Zayn woke with a pounding in his head, his hair a mess, his body a sweaty mess, and no memory from the night previous. He rubbed his eyes as he rolled over. The sun had not arose yet.

3:42am.

Zayn licked his lips, biter with the taste of alcohol. Down stairs he heard a rattle and wondered who was in his apartment at nearly 4 in the morning. He closed his eyes real hard trying to remember anything.

He remembered Niall being with him, being close and them kissing. He remembered the other boys being there, they were dancing. There was a lot of people everywhere, then there was only him and Niall. That’s all he got.

The sound of objects slamming brought him from concentrating. That’s when Zayn decided to investigate. He ventured down his dark hallway in his boxers, nearing the muffled sounds from downstairs.

He started down the stairs when he saw Niall, muttering to himself while he zipped up a bag and threw it on his shoulder.

“Niall, what are you doing?”

Niall whipped his head around a glared at Zayn, his eyes and face red. “Don’t fucking talk to me. Ever. Again.”

Zayn continued down the stairs until he was at the platform below. Zayn tired remembering something else, anything.

His vision was dark and blurry but he knew he was kissing Niall. His hands moved against Niall’s muscles and everything was right. But then Niall was screaming, and Zayn was getting hit.

“I’m, I’m sorry.” Zayn let out hesitant still not sure what was going on.

“You finally realize you’re a worthless piece of shit and all of this is your fault?” Zayn walked slowly towards Niall. “You take another step a swear to god.”

“What did I do Niall?”

Niall starred angrily at Zayn for awhile before he finally shook his head. “Wow. You really are clueless. Were you that drunk you don’t remember anything?”

Zayn didn’t say anything. Niall walked slowly towards Zayn.

“You tried to rape me Zayn.” Niall gulped out, his eyes looking close to tears. “I could have called the cops but I didn’t because I love you.”

Zayn sighed, closing his eyes. He remembered now. He remembered they were shirtless and he was kissing Niall. Niall was kissing him back while Zayn stroked him slowly. Niall was moaning, he was enjoying Zayn. But then Zayn started fingering Niall and Niall told him to stop. Zayn didn’t stop, he kept going and Niall was screaming. Niall punched and kicked Zayn until he finally got off him. Then Niall was gone.

“Niall you know-“

“I know that you hurt me. You hurt me so bad and now I’m traumatized with the vision of you. I thought you were so sweet but what you said was so evil.” Niall had tears on his cheeks now.

Zayn tried to remember what he said but he couldn’t. All he saw was him and Niall in his room. Niall was against the door while Zayn kissed his neck, but Niall was crying.

“Niall what I said-“

“I’m ugly, fat, can’t sing, annoying, too loud, selfish, stupid. Do you want me to go on?”

“Of all people you should know that you say thing you don’t mean when you’re drunk. None of those things are true, you know you’re perfect to me.”

“Shut up!” Niall screamed, stepping even closer to Zayn. “You were so drunk you didn’t even act drunk anymore. It all seemed so real and it was so terrifying. I’m so scared of everything, I’m scared of you.”

Zayn stepped forward on the brink of tears. “Niall.” He barely whispered, reaching out and grabbing his shoulder.

Niall pulled out of the embrace. “Don’t hurt me, please.” He cried as the door opened up. Harry, Liam and Louis starred. Zayn stepped forward.

“Niall I’m not-“

“Don’t fucking touch me.” Niall cried, pushing Zayn backwards. Zayn stepped forward again. Harry stepped in and grabbed Zayn’s arm and pulled him back. That’s when Zayn realized the rest of the boys were there.

He looked back at Harry, who was now holding onto him tighter. “Get off, Harry.”

“Zayn, calm down.” Niall ran across the room to Liam where he held him tight and cried into his shoulder. Zayn turned back to Niall.

“You called them, really? This is between us.”

“You were scaring me Zayn, I didn’t know what you were going to do to me next. You hurt me and I needed someone.”

“What did he do to you?” Louis asked Niall gently. Niall turned back into Liam’s embrace and cried.

“Niall, what did he do!?” Louis’ voice rose.

“Louis.” Liam warned, bring him and Niall back a bit.

Louis huffed, biting his tongue as he strutted over to Zayn and Harry.

“Louis.” Harry warned this time, his voice more stern than Liam’s.

“I swear to god if you laid a fucking hand on him, I will not hold back.”

“I am his boyfriend.” Zayn let out softly. Louis grabbed a hold of Zayn’s chin, tilting his head back with force.
“You know what I fucking meant. Now what the hell did you do to him?”

“I don’t know.” Zayn strained to get out. Louis lifted a fist but Harry pulled Zayn out of reach.

“Louis!” Harry pushed himself between them. “Go. Away.” He let out softly.

Louis huffed, glaring at Zayn. “I’m not done with you, I’ll find out what you did to him and I’ll fucking-“

“Louis!” Harry yelled again, before pulling Zayn off into the kitchen.

