Just as Much

Niall's POV


I'm in and out of the store in a record hour. I have to leave before people really start to pick up that I'm here, im sure it's already on Twitter but I don't care. I've got her favorite things in my hand, a dead iPhone, and her flat keys.


I hated to leave her this morning, but with jet lag I just couldn't sleep anymore. And the last thing I wanted to do was wake up Erica, so I came up with a plan to make her breakfast in bed and we could finally hash things out.


Last night was amazing. Not anything I expected from Erica, not what I had planned. I had planned to talk to her first, and even if we didn't do anything but sleep together, I didn't care. All I wanted to do was make things right.


I felt my nerves raise again as I made my way back to her place, trying to find the key for her door, I quietly open the door, I don't know if she's awake or not. I drop her keys on the table and set the bag on the counter. I stand for a minute, hearing strange sounds. I walk to the bedroom to see a crying Erica.


"Erica, what's the matter?" I rush to her as she looks up at me, eyes bloodshot.


"Where were you? I woke up and you were gone! I thought you'd left again."


"I went to get breakfast, my phone died, but I left you a note." I look over to the nightstand and I can't see the square of paper I left for her. I stand up and look around, seeing it on the ground. "Sorry, it must have fallen. I didn't mean to leave without saying anything, we need to talk." She nods. "You stay here, I'll make breakfast and then we'll figure things out." I promise her as she nods, I'm taking care of her for once.


I don't make a lot, I'm anxious to talk. I don't want to but I've put it off for far too long and I'm leaving tonight for Orlando. I can't wait anymore.


I butter the toast and add them to the plate, grabbing chocolate milk and two glasses and take them to her room. She sits perched on the bed, I can see her fingers tapping under the sheets. She's probably just as nervous as I am.


"Here we go!" I set the plate of toast, scrambled eggs, and strawberries in between us. It's not a lot, I bought bacon, but I didn't want to take the time to make it. I've avoided this conversation for too long.


"Thank you Niall." She grabs a strawberry and laughs at my failed attempt to cook for her.


"I'll do better for lunch." I promise her. I've been taking up cooking to fill my time anyway. I needed something to fill my time.


"So, what do you want to talk about?" She asks as I start fiddling around with my pants pocket, pulling out the all to familiar folded up paper. I carefully unfold it, it's been done so many times it's starting to wear at the seams. Im shaking, I try to calm myself as I look up at her, she's worried.


Right as I begin to read Erica stops me and puts her hand on my arm. "No Niall, I want you to tell me how you feel right now, not read it. If you miss anything you can look later." I nod and out the paper away. I knew she'd ask me to do that. I can't ever do things how I want them, but I'm glad.


"Okay. So I don't know where to begin." I'm stalling.


"Where ever you want to Niall." She grabs half a piece of toast and looks at me. Begging for me to start. I swallow and take a deep breath, trying to calm myself.


"So I like you." I just let to out. I look at her face, hiding her smile behind the toast. I instantly feel like a ton of bricks have been lifted off my chest. "And not just a little bit, a lot. Since one of the first moments I met you." Once I've started, it's just pouring out.


"Why hide it?" She asks.


"I didn't mean to. Ijust cared so much that I was afraid you'd say no. Afraid that you'd laugh at me and walk away. I didn't want to put myself out there." She touches my cheek and kisses me.


"Niall, I would never laugh at you." I know now that she wouldn't, but three years ago I didn't know that.


"And that night that you kissed me in June, it was amazing. I just wasn't expecting it, I wanted more, it's like instantly I couldn't get enough of you. I didn't sleep at all that night. I just wanted to hold you forever." God I sound like an idiot. "But I had all these seconds thoughts. Thoughts that you were too good for the life I was living, I wanted to protect you and keep you safe from all the bullshit that constantly follows me around. So I thought that if I left you there, things would be fixed. I couldn't break your heart if you never gave it to me." I look down, embarrassed. "I'm so sorry. I'll regret that forever."


