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Teach Me How To Kiss (1D AU)

Back Home

It was the Sunday after Liam had left for Afghanistan; I didn't sleep at all that night. I sat on the couch with a big bowl of cereal and the gallon of milk and cereal box in arm's reach. Tear drops mixing with the milk as I got choked up over scenes in The Lucky One. I had been watching a list of romantic war movies such as Pearl Harbor, Cold Mountain and next was Dear John…as you can see, I was a mess. And to top it off, Janet hadn't been home all night either.

I was about to pop in the next movie when I heard the fiddling of the key in the door. Janet crept in thinking I was sleeping; it was now 7am. I cleared my throat and stood there surprised with my hands on my waist. Janet in turn gave me a sly smile and it looked as if she was about to explode of excitement.

"Did you just come from Ian's place?" I shook my head, thinking the worst.

"I did…but nothing happened I promise!"

"Janet I'm not your mother, but if you fail to mention ANY details you're in trouble," I warned her while smiling and pointing at the sofa.

I was looking forward to borrowing some of her happiness for a while. She skipped on over to jump on the couch and we huddled next to each other to exchange secrets.

"Well first off you already know how fond I am of him, he's such a wonderful father and writer and…great listener. Last night we stayed up for hours talking and he just listened to my life story pretty much. He gave me great advice and encouragement."

"So you stayed a while after he got back from wherever?"

"No, that's the best part! He didn't know that my birthday had passed till Conner gave him a picture of me with balloons and a cake. So yesterday he called me over to babysit and when I arrived it turned out to be a surprise kiddie party that Conner decorated for me... with Ian's help of course," Janet gushed.

I was smitten by little Conner's big heart. How thoughtful and sweet for both Conner and Ian to do that for her. I clasped my hands together, holding them close to my heart; I could cry all over again.

"We played games, ate cake and then watched two movies till the little guy gave out. After Ian put him to bed he then offered me some coffee and we just talked for hours. I loved it…and now I'm ready to go back Brynn. I'm ready for nursing school."

"Janet that makes me so happy to hear that you've found your way again; maybe I should go and talk with him and see if I feel any better," I sulked.

"How are you doing?" she paused and saw the answer staring right in front of her.

The milk was almost out, the cereal box empty and the tissues were crumbled on the coffee table, couch and floor. Needless to say I probably had dark circles under my eyes.

"So did you guys stay up all night?" I continued.

"No, I actually fell asleep. But I'm too embarrassed to remember at what point of the night I passed out at…I just woke up on the couch covered with a blanket," she smiled.

"Less than 2 months and we'll be going back home…I can't wait to see mom, I miss her so much right now."

Janet hugged me, knowing I was going through emotional hell. I laid my head in her lap as she patted my head and acted like a loving sister. As the movie played, my eyes remained moist. I kept envisioning my last conversation with Liam, the day he told me the horrid news…the last day I got to see him. It all happened so fast, we had to settle for Skype dates and phone calls. But now who knows what the conditions were over there. Liam said it could be anywhere from a week to a couple of months till we could talk again. I wanted his address to write him but he didn't have it yet either; I'd have to wait for him either way.

It was hard to WAIT. Be patient and wait for that glorious moment my phone would ring with a blocked private number. I couldn't even call him now, like I had done before. No way of reaching him…the world was so quiet. My days at the culinary school progressed, and as much as I didn't want it to affect me, it triggered in the back of my mind. Life went on with or without me.

I had finally gotten caught up with Izzy and Zayn. They were doing great as to be expected and her belly was growing, or so I was told. The restaurant was also well, but apparently I was greatly missed. Philip told Zayn to have me working as the pastry chef when I got back already, but I still wanted to return for next semester…so not yet. Philip was getting ready for the big move to San Diego, leaving Zayn as the new Manager like he promised him.

With that great promotion now, Zayn was looking into buying a house for his wife and kids. He jokingly offered me his loft and I said "Hell yes!" He better believe that I wasn't joking! As for other news, Niall decided to go back with his 'brothers' to live in Panama and help out with the Church where he got saved at. He sure had a special drive none of us could quite understand but we greatly admired. I was even wishing that he'd find a beautiful native woman there and live happily ever after.

