Dreaming Of You // If I'm Still Dreaming

Harry’s POV

‘Lovestruck Harry’… That was the topic related to the interview that trended the longest. Everything has been pretty hectic since then. We had to jump right into work, but the response left us astonished. It was even greater than anyone could have imagined. Well, maybe not the studio, as they put this whole sham together to maximise their investment. Somehow it infuriates me that things have turned out exactly as they wanted. They certainly know their business. People are craving the film. Jeanne’s sales have duplicated overnight. Everybody wants to read ‘I Wish.’ Even One Direction’s albums are on demand. And, as in the old days, nobody seems to be able to stop speculating about me. So suddenly I’m hot again. But ‘Lovestruck Harry’ though… What was the need? It’s like they’re doing it on purpose…

It makes me mad to admit it, but maybe Louis is somewhat right. Many of the fans really enjoyed putting us to shame back then. How many times have I cringed over a picture of myself with make-up on, or a drawing wearing female underwear? Sometimes it almost felt as if they hated us instead of loving us as they claimed to. I do know what Louis meant about love being a fickle matter. Love can easily turn into something very different. When you are too vulnerable something inside of you can rebel against it, and make you act the opposite of the original feeling.

“You are too stressed, Harry,” Niall tells me, approaching me from behind as soon as I complete my swing. I look up at the ball, blocking the sunlight with my hand. It hits the sand trap and Niall pats my shoulder, both of us shaking our heads ‘no.’ My ‘no’ is a ‘yes’ though. I don’t know why I agreed to this. Well, probably because Erica insisted so much for me to come. It’s been a while. Where is she, by the way? “Still thinking about the interview?” I squint my eyes at him and he lets out a cackle. “Yes, I know you too much…” He claims. Yes, he does.

“Was it so bad?” I ask, moving towards Jessie to hand him my club.

“Harry, I’m sure you drooled at some point,” he says and I can’t help but shake my head again, hands on my hips. God, I can’t get over it. Luckily I didn’t have to go through this conversation with my mum. Gemma has been very discreet too, which is fairly new.

“She fancies Mark Owen…” Niall bends towards his caddy and starts to search for a club.

“That was pretty weird–––he mutters, not properly glancing at me. Do you think she could have had a crush on me…?” I scrunch my face as he flashes me his puppy eyes’ look. What the bloody hell? “Never mind–––Niall gestures defensively, turning away. He’ll attend the wedding though. Not that it matters because he’s married…” What is he talking about? “And an elder…” He adds jokingly. I shrug. As if a forty-something, high-pitched former boy bander were the actual issue. Niall aligns his body to take his swing. The ball hits the green. I guess everything’s all right with Erica, even after she learnt he was quite fond of Jeanne’s ‘writing.’ She has never been one for the drama. Well, except that time Niall told her over the phone she didn't understand what it feels like to be famous… The prick almost lost her right on the spot. I’m glad they managed to mend things when we returned from Paris. I don’t know what I would have done without them around, especially Erica. She has been so patient with me, and never judged, not even when I started to go out with Abigail and it began to smell like mistake. When the mess was over Erica simply told me there are some mandatory mistakes in life, things that you have to screw up in order to learn a bigger lesson. She didn’t do it to excuse me, but to remind me I’m only human. I forget that sometimes. “So, you were telling us before…–––Niall changes the subject. How did the read-through end?”

“Jeanne brought an alternate version, the one with my suggestions,” I say absentmindedly, pulling from the tape on my finger. I can't get another blister. I have the softest hands.

“And?” At his insistence I deeply breathe in, glancing away. This is not what I needed this afternoon.

“It worked–––I explain, hands back on my hips. She’s making adjustments now, but it’s the definitive version. They’ll page-lock it and start to develop the storyboard.” If I talk technical to him maybe he’ll get bored and drop the issue. I take a few steps away. Niall follows me as a shadow. Where the hell is Erica?

“I think you are getting all wrong, Harry,” he remarks in a quiet tone, as we both glance at the horizon.

“It doesn’t mean anything,” I grumble as I shake my head, all the anger crashing down on me again. Why is everything so confusing? Why does she have to be nice when I’m trying to hate her? “This is strictly professional.”

“A self-assured woman like Jeanne admitted the screenplay with your suggestions was better and you tell me it means nothing?” Well, it was quite surprising. I always thought the thing between Jeanne and I only worked one way, that I was the one learning, feeding myself of her and her world. I don't really know where to stand concerning this. “I know what you think, but you are putting your foot in your mouth–––Niall carries on. I don’t like to meddle, but right now I think you’re being unfair…” I can’t help but glimpse down.