"I was heartbroken when I woke up. I thought that maybe since you kissed me back and stayed with me in my bed we would be able to move on from there. But I swore you off when I woke up alone and had realized you lied to me." Seeing her still this upset about it makes me even more upset for that night.


"I'm so sorry Erica." I know it's not enough, but at least I'm trying. "I know that was stupid. I just tried to hide it with a shit lie. All the guys were pissed with me, still are." I wiggle my toes under the sheets, trying to distract myself.


"So all the guys know we kissed?" I nod. "And that you left?" I nod again. "And the concert?"


I take a deep breath. "I was just trying to think of a plan. A plan to get you to understand how much I like you." I look at her, holding her breath. "I know it was dumb. I just saw you there and I wanted to be yours. I know you were with Ian. I was just shocked. I wanted a grand gesture and that was the only thing I could think of. I told you, when I'm on stage, im fearless. I can do anything I want."


"But after?"



"After. When you pulled me back into that room I just froze. I felt like I was wrecking things for you all over again. You were happy with Ian and your friends and I just felt like I was ruining that." I shrug my shoulders. God I sound more and more like an idiot the more I'm listening to myself. No wonder all the guys were killing me and people were telling me I was stupid.


"So you just avoided the whole thing. Niall, I'm not hard to talk to. I've known you since I was fifteen."


"I know!" I'm frustrated with myself as I throw my back against the bed. I get nervous when Erica reaches over and puts the plate on the nightstand. Her proximity makes me itch.


"So what changed now? Why the sudden need to tell me?" She lays back on the pillow next to mine and turns her body towards me.


"I couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't take you ignoring me, which you did very well by the way. I missed you. It took you leaving for me to realize that I needed you. And more then just with the house, I needed to be near you. No one else makes me nervous like you do. No one makes me feel all those stupid butterflies. I tried to get over you but I'm in too deep. It's been too long that you've had this invisible power over me. I keep seeing you in crowds, I keep seeing you at my house, I keep hearing your voice without hearing it, I can't get drunk enough to forget about you. I can't remember how you smell. I can't be happy anymore." I just let it all out. Being emotional is not my forte, I usually hide it with my humor but this situation doesn't call for humor.


She says nothing. Just smiles, blushing.


"It's like that for me." I catch her eye, looking at her, I almost didn't hear her whisper that but it has just made everything okay. "It was so hard to ignore you but I thought that if I did then things would be easy. I went out with Ian because I needed a distraction. I brought him to the concert, yes to make you a little jealous but to open your eyes, but I didn't think it worked. So I just couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't keep putting myself out there without getting anything back. It was too hard." I can see her eyes getting watery and the repercussions of my actions are really settling in.


"I didn't mean to hurt you." It's like my voice is gone, just this small, meek one taking its place. "Everything has turned over inside me." I wait for her reaction, watching her eyes light up.


"Who are you?" She laughs. "You've been studying Hemingway."


I nod. "Well thanks to Zayn, he forced it down my throat. It I'll admit that I actually enjoyed it. When Henry said that to Catherine, I could just relate. I understood what he was trying to say."


"So now what?" She asks, inching forward just a bit.


"Well, I have to go to Orlando tonight, but I have all day. I thought we could just hang out? I know it's nothing impressive. But I want to make up for lost time." She bites her lower lip and narrows her eyes. "No! Not like that. I mean last night was great but we don't have to do that anymore." I ramble.


"Niall, it's fine." Her laugh, it's just perfect. "I just wanted to see how easily you could fluster. I guess it doesn't take much."


"Damn you." She kisses my cheek and snuggles up next to me.


"Let's start this day with a nap."


"Sounds perfect." I wrap my arms around her. We don't have things figured out, but if this is all I ever get with Erica, I could live with it. This is all I've ever wanted.

Notes

I'm so sorry! My computer kept freezing, I literally tried to upload it for an hour so I resorted to typing it allllllll out on my phone.

Enjoy! Thank you all for being amazing!!! Have a great weekend, my thumbs and I need a break now!!

xoxoxo