As for me, I didn't know the next scene to this movie. Was I to live in fear every hour of every day wondering if Liam was alive or hurt. Or should I continue to enjoy life here in San Francisco, cooking and proudly bragging how my boyfriend is out defending our country. Either way, I had to wear a smile for 6-8 months; that's if the tour didn't extend as well.



Seasons were passing and Halloween was around the corner. To avoid feeling lonely I had accompanied Janet on her weekend babysitting gigs. But I didn't understand, if Ian was a writer, where did he go at night? Janet then clued me in that he taught evening writing classes.

On one of those nights, Conner was in his bed as it was well past 9 o'clock. When Mr. Murray had arrived, I began gathering my things but got distracted by his excitement to tell Janet some news. I excused myself to the bathroom to give them some privacy, but please…I was still going to eavesdrop.

"I signed for my book tour earlier today!" I could hear his voice strain to control his emotions.

"Oh Ian, that's wonderful!" I heard Janet cry back along with the ruffling of clothes which led me to believe they might be hugging?

I couldn't take this! I needed a closer look. I was a horrible spy and I don't know why I was so curious to see if Ian liked Janet. Thankfully the hallway was dark and I could slide up against the wall at an angle where I could watch them and not be seen. I saw Ian pull away from the prolonged embrace and even noticed a little awkward tension…my favorite.

"So when do you leave?" Go Janet for breaking the ice!

"They said in a couple of days…but I'm afraid I have some sad news," Ian looked down at her…oh no.

"You're traveling so I can only imagine what you're about to say," Janet lowered her head.

"I'll be taking Conner up to stay with his mother while I go on this tour. I'm sorry Janet. I know how much he loves you."

"I love the little guy too," she responded.

Although Janet's face was still looking towards the floor, I had full view of Ian's expression. I knew a face that longed for another when I saw one. I notice his restraint and caring eyes take her in.

"Thank you for everything, Janet...but I'm leaving to take Conner tomorrow."

"Wha-at?" I could see that Janet was trying to remain calm and it pained me that now we both were sailing thru the same sea of loneliness.

I don't think Janet nor I saw what was coming but it happened. Ian leaned in and kissed her and I had to cover my mouth from squealing. My eyebrows shot so high they almost touched my hairline and I quickly crept back into the bathroom for a moment longer. Did they forget that I was still in the same apartment or did they think I was doing number 2? I'd suffer the embarrassment for my sister. I made clatter with the doorknob and flushed the toilet.

Practically stomping down the hallway I came back to the living room to stand in front of the door, Janet had already gotten her bag and was discreetly smiling and walking away. When I walked out the door my phone began to ring and I walked even faster hoping to hear a particular voice. But it wasn't who I was expecting…it was Louis.

Now listening to Louis vent about what Lilah had told him, I could tell he was torn with love and hurt. I really didn't have words of encouragement for my friend. He was bummed that Liam wasn't around to talk to; that made two of us. Regardless I listened and agreed with what he had to say, meanwhile Janet and Ian were still talking in the hallway and he reached over to kiss her once again. Something told me that was the last time I'd see Ian.



"It's good to be back, isn't it B?" Janet sighed in relief.

Finally, after almost 7 hours of driving, we were about to pull up to our house. I had to agree with her, family sounded perfect right now. Thanksgiving week and Mom's best home cooked meals; words couldn't describe. I think I held on to my mother for about 10 minutes before releasing. Everyone exchanged sympathetic smiles regarding Liam's absence for the holidays, without the actual need of addressing it. Still every time I looked at my stepfather, I was reminded of him; you can only imagine how many times in a day that was.

Janet was eager to come with me to visit our friends at the restaurant and it was sure great to see all those familiar faces again. Izzy wasn't kidding on how big she was; her said you get bigger faster in the second pregnancy…sure Izzy. I honestly wouldn't have minded the idea of staying and working right away, but now with Liam gone I thought I would make the best of this next semester. I knew I was strong enough to handle it.

