Just as Much

Niall's POV

I haven't been in my house since Erica left during our London shows. The last place I wanted to be was here. I love my home, but Erica is here every where I look even if she's not here. I haven't brought myself to go into her room yet. I mean, she doesn't even live here anymore. Her stuff isn't here but just going into her room will bring back the terrible memory of me leaving her sleeping. The worst decision I've ever made in my life.

People have tried to bring me out of my funk but it hasn't really helped. Thankfully the media hasn't picked up on all this, I hide it really well on stage. I mean, its not hard to get hyped up on stage, thousands of people screaming for you, it's easy to be happy and excited. But behind the scenes I just sit around. Feel like a bit of a lost puppy, I just sit around and look at my phone, waiting for something, anything from Erica. A text message, a phone call, a tweet. Anything.

Her tweets are few and far between. It's always something cryptic, I can't ever really tell if she's happy or not. When I talk to her on the phone she seems cheerful but its always so short, her words are sometimes blocked by the subway, or the noises of the city.

I torture myself every time I call her. I just can't let go. I messed up, I'm the one that hasn't apologized. I need to tell her I'm sorry but every time I get up the courage, she answers the phone and I lose it. I lose all courage to talk about that. I've continued to write everything down on these papers I started on that terrible day. You would think I'd be over this by now. You would think I could just pull a different girl to get Erica out of my system but it's not that simple.

My new housekeeper doesn't talk much. She's a bit older but things aren't the same. She keeps to herself. She doesn't help me like Erica did. I don't just need her for the things she helps me with around the house, I need her next to me. Things aren't the same. My laundry doesn't smell the same, I always associated my laundry and clothes with Erica. Not for a dumb reason, that she does my laundry, but for the reason that she washes my clothes with the same stuff that she washes her things. So my clothes smell like her. But now that I have someone else that does my laundry, that smell is gone. I've tried to do my own laundry and I've bought so many different combinations of laundry soap but it's not the same.

I'm pathetic.

Catherine doesn't make me food. It's not part of her job description so it's not required. But I miss Erica's smoothies. Even if I found out it has almond milk and bananas in it. The coffee I make doesn't taste the same. Erica told me she puts basil and cinnamon in the coffee grounds but it doesn't taste the same. It all taste like shit.

I've missed meetings. Erica had this system, she would write the schedule on this big board in our kitchen and sync it with my phone so I would know when things would happen. She even had it sync up with my alarm so I would just wake up and be informed about it. But now, I don't get those things, it's not working. I've been late, showed up in pajamas, or just missed meetings completely because I haven't realized how unorganized I am without her.

“Earth to Niall!” Ben kicks me from across the couch.

“What?” I snap at him. Things haven't been the best with me, I try not to take it out on anyone but sometimes things get the best of me.

“What the hell is your problem lately?” He sits up and leans his elbows on his knees, glaring at me.

“Nothing.” I shrug my shoulders, trying to down play my emotions.

“Okay. Liar.” He mutters under his breath like I can't hear him.

“What the fuck is your problem Winston?” I call him out. This is not who I am.

“My problem?” He stands up, hes a bit taller then me so it's intimidating. “My problem?” He points at himself. “You've been moping around like a baby for the past month. You can't seem to get out of your pit of despair.”

“So what?” I ask him. “How would you act if this was Meredith?” I ask.

“That's different Niall, and you know it. I have actually told Meredith how I felt, she's my wife, she knows I love her. You've never even dated Erica. You can't even tell her how you feel. You write shit down on a piece of paper but when it comes to talking to her, you clam up and avoid the whole fucking situation. It's not helping your situation at all. Just delaying this shit, she's going to meet someone else, she's going to move on if you don't say anything.” He's angry but it's something I've needed to hear.

“I don't know how to say it. The longer things go on, the harder it gets for me.” I'm just sick of defending myself. I know what I did was wrong. “I know I need to fix it but Erica is different, I don't want to mess this up. I know I've already messed it up enough, okay? Don't you think I feel bad about all of this?” I explain.

“I know you do Niall. But you see her in like three weeks. She's still planning on coming to the concert in Jersey right?” He asks and its like a light bulb has suddenly been switched in my head.

“Oh my god.” I stand up, my mood suddenly changed. “That's it. I can finally tell her how I feel. I can write it all down and get her alone, finally telling her everything.” My mind is racing. I'm fiddling around on the coffee table to find my crumpled folded up pieces of paper. “What if she doesn't come?” I ask.

“Well just try hard to get her to come.” He shrugs his shoulders as if it's that easy.

“And if she doesn't come?” I ask again, my sudden worst fear.