Harry sat starring at Zayn for awhile, but Zayn couldn’t get himself to look Harry in the eyes. “What’s going on, Zayn.” Harry let out gently.

“Why’d he call you guys? You didn’t need to get involved.” Zayn rocked on the balls of his feet.

“Do you not get how scared he is and was? On the voicemail he sent me he was crying so hard he could barely talk. I still don’t know what you did but you fucked up pretty bad. You’ve damaged Niall.”

Zayn winced at hearing that. “I love him, so much. I promise I don’t know what i even did. Harry you know I wouldn’t hurt Niall, never. I need to make things better between us, I don’t want him hating me for whatever I did.”

“I don’t know if he’ll ever forgive you, he’s pretty messed up now.”

Zayn gulped, finally letting lose and crying. “I need to talk to him, now.” Zayn headed for the doorway but Harry stepped and front. “Harry let me go!” He tried to push past Harry but he held onto him, keeping him in the room.

“Zayn that’s not a good idea right now.” Zayn tried pulling out of Harry’s tight embrace but couldn’t he gave up, throwing himself on the ground, balling.

“I don’t even fucking know what I did! I don’t fucking know how much I’ve fuck him up mentally. All I fucking know is that he’s the only person I love and care about this much and I just want to see him happy. I just want to make things right and fuck I hate myself. I fucking hate myself so fucking much!” Zayn cried, laying on the kitchen floor. Harry sat down and pulled Zayn into his lap, letting him cry into his shoulder.

In the other room Niall was crying into Liam’s shoulder. Louis paced the floor.

“Niall, are you ready to talk yet?” Louis let out getting impatient.

“Louis would you shut the fuck up, please?” Liam let out angrily.

“I just want to know what happened so I can go in there and beat the shit outta Zayn for doing it to him.”

“You’re not really going to beat him up.” Liam said matter-of-factly.

“If you haven’t noticed a bit protective of Niall and when someone hurts him I don’t care who you are, you’ve messed with the wrong person.”

“Louis can you please just be quiet?” Liam let out softly this time.

Niall pulled back and wiped his eyes as Louis took a seat on the other side of him.

“Do you guys wanna know what happened?” Liam nodded, glaring at Louis who nodded too.

Niall gulped. “Well we were all at that party. I wasn’t feeling super great but I was having fun so I didn’t care. But I didn’t want to drink to make it worse.

“Zayn was already pretty drunk but not out of control yet. He was grinding up on me as we danced, you know normal sexual, drunk Zayn shit. He was really touchy with me. His hands roamed my thighs and hips all over and his breath was in my ear and he smelled like alcohol and smoke. I was really turned on so I kissed him on the jaw real slow and hard so he knew.

“I wanted to get out of there, i wanted to just kiss him and touch his body and lay with him while we talked nonsense. So we left. I drove us to his house.

“He took more alcohol when we got here and he was so drunk now I didn’t want to do anything with him. So I just kissed him and tried to get him to lay on the couch or go to bed. But he kept getting aggressive.

“He brought me to his room and pushed me against his bedroom door. I thought maybe I could get him in his bed and get him to go to sleep, but I should have known better.

“I kept saying ‘Zayn let’s get in bed, let’s lay down.’ Stuff like that but he kept kissing me hard on the neck, and rubbing himself against me.

“He kept saying, ‘no I want you now.’ And every time I’d refuse, he’d insult me. He started with him just being rude saying, ‘shut the fuck up and touch me.’ But I wouldn’t because I knew he’d only want more.

“Then he said, ‘You’re worthless, I only keep you around for sex. I hate you, I could beat you up, or even kill you if I wanted. None of us need you, you’re stupid, ugly and fat. You annoy all of us with your loud laugh and horrible singing. Why don’t you just fuck me right now and then leave forever?’

“It was too much for me. It didn’t sound like the drunken Zayn he was previous, it sounded like the Zayn that talks to me every day. I thought he meant it, I know he means it. And i started crying. I was crying so hard and I let my guard down because next thing I know I’m in bed with my shirt off and he’s on top of me, kissing me, touching me.

“I remembered how scared I was and how hurt I was but he was touching me and it felt really good. So I letting him do it, I was letting him touch me and I was moaning and my eyes were closed.

“Then I remembered everything at once. I told him to stop, he needed to go to bed and we could talk when he was sober. But he said no, he wanted to fuck me.

“We’ve had sex, you guys know that, we’ve done it several times, that wasn’t the issue. The issues is that he was drunk. I don’t like having sex with him while he’s drunk because he’s rough and doesn’t care and he goes too far and he hurts, a lot.

“I started crying and told him I didn’t want to have sex with him, not tonight with him like this. Then he had his fingers in my ass and told me he didn’t care what I said he was going to fuck me anyways.

“I started to panic and pushed at his shoulders and kicked his legs. He told me to stop struggling and I said I didn’t want him. I just kept screaming because he wouldn’t get off and he wouldn’t stop. I couldn’t get him off because he was stronger than me.