I did get a call from Lilah to meet up with her; I guess she wanted to tell me her version of how the conversation went with Louis. All I knew was that Louis didn't want anything to do with her after that screw up, not that I would tell that to her in those words exactly. I don't blame him but I wasn't about to stop talking to her. I remembered what it felt like to screw up and how desperate I was for company.

Janet stayed home with her dad while I went to pay Lilah a visit. I was disheartened by her paleness and guilt. She was so 'down in the dumps'; I didn't know how 'Merry' this Christmas would be this year. We drank tea as we sat in the kitchen. My chin rested in the palm of my hand as I listened to Lilah repeat the same lines of how 'stupid she was for screwing up the best relationship she ever had'. I wanted to tell her to fight longer for Louis, but I knew he needed time to cool off.

I heard the door open but wasn't alarmed till Lilah perked up with a confused look on her face.

"I thought you were coming back tomorrow."

My back was facing the hallway preventing me from seeing who it was, but when I peeked over my shoulder my chest sank in a little deeper. I didn't want to have that reaction. I wanted to remain indifferent whenever I saw Harry, but it's like my body never agreed with my mind; as though we were separate entities with my heart caught in the middle. I displayed a flat smile before looking back at Lilah.

"I…changed my mind," Harry answered. I suppose he found it silly to have to explain why he wanted to return to HIS house earlier.

"Sorry Brynn," Lilah whispered.

"Why? Don't be," I whispered back.

I on the other hand was shocked not to receive more of a reaction from Harry with my presence. It was as if he didn't KNOW me. He grabbed a Powerade from the fridge and gave a small wave hello with a smile without saying another word and left. I'll admit that I was bothered by his indifference; I tried to reengage in the repetitive conversation with Lilah but I was now distracted.

I felt useless being in that house. I wasn't fixing or solving Lilah's problems; I was merely an open ear. We eventually moved the conversation to the living room. Funny thing was, when I walked in I immediately remembered my 17th birthday. We were missing Louis for this to be a complete Déjà vu. But now, neither couple existed.

Lilah went to the bathroom to wash her face so I waited patiently on the couch fiddling with my phone. I heard marching down the stairs and caught sight of Harry. He walked right behind the couch and back into the kitchen. Not a word yet again.

"What the…" I mumbled and walked after him.

"So what's with the silent treatment?" I crossed my arms.

"No silent treatment…" he shook his head and raised his hands in the air, as if he had no idea what I was talking about.

"I thought we were 'friends' and now it's like you're not even talking to me or acknowledging that I'm here.?" I argued.

"I'm sorry, I didn't realize it bothered you that much. I thought I'd make it easier for you." He pushed back the sleeves to his black sweater.

"That makes no sense; you are friendly on the phone but not in person?" I was now scowling.

All Harry said then was "okay" and walked away again. I was so aggravated by this point that I failed to realize the little scene I had made. I shouldn't care so much. And by the spectacle I had made, I believe I just proved how much I couldn't stand him not giving me attention. I set myself up for failure… I was the stupid one now.



I was glad to finally see the multicolored blinking lights up in our living room. Our family project was to go all out this Christmas no matter how wacky the decorations were. My mom and I had never done stockings before but that was quite the tradition with Janet and her dad, so we adopted it as well. We even included one for Liam. It gave a nice classic touch over the fireplace. Kevin left to get some fire wood at the store while we ladies worked on the homemade apple cider and cherry pie.

"Are we going to have another Christmas party this year?" Janet asked curiously.

It was at Zayn's party that my mother and Kevin had met after all. But I wasn't feeling the party vibe this year. I wanted more intimate family bonding before I had to go back to San Fran next month. I finished making the pie and now had to place it in the oven. Janet left momentarily and came back with my phone in her hand.

"You have a missed call. It read Izzy on the screen."

"Oh thanks," I called her back immediately and waited for a quick response. "Hey Izzy, how's it going?"

"Hey B, we're fine. But we wanted to invite you over for dinner tomorrow for our last meal at the loft. So sad," I sensed Izzy's fake pout.

"Aww, I love that place. So what time shall we swing by?"

