“You couldn’t know I’d drink”, I said. “I mean, I never drink, even if we go out. You couldn’t know yesterday would be any different.”

Perrie looked about to protest, but then she closed her mouth and hugged me. “You know, I was convinced that Harry couldn’t care about you, not like that, but seeing his reaction yesterday made me think … Maybe he cares about you more than we thought? I’m not saying he’s in love with you, but maybe it’s worth to try and see what happens.”

I hadn’t thought so far, but his look the night before was proof that he did care, or he wouldn’t be so hurt by my stupid, stupid actions.

“You shouldn’t if you don’t think you can deal with it, of course, but …”

“If he even forgives me”, I said, and that great sadness was back with full force.

Perrie pulled away. “What? Why wouldn’t he?”

“Because of what I did”, I said. “I wouldn’t forgive me.”

“Oh, sweetie.”

We didn’t talk much after that. I think we both needed to think.

A little later, sometime after lunch, Perrie left, and I was alone with my thoughts. I tried to work some, but I just couldn’t get my mind off of Harry. I really had messed up.

I cried and cried, probably more than I’ve ever cried before. I was watching some TV, but not really paying attention, when someone knocked on the door.

I frowned, wondering who’d visit me. I went to open the door, expecting to find one of my friends, but that was not who I saw when I opened the door.

It was Harry.

Notes

Okay, since I'm in a great writing mood right now, I decided to give you another update, to make up for all the time I didn't update. I hated writing this chapter, my heart really broke for Ally and Harry (I decided to give them a ship name, by the way! It's Hally! What do you think?), but I felt like it had to happen. I realized that Ally seemed pretty much perfect, and that I hate perfect characters so something like this needed to happen.

I wanted to apologize about this chapter. I don't have much experience in this area, and it shows in the writing, but hopefully it's okay. What do you think will happen next chapter? Do you think Harry will forgive Ally? I want to hear your theories! Anyway, I hope you liked this chapter, and vote and comment like always. Your comments always makes me smile! Sorry about the really long A/N.