“Everything is too complicated, Niall–––I let out huskily. Maybe I have to protect myself better.”

“You make it sound like she’s some danger…”

“You once told me she was the dangerous type,” I retort. I remember that very well.

“I didn’t know her then.” Excuses.

“Well, she is,” I assert glancing at the forest in front of us. A sudden play of light and shadow unveils a hundred shades of green, accentuating the outline of every tree. “She’s a serial player.” She is... There’s no other explanation. She’s a mermaid and she loves it. She loves to drive me mad. Full stop.

“That’s exactly what people used to think about you, and you hated it–––Niall notes and I twist my mouth. You are misreading this.” Why is he taking her side?

“Niall, you watched the interview–––I point out, quickly facing him. She played me the whole time.”

“Harry, you started it…” He tilts his head at me, and as his words hit me a potent rush of heat surges through my body. I hate to admit it, but maybe I did… when Jimmy asked about my readings. There was absolutely no need to hint about it… Maybe it was me who made it all about us, and she just played along… But why? Because it was fun? “I can’t completely agree with you…”

“She ignored me during the entire match–––I react, trying to get my point across. And then we went to have a drink, and you know what happened.” Fuck. I didn’t want to talk about this again. When I told him last week I tried to downplay my dejection, but Niall does know me too much to believe I could be mildly OK with how things played out in New York.

“No, we don’t know what happened–––he states. And you never asked Jeanne or Louis, who had breakfast with her the morning after.”

“Because I don’t want to know!” I exclaim. Louis… I don’t even want to be reminded of his existence. None of this would have happened if he hadn’t showed up. “If he wants her for himself then he can have her–––I groan, beginning to walk away. I’m out of the picture.” I gesture with my hand to the side.

“You are mixing up everything, Harry,” Niall tells me, grabbing me by the wrist and making me turn around. I look at him, dejected. “Jeanne and you are friends. So technically she can do whatever she wants, but you can’t get mad at her as if she had cheated on you or something…” He explains in an empathising tone. I frown even harder, my heart narrowing inside my chest. “I’m sorry, but you know I’m right–––he says. You were expecting something more, but it’s not her fault you are so smitten. Just think about it…” Niall takes a finger to his temple, letting go of my hand. “Think of all the times people expected something more from you and you weren’t there. Abigail, for instance… You forced it and it was even worse! It’s not a sin wanting to be just friends. I was friend zoned for years, and somehow it was right at the moment…” I’m startled, because Niall isn’t usually the advice type. “If you really care about Jeanne as a person, you should embrace what you have instead of bitching and acting all jealous.”

“I know…–––I mutter, glancing down and taking my hands to my face. I know you are right, but I can’t control it… For some reason I had started to feel there was something going on between us and I got my hopes up…” God, that day is so messed up in my head, and I refuse to watch the interview again. I couldn’t stand it.

“At least you are admitting it–––Niall claims, snickering, as he throws a hand to my shoulder. Oh, Lord, I’m getting good at this… I suppose I’m learning from the Master. There; here she comes,” he talks looking past me. His smile grows broader and his eyes brighten, as every time he’s in Erica’s presence. Years go by and it only becomes more obvious. Why can’t it be me?

“I’m sorry; ladies’ issues,” Erica mumbles as she quickly kisses him on the cheek. At her words Niall struggles not to cringe. He’s such a baby. Growing up with a sister is certainly an asset when it comes to things like this. “Why are you so pale, Harry?” She says turning towards me. If she noticed his reaction she’s not acknowledging it. “What’s going on?”

“Harry is mad at Jeanne because of what happened in New York…” Niall intervenes in a cheeky grin, holding her waist and pulling her closer. Erica throws her arms around his neck and here we go again…

“But I’m very civil,” I mutter.

“Of course you are, darling…” She mimics with her hand as if she were caressing my cheek, but Niall scrunches his face at her.

“Excuse me, ma’am–––he claims–––but it was me there when he first obsessed over Jeanne, so I know better.” I can’t help but roll my eyes. “He practically admitted it so I’m one hundred percent sure he’s acting all scornful around her.”

“Leave him alone, Niall. He’s a grown-up.”

“Will you condone his childish attitude then?–––Niall complains, pulling away a bit. He told her to be friends but when he gets jealous he tries to make her feel bad about it, and that’s fine?”

“I’m not trying to do that!” I’m lying my ass off, and I know it. I’m so terrified to be around her I behave like a fool when I do. I want to be away from her but at the same time I’m desperate for her attention, and I don’t know how to get it without playing offended. Niall nods his head frantically, just ignoring me.