"Around 5 o'clock. We are doing it tomorrow because we're leaving in a couple of days to spend Christmas with Zayn's sister and the kids."

"Okay, that sounds wonderful and you'll have a ton of snow which I'm sure Rhea will love. See you tomorrow!"

"Janet, we're having dinner tomorrow at Zayn's at 5… Now we need to add more cinnamon to that cider!"



It was sad to think that this was the last time I'd travel up these stairs to Zayn's loft. This place had great memories, like the time I stayed over and Zayn and I played those silly board games and so on. Zayn was there to help me get over my devastating breakup with Harry. Now it's just kind of funny that I'm without my half again, Harry is in town and Zayn's going to be a dad in less than a few months…although he already is.

The apartment looked gorgeous in gold and red holiday décor. I could see Izzy's touch all over it as those were her preferred colors. What I didn't see was Rhea walking around but then I heard later that she was spending the evening with her grandparents. I got another quick update on Niall and how he finally met someone over in Panama. I don't think Janet cared too much for the news but then again she was doing a lot of texting lately. I could only assume it was one person…another good looking dad perhaps.

My phone was ringing in my purse and when I read 'private number' I rushed in the bathroom for privacy.

"Hello?" I answered enthusiastically.

"Hey B, can you talk a minute?" a male voice replied.

"Oh hey Louis, how've you been?" My melodic tone faded to normal.

"Well, I had been doing a lot of thinking since we last talked. And I just received a letter from Lilah..." he sighed. "I really did love her…but I can't be with someone I can't trust, you know?"

"I understand," I spoke looking in front of the mirror.

I felt like I wasn't able to trust myself. I was miserable, not hearing anything from Liam in over a month. I tried not to think about it too much or my mind would be filled with scary thoughts all day long. I heard additional voices arrive along with Izzy's happy greeting and knew I needed to get back.

"Well I'll let you go, I also just wanted to say that I'll be coming home for a couple of days and I want to see you and Janet."

"Oh that's awesome. I can't wait for us to hangout like old times," I smiled.

Finally some great news! I checked my appearance once more. Tucking a hair or two that always disagreed with where I commanded it to go; my silver streak was sprouting and this time I didn't care anymore. My hair was long draping down my back; time for another visit to the salon perhaps. Not that I was high-maintenance but going to the salon was a guaranteed pick-me-upper for my crappy moods. I patted down my green A-line dress before exiting the bathroom…this time no embarrassing flushes.

Before joining with everyone else and our new guests, I caught sight of Janet's wide eyed stare which could only mean one thing…ALERT! Still lingering around the doorway I found Izzy and Zayn talking with Lilah and …gulp, Harry.

"What's he doing here?" Janet articulated pretending that I was an excellent lip reader. I wasn't that bad.

I shrugged my shoulders as I too wasn't expecting them. But a warning or heads up from Izzy would have been nice; then again this wasn't MY party. I practiced my 'poker face' and joined the rest of them. While I wasn't pretending with Lilah I had to fake a smile with Harry in front of everyone and him.

Although no one would suspect a thing, I still felt under the spotlight. Any questionable behavior or comment could raise some serious comments. As far as everyone, including myself, I was heavily guarded by my 'I have an amazing boyfriend' shield. So why couldn't I control myself and feel calm and relaxed, instead I was nervous and uneasy. Harry wasn't even doing anything to provoke it, but his presence and knowing that he still wanted me had me this way.

In fact Harry was so casual, it boggled me how he did it. I wanted to know the secret so I too could shut down unwanted internal systems. My safest bet was to stick close to Janet and not even glimpse over at him. Izzy motioned for me to help her with some plates as she placed them on the table.

"I hope you don't mind that I invited them," she said while passing.

I nodded as though I could care less; I was becoming an incredible actor fooling everyone. I made sure not to sit next to Harry but of course that bit me in the butt as he sat directly across from me. No problem, just look everywhere but ahead…check!

I ate more so I didn't have to talk; meanwhile Zayn was fascinated with Harry's tales of his time in Hawaii and Alaska. It wasn't boring but when he was asked about more details regarding his research in Alaska he held back. I didn't care why…I tried not to.