“Then find someone else. Fuck man, find someone else right now. Get it out of your system. That's probably why you're so tight and jumpy, you just need to get laid.” He tries to joke with me and I just glare at him. “Oh come on Niall, lets go out tonight. I can have Meredith call her friends, we can make it fun.”

“I don't know.” I kick my feet back and forth trying to avoid the subject. I can go out and have fun but I don't want anyone but Erica. As much as people tell me I need to get out and have fun, I don't want it.

“Just do it. I'll go home and get Meredith on board, she'll call some friends, I'll call some friends, it will all work out.” He stands abruptly and walks to the door, leaving me no choice. Maybe it will be good for me. “I'll call you later to discuss the deets.” He closes the door to leave me with my thoughts. I quickly bury my notes trying to change my thought process, I need to get in a different zone. Maybe letting go of Erica will help me. She's just a girl, I tell myself over and over again. Just a girl.

I arrive at the club, I'm not really about clubs, I'd rather just have a pint at a quiet bar down the street. No one knows you, and if they do know who I am, they don't care. The paps aren't waiting outside the front door, but obviously here, at a club, it's different. Girls are throwing themselves at me, drinks are constantly being shoved in my hands as my sober minders are following me around, making sure no one gets to touchy feely, wouldn't be the first time.

I spot Ben and Mer at one of the tables in the back with a few other friends I've met before as I walk the steps and scoot next to Ben.

“You made it!” Ben practically shouts at me. I've forgotten to mention its entirely way to loud here. You can hardly hear the person next to you. I just nod at him and look around the club. Meredith passes me a drink and I don't even ask what it is, tasting the whisky as soon as it hits my lips. Not my choice in drinks but I'll have it.

Before I know it I've had three drinks and I'm feeling more relaxed. Chatting with everyone at the table, learning names and trying to laugh at their jokes. Not all are funny, my mind often wonders to other things. Every time I see a blonde I squint my eyes and make sure its not Erica. I know she's not here but my mind likes to play tricks on me.

“Stop looking for her!” Ben nudges me.

“I'm not looking for her.” Ben just tilts his head, knowing the truth. “I keep thinking I see her!” I shout to him, why does it need to be so fucking loud in here? “I'm going to get another drink.” I tell him, I don't have to get it myself, we're in VIP so we have a waitress that can come get our order but I just want to stretch my legs.

I fight the crowd with my security behind me and make my way to the bar, catching the attention of the tender quickly I order a Smithwick's, I need some beer. I wait for them to fill it, looking around when a girl suddenly appears next to me.

“Hi.” She's trying hard, twisting her hair around her finger. Normally I would brush her off gently, take a picture with her and move on but maybe this will help.

“Hello. I'm Niall.” I tell her.

“I know.” She laughs and I roll my eyes. Of course she knows. Yeah, I can't do this. The tender passes me my beer and I turn around, shrugging her off. On my way back I spot another girl and we lock eyes, she's shorter, dark hair, looks nothing like Erica. I pause, pretending to look at my phone, waiting for her. I feel her presence next to me as I casually look up.

“Hey.” Her voice is low, I can't tell if it's forced or not.

“Hi.” I slip my phone in my pocket, taking a sip of my beer.

“I'm Gillian.” I shake her hand when she puts it out.

“Niall.” She smiles and nods. “You want a drink?” I ask her, holding mine out as if to show her what I'm trying to say. She nods and we make our way back to the bar. She seems nice enough.

We sit for a while and chat. I learn she's from Ipswich, visiting friends for the weekend. She's 19, and a fan. But she's not crazy so that makes me feel safer. I'm still messing around with my phone, nervous that I don't have the courage to seal the deal when finally I just give up.

“You want to come over?” I ask, suddenly brave.

“Yeah, sure.” She smiles at me.

“I'll call two cabs, give the guy the address and pay for it, we'll just meet back at my house.” I explain to her, she just nods. It's not my first rodeo, people don't need to know who I'm taking home with me. And if I just give the driver my address, she won't know and probably won't remember since she's not from here and it's dark outside.

“I'll meet you there.” I tell her and send a quick text to Ben that I'm leaving. I bite my lip, second guessing my choice until I leave the club and get into the SUV, this will just have to work.

Notes

Oh Erica and Niall, these two are so lost and trying to fix things without fixing them. I loved reading all your comments about Erica and Ian last chapter, so I'm quite interested to see your thoughts about Niall and Gillian.... :)

Thank you all so much for being amazing and reading. It makes me so happy to know that you all enjoy my work! I wasn't planning on updating until tomorrow but ta-da! :)

Hope you all have a fantastic Sunday!

xoxo