“Why would you do that, Harry?” Erica squints at me, folding her arms across her chest. Great, the Wonder Twins confabulated again. “Jeanne has so much going on right now… And she has a baby daughter to take care of.” Niall points at her and pokes my chest, all cheeky. “Show some empathy. I thought it was your ‘thing’…” Do I deserve this? Isn’t to treat the girl that makes you miserable a bit roughly another mandatory mistake in life? “Look, she’s my friend, so let’s talk about something else,” she scolds me, turning around to walk to their caddy.

“No, no, tell him, Erica–––Niall steps in again. Tell him what you told me the other night…” Erica shoots him a serious glance, stopping on her tracks. Now I got curious. What were they talking about? Niall slowly blinks his eyes, sending her a slight nod. I feel almost uncomfortable at such displays of complicity. She seems reluctant.

“I’ve never seen you like that, Harry–––she says, pushing a lock of hair out of her face–––so overjoyed or being more yourself. Jeff and Jimmy were right to set you up because you got to show who you are as never before…” My heart rate picks up. “And you were so comfortable…” She shakes her head. “And it’s all because of Jeanne. It’s like since you met her you aren’t afraid of being yourself. I’m sure even if things are complicated you feel equally pleased because you are who you wanted to be all the way…” Well, yeah, but… “You are still the same cheeky, charming lad I met at Simon's party so long ago, and people recognised you too, but they also got to see this other side of you, and they fell in love with you all over again.” Yeah, but Jeanne is nowhere near. And I don’t know why but I have this feeling that she feels sorry for me, and I can't stand it… “You know why she’s not getting the hate we could have expected…” My heart freezes inside my chest. “Most of your fans read into you without an agenda, without any kind of possessiveness, and they understood there’s something about her…” Yeah, there is something about her… She’s driving me mad! “Even the Larry media kept it quiet, when it surfaced that Louis and you were together at that match.” I didn't even want to learn about that. “Those who get you just go with the flow, and you should do the same…” I shake my head, eyes wide shut.

“I have to let her go,” I mumble. God, I sound so bitter. I sound just like that Jagger’s song.

“Harry, you couldn’t let her go even when you had to,” Niall remarks in irony and I grit my teeth at him. I’m being serious, goddamn it! “You wrote her a book of haikus and like, two hundred songs…” As if I needed to be reminded of that. Thank you, mate. “Do you really think you could let her go now that she’s back in your life, single and working with you side-by-side?” My fists instinctively clench. “Maybe you could discuss your feelings with her…” My face should tell it all, because he raises his eyebrows and takes a step back, flinching. “OK, acting as an adult is not an option.” Erica slaps his arm, walking away to pick a club.

“If he wants to be over her, as long as he doesn’t punish her he’s free to do so…” She says in an affected tone after putting the ball on top of the tee. Her hips slowly sway as she prepares her body, tightly holding the grip between her hands. She takes her backswing and hits. We all look up in the sky as synchronised. The ball falls to the ground right in the middle of the green, very near the pin. She doesn’t seem impressed though. “Too bad because Jeanne will have to go to San Francisco often the next few months…” She carries on casually. I can’t help but bounce in my spot. Why does she have to go there? Is it because of that guy Louis told me about? “They’re finishing the course, and her boss––brilliant novelist Tobias Wolff––needs her.” Yeah, yeah. I know who Tobias Wolff is. I doubt Niall does though, but he couldn't care less. “She asked me if I wanted to take Lara to some outdoors’ activities, but as Niall is busy I was wondering if maybe you could join us…” Niall repeatedly winks at me from behind her back. So Jeanne is trying to help him to get his babies too… Maybe this is why he’s defending her. “I thought it would be fun–––she claims, playing with the club as if it were a cane. I already planned a trip to an organic farm…” I shoot her a lop-sided glance, still processing the whole thing.

“Do you think she wouldn’t mind?” I inquire, a bit bewildered.

“Why would she mind?–––Erica speaks, meaning every word. She’s your friend.”

–.–.–

Notes

I'm sorry it has taken me so long to update. This is the last pre written chapter I have, but I working on the next one. I won't lie. My 1D feels are quite low right now, but I hope that what's coming next for this story will be able to give me the energy I'm lacking to write more often. Your support does help too, and it's always lovely to know about you, what you feel and what you are doing. I'm writing this for those who read it because as I said to one of you in the comments, I know how it plays in my mind and to me, personally, it's enough. It takes a lot of energy to write it down.

So things are pretty messed up. Harry's all over the place, and Jeanne? We'll get to know what she's feeling soon. Have a great weekend. Love you all <3