"How's your mom, Brynn?" Harry looked straight at me with an honest stare.

"She's great! Thanks," I said wiping my mouth with a napkin.

Granted we weren't talking like the way we did on the phone and that was alright because I hadn't mentioned that to anyone. Those conversations shouldn't have happened anyway. I didn't say more, so he began to talk with Janet and everyone else. Table talk was friendly and I realized I needed to change my attitude or else I would be in a sour mood for the rest of the evening.

We then sat on over in the den while Zayn served us glasses of Eggnog, except for Izzy who was enjoying her second Christmas being pregnant…again. Janet and Lilah sat beside each other and I could over hear Louis's name poping up a couple of times. Harry came with his glass and had no choice but to sit beside me or remain standing. Strangely, he chose to stand.

"You can sit down you know," I finally said.

He bowed his head and sat a good distance from me. I wasn't used to this behavior coming from him and I didn't know what to make of it. Zayn and Izzy left for a moment and I could feel the awkward tension within me rise, observing Janet still engaged in Lilah's ramblings I had run out of people to talk to…until Harry spoke.

"So how's Liam?" He gave a half smile, breaking my wall.

"I want to believe he's okay, but I honestly haven't heard from him since over a month."

"I can't imagine how devastated you must be." That was the exact word I used to describe myself.

"Yeah, it's hard."

"Long distant relationships are hard."

I gave him a suspicious eye; maybe I needed to leave ¼ of my wall up in case I had to repair it quickly. I just nodded in response to that comment.

"So I heard you finished well for your first semester at culinary school."

"I did. I did amazingly well. I'm looking forward to another semester and then I just might transfer back here, who knows?" I shrugged.

"How exciting for you!" He gave a genuine wide smile.

I was expecting a dirty flirty comment somewhere in our conversation but it never came.

"Oh we KNOW you are coming back here!" Izzy said out of nowhere.

Both Zayn and Izzy had suspicious twinkles in their eyes…for me?

"Merry Christmas, Brynn," he said with a huge warm smile and handed me a wrapped square box.

Even my eyes were smiling as I shook the box and heard a piece of jewelry clanking.

"Because when you come back you'll be working for me to pay the rent, as our very own patisserie chef," Zayn finished slyly.

I ripped off the wrapping paper and pulled off the top to find a key…with a key chain that read 'home sweet home'.

"This isn't the key to the loft is it?" I asked already knowing the answer.

"No it's the key to my Audi downstairs," Zayn laughed.

I jumped up and lunged my arms over both Zayn and Izzy; hanging on them like a baby chimp. I couldn't believe it. The only thing that bummed me was that I couldn't move in right away. I spent the rest of the evening enamored with the thought of living in this space. It was the perfect distraction from my previous distraction.

The downstairs neighbors soon came up to say hello; I mean I was going to have to meet them eventually. As I spoke with the wife and Janet my eyes wandered a little, stopping momentarily to spy on the trio of men. They held their drinks in their hand and talked and laughed loudly. The husband was a little older than Zayn, yet Harry fit right in despite his youth; wasn't he like 24 now or something?

My gaze lingered too long when I realized that Harry was now looking back at me. I would have reacted and looked away instantly, but I didn't. I didn't smile either I just watched him. He gave the same 'look' back. His head fell a little as he sighed and looked towards the ground. But then he looked back at me with a renewed sense of strength and all I wanted was to hear a fragment of his thoughts.

His hair was gelled back, and his wardrobe looked similar to Zayn's style. I always found some similarities in Zayn that reminded me of Harry; I guess it was for a reason. They were almost the same height, same dark brown hair, though Zayn was tanner. I felt an arm latch around mine and pull me to the staircase, leading me up to the bedroom.

"I think it's the perfect time for a little chat wouldn't you say, amiga?" Elizabeth smiled coyly.

I acted as though there was nothing on my mind but the joy of receiving my beautiful Christmas gift; it was snug in my pocket.

"Now, you know that I KNOW you. And while life has gotten in the way of our friendship, I still KNOW you better than you think. So with that YOU must know that I don't belong to any sides. Janet has her side and Lilah has hers…but I remain in the middle. I remain with you. Now you tell me what's troubling that heart of yours?"