“I kicked him in the balls. Not hard enough that it’d hurt him real bad, just enough that he’d get off me. And he did, he fell on the side of his bed and held himself through his boxers. So I slipped away.

“I ran out of his room and tripped down the stairs and cried at the landing, on the floor. I wanted to call the police, I never wanted to see Zayn like that ever again, I was so scared because he said he could kill me. I thought when he woke up and came down stairs he was going to kill me for sure.

“But I couldn’t because even though I hate him, I still love him. So I called Harry. But I couldn’t breathe. When I finally got my energy back and I was breathing right, I tried to pack all my things into a bag. I wanted to leave his life forever. But I was crying and I couldn’t walk right because I didn’t to leave my Zayn, I wanted to leave the Zayn that threatened and terrified me.”

“I swear to god I’m going to kill him.” Louis breathed out, standing up. Niall lunged at him pulling his arm down.

“Please Louis, don’t hurt him.”

“But you-“

“I still love him and I know somewhere in him he still loves me.”

“I think he does, Niall.” Liam soothed him. “Louis, would you stay here with Niall and try not to say something stupid?”

Louis rolled his eyes, “Fuck off.”

Liam got up and walked over to the kitchen. He stood in the doorway and watched as he saw Zayn crying into Harry’s shoulder. Harry noticed him after awhile and mouthed ‘how is he?’

Liam shrugged, walking in and kneeling beside Zayn. He rubbed his back, gaining his attention. He sniffled in and tried to steady his breathing as he looked at Liam.

“You doing alright?” Liam tried to smile.

“My boyfriend hates me because I got really drunk and fucked up majorly, how do you think I’m doing?”

“If it makes you feel any better, he says he still does love you.”

Zayn sat quiet for awhile. “Did he really say that or are you just trying to make me feel better? Because you know Lying to me about that shit is not going to go over well.”

“No he said that, and he said he knows you still love him, even after everything.”

Zayn gulped, starring at his feet. He let out quietly, “What did I even do?”

Liam looked up at Harry who nodded. Liam sighed. “You really wanna know?”

“I think I deserve to know what I fucking did to my boyfriend to make him terrified of me. He can’t even look at me.”

Liam reached over and grabbed Zayn’s hand. “You said some messed up shit.”

“So I’ve heard.”

“You insulted him horribly.” Liam sighed, looking over at Harry. “You told him you only wanted him for sex, he should leave and never come back, and that you could kill him if you wanted to.”

Zayn breathed in shakily. “No. No, I didn’t really say that to him. Fuck. I’ve got to make this right.” Zayn stood up and Harry and Liam followed.

“You can’t just walk in there, he’s still traumatized.” Harry stated.

“Wait here.” Liam half smiled before leaving the room and re-entering where Louis and Niall were. Niall had his head on Louis’ shoulder, his eyes closed as Louis rubbed his hand up and down his back.

“Niall?” Liam approached the couch.

Niall mumbled, opening his eyes.

“Zayn wants to talk. Are you okay with that?”

Niall gulped, looking over at Louis. “You guys aren’t going to leave me are you?”

Louis smiled down at Niall. “Of course not.”

“I guess he can talk, but don’t let him sit close to me.” Liam laid a hand on Niall’s thigh before turning and looking at Harry in the doorway. He nodded softly and Harry nodded back.

“Be careful, Zayn. He’s fragile and you’ve already broken him once.”

Zayn bit his lip. “Yeah, thanks for reminding me.”

Harry wrapped his arm around Zayn’s shoulder and walked him out to the couch, them sitting on the far end. Zayn starred at Niall, watching him look down and fumble with his shirt.

“I’m so sorry.” Zayn barely made his voice audible.

“You’ve already said that.” Niall retaliated almost instantly. “How am I supposed to believe you?”

“I don’t know. I’m not even going to try and make shit up and try and make you believe. I know some crazy things were said. I don’t understand how I could get that drunk that I’d make you go through that. It’s horrible.”

“You have no idea, Zayn. None.” Niall finally looked up at Zayn. “Zayn I love you, I really do but this night will always haunt me. Just looking at you makes me want to curl up in a ball and cry.”

“You do realize that wasn’t me talking, Niall. I could never, ever do that to you.”

“It was you, Zayn. You were going to kill me.”

Zayn’s lip quivered and he squinted the tears out. “Niall, I could never get myself to slap you let alone… let alone do that. It was the alcohol speaking.”

“Well, I don’t want to speak to the alcohol ever again.” Niall stood up and Zayn cried even harder. He walked over and sat beside Zayn. He took Zayn’s hand softly, they were both shaking. “Please, Zayn. Never ever get that drunk that you threaten me.”

“I don’t want to think about alcohol let alone taste it.” Niall squeezed Zayn’s hand, leaning over and kissing Zayn’s stubble.

“I’m never going to forget what you did to me.” Zayn nodded, looking down. “It’s going to take me awhile to forgive you, but it’s worth a try.”

Zayn nodded, looking up at Niall. He half smiled before looking down at their hands.