Attached at the hip.

Numb. All I am is numb. They released me from the hospital two days ago, and all I've been able to do is lay in bed and stare at the wall. I still can't fathom the fact that I can't have kids. All my life I have dreamed of having kids....when I was five and they asked me what I wanted to be when I grow up, I would always answer "I want to be a mommy" but now I can't. What did I do to deserve this? Why me? This is just the icing on the cake from hell isn't it? I can't handle this, it's all to much. Liam has been great. I know he is struggling with this too, but he is staying strong for me. He takes care of me, makes me eat, cuddles me, does everything he can despite the fact that I can't bring myself to function, or even talk to him. This pain is unbearable, the physical pain is gone, but the emotional pain is what's going to be the death of me. Honestly, I want to do nothing more than cut right now...but Liam won't let me...he knows I want to, he can almost read my mind or something, so he took anything sharp out of the room....damn you liam for being so perfect.
Liam had to do something for the band today, which is weird because they are on a break, but none the less he had to go. But he had his mom come and check up on me and made sure he hid anything sharp. Damn you liam.

I need to get rid of some of this emotional pain. I need to hurt myself. My body, I need to punish it because I can't have kids. It's what God made women for and I can't even do that right. Finally I just need to get my frustration out, I can't hold this in anymore, I grab the first thing I can and hurl it at the wall, not only is there a small hole in my wall, but my already cracked phone is now shattered...probably shouldn't have thrown that, but it did make me feel better a little. Honestly what I need right now is to get out of this apartment. All I see here anymore is bad memories and pain. Why am I still here? I still just feel the need to throw things, I don't know why but it makes me feel better. I walk over to my bookshelf and tear all the books out hurling them across the room, knocking over lamps and covering my floor with them. I run out of books and realize that I'm such a wreck I just tore apart a book case. I'm that messed up. That unstable, that I have to throw books everywhere? Wow that's pretty sad. I'm sad. I'm a sorry excuse for a woman and I deserve to die alone and ugly and fat without being happy. I fall to the floor and break down, laying amoung at the books and just letting it all out.
Liam walks in moments later "woah, baby! What happened in here?! Are you okay?! Why'd you throw all the books, baby, look at me, talk to me" he pleads with me "Babe, what do I have to do? How can I make this better? What do you need? We can go in vacation, anywhere you want, I'll send you to the spa, we can go on a date...." He starts and tries to think of ideas

"...honestly Liam...I just need to be alone right now" I say softly. It's the first thing I've said since I found out.

"Y-you want space? Like from me...?" He asks confused and I nod

"I just...I need to deal with this on my own right now... I know this is hard on you too and I'm only making it harder...maybe you should go home for a few days...? Maybe we could both use some distance"

"Distance...? Are you breaking up with me...?" He asks, his voice immediately shakey

"No....I just...I need to deal with this Liam, and I need to do it on my own" I sigh "please don't hate me"

"Babe, I could never hate you...I'm just so worried about you, how will I know you've had food or are okay?" He asks "I don't think this is the time to push me away..." He says sounding hurt. Oh gosh, I can't do this. I can't hurt him. But I really need my space right now.

"I know it's not what is the smartest thing...but I need to be alone right now liam. I deal with things best when I'm alone and have space to think... I can text you every day if you want...I just really need some me time...."


*Liam's POV*


She's pushing me away again. I get that this sucks, that she's crushed, but so am I. I hate seeing her like this, and I hate knowing her dream in life will never come true. But she can't push me away...I need her...she needs me...we need each other....but if she wants space, I guess I have to give it to her...even if it's against my better judgement...

"Okay....if you're sure this is what you really want...but you have to skype me at least once a day okay baby? And you have to eat okay? Like real meals...are you sure this is what you want? Because I would be happy to stay and cuddle you for forever and watch as many chick flicks as you wanted?" Im desperate for her to say she needs me here and wants me to be the one to make her feel better... But right now I'm not what she needs.

"I'm sorry Li, I just need to cope with this alone" she says and sighs, my heart breaks a little, but I nod. "I love you liam" she says softly

"I love you to savannah, so so much" I say softly and I take my jeep and head to my moms house. When I get in I tell her everything, she tries to re assure me that Savannah will be alright, but I still worry. She tells me that Savannah may want to be alone at the moment, but
soon she will want me to be there with her.