My mouth fell from the words that came out of Izzy's mouth. She definitely wasn't the same person I had met years ago. Her words held the wisdom that I had only heard from one other person…Zayn. He was so good for her in more ways than I could describe. I knew that I could be naked before Izzy…because like she said she had 'no sides'. I felt as though I was able to take off my oxygen mask and breathe my own air for a while; no matter how dirty and polluted.

"You know I love Liam. He's the best man I have ever had the privilege of knowing…" I began to whisper.

"But…"she interjected.

"But you also know my history with Harry. And no matter how hard I try, I can never erase him. I mean that was one of the reasons why I wanted to escape off to San Francisco in the first place. I want to be able to see him and not feel a thing," I admitted while chipping my nail polish away.

"But that's not going to happen is it?"

"Why not?" I demanded.

"Because you don't want to fully. Otherwise we wouldn't be having this conversation right now," she spoke confidently.

"Do you think deep down I still love him?" I asked her as if she would know.

"I don't know, do you?" Izzy sat closer to me as the seriousness escalated.

"I don't know."

"You know that's the wrong answer right?"

"Yeah," I bowed my head shamefully.

"What about Liam?"

"What about him? He's wonderful. He's perfect. He's a hero," I bragged.

"How does he make you feel?"

"Loved. Special. Like the most treasured woman in the world. He makes me feel safe and secure."

"How does Harry make you feel?"

"He made me feel…alive. Daring; like I could do anything and everything," I found it amusing trying to remember.

"And…"

"He was also very sensual and the magnetism was just…indescribable. Liam is very strong and protective; he's also quite the gentleman…Harry has a way with people, very likable; he can talk to anyone about anything. He's so intellectual and likes challenges…"

I went off about these two amazing men and all I saw was Izzy grinning as she shook her head.

"What? Why are you smiling?"

"It sounds to me like…you're in love with both of them."

I was stumped to hear my heart's analysis. I didn't even bother denying it. Why would I fool Izzy, she knew me better than I thought…just like she claimed.

"So what should I do?" I asked in helplessly.

"You should be honest with yourself and not care about what other people think; especially those that care the most about you. Janet loves you and I believe she would understand if you told her the truth about your feelings."

I gave Izzy a warm hug and felt a load off my shoulders. My problem wasn't solved but the first step was admitting to it. And maybe by telling Janet she would serve to be my accountability so that I wouldn't do anything stupid…like Lilah. We then heard Zayn calling so we walked back down.

The small crowd was huddled around the end of the staircase. I made sure Izzy got down safely; her belly made me nervous. And then my eyes met with Harryagain. I could overhear the neighbors say their goodbyes but I didn't flinch.

"It was nice to see you again Brynn. We're going to be taking off now," Harry attempted to give me a side hug.

I was tired of covering up and saying "I don't know why I did this" or "Why can't I control my nerves and thoughts?" Well you know what, I wanted to give him a full on hug. I wanted to get a whiff of his cologne. I wanted to have a taste of what it felt like to have his arms around me again. I wanted to close my eyes while we gave each other a gentle squeeze.

Before it became noticeably long I pulled away and went to give Lilah a hug goodbye to play it off. Within a couple of minutes they finally left. I walked over to the kitchen counter not wanting to look at anyone but the ring on my finger.

"I love Liam. I love Liam. I love…Liam," I chanted lowly.

Notes

It's close now...the ending is near. Who will she choose?

muah!

Comments

Hi, I just finished reading this story and I thinks it's amaze balls!!! But please dont tell me it's finish and ur not gonna carry on.. Coz I really need to know what's gonna happen next. Coz u left us on a cliff hanger!!
I love the story!! plzz update if u can

This is one of the most amazing stories I've ever read. I hope you come back to update soon. Thanks for sharing!

OMG!!!!!! Please update soon the suspence is killing me !!!!!!

Oooh NO! Harry! Brynn! Hope they're both okay! Can't wait to read more!

Nooooooooooo Harrrrrryyyyyyyy!!!!!!! Please don't die :,(