Good Intentions ⇼ Luke Hemmings

“I wrote you something.” Maiko sat on the couch as I got ready to go for a run.
“Did you?” I asked, turning to him.
“Wanna hear it?” He asked slowly, embarrassed as he always is.
“Course.” I smiled.
“To the girl who is in love with the autumn, who patiently waits for June, July, and August to roll over. She waits for the chill of September and the cool of October and the cold of November to awaken her. The more at home she feels with falling leaves than sticky heat. She can breathe and grow. Shed weight off her soul and return to the past, bringing an opportunity to start again. After all, the fall had always felt like more of a beginning than the spring has. The spring was merely an awakening that she could never explain very well—to herself, nor others. She sits on a swing, and pumps her legs up and up into the blue sky, the cold metal chains wrapped with her hands, and the chilly air caught in her throat. Thinking, ‘this time, I’ll fall in love’. She’s not sure how to explain the effects a simple season can have within her soul, but it makes her full. She feels clean, whole, she feels like herself.” A pang of guilt welt in my throat as he connected our eyes.
“It was beautiful.” I rasped, not able to find the words to speak. “Thank you.” I kissed his cheek, heading toward the door. “I’m going to workout.” With a small smile, I left the flat.

After my run, I stopped at Kaylee’s for a visit, as I had been too busy to have our weekly lunch together. After sitting with her and Josi, watching telly and coloring, Josi had finally went to take a nap, and Kaylee lead me to her bedroom so we could talk. I’d been at their flat for about an hour, and knew Maiko must be worried, but I didn’t have the energy to check in.

"I know it’s stupid," I said, "but sometimes I still talk to him—not really, but in my head and my dreams." I stared at Kaylee, frightening her with the thought of Luke. "I guess he’s probably got a new number, and god knows where he is now but -" I paused, knowing exactly where he was. He works with Ash, and I’ve taken extra precautions to avoid him. “We made all these ridiculous promises. And sometimes I feel like if I shout loud enough he’d hear me and we could start again." Kaylee seemed to take forever to respond.
“Life is hard when it’s late and all you want to do is sleep but your mind refuses to calm the fuck down and you can’t stop thinking. It’s hard when Maiko pretends like everything is perfect between you two. It’s hard when you still miss him, but you’ve got to let go, Romy-Sorry-Romina. You’re going to cry. You will cry over him like there is no tomorrow, until your throat is raw and your hair is messy. Your screams will echo through the walls and there will be nothing beautiful about it. You’ll tear out the pages of your journal that you’d dedicated to him and swear his name will never appear on the crisp pages. But two days later, the words won’t come and you’ll find herself scrawling his name over and over until the ink blurs and merges with her tears.” She paused, grabbing my hand.

“You’ll curse him, curse yourself, and curse the skies for nothing. There’ll be days when the sun shines but all you’ll see is rain and clouds, and days when there won’t be anything at all. And fuck, you’ll love him even though her heart is breaking because you gave him a part of yourself that he refused to return, you’ll love him without realizing you have Maiko. But know this, you will also learn to forget Luke.” She seemed to rattle on and on, the same shit she always says.
"I hate him," I swore, my hands clenched into fists—so tight that the nail stubs create little crescent shapes in my palm. "I hate him," I promised, my hands shaking violently, causing a need to steady myself. "I hate him," I repeated. Once, twice, three times. "I hate him." I don’t hate him, but I want to, oh God, I want to. “I’m just so tired.” I whispered. “And it’s so fucking hard to feel sad and tired when all I need is to feel alive.” My eyes filled with tears.

“Why can’t I just tell Miako I love him? That would make it stop, wouldn’t it? It would make me stop thinking about Luke. If I told him—I know it’s in there, somewhere—then, I would be okay.” I tried to convince myself.
“It’s not that easy, hun.” Kaylee cooed. “Luke was the first person you’ve loved. You two were denying it for years. Every experience you’d had was with him. It’s never going to stop hurting completely. You’re still going to get pangs of hurt in your chest. But eventually, you’ll begin to forget why.” Before conversation could continue, we heard the door open.

“Kay! I brought Luke for dinner!” Ashton yelled in the midst of laughter. Our eyes widened as we stared at each other.
“Wait here.” She whispered. “I’ll get rid of them.” She rushed out, closing the bedroom door behind her to hide me. My heartbeat seemed to be one continuous thump—it was beating so fast. “Hi baby.” Kaylee spoke from the living room. “I hate to do this, but I was about to text you… I really need you to run to the store and grab some more sauce. I was going to make spaghetti, but I ran out.” She wasn’t necessarily lying, she had made spaghetti before I got there, but she had just enough sauce and had left it in the microwave to reheat when Ash came home.
“No problem.” He stated. “Luke come with?” He suggested. The door opened and shut before Kaylee returned.
“I’ll see you soon.” I muttered, gathering my things and rushing out of her flat. Instead of going home, I opted to go to the pub down the street and have a few drinks.

***

“Romina?” Maiko asked, sitting up as I entered the bedroom.
“Sorry. I went to Kaylee’s for a while, lost track of time. Did I wake you?” He sighed.
“Yeah.” He shrugged as I got ready to go to bed. “I mean… Kaylee only lives a floor below us. You could have stopped to let me know. I was worried.” He complained.
“Sorry, Luke-” He and I both stopped, dead cold. I stopped dressing, looking back at him. “Maiko.” I rasped, biting my lip. I knew it was in response to the alcohol that had burnt my throat tonight.

"You still love him," He says, half question, half demand.
"Of course I don’t." I replied. But the part of me wonder whose arms I’d run into if I had the choice.
"You still think of him," He whispered, when I turned off the lights and lie in bed, trying not to give my thoughts away.
"Go to sleep," I tell him, but when my eyes close and I drift between consciousness, I swear it’s Luke’s voice I hear and his fingers tracing the rise and fall of my ribs—rather than Maiko.
"Do you miss him?" He asks.
"No." And it’s not a lie, not really.

But part of me still remembers how he made me smile and how I buried my 2am laughter into his chest. Part of me still questions the possibility of seeing him again, and I think, maybe just once, for old time’s sake.
“Would you go back?” He finally asks, and I can’t help myself.
"Yes." I say, "yes."

***

“Good morning.” Maiko whispers as he pulls my body to his, so my head is set on his chest. “Are you mad at me?” He asked, placing a light kiss on my forehead.
“Why would I be mad at you?” I inquired.
“For what I said last night.” His hand intertwined with mine as he brought it up to his lips.
“I have no reason to be angry.” As I try to pull away, I’m held tighter to his body.
“I don’t know.” He shrugged. “I just worry.” I sighed.
“Do you want to know something?” I asked, and his body immediately tensed. I hardly ever tell him important thing.
“Yeah.”

“When I was sad, and trying to get over him, you know what helped me?” I wasn’t sure why I was telling him this, it didn’t matter at all. “I would lie in bed at night and imagine my life in the future. I would imagine myself lying in bed—just like this. With someone I love, my future husband, and we’d just woken up. Groggy and looking gross.” I paused, smiling lightly. “And our child comes in, and she—or he, I guess—jumps on the bed and makes us laugh, and cuddles with us… But the funny thing is, that when I imagined it, I never saw his face. I never saw our baby’s face. But it gave me hope.” I cautiously looked up at Maiko.
“Do you think that person could ever be me?” He slowly asked, unsure if he was ready for the blow.
“You know I can’t answer that.” I cooed.
“So you want a baby?” He asked.
“More than anything.” I sighed, rolling out of his grip. “But good things take time.” I stood and grabbed my clothes, going to the bathroom to get ready.

Notes

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