Sure enough my mom is right, after two more days, Savannah calls me. She kept her promised and skyped me every night, but the conversations never lasted long. But out of the blue my ringtone for her goes off. I instantly pick up "hey baby, how are you?" I ask and I hear her crying, my heart drops.

"L-liam...can you come get me..? I can't be here anymore...I need you". Finally, the call I've been waiting for, of course I hate to see her sad, but I'm glad she wants me to be there with
her.

"I'm on my way baby, I'll be there in ten minutes okay?" I say and tell her to pack a bag or whatever she wants to. I jump into my car and speed over there, when I get there she is waiting outside for me. I run out of my car and engulf her in a hug, she hugs me tightly but doesn't speak, she doesn't have to though. We go to my car and I put her bag in, from the looks of it she has packed enough clothes to last through Christmas which is only about three days away.

"I missed you" she says softly as I drive. I reach my hand out and take hers, I intertwine our fingers and kiss her hand.

"I missed you too baby, I really did" I say and I can tell something is on her mind "you wanna talk about it?" I ask and she shakes her head.

"Not about that...but I've been thinking...I want to move" she says softly and I raise an eyebrow

"You want to move? Where to love?" I ask praying it won't be somewhere far.

"Like into a house...still live here, but there is just to many bad memories in my apartment and I can't live there anymore...I need a change and maybe getting a house will make things better" she shrugs and I pause to think.

"What if we got a house together? We could have our own house" I suggest and I can tell she is cought off guard

"Like us living in a house together?"she asks

"More like us living in our home together" I say and squeeze her hand

"Well...we practically live together anyways...so...why not? I think it would be a good idea..no more bad memories, we can just put the past and the...baby issue... Behind us." Her voice cracks when she says baby issue.

I kiss her hand "well it's settled then, we can start looking soon" I say as we pull into my house.

Wow we went from her needing to be away from me and alone to us moving in together...I guess being alone really did help her cope... we go up to my room and lay down on my bed.

"Baby, please just talk to me, is there any way I can help you? Make this easier on you? I worry so much baby, and you're really starting to scare me now Love, I just want you to be okay" I say and run my fingers through her hair

"I don't know liam. I need help. Serious help. Like I don't know if I'm depressed or some shit like that, but I don't know why I'm like this. I don't want to be like this, but I am. I don't want to be like this, but I don't know how to make it go away, all I can do is think about how I can't have kids and how Danielle can and how can I know you wont leave me for her?" She asks and my heart breaks seeing her like this.

I rub her tears away "Maybe we should get you some anti depressants?" I suggest and she just shrugs."And baby, you don't ever need to worry about Danielle okay? She isn't in my life anymore and I would never leave you for any reason, especially not her okay? You have nothing to worry about, you have my heart love, you and only you" I say and pull her into my chest

"If it'll help I'll do it" she says softly "but right now I just really want to cuddle and sleep, can we do that?" She asks softly and I nod

"Of course we can sweetheart" I say and pull her body into mine so we are spooning. I decide to sing to her, I sing one of her favorite songs, a song that I feel like she could use right now. It's called Give Me Faith by elevation worship.
"I need You
To soften my heart and break me apart
I need You
To open my eyes, to see that You're shaping my life
All I am, I surrender
Give me faith to trust what You say,
That You're good and Your love is great
I'm broken inside, I give You my life
I need You
To soften my heart and break me apart
I need You
To pierce through the dark and cleanse every part of me
All I am, I surrender
Give me faith to trust what You say,
That You're good and Your love is great
I'm broken inside, I give You my life
And I may be weak but Your Spirit's strong in me
My flesh may fail, but my God, You never will
And I may be weak but Your Spirit's strong in me
My flesh may fail, but my God, You never will Give me faith to trust what You say,
That You're good and Your love is great
I'm broken inside, I give You my life
Give me faith to trust what You say,
That You're good and Your love is great
I'm broken inside, I give You my life And I may be weak but Your Spirit's strong in me
My flesh may fail, but my God, You never will
And I may be weak but Your Spirit's strong in me
My flesh may fail, but my God, You never will"

Notes

What do y'all think? Please give me some feedback so that I know that y'all don't think that this story is crap haha, so I've been thinking about starting a new story, I just haven't worked out all the details but yeah haha please let me know what